How To Avoid Getting Whipped
This is something we all can relate to.
At least at some level.
Emotional attachment.
Particularly - rapid, extreme emotional attachment that drives you insane and drives away the new girl you like.
Yes.
It's a problem.
When you are in your 20's, your social/sex life is best spent seeing multiple girls and exploring all your options.
Chill with plenty of girls, party with plenty of girls and sleep with plenty of girls.
Have fun.
Don't let your ego get in the way of gaining social and sexual experience.
Like I did.
Maybe the new girl that likes you isn't your perfect 10 - but can you at least have some fun with her?
Experience and variety is super important because it helps define your personality preferences and helps you develop sexual experience that will serve you well in the future when you become more selective and look for a serious relationship.
More importantly, it is IMPERATIVE that YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN GET LAID before you get into a serious relationship.
If you can't get laid, future girlfriends (consciously or unconsciously) will leverage that against you because they know you need them for sex and won't ditch them.
Even sweet, well-meaning, emotionally-healthy women treat guys that get laid differently from guys that don't.
Nobody respects a partner that has no options.
Ideally, in my opinion, you shouldn't consider having a serious relationship until you have slept with at least 10+ girls, retained several of them as fuckbuddies and had a chance to live out your Golden Era.
It doesn't matter if you don't become some sort of "huge player" or don't totally makeover your personality from nice guy to "top alpha dawg". The 24/7 pick up/party lifestyle isn't for everyone.
The confidence of knowing that you can get hot girls whenever-you-want is.
As long as you know - YOU CAN GET LAID - you will always be in a relationship because you WANT TO BE and not because you HAVE TO BE.
Unfortunately...
Most guys never make it anywhere close to this point.
Most guys never give themselves a shot at setting the foundation for an ideal relationship (where the girl fights to win/keep you while you are seeing other girls, rather than the other way around) and have a hard time managing uncommitted relationships (potential girlfriends) because they instantly get emotionally attached to girls.
Despite the enormous benefit of having a relationship on your terms or just managing a couple hot fuckbuddies, getting a grip on emotional attachment, if nothing else, will help keep you from going insane.
We're going to talk about emotional attachment, when it doesn't matter, when it's bad and how to limit it.
There's nothing worse than staring at your phone for hours hoping the girl you "love" texts you back.
Perspective on Emotional Attachment
First, I don't think "getting emotionally attached" is a bad thing.
It's healthy. It's human. It makes the relationship worthwhile and exciting.
But when it happens TOO QUICKLY, all the behavior that follows reeks of desperation and it is a clear sign to the girl that you are not emotionally healthy.
My strategies and methods are meant to limit emotional attachment but not to completely avoid it.
You don't have to become a cold-hearted sociopath to have, enjoy and retain several fuckbuddies.
Most guys, however, especially those without much of a sex/social/real life, get emotionally attached WAY TOO QUICKLY.
Women, especially the hottest girls (non-teens), generally need several months to get really attached to a guy.
These girls have plenty of options and are really selective to whom gets to be seen with them in public or gets to lick their pussy.
Most guys don't stand a chance to retain those girls because most guys get way too serious, way too quickly.
It works like this -
Girl is having fun, girl likes guy, guy gets too serious, desperation shows, the chase ends, and the girl loses interest.
Repeat until marriage.
We are going to show you how to NOT BE THAT GUY.
Just so you know, this was something I had to work on.
In my teens and early 20's, I was really insecure and I got attached to girls very quickly. Even girls I hadn't slept with. I would tell my friends how I wanted to marry [insert hot girl] and not be any sort of challenge.
I truly was Good Looking Loser.
How to Avoid Getting Emotionally Attached to Girls Too Quickly
I'm organizing this into two categories -
- Personal Life/Lifestyle Adjustments
- Social/Sex Life Adjustments
Some of these will be insightful, some will be common sense, all should receive your attention.
If you do them all, you'll be able to beat your I-get-emotionally-attached-too-quickly disease.
Or at least prevent it long enough for the girl to be totally obsessed with you first.
YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
Here are some personal life/lifestyle adjustments that can prevent you from getting emotionally attached too quickly.
#1 Acknowledge and Work On Your Emotional Baggage
When a guy gets deeply emotionally attached to a new girl he just met/slept with - IT IS NO ACCIDENT.
He is insecure and often inexperienced.
(it's okay, it happens to all of us - you just need to understand why and not live in denial)
It's a direct reflection of his self-esteem and lifestyle.
And Mostly: It's a direct reflection of his other options (or lack thereof).
If you fall into this category - just acknowledge it and decide that you aren't going to pursue a serious relationship until you fix most of your issues.
Even if you are able to get a girl into a relationship, if you are insecure - she'll be able to walk on you unless she totally depends on you or is significantly less attractive than you (lucky to have you).
Fix the problem before having the relationship.
#2 Have Something/One Goal That Means More to You
You will always get emotionally attached very quickly if 'the girl' is your #1 priority from the start.
A lot of dating advice suggests to "be busy".
Being busy never solved jackshit and it's a form of passive-aggressive denial.
Ideally, you should have a real life, at least something in your life or at least ONE GOAL that means more to you than any stranger that you just met.
Even if it's just a short(er)-term goal such as getting ripped for a photoshoot or building a small website.
Something you are obsessed with that defines you.
Though it may sound ridiculous -
My friend that sleeps with 30-40 attractive girls a year has a dog that he loves more than anything.
Just him and his dog. He'll stop talking to girls if they aren't super nice to the dog.
(some of his stories are hilarious)
He has no job or goals but the dog is his #1 priority.
He says it keeps him from liking girls too quickly.
Whether he is right or wrong - he's convinced himself that his dog is the most important 'person' in his life.
Hopefully the dog lives forever.
You will probably need something more than a dog but the point is -
The more things you are passionate about or emotionally attached to - the less you will pour into any new girl.
You can also work on creating juxtaposition if you need some variety.
#3 Have a Tentative Plan For When You Want To Have a Serious Relationship
Though subject to change in the event that you really do meet a great girl - it's not a bad idea to have a general idea of when you see yourself in a serious, healthy relationship (with marriage potential, if you believe in that).
It can be a specific age.
It can be a specific financial/sex life milestone.
Or both.
Anything in-between you can consider a "fling" unless you are convinced otherwise.
It's a good mentality (if you stick to it) because the girl will have to work to change your mind.
One thing that I've told a lot of girls is -
"I'm down to see where this goes... I don't go into ANY relationship looking for it to be my last but I'm willing to be convinced otherwise..." (the line is money)
#4 Make Sure You Are Alive
Guys that get emotionally attached/reliant on girls generally don't have a ton of fun in the other areas.
I was like this.
All I did was go to the gym, play on the Internet and do well in school.
Nice life, hardly exciting.
It wasn't a lot different than what other guys were doing.
Guys might work hard, some might even be successful, some might be fairly content, but they rarely have new experiences or make exciting memories.
If they hook up with a hot girl - it's usually the highlight of the entire year.
As I suggested in "Good Looking Loser's Life or Death Test", most people would benefit enormously by simply scheduling SOMETHING NEW/FUN EVERY ~14 DAYS.
It gives you something to look forward to and get excited about.
It gives you something to talk about for the remainder of the month.
It helps to break the cycle and remind you that YOU ARE ALIVE.
It helps to remind yourself that LIFE CAN BE FUN, with or without a girl by your side (or on her knees).
#5 Get Into Shape
If you are serious about having a good sex life, you'll want to get in shape regardless.
Lots of guys who aren't in shape have a good sex life but they could always be doing better if they looked their best.
This is indisputable.
If you've never been in shape, never gotten compliments on your body or never had groups of girls trying to take pictures with you - you don't truly know the emotional benefits to looking your best.
Superficial or not, when you have a good body, you feel superior to other guys.
You get told you are superior by both genders too.
Aesthetically speaking - YOU ARE.
This helps your Sense of Entitlement as well as simply making you more attractive.
My suggestion is to get down to a somewhat muscular ~8% body fat physique, since low body fat is more important than big muscles.
Getting into shape can also be a "productive diversion" and a healthy release of emotional energy if you find yourself thinking about a girl/anything too much. It's better than "be busy".
(this is hard, whenever I really liked a girl in my 20's - I couldn't leave my apartment, let alone be productive)
YOUR SOCIAL/SEX LIFE
Here are some adjustments that you can make to your social/sex life that will help prevent you from getting emotionally attached too quickly.
#1 Understand When Emotional Attachment is Actually a Problem
(When You Like Her More Than She Likes You, Usually in the First 6 Weeks)
Like I mentioned, getting emotionally attached isn't a big deal - it's normal.
When it happens too quickly - it can be an enormous problem.
You are no longer a challenge.
You begin to try to "prove yourself".
Hanging out with the girl isn't fun anymore, it's simply an ongoing audition for the role of 'Loyal Boyfriend'.
You lose the power and it's generally impossible to get back unless she's more insecure.
As a general rule, throughout the entire relationship -
YOU WANT THE GIRL TO LIKE YOU MORE - THAN YOU LIKE HER.
(even if it's just a little more)
So long as this is the case, you can still manage the relationship pretty easily via the Retention Guide.
Just use it - it works nearly 100% so long as the girl respects you and considers you to have some boyfriend potential (or just really good in bed).
In the scenarios where you like a girl more than she likes you - you'll have to do your best to hide it until she's feeling the same way.
That's just the way it is.
I don't make up the rules to human psychology. So don't blame me.
Emotional attachment, however, is only a problem when the girl doesn't feel the same way or happens way too quickly.
When a girl is REALLY FEELING YOU, you don't have to worry about getting emotionally attached to her as much.
But I still suggest taking it slowly.
Girls that are overly obsessed with you from the start usually have their own emotional voids.
Those are the types that vandalize your car or tell the police that you are running a drug cartel.
They might even come over unannounced to see if you are fucking other girls...
...While you are fucking other girls.
#2 Go Out With Multiple Women
(Even if you don't end up sleeping with them)
If rapid emotional attachment is a constant problem, it is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY that you convince yourself that YOU HAVE OPTIONS.
The way to do so is - SEEING THOSE OPTIONS.
Ideally, also converting those options to fuckbuddies.
But you don't have to actually have to sleep with those options to reap the emotional security benefits though.
Simply going on dates/hanging out with girls is a good way to prove to yourself that you have options.
Having 2 or 3 dates (or meet-ups) a week is ideal.
(Hint - You can get these from online dating if you have Approach Anxiety)
Unless it's a blind date, EVERY GIRL that agrees to meet up with you - ALREADY LIKES YOU (or is at least somewhat interested).
Even if you don't end up liking or sleeping with her, it helps to assure yourself that YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS and it's just a matter of time before it works out for you.
In 2008, when I was still loyal to the PUA thing, I went out with at least 60 girls during that year.
Although I didn't even get half of them into bed because I acted like a fucking circus monkey on steroids, seeing my options really helped my self-esteem.
My self-esteem had been in the toilet after dropping out of Law School and joining a $4000/month pick up program with absolutely no income.
All jokes aside, this period of time really helped me regain my confidence.
Don't turn down "dates" or hanging out with a girl just because she's mainly looking for a relationship.
You can do that once you get more experience.
#3 Continue to Do Online Dating Even After You Are Seeing a Few Girls
After you have some options to sleep with, protect your investment by bringing more options in - usher in your Golden Era.
You aren't going to want to live this way forever, just have fun with it and reap the psychological benefits.
See a trend here?
OPTIONS.
Having options is the answer to your emotional attachment issues.
ANYTHING that reminds you that you have options is a good thing.
ANYTHING.
Rapid/Excessive emotional attachment generally comes from a lack of options.
Although online dating for a guy isn't close to as flattering/productive as online dating as a girl, it still helps to see that you have plenty of options online too.
Get to 8% body fat or lower, get some affordable professional pictures from Groupon and throw up an online profile on Plenty of Fish, OkCupid and/or Tinder.
More experienced guys can check out Adult Friend Finder (works best if you live in a big city).
I encourage you to look online to try and find a more attractive/cool girl to add or replace the ones that you are currently seeing.
Even if nothing becomes of it, simply going out with girls from the Internet should remind you that you are physically attractive enough to be seen with.
That will be a big step for some.
Here are our guides for online dating -
- "Rooster's Guide to Plenty of Fish" (Newbies)
- "Good Looking Loser's Guide to Plenty of Fish" (More Aggressive)
#4 See/Sleep With Girls That Are Below Your Level
Sleeping with girls that you can 'do better' than or are 'below your level' can help treat attachment issues with hotter girls.
Some guys with super high standards think that sleeping with average girls is psychologically damaging.
After 27 years of thinking that - I now firmly disagree.
Listen to me here before you dismiss the idea of "lowering your standards".
There's a psychological effect that comes from dating/sleeping with a girl below 'your level'.
Like my former self, most guys think it's a negative effect.
But it's not.
It's just the opposite.
When you intentionally date/sleep with girls that are "below your level", you won't risk getting emotionally attached because you will feel that you can do better.
This superficial attitude will boost your confidence.
The girls telling you how hot you are, bragging to their friends and swallow your load with pride - it's an ego boost.
An ego boost you absolutely need if you have over-attachment issues.
Appreciate their compliments.
One day you'll hear it from a girl you are more physically attracted to.
Just be nice to them and don't hurt their feelings.
Some of them are legitimate sweeties and know that they don't have a real chance to keep you.
They will want to show you off to their friends and take pictures with you.
It's kind of a big deal for them to be seen with a guy that is better looking than they are. It helps their ego.
But it's also kind of a big deal for you too. You need to get validation in order to get past this phase.
It's a temporary thing, just have fun with it and realize that YOU HAVE OPTIONS.
I wish I heard this advice, I wouldn't have been such an insecure shmuck in my early 20's.
Some of my most flattering/rewarding/funnest (is that a word?) times came from hanging out with/partying with girls that I wasn't all that interested in at the beginning.
There's way less pressure and there's absolutely nothing to lose.
If nothing else, it's better than going through long periods of time without getting any pussy.
That is more damaging on the psyche.
You don't have to sleep with overweight girls, just don't write off average or slightly above-average girls that would love to spend time with you and will make you feel good about yourself.
While it's nice to "not need validation from women".
It's also quite nice to get when you need it.
#5 Follow Good Looking Loser's Retention Guide
Of any "skill" - managing relationships is what I'm best at.
Yes, better than picking up girls and better than my social freedom "level".
I have had some incredible women become and stay a part of my life.
Some would pay to fly across the country to spend a weekend with me in the Hills.
Others immediately hit me up when they go "on break" from their boyfriends.
It's truly amazing sometimes, I really did become "that guy".
Everything I do/know is in our Retention Guide.
If you follow the guide - things will take care of themselves.
You won't have to do anything special.
When a girl simply spends time with a guy she likes - she gets attached slowly but surely.
Even if you find yourself more emotionally attached than the girl is, if you can exhibit some self-control and just follow the guide - you'll eventually be on the same page.
Pour Conclure
Excessive emotional attachment often has very little to do with the girl you just met.
She's not special.
Even if she is - you barely know her.
Excessive emotional attachment is mainly a barometer of your own emotional well-being and self-esteem.
The idea (and reality) of having fuckbuddies is a happy one.
The Golden Era is the beginning of the most fun you'll ever have.
But if you get attached to women too quickly, dating women (let alone trying to handle multiple women that you are obsessed with and scared to lose) can be a supreme challenge and absolutely wreak havoc on your emotional health.
But that's no different than the emotional havoc of being in a normal committed relationship when the girl starts to walk on you because she knows you can't get pussy elsewhere.
Just follow the advice above and that won't be you ever again.
There's nothing more dangerous than a man with options.
He can do whatever he wants.
He's the elite guy that women chase.
He's the guy that women brag to their friends about.
He's the guy that can land 3 fuckbuddies in a single weekend.
You don't have a be a cold-hearted sociopath to date multiple women.
You just have to be a little less emotionally attached than the girls are.
We've all had girls burn us in the past because we got overly attached too quickly.
It happens.
That's fine, that's life.
What isn't fine is if the scenario repeats itself EVERY SINGLE TIME and you take no strides to investigate or improve your emotional health.
If you have any other suggestions to avoid/delay emotional attachment, I highly encourage you to write in.
This list is by no means the final word on this subject.