Misconceptions About "Players"
(updated: August 24th 2014)
One of my biggest beefs with the whole 'Pickup Artist', 'Seduction Community' and mainstream (Men's Journal, Maxim, etc.) is that, either intentionally or subconsciously, they totally exaggerate how "skilled", smooth or confident a guy who is naturally successful with women actually is.
Vulnerable or inexperienced guys are led to believe that they need to become a superhero to be successful with women.
"I'll never get to that level!"
"I have so far to go..."
It's not true at all.
Guys just need to -
- look better than 80-90% of other guys
- talk to more girls than 80-90% of other guys.
The whole idea of the "Natural" who is good with women is often completely misconstrued as well.
Guys are led to believe that a guy that is "naturally" successful with women innately possess all sorts of exceptional skills and confidence, that he isn't even aware of, but that needs to be analyzed, fully understood, flawlessly practiced and perfectly executive.
It's not true at all.
I'm defining 'successful' as -
- the ability to take an attractive girl home on any given night (lets say - 1 or 2 a week)
- sleeping with, or having the ability to sleep with, 2 or more hot fuck buddies
Even if your goals are far beyond that, you probably agree that the above definition is applicable and that the majority of guys don't have this going for them.
Today, and even moreso in my lesser successful days, I've had a lot of friends that were successful with women.
Some of them are featured in my "Sense of Entitlement" discussion and throughout Good Looking Loser.
A few of them have shared their "secrets" when I asked but most of them had nothing new to offer.
Most of them asked me questions, for hours.
A minority weren't interested in sharing their secrets, for fear that there would literally be less girls for them. (serious)
To set the record straight, let me tell you about these guys - who they are and who they aren't.
Misconception #1: They Go Out to Cold Approach Random Girls
A lot of my friends laughed at me (mostly behind my back) when I got really involved in the "pick up thing" back in 2006.
They thought it was stupid and that I didn't "need" it.
I dismissed their criticism as jealously but to a degree - they were right.
The idea of going out on a "sarge" or "mission" to do "sets" with "openers" and "routines" with the sole purpose of "number closing" sounded pathetic to them.
In hindsight, I totally get it - meeting women should be part of an overall lifestyle.
Being a player is SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE, not something you that do and certainly not something that you dress up for on an intermittent basis.
These guys, like myself at certain times in certain cities, have a lot of friends, especially attractive popular girls who are their friends.
These girls simply tell them which girls think they are "hot" and which girls are single and interested.
They also have cool guys as friends who give them leads as well - in return for the same and an understood "non-competition" "bro's before ho's" silent agreement.
(although that is routinely broken)
When they do hit the bars and clubs, they are going with a group they pre-partied with and usually meeting up with a group of girls. They aren't going out alone.
The big group eventually "mingles" with other groups and sexually available girls begin to reveal themselves as they consume more and more alcohol.
The group usually has an afterparty spot and can drink with the group and with the new faces into the early hours of the morning.
They are constantly around drunk girls at a familiar house that has open bedrooms - what more could you ask for?
It's basically as I describe in "Party (Club) Game".
Pre-parties, bars/clubs and after-parties - is where the action is to be had.
When they do approach random girls, there's usually a significant amount of eye contact beforehand and the "social proof" of being part of a group of cool guys and attractive girls.
It usually goes quite well but usually they are looking to sleep with a girl they have been "working on" from their own group.
The most successful guys do some approaching, as part of an overall lifestyle, simply to avoid drama within their circles and have another stream of pussy available to them.
Some guys don't do any significant approaching and always have 1 or 2 girls they are sleeping with - simply because they are constantly tipped off on which girls are sexually-available.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women don't get the bulk of their pussy from cold approach.
Misconception #2: They Are All Good At Approaching Random Girls
Not only are successful guys not setting aside a 8 hour block of time to "sarge" on a "mission" with their "lair" buddies, but a lot of them aren't particularly good at cold approaching random girls.
The best ones are, but I'm speaking about the norm.
Most have what we would call "approach anxiety" and self-medicate with alcohol.
A few smoke a lot of weed - it seems to be a performance enhancer for them, unlike for me.
As part of an overall social lifestyle (leave the house during the day, go out to drink/party 2-3 nights a week), they simply do what I call "Basic Guy Game" or what seduction community dorks call "AFC Game" when the opportunity presents itself (eye contact, approach invite, for example).
They give a girl a compliment or strike up a conversation about something in the immediate area, make small talk and ask her to meet them for a drink. Some even take the girl to dinner.
In bar/club situations, they ask the girl (and her friends) to come to their afterparty.
The girls know they are interested and if they come along - they are interested too.
As mentioned, their approaches seem to go quite well.
This is not because of their "game" (it hardly ever is).
It's because the girls ALREADY like them, hence the eye-contact, smile, etc.
As silly as the whole "pick up thing" seemed to a lot of my friends, I think most of them respected what I was trying to do and acknowledged that the idea of walking around and hitting on random girls for hours freaked them out a little. Nearly every one one of them has told me a story about some hot girl they saw during the day but didn't talk to.
As a side note, one of my friends has slept with over 100 girls - 98% of them (literally ~98 girls) from online dating. (JDate)
Most guys that are naturally successful with women don't actually have super "game". They are sloppy, aggressive but not smooth.
Guys that are naturally successful consider "aggressive" to be - talking to a lot of girls.
Whereas our definition is - touching girls, early and often.
Misconception #3: They Know What "Game" Is
Besides Scotty and one other guy, my most successful friends don't really know what "game" is.
Most think that talking about it in-depth is geek shit.
Most of these guys considered "game" to be -
- the ability to make small talk
- the ability to make girls laugh
- the ability to be smooth
- the ability to say the right thing
- the ability to make girls like you
Game is Killer Instinct.
They are all familiar with the idea of "manning up" and "pulling the trigger" - so of course the concept isn't entirely foreign to them. Most of them feel that "pulling the trigger" is quite easy, it's the initial part of walking up to the girl that's the hardest part.
All of them "get good" with girls once they know the girl likes them. From there, most of them play to win rather than not to lose - that's why they Get Laid a lot.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women can't really pinpoint "game" or understand female psychology. They just "go for it".
Speaking of Manning [up], here's a random video I did a while back -
Misconception #4: They Have Flashy, Spectacular "Game"
As mentioned, by and large, these guys do "Basic Guy" or "AFC" Game.
Another term for it is -
TALKING TO PEOPLE
Some of them have different techniques such as 'winking' at a girl, showing a girl his dance moves or asking the girl to buy them a drink.
They can make small talk and flirt fairly well.
Most of them understand the power of sending "Mixed Messages", whether to a new girl or one they have been seeing for a while.
A few of them simply just lie their asses off and exaggerate what they are doing with their lives.
(Josh says he's an established investment banker - but he has no job whatsoever)
All of them know that alcohol is the quickest way into a girl's pants.
The one thing that impresses my friends is the speed at which Scotty, and sometimes myself, are able to get girls alone or in our car.
For them, however, they don't consider it all that necessary and are plenty satisfied with their own approach to meeting women.
Although most of these guys have slept with more girls than most guys would in seven lifetimes - if they ever did in-field videos, hordes of pick up geeks would say they sucked with women and had no game for their lack of creativity and insistence on "normal" conversation.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women don't have flashy "game". They have a technique or two and good social skills.
Misconception #5: They Never Put Women on a Pedestal
One rule that permeates throughout the seduction community and even mainstream dating is -
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PUT A WOMAN ON A PEDESTAL.
These guys break this "rule" time and time again.
Not only do to break this rule, but some of them put every single woman on a pedestal.
In fact, in any given night, the ones that do their version of cold approach, basically tell every single girl they are interested in that she is "beautiful" or "gorgeous".
Since they come off as cool guys, often with the help of their crew (other cool guys, attractive girls), a lot of girls are really receptive to their exaggerated compliments and become legitimately jealous when they think they see them telling other girls the exact same thing.
By the end of the night, the interested girls reveal themselves and they'll ask the hottest/best candidate to come to their afterparty.
Truth be told, giving exaggerated [not overly genuine] compliments to multiple women might not be "putting them on a pedestal" since most of my friends don't actually give a shit about these girls.
It's just their version of "game".
But I wanted to dispel the notion that you can't just walk around a room telling girls that they are hot and not have any girls that are interested.
That's the furthest thing from the truth if you have above-average sex appeal.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women sometimes put women on a pedestal.
Misconception #6: They Are Zen Masters, Always In Control of Their Emotions and Feelings
From the birth of the seduction community, "Zen", "Chi", yoga and alike practices have been suggested as absolute necessities to help guys control their emotions, ward off rejection, deal with "shit tests" and hostility from the opposite sex.
It's not that these things are bad - it just doesn't matter that much.
Your "inner game", sense of entitlement and confidence comes from experience and results, not Eastern medicine.
All of these guys are competitive as fuck.
All of these guys can lose control and start yelling at people that piss them off.
All of these guys, at some point or another, get emotionally attached to women.
All of these guys have sent mean/attention-seeking/desperate [looking] texts and Facebook messages to women.
Some are drama queens by my definition and probably yours too.
Most of these guys would be quick to put a girl in her place if she was overly rude to them.
Most of these guys have been kicked out of bars or clubs for escalating fights, some which they probably started in the first place.
All of these guys get laid significantly more than anyone in the "pick up world" that I know, with the exception of Scotty and 2 others.
These guys prioritize BEING A MAN and DO WHAT YOU WANT over any sort of "Zen" state and generally laugh at that sort of approach for attracting women.
It's literally a fucking joke to them. As it should be.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women aren't fully in control of their emotions. Some can be drama queens.
Misconception #7: Guys That Are Successful with Women Have No Social Anxiety
One of the biggest exaggerations is how little social anxiety "normal" successful-with-women guys have.
Just ~3 weeks ago, one of the most successful guys I know, Sean, was freaking out so much when he was New York City that he literally called me to comfort him. (no homo)
He told me that he had to get the fuck out of New York, the buildings were too tall and there were too many people around him.
If you would have heard our phone call (and prior voicemail he sent me) you would think the guy hadn't slept with a woman in years.
Quite the opposite, he had 2 girls dropping by his hotel and fucking him. At the same time.
That example is extreme but the majority of my really successful friends need alcohol to face the crowds and enjoy themselves.
The only difference is - they know what they're doing once they can get one-on-one with a girl that is into them.
That, and - they make nearly every effort to look as good as they possibly can.
They understand that girls are attracted to good looks and that "game" (or "personality") can't really compensate for a lack there of - unless in a relationship.
To be fair, all of these guys have above-average social freedom, as compared to the average guy who doesn't speak to any women and just stares at his feet all day.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women have some social anxiety - more than a lot of pick up students actually.
Misconception #8: Guys That Are Successful with Women Have No Sexual Anxiety
(this is just a guess)
As with social anxiety, most of these guys have some sexual anxiety too. Albeit, probably less than the average guy since they have more experience.
While getting with a "new girl" is exciting, it can be nerve-wracking if she is particularly hot or they are moving faster than usual.
It's not surprising that alcohol does them a world of good.
Sexual anxiety is not a topic that even my close(r) friends were really willing to go in-depth about.
I've seen more than one of them get jealous of their partner's [supposed] sexual past or concerned when a hung guy infiltrated one of their circles.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women have some sexual anxiety, particularly with a new partner.
Misconception #9: Guys That Are Successful with Women Are Always Well-Rounded
Since self-improvement, social status (1/2 of Swag Factor) and being the 'Elite Guy' is significant for getting and retaining girls, especially the hottest ones - it's no wonder that dating advice has taken a turn toward 'personal development' or 'lifestyle' in recent years.
That's all well and good.
The part that isn't so kosher is that it's totally exaggerated how "great" you actually have to be.
Even more exaggerated, whether directly or implied, is how "well-rounded" you have to be.
The majority of successful guys I know are hardly well-rounded if their resumes are put under a microscope.
They all simply LOOK GOOD and TALK TO GIRLS.
They might have a hobby or two that seems impressive, the ones that keep fuck buddies for months are the "Mr. Juxtaposition" guy that I describe.
Not for all of them however.
Some of these guys have very little ambition and simply live paycheck-to-paycheck, with a sizable portion of their money spent on cocaine, cocktails and cab rides.
I'm not saying that this is an example of what you should be, I'm saying that you don't need to be well-rounded.
You just need to -
- Look Good
- Talk to Girls
In that order.
Scotty (Brian), is the best guy I know at cold-approaching women. He would admit that he's not particularly well-rounded and that his "identity" hasn't cost him jack shit in terms of getting girls in his bed.
The notion of being a Sophisticated "Renaissance Man" to score pussy is highly overrated and totally time consuming.
Just ask our forum Admin - Mark.
He is the quintessential Renaissance Man, highly educated, well-cultured, well-spoken, tall, handsome and has been to over 20 different countries. He's the best athlete I know too and played Division I College football in the Big10.
It wasn't until he started [using the information which later became] Good Looking Loser that he saw significant success.
Just ask him.
A significant part of premise of becoming "well-rounded" and having several cool, interesting hobbies was somehow to ease the pain of rejection and not put women first.
Why don't you just LOOK GOOD?
It's a lot easier.
My advice is to be ABOVE-AVERAGE, that's all you need.
I discuss this in further detail here-
Most guys that are naturally successful with women aren't particularly well-rounded and rarely are "sophisticated", per your definition.
Misconception #10: Guys That Are Successful with Women Are Secure With Their Looks
Not to overly generalize but my friends that are really good with women fall into two categories -
- Meathead/Gym Rats
- Los Angeles/Orange County Dirtbags
The former look undeniably better than the average guy - if not genetically - then by their style/image.
Since they REALLY value their appearance, it's also one of their biggest insecurities.
- Am I bloated from this protein shake?
- How does my chin look?
- Is this a pimple?
- Does this shirt make me look small?
- Is my hair falling out?
- Are my wrists too thin today?
- Do I need a tan?
- Should I wear black socks with these jeans?
Despite the day-to-day confidence fluctuations, even on a insecure day, they will still probably have a candidate or two willing to go home with them if they can muster up the courage/momentum to make it around the bar and talk to 10 or 20 girls.
How is this possible?
THEY LOOK GOOD.
THEY TALK TO GIRLS.
The latter group (LA/OC Dirtbags) can get insecure about their looks for the opposite reason -
Many aren't physically active enough.
The ones that are physically active, however, are absolutely killer with women and would rival Scotty and myself in my prime.
Truth be told, despite the day-to-day insecurity spikes, both groups of guys are more secure with their looks than the average guy.
Some, however, not by that much.
Most guys that are naturally successful with women aren't totally secure with their appearance. But they are more secure than the average guy.
So there you have it.
There's other misconceptions about "players" -
- They love being single.
- They live totally gratifying lives.
- They live totally non-gratifying lives.
- They are sociopaths.
- They are on a conquest mission for self-validation.
- They are not on a conquest mission for self-validation.
- They have their shit together.
- They don't have their shit together.
But by and large, we covered all the misconceptions above.
Most guys that are naturally really successful with women are simply above-average looking guys with above-average social skills, friends and a sense of entitlement (confidence) to them. They also talk to a lot of girls.
It's actually a bit odd to come across a "loner" that has a good sex life.
You might find a guy like this, time from to time, there's plenty of examples of this - Scotty and I are "loners" to some degree.
It's just a bit rare.
I'll tell you though - if you are a loner (with leadership qualities and individual goals) and can get laid, you'll never feel lonely.
In fact, the world is your oyster.
Work hard to get those first one or two fuckbuddies.
By any means necessary.
And Then KEEP approaching girls during this period.
You will truly feel what it is like to not care.
You will truly feel what it is like to have fun socially.
You may even realize - you finally made it.