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Well I got my bloodwork done for std's / hiv a few hours ago and the test results should be in monday I was told. Really wish it could be sooner... its going to be a long weekend i guess. Also I got my leg X-rayed which didnt show anything. From what I read on the internet this was to be expected and what I really need is a bone scan which i talked with my doctor about. Priority #1 is the testing and then ill go from there.
I was going to hangout with my girlfriend today but I decided not to since im broke right now and really just dont care to go sit in my house. Im starting to really miss her though which Is a nice feeling in an odd sort of way. Were going to hangout thursday when I get paid and its going to feel great holding and kissing her. We have basically both agreed how horrible sex is with a condom and that we can wait to see if anything shows up on the test.
Also Ive been texting the girl from badoo all day and we have smoothed some things over. I've let her know about the test and that we should meet after I find out the results. Overall it feels much better talking to her today and I've let her know some of my concerns about things she has told me. Shes handled it really well and Im not feeling so edgy about meeting her now. Only time will tell if this is a mistake or not.
I get paid thursday and after I buy some kratom ill be getting that gym membership. Im usually fine working out by myself in my house but lately it just seems almost impossible to do that. Doing only body weight exercises and using 30 lb dumbbells gets extremely boring. The gym environment gives me a different kind of energy.
This saturday is the Michigan vs Michigan state football game in Ann arbor. I'll be going to the game with my dad to tailgate and watch the game at one of the bars. Im really excited for this and im going to really push myself to screen some girls. I would like to make a goal of mine to find some 9/10 or 10/10 hot chicks and just try to have a conversation. I think doing this will give me some great momentum and motivation later on. Being a diehard Michigan football fan was pure hell the last 7 years and this game means more than the Ohio state game right now. The only words that can describe this rivalry is pure hate. Ever since Mark Dantonio arrived at Michigan state and rebuilt that program, mercilessly curb stomping Michigan 6 out of the last 7 games. The Spartan fans will not shut up and they think there run will never end..... But Jim Harbough is on our side now you mother fuckers. He has instilled a discipline and belief in this team that no one in the country could have predicted. Im not sure ive ever been so happy watching football in my life before this year. So far this has been a special season and this win would mean everything to us wolverines. So excited for saturday...
Its sort of pathetic when i feel myself getting excited when I see that someone gave me karma lol. That dopamine loop is powerful.
The Curcumin continues to be effecting my mom possitively and I cant describe how happy im feeling about this. A lot of this is because of how much I love and respect my father who my mom pretty much has total control over. Her bad moods over the years have really run my dad down. Her being happier and more motivated will take a giant weight off my dads shoulders and consequently my shoulders as well from seeing my dad happier.
My doctor ended up calling me right when there office was closing a few hours ago and left a voicemail to call her back. I knew that the results couldnt have came back that fast but I couldnt help but start stressing out immediatley. I tryed to call back but just got the message machine saying they were closed. Out of desperation I decided to send my aunt who is a professor of nursing at a small local college about what the call could mean. She confirmed the results couldnt have came back this fast.
On top of all this my girlfriend said through text messages that shes feeling sick and like she has a fever... One of the symptoms of STDs. Of course the seasons are changing and its the time of year a lot of people get sick. Im praying to god thats all it is.
I've decided not to write about this anymore until the results come back. Its pointless to keep talking about it and out of my hands at the moment. But Im positive as the days keep getting closer to next week my stress will continue to rise.
Tomorrow I get paid and will see my girlfriend. Going to give her probiotics and other supplements to help make her feel better. Maybe ill take her to the movies to see The Martian or Everest. I actually tryed to see if we could meet up a minute ago to give her things for the fever but she said shes too tired. Excited to see her tomorrow.
Yesterday I randomly decided to make a new badoo account out of curiousity. I put up some of my best pictures I had saved in my email even though they are a little old. Some very cute 18 -19 year olds have visited which is pretty exciting...
Edit. An incredibly cute girl just returned a message I sent to her as we speak. She also lives about 20 minutes away. Please god ( if your there ) let me be healthy.
I'm borrowing my moms phone at the moment to write this. I'll just get to the point right away. My doctor called at noon and said I tested positive for Chlamydia. Not sure why I was told the results wouldn't be in until next week but I'm glad it was faster. I'm meeting up with the girlfriend in 2 hours to let her know she most likely has it. Im really a mixed bag of emotions right now. Mostly I'm relieved it's only chlamydia and that its 100% curable, but I'm very angry at myself as I should be. I have a lot more to write about this and about the girl who I'm 99.999% sure gave this to me but I'll save it for when I get to a keyboard. I'm Just going to end this by saying how thankful I am that it wasn't something worse that could have been with me for life. Actually.... I'll end by saying how horrible it was of me to put someone else's life and future in jeopardy because of my irresponsibility.
So I ended up catching the cold my girlfriend had. The last 4 days have been really shitty, just having no energy and constantly coughing / hacking up gross crap. No Energy at all.
Ive been doing some light stretches for two days now to get my body loosened up and ready for the gym. I didnt even put much pressure on my left leg and the sensation ive been feeling in my left shin bone returned slightly. This is very frustrating as I feel like ive given myself a long time to heal. Im going to call tomorrow and set up an appointment to get my leg bone scanned hopefully next week.
And on top of all this I somehow managed to sprain my elbow or something. Im positive this is from doing dead hangs on the pull up bar to decompress and stretch my back. Honestly Ive never really had to deal with injuries, even going back to playing every sport you can think of starting at age 7. All of a sudden the last two months im getting these nagging little injuries that arent serious but absolutley need to heal before I can start hitting the gym consistently again.
All of this is my fault im aware of this. I've been focusing too much on keeping a low body fat % for the last year and my lack of muscle mass has finally caught up with me.
After having a really great month in august and september this month has been a dumpster fire for me. I think my goals for right now are to put on some weight, get my leg tested and get myself ready for the gym. Not exercising is starting to make me crazy.
This is day two without kratom for me. It dawned on me about a week ago ( when I first thought about taking a break from kratom ) that I havent taken phenibut in over a year. To be exact, it was 15 months ago I believe. So I ordered a bag of hippo phenibut that came in the mail wednesday. Took 3 doses throughout the day yesterday ( I just eye balled some very small little bumps of phenibut and tossed n washed. Not recommended. ) and had a really pleasant / good day overall. I even slept a solid 7 hours which is usually impossible for me during any type of kratom withdrawal. All I can say is thank god for phenibut, its totally killing any discomfort. Keep in mind the last 4-5 months my kratom use has been a little out of control from how I used to be. It got to a point where I was taking 30-35 grams a day for months. Not exactly sure when things really started to get out of control but the money has been the biggest problem.
Until I can start having regular bearback sex again with my girlfriend ( hopefully soon ) I'll keep taking kratom. But regardless, this washout will be great for me. I'll take phenibut for the next 2-3 days and then drop it until my next planned break from kratom. And for anyone concerned, I've never cared much for phenibut and its never been addicting for me. I cant say the same for kratom
Im picking up my girl in an hour to take her to planned parenthood to test for chlamydia. After that not very sure what were going to do. But one more thing about phenibut.... I jerked off 3 times yesterday to random pictures of girls on facebook. I was SOO HORNY. My sex drive has not felt like that in awhile. Pretty awesome.
I really just need to be completely sober for awhile and do nothing else but work out and have sex with my girlfriend. Live in a normal clear eyed reality for a bit.
So I called planned parenthood to re-check on the price for the tests and it was more than I thought. The girl said it would be $50-100 when I thought i remember being told it was $25-35. Just an overall careless mistake on my part.... So I canceled the appointment and will reschedule for next week after I get my paycheck monday.
Yes Stag, thats actually something I thought about after reading your post about phenibut and kratom. The potential to become manic is absolutely there with these substances. If anything I would stay away from phenibut and never touch the stuff. Its simply too unpredictable and with all the meds your taking it just wouldnt be a good idea.
I'll say this about kratom though for your case. If you start feeling very intense cravings to go out and get wasted on something hardcore like liquor or marijuana, cocaine etc. Just stop yourself from doing this and buy some kratom. Its so much safer and could be a perfect thing for you if things ever get really bad. Let me be clear again, only use kratom as a last resort option. Just stay sober and start hooking up with girls again
With all that said, im feeling pretty euphoric from phenibut, Curcumin and lots of coffee at the moment. I want to write about something ive been thinking a lot about lately as far as my personal addiction tendency goes. For a long time I was using all kinds of substances to self medicate for depression. These days its mostly just flat out boredom that im deciding to use kratom daily. Its extremely important to form a plan for myself both short term and long term with goals. Something that keeps me busy on a daily basis and that i actually enjoy doing. This is where exercise comes in... because I have a lot of ideas, but things are too damn hazey at the moment. I know that If workout 4-5 days a week for atleast two weeks ill feel like a completely different person and be able to think clearly. <--- just realized how rambled this looks.
Last thing about addiction theory. Like a lot of you on this forum im sort of a nerd about brain chemistry and trying to understand human behavior etc. I think having low oxytocin has been possibly my biggest problem for awhile now. For anyone who doesnt know what oxytocin is just do a quick read on google to understand it more. But to sum it up, its a hormone humans produce when we feel connected to other people. It rises during sex and when were genuinely enjoying social interactions. My theory is that my complete lack of friendships ( also since discovering GLL and other red pill websites, ive slowly been growing apart from 97% of my family and its inevitable that ill cut off contact with most of them ) has resulted in low oxytocin and caused problems.
I could write about this for a long time but ill try to elaborate on this before I leave in a few minutes. For a long time (4-5 years ) near the end of my marijuana smoking habbit I only wanted to smoke weed alone. I can recall when I first moved into my home over 2 1/2 years ago. I would buy a bag of weed and then sit around my house stoned for 3 days. All I would do is read books, exercise or play video games while smoking pot. Theres a lot more things that were happening during this time im not really talking about because of how long it would take to explain. But i was completely unstable ( im still pretty fucked up. But things were really bad for awhile.)
The reality is that for a long time I was not getting laid and I was constantly alone. I was much more comfortable getting fucked up and spending all of my time on a computer either talking to " friends " ( people in chat rooms. On skype etc. ) and jacking off to porn or girls shaking there asses on youtube. I had just started reading " The Game " and consequently tons of other websites about pick up. Im almost positive this lifestyle created a giant oxytocin deficiency. Fast forward to when I found GLL and everything really started changing ( still very slowly ).
The last few months have been a big turn around for me and Im feeling like my old self ( 15-16 year old captain ). It feels totally normal ( most days ) and enjoyable to be out in the world just taking a walk and being around people. Im with a good girl who I want to be with ( mostly ) and when were together its usually us laying around holding each other and exchanging random kisses ( of course shes very sexual and wants to give me random blow jobs with no effort on my part ). We have gone on dates to the movies, restaurants, and recently a detroit red wings game.
Back to my point.... Life feels different. Life IS different. I absolutley believe oxytocin is playing a big role in reducing cravings for drugs and makes life great.
Today I bought some NAC sustained release pills. This is the third bottle of sustained release I've bought from jarrow and its official that this brand has the best effect on me. I had tried the normal instant release kind maybe 15-20 times on different occasions and Im surprised how different it feels. I threw the rest of my old bottle out last night.
Anyways it feels like the cobwebs in my head are being cleared right now. Curcumin has this effect on me as well but it can be almost too intense at times, its hard to explain. Im feeling very encouraged though.
Heres my current supplement stack that ive been cycling. The dosages and days I use these are almost never the same as I usually just go about how my body feels on any given day. For example I usually only take Curcumin and ashwagandha once or twice a week.
-Vitamin c ( for whatever reason vitamin C seems to have a big effect on me as well. I take 3-5 grams a day of ester C )
- Vitamin D 5000 mcg
- magnesium oxide
- B complex
After tons and tons of experimenting with supplements over the years I doubt ill be really using anything other than these. Of course fish oil and Greens powder will be thrown in there on occasion. Moving on....
After talking mostly positive about my girlfriend im very seriously thinking of breaking up with her. The truth is I think im just becoming bored with her. Being that shes from brazil and her english isnt that great is starting to get to me. I guess the novelty is wearing off. I have more thoughts on this but ill hold back from making any decisions just yet between us. Emotionally I still feel close to her and thats been whats on my mind the most. On one side I know it would be good for me to keep seeing her ( sexual experience and the companionship ) but on the other hand I dont want to hurt her.......
Then again I could be wrong and she doesnt care that much about me anyways. I rescheduled for her chlamydia screening this friday.
Tonight I will do some minor core strengthening and stretches. Whiten my teeth, meditate for 15 minutes, watch monday night football with my dad and eat a good dinner. Tomorrow im forcing myself to get up at 7:30 and meditate for 15 minutes. Clean my house spotless. Get to work and finish up by 2 or 3 pm. From there ill go to the bookstore and do some reading or go to Ann arbor and take a walk. Basically I want to be busy all day tomorrow and get to bed early while being completely exhausted.
I know I also said a short term goal was to get a gym membership which I still plan on doing. But at the moment I dont think I can spare the $50. I was able to workout very shortly the last two days regardless. My energy levels are starting to get back to normal which is a great feeling.
Got everything I said I would do done today. The NAC is making a big difference and giving me that kick in the ass I needed. I'm absolutely exhausted right now and will sleep great tonight. My goals for tomorrow. Wake up at 6:30. Meditate for 20 minutes. Go to work. Do six minutes of planking, 1 minute sets. Brush my teeth 3 times and floss twice. Stay out of the house around people for at least 4 hours. I'll be doing a few other things but these are the main goals. Really just trying to build up some momentum right now.
So things have been very up and down lately with my life and sense of well being. I'll try to stick to the main points and not ramble on too much for this update.
The good news right now is that my body is finally starting to feel normal again. There had been a lot of pain in the middle of my back and my right knee became swollen and just hurt for a solid week. I blame this for bending over so much at work to pick things up repeatedly with bad form. My elbow still seems to keep getting re-injured which has been frustrating. I ended up buying an elbow brace. But for now it seems about 75-80%. Im going to be doing some forearm strengthening exercises which I read will strengthen the elbow joint. Anyways, I was getting worried there but it seems like im ready to get my fitness back in check which still needs to be my biggest priority.
I've been meditating consistently for about 10 days now using mantra meditation. I simply sit cross legged with my eyes closed and I repeat " rum rum rum " inside my head over and over again. I learned this from reading Russell Simmons meditation book titled success through stillness. Definitley worth a read for anyone curious about meditation. Its been helping a lot wether its placebo or not.
I've been doing a different posture pose I learned in gorilla mindset and holy shit its been great. My shoulders and neck are so much more loose and relaxed. Im definitley walking around with much better posture and it takes no effort. But like with meditation being consistent will be key.
Some bad news is me and my girlfriend(ish) split up yesterday. After all the stuff ive written about breaking up with her you would think I wouldnt care much but its been upsetting. To try and make a long story short. Last tuesday I ended up taking her to planned parenthood and she did have chlamydia. Once she found out she had it she understandably became upset and confused about things. Her text messages were very different and cold. I knew something was up immediatley and I questioned her nicely about it. She started giving me these long messages about how much she cares about me and bla bla bla she needs time. I simply said " Its ok. Goodbye (insert name). You were great. " I've never handled myself so calmy in a situation like that so im pretty proud and atleast could walk away with some self respect. I guess ive just learned from the past and know how pointless it is to try and use logic to change a girls mind.
She didnt end up saying anything after that which surprised me. It also makes me think she will end up becoming lonely and wanting to hangout again. But after reading a ton of Blackdragon blog last night im definitley focusing on just moving on. I've already started hitting up girls on meetme and badoo. Which in reality I should have been doing anyways.
I have a great uncle who is possibly on his death bed in the hospital right now. I guess hes been sick but I didnt really know. I've always enjoyed talking to him on Christmas and other holidays ever since I was a young boy. A bunch of family are going to visit him later tonight and ill be joining them.
Also my parents little french bulldog who I frequently baby sit and take for walks has been dealing with some stomach problem for the last month. Hes just constantly puking and has diareha. My parents are very attached to this dog and have been a nervous wreck.
The last thing is im going to be attempting to take a really long break from kratom ( for the 50th time ). I've known this for awhile but not sure if I have written this but kratom does not help my social and conversation skills. It gives me the DESIRE to socialize but ive accepted it doesnt actually help me socially. I know this is 100% because I just take too damn much of the stuff and always want to feel sedated. I wont write about this anymore but ill finish with this. Meeting and having cute girls in your life as well as just meeting new people is so much better than getting high.
Yesterday I did 20 minutes of meditation and yoga. My supplement stack lately has been 500 mg curcumin, 1 b complex 50, 5000 iu vitamin D, 600 mg NAC and 1000 mg vitamin C in the morning. 400 mg magnesium & 100 mg zinc at night.
This combination seems to be pretty solid and keeping my head in the right place. Thoughts of my ex pass pretty quickly which is great.
Last night I twisted around a towel for about a half hour until my forearms burned. Even after doing this only once my elbow seems a lot better today. I'll start doing this everynight as well as some other things. Physically im feeling better than I have in a month. I keep repeating myself but all these weird injuries totally fucked up my life.
So my training for now will be short yoga sessions, forearm strengthening and stretching. Once im confident my elbow can handle it ill start doing upper body exercises like pushups and stuff.
I've been spending almost all of my time at the bookstore and library the past few days. Im just trying to take some baby steps and get myself feeling more social. To be fully honest my whole vibe has been fucked up for awhile now and it makes me hate myself. One thing ive read on here recently that keeps playing in my mind that Ronin said in the approaching women section. Heres the quote -
"The key is "Vibe" as Chris suggests, and saying "good things" rather then "bad things"... A lot of the work I do with guys is on things like "routines" so guys can say "good things" and move the interaction and focus on vibe rather then worrying about what to say... "
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.