What Exactly Am I Doing This For?
Like yesterday, today was supposed to be an "off day".
I was going to sit around playing Civilization on Xbox360 and take over the world via brute force.
(not an affiliate link)
Bring the entire world to it's knees.
Enslave lesser races.
Just like I always do.
That will have to wait however.
But I looked at my "to publish" list and realized that there was an important topic that was long overdue.
In fact, if I had any sense, it should have been among the very first posts on Good Looking Loser.
Likewise, if you join our forum to ensure your accountability to your goals, it should be one of the first posts that you do too.
Podcast - How to Know If You Are Successful With Women
What Are You Trying to Accomplish?
As I explained in the rarely seen, older post "Define Success Before You Chase It (Good Looking Loser Success Principle #3", defining success is CRITICAL to achieving it.
What does success look like?
Ideally, it should a SPECIFIC, QUANTITATIVE milestone.
It shouldn't a broad, indistinct, qualitative feeling.
You should able to say -
I have achieved my goal.
I am successful.
Otherwise, you are just another hamster on a wheel.
You might be moving forward and making progress - but you won't even realize it.
Your mood may sour, commitment wander and before you know it -
If you don't define success, prepare to fail.
A goal without a plan - is simply a wish.
We'll have to talk about "plans" another time though.
(hint: small goal + small goal + small good = big goal)
(hint: small success + small success + small success = big success)
Although my goals were somewhat loose and undefined when I first got into this "pick up thing" back in ~2006, I actually made a point of shaping them within my first year.
I'm glad I did.
I felt "successful with women" when I achieved them, some of which was actually much earlier than expected.
I didn't get into a FULLY COMMITTED relationship until my goals were long accomplished and I HIGHLY suggest that you don't either.
You NEED to accomplish the first goal - it's the most important.
Here were my goals.
#1 I WANT TO KNOW THAT I CAN 'GET LAID'
accomplished: late 2009 (unofficially), ~Fall 2010 (officially recognized)
This is the only goal that I strongly suggest that for everyone.
It's a mainly a psychological milestone, but it's it certainly something that you can prove to yourself.
The goal was defined as -
I want to know that I can 'Get Laid'.
This means -
I can go out 2 or 3 times in one week and take home at least one girl.
That means - not relying on "dates" or phone calls to make it happen.
That is my definition.
That is what I mean when I say -
You need to be able to Get Laid
I consider to be an absolutely mandatory milestone for everyone.
This is what you are here to do.
Especially anyone who wants to pursue a committed relationship at a later date.
There's 4 types of guys -
- 'Guy who knows he can Get Laid'
- 'Guy who thinks he can Get Laid'
- 'Guy who thinks he can't Get Laid'
- 'Guy who knows he can't Get Laid'
The psychological difference between the first guy and all the others is unmistakable.
He cannot get pushed around by women.
Girls know he has other options and can go elsewhere for sex. Extortion via withholding pussy is a non-option, he isn't move by such intimidation.
Girls, especially committed partners, will respect you if you can Get Laid and will not try to walk on you (if you stand up for yourself).
The Guy who knows he can Get Laid is well-prepared to handle life without sexual frustration - which can be otherwise so very draining.
He can solely focus on his financial goals, fitness goals or just about anything he wants to do without questioning his masculinity and self-worth.
While 'Getting Laid' shouldn't be a measuring stick for how you feel about yourself - it is.
That doesn't have to be a bad thing. You can do something about it.
It may take a couple of years though.
With some totally pointless short breaks in-between and varying levels of commitment (to the PUA approach of meeting women), it took me over 3 years to achieve this goal.
That's why I think it's ridiculous when rookies get angry at me when their first year doesn't net them all their goals.
After 20+ years of social difficulty, why would you think you could you reverse this in less than 365 days?
Build on it.
Sometime in late 2009 I began to "think" I could Get Laid - and, looking back, I certainly could.
But it wouldn't be until the later part of 2010 until I "knew" I could.
Interestingly enough, this authentic affirmation came on a night where I didn't get a girl home.
In fact, that night, I couldn't/didn't have any conversations over ~3 minutes - over about 10 or 15 girls. Definitely a slow night.
Unlike just a year prior, instead of getting down on myself, I was legitimately able to tell myself for the first time ever -
No biggie Chris, this makes it more likely that you'll get your dick wet tomorrow night.
Although I didn't go out the following night, I took a girl and her friend (she didn't participate) back to my apartment 48 hours later.
Otherwise the typical experience, it was one of the biggest nights of my life.
That's when I knew.
I finally believed it.
#2 I WANTED TO HAVE 3+ HOT FUCKBUDDIES IN THE SAME CITY (LOS ANGELES)
accomplished: November 2009
This was actually my main goal from the start.
Although my final resume speaks to a lot of "Quantity" (mainly from party scene), "Quality" was always the ultimate goal and perhaps the only reason I got into this stuff.
Back when I was 'Good Looking Loser' (my early 20's), I was never totally without sex. I just got frustrated that I seemed to only attract the cute/friendly girl-next-door types and not the hot/sexy babes that I used to bitterly jerk off.
(the reason was because I simply didn't talk to the hottest girls [66%] and that I was 'boyfriend material' [33%])
In November of 2009, I officially knocked this one out.
3 very attractive fuckbuddies in a ~6 miles radius of my place.
I was absolutely thrilled and so began my 'Golden Era'.
It was the most special time of my entire career.
Though I had no job, no money and sometimes saturated in the guilt of dropping out of Law School to go try and have sex with California girls - I accomplished my goal and was extremely proud of myself.
I felt like I fulfilled my destiny and that I would never again be sexually starved, lonely or depressed.
I was completely right.
The reason "Quality" was so elusive through the years was because I wanted 'validation' more than pussy.
I wasn't "Sexually Available".
I think you know the story.
My silent yearn for warm fuzzies and girls to be nice to me - made me terrified of rejection/bad reactions from the girls that I was most attracted to.
I played it SO SAFE that didn't bring home the "Quality".
Eventually I did though.
Other than slowly getting over my validation seeking (it got old), there was no significant turning point to achieving this goal.
It was just a gradual process of experience and exposure therapy with the 'hotter' girls and a growing 'Sense of Entitlement'. Growing a fat dick that girls talked to their friends about certainly helped.
Of my 3 fuckbuddies -
Two of the girls I met in the Hollywood night scene and one of the girls I met online. Ironically, the hottest one was from OKCupid, an online dating site.
(I'm telling you this because I don't want you to look down on online dating, I did it and so should you)
#3 I WANT TO GET GIRLS TO INDULGE/FULFILL MY FETISHES
(accomplished: early 2010 - ongoing)
I love this topic!
We haven't discussed it enough.
Though better defined as strong 'fantasies' moreso than true 'fetishes', there was definitely a period (probably ~2004-2006 when I was the Lonesome Bodybuilder) where I had a hard time getting aroused without thinking/experiencing one of my diverse fetishes.
Not only did I not get a lot of girls, but the normal "pretty face, tits, ass" triggers just weren't really doing it for me.
This was a problem and I knew it.
I didn't even know how initiate "regular sex" with girls, let alone make them indulge in my fetishes.
Even up until late 2008, the problem concerned me so much that I considered getting therapy for it.
Perhaps I was lucky.
I got therapy for it.
During my 'Golden Era' (late 2009 - early/mid 2010), I was thrilled with my life and stopped caring about rejection or "looking weird".
I was way more willing to take "risks" and screen girls for their willingness to indulge my desires.
I first started doing this online.
As you might have heard, among other kinks, one of my fetishes/strong fantasies is smoking.
Though definitely less these days, I think attractive girls that smoke are super hot.
It was something that began when I was 8 or 9 years old -
My parents would take me to dinner at the Four Seasons Hotel in downtown Washington DC. Dad (retired) and I always got to the place before my Mom got there. I'd wait in the lobby playing on my Gameboy. Back then, they still allowed people to smoke inside. Since it was a luxury hotel, there would always be hot women there. They would sit down in the lobby and light up and spray their smoke everywhere. I had a minor case of asthma at the time (which I somehow totally got over) and this really bothered me but there was little I could do about it other than hold my breath. At some point in puberty, this became a big turn-on. Watching a hot (ideally huge breasted) woman's tits going up and down while she unapologetically gave me shortness of breath was a huge rush to me.
(it's only decent looking women that turn me on, I legitimately think overweight/ugly women who smoke are disgusting)
Anyway, I would search dating sites for women who smoked cigarettes and basically tell them that I thought it was hot (and sometimes tell them that story above - I had it on copy-and-paste).
To my surprise, most girls were highly assumed and thought my childhood story was "adorable". Most also liked the I didn't mind their smoking, since most non-smoking guys apparently have a problem with it.
I simply told them that we'd go out and how I'd light their cigarettes and stare at them and how much sexual power they would have over me.
Sure enough -
More times than I can count I took these girls out to coffee/lunch/dinner (I totally don't my paying for food/drink if it's part of the foreplay) and they would quietly shower me in their intoxicating carbon monoxide. They were turned on because I was turned on. I'd take them to my place to have sex afterward. I must have done this same "date" 3 to 4 times a week for 4 months straight.
I perfected it (it too was easy) and totally enjoyed it.
Interestingly enough, my 'smoking fetish' is much much less today.
That is because I got it indulged and satisfied over-and-over-and-over.
I don't know what the 'medical research' says, but in my experience - you can definitely "get over" your fetishes.
Getting them indulged (fulfilled) is definitely key and we'll talk about the other significant steps in a future post.
(hint: if you have some hardcore fetishes - this is a great resource if you live in a bigger city)
Smoking was just one of my weirdo fetishes (I don't actually believe it's weird and I'm sure as fuck not ashamed), I got the vast majority of my fetishes/fantasies fulfilled the exact same way.
It was one of my goals and I sure as hell knocked it out.
These days, I can appreciate "normal sex" just fine although my current girlfriend is happy to play out whatever turns me on that day.
Those were the 3 most important goals.
Along the way, I decided I had a few others too.
#1 I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO TRAVEL BY MYSELF AND SLEEP WITH LOCAL GIRLS
(accomplished in the USA/Canada)
Come to think of it, this was one of my goals from the start.
Unlike most guys, I didn't want to travel and entertain myself by simply snapping pictures of historical sites and buying overpriced t-shirts.
I wanted to Get Laid.
I pictured myself doing this in Europe, going from city to city to sample the vagina.
I never did that though.
Although I've travelled to the vast majority (41?) states in the USA, sleeping with a lot of girls along the way (especially during a 39 day coast-to-coast roadtrip), I still haven't been out of North America for an extended period of time.
I don't really know why, other than [I guess] it wasn't hugely important to me.
Once I knew I could Get Laid and realized I shared a city (Los Angeles) with the hottest girls in the world, I didn't have that much motivation to jump ship.
Instead, I indulged, later meeting the girl who is my current girlfriend and shifted nearly all my time and resources to my "professional" and financial goals.
For me, who "goofed" around for years, it was the correct decision.
#2 Be a "Major Player" in the Hollywood The Club Scene
This one played out way differently than I imagined.
Back when I discovered the "seduction community", I dreamt about being "that guy" who went to nightclubs (environments that I used hate) and took home a new girl every night.
After I got comfortable in "The Scene", I was as successful as any guy at that.
In fact, it's where I was at my very best.
Turns out, however, cold approaching girls (who are in closed groups with social commitments and ALREADY HAVE after-party plans) in ridiculously loud environments - wasn't a super efficient use of time.
For guys who don't "stand out" (or make themselves stand out) it can be virtually worthless.
While most girls are willing to makeout in clubs, they have no plans to leave their groups of friends and it's not easy to change their mind.
What is WAY BETTER than 'cold approach' is breaking into the party circles so you have access to the pre-party, group/table and most importantly THE AFTER-PARTY.
Arguably, the guys you befriend and party with are more important than the girls.
If they are popular, there will be no shortage of new girls. Ever.
Unusually sentimental, I've thought a lot about "luck" in the past couple days.
I discussed it while I wrote, "Why I'm Jealous of You...".
There was a 'luck' element to this chapter too.
When I moved back to West Hollywood, I joined Equinox Fitness (the membership was ridiculous $169/month).
This Equinox is rightfully known as "The Gym to Be Seen At".
It was the gym that was featured several times on hit show "The Hills".
Celebrities workout there.
But more importantly to my cause - rich party kids with popular social circles did too.
Thankfully for me, at 6-2 225lbs (hardly big by real standards), I stood out like a sore thumb at Equinox-WeHo.
As I got to see the same groups of people that trained at ~7pm on every weekday night - I started making acquaintances.
Some of these acquaintances became friends and invited me out to party with them.
(some were looking for free personal training/diet advice, steroids and other drugs - some of which I could provide)
Anytime I was offered, unlike in college, I MADE SURE I went out and met their friends.
Sometimes - I would bring alcohol to their parties.
Sometimes - I would bring groups of girls.
Sometimes - I would even volunteer to be the designated driver.
(I didn't need alcohol since Kratom/Phenibut is better)
Most of these guys were cool, some were blatant wastes of life.
But that is to be expected in The Scene.
Everyone knew everyone, people were connected.
Like most guys, however, just about all these guys didn't have the nerve/know-how to pick up girls while sober (or drunk in some cases).
Since we often got access to clubs early to take advantage of the open bar, I could bring them entire groups of girls to mingle with, that they otherwise would have been to shy to speak.
When the club was kicking, I could bring entire groups of girls over to the table (or sometimes - no table).
Couple that with my [former] access to steroids and drugs -
I got more invites than I could even commit to.
I was very, very, very well liked.
Some guys would even try to set with up with girls in their circle to ensure that I would be part of their group, if not just for a few weeks.
For 3 months, my friend (who was a mid/high-level Hollywood/Downtown promoter) even let me live for free at the mansion he and his crew rented. That was an experience.
(tell you about it later, we haven't really discussed my 'party era'; I was braindead after and picked up a nasty dopamine habit that Spring)
Needless to say, I met and partied with A TON of girls along the way.
For a while - I literally lived at the after-party house that so many girls wanted to be at.
It was like Spring Break every.single.day.
It had never been easier when I was [semi-] "Scene Popular".
On most nights, just by pre-party behavior or texts from earlier in the day, I already knew which girl(s) I was going to sleep with.
Being popular in 'The Scene' made cold approach look like a joke.
Cold approach is undeniably valuable to build fundamentals however. And Definitely something that you should do for at least a year.
Try to have fun with it, it was one of the reasons I killed it in the party circles.
Those were my 5 goals.
The first 3 were the most important to me.
As you may have noticed, not included among them was -
- A committed relationship with a hot, loyal girl
- Any mention of "quantity"
- Or any specific "type" of girl (hot blonde girls)
All of those weren't my focus and would naturally come if I fulfilled my other goals.
Sure enough, they did.
Also not mentioned was the lifestyle changes and social adjustments I made along the way.
But it wasn't all heterosexual rainbows and lollipops.
I made the decision to stop speaking to a lot of people, including some former good friends and anyone who brought any negativity into my life (with the exception of my parents, who I simply limited communication with).
I had to make some tough decisions to leave the past behind.
I burned some bridges.
Sometimes for no other reason than to make myself move forward, often without any guidance or light.
My commitment to shed the past and start anew was stronger than my commitment to preserve any relationship or custom. In hindsight, a near 'Scorched Earth' policy.
I would have changed my name if it would have made me lose my formerly huge ego more quickly.
Although it took me about over a year to really get started -
I was -
If you enjoyed/learned something, feel free to drop me a comment below.
I read them all, even though I may not reply.
If you require comprehensive feedback or have specific questions, the forum is where it's at.