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Sorry this same sort of thread comes up over and over but I never really hear a lot of answers besides "Go out, meet cool guys".
I moved to the U.S. a couple of years ago. I initially had a network of people I knew through others back home but over time everyone has left to go back home or have settled down and disappeared off the face of the earth.
Here's my experience:
- I'm not in college so no class mates.
- I work but in a professional setting, everyone is older and married off, live outside the city, no social aspect to work.
- I've joined clubs/sports/meetup but it's just a lot of other weird dudes. Like, either they are super intense if it's something like a sports team and they show up, play and have no interest in hanging for a beer after. Or if it's something like Meetup, it's just generally weird dudes that are open to actually being friends. I tried persisting with hanging with a few for a while but they're just really odd dudes off the internet, or really whiney or depressed. I think that's why they are open to making friends, nobody else wants to be around them!!!
- Meet guys "out". I get chatting to a lot of people when I'm out, sometimes we're having a great time. But obviously, it's weird asking a guy at a bar to hang again or swap numbers. I've tried it out of lack of other options but most guys are just having fun when they're drunk, they won't seriously hit you up again.
I'm stalling out here a little. If you remove work or college being a help. How do you meet some decent friends?
Surely there must be LOTS of guys on here who've done it?
I have ONE lead. I went on a couple of dates with this girl a while back. It didn't really click but she got in touch lately and we agreed to hang out as friends. I'm invited to a bbq this weekend but I really have no idea what to expect. On one hand, maybe I'll meet people. On the other hand, it could be super weird like "Who are you, how do you know people here,etc etc". I know I should go but I also feel really exposed and awkward about this particular situation.
If I DO get a lead like that, I'd like to be able to invite them somewhere but you need one or two friends in the first place to be like "Oh, I'll be here, why don't you join us?".
You gave yourself the answer yourself. Since you have no other option I would just stick to meeting girls.
Do they have to know you live there since a couple of years? Just tell them you just moved because of the great job opportunity and now you know noone. Maybe she will show you around and you will meet new friends (guys and girls) thanks to her.
For the BBQ just tell them the same think. You moved here a few weeks (or months, dont know how long you dated that girl) ago and you are new to the area. Ask for good clubs or bars and if they can show them to you. Collect some phone numbers to get this cool club shown.
motivated wrote: Having really close friends is overrated. I would say keep banging girls and don't worry about not having friends. Of course, you can always use Chris' "New Guy" line.
I don't really think it is. Have you been in the situation?
I think putting up with being friends with *anybody* just to be friends is over rated for sure. That's why I dropped the guys I knew. They were a mental and physical drain, very depressed, nothing going for them but they didn't realize it. Infact I stopped getting laid much around them since they'd either get pussy if I was talking to girls or just come in and ruin it.
I'm better off alone than that. But it's a lonely life. I'd like some cool people to hang with. Most of my *own* time is spent alone and it'd be cool to have a friend or two join me like back home.
I'm not really sure how many of you with the mindset of "just get girls" really do. It's not that satisfying. I mean, it's cool in the moment and cool to know you can but at some point it gets a little empty to keep meeting people like this but it's fleeting, not an actual friendship.
I understand the new guy thing. I'm trying to use it more than saying I'm here a few years since it seems odd to be here a while with no friends but indid, just circumstances has eventually led to it.
The slight trouble with the new guy thing is I'm in the North east. It feels like 5 million colleges in a 5 mile radius. People come and go every September so when I say I'm new they just say "Cool, where do you go to school?". I don't go to school anymore I graduated a long time ago. But people here are used to people coming and leaving 10 months later. When you're the new guy it's like "Oh cool, well enjoy the few months here, bye..." sort of attitude.
Im in the same shoes as you man. Moved to australia from canada a few years ago and never really clicked with a crew down here. I've been self critical and p'd off about it in the past but id say just do you and focus on girls. If someone isnt a benefit to myself and my life I don't really give a fuck at this point. Being different can give you the oppurtunity to break the mould and excel in certain circumstances.
Friends are definitely important, so I get where you're coming from. What sports have you looked into?
I know you've heard it before but I really think sports is the best way to meet new friends but I'll add what I think is often missed when people here this advice:
1. Make sure you compete in whatever sport you choose
If you want to build close ties with someone it's not enough to simply be in the same sportshall once in a while, you have to be in the trenches together, and teh best way to do so is through competition. When you train together towards a common goal and compete together whether in a team setting (football) or individually supporting eachother from the sideline (BJJ) that's when you bond.
2. Different sports attract different people. I think in general contact sports attract "cooler" people (especially BJJ, I'm extremely biased in this regard).
I'm stereotyping here but if I wanted to find guys to go roleplaying with in the forest I'd probably join an archery class. Whereas if I wanted to find guys from the "cool" crowd I'd probably look into football, MMA, BJJ. This is an over-generalization but it's worth keeping in mind when you say you've met a lot of weird dudes through sports.
Well I am actually. I hang out with different social circles but I don't really have any "close friend" so to speak. It's not as bad as you make it out to be. I think you're looking at it wrongly.
You should treat making friends like getting laid, it's just a number game. You can't make someone "like" you just like you can't make an unavailable girl available. You just blast through multiple people until you find someone that just click. If you do get one, that's great, if not you're fine by yourself. You don't need anything.
I know what you mean and I think all you can really do is sports or sports related. It may even be more beneficial to try to get involved in little league sports. Even if you don't have kids you can possibly get involved as a helper, assistant coach or even a coach if your up to it.
Secondly female friends are great especially to talk to , but you can only do so much with them and no matter how cool they will never be a cool guy, if you know what I mean. Its beneficial to have both though.
I know it might come across that way since I asked the question but I'm like the least needy person.
I just hate BS, and people wasting your time.
If people are always nasty or moody or complaining, I don't have time for it.
With the clubs, those were the guys I met. They has no friends, I needed friends. But I quickly found out why they had no friends. I didn't want to be around them either!
Otherwise people just showed up, we're really intense with the sport or activity and had no interest in socializing in any way. It was very business like for them, it seemed.
I don't beg anyone for attention. Like if I was at a game, maybe I'll throw out the idea of a beer after or try asking a few people if they want a beer or whatever it is we could do. But people seem not to be bothered when they don't know you well. There'll always be an excuse and "we'll do it next week. Picking out curtains with the GF tomorrow ". So I'm like sure... I asked, they don't want to so whatever. I'm not gonna pester them to be friends.
Thanks for the input so far guys. I do appreciate it.
Thinking it over though. Here's what kinda bothers me the most.
If I want to meet women. I can go to a bar. I can walk thru the mall. Once I start talking to them, the pretense is pretty obvious and either we hook up or we dont. Getting girls is not that big a problem for me.
But the "usual" places like meet up or sports teams where the pretense to make friends. Hasn't worked so well. So unlike meeting women, i don't know where to go to generally make friends.
To be honest. I'm fine with going out to get girls. I do it alone loads and no problems there. But I'd love to go do normal stuff with a few people sometimes. That's normal right?
Don't mean to sound harsh, but if a lot of weird guys go to meetups, and you go to meetups aren't you kind of like them?
What I mean is there is a reason you have no friends just like those weird guys. Just one facet to examine.
Another reason is just your circumstance. New in town, work in an environment with no cool young guys.
Also, what are you bringing to the table? What value are you offering?
School are like being in competitive sports I suppose. You bond in the trenches. Out in the real world, people only make friends if they value to be gained. Why do you want to hang out with a cool guy? You are not a homo. Maybe he's funny. Maybe he tells good stories. He dress cool and won't embarrass you when you guys go out. He is cool to everyone around him so you feel comfortable when you go out with him. He knows a lot of parties. He has a boat and you can invite chicks to his boat. He is a good listener, and actively listens when you talk about girls, life, money, sports. He has same interests as you, MMA, cars, surfing.
The guy I hang out with most now a days I met him volunteering. We decided to keep in touch when we volunteer in future events. We hang out to go meet women at night, go swimming in the ocean, play basketball. We talk about weight lifting, and sports. He dresses well, and he knows I can approach girls when we go out so he likes to go out with me etc.
I've listed some "values", but the cheapest, universally available value is good energy. Try to give people positive energy.
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