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Havent been drinking coffee lately and I think my mood has been more stable. I think the caffeine cravings have been almost erased from the NAC ive been taking.
Im starting to think NAC might be changing my life. Ever since ive increased the dosage and combined St johns wort my mind just seems to be stable. I still need to give it more time but so far things are going great for my mood, motivation, focus etc.
Slept good last night and had a good workout this morning. Even though im only doing light dumbbell exercises ( 30 lb weights ) the testosterone boost has been noticeable. Ive been jerking off more consistently using only my imagination and this hot magazine cut out of a girl with a nice ass. I think this speaks volumes about how far ive come since my porn / girls ass shaking on youtube days.
Ive been thinking lately about kratom. I know ive said this before but its time for me to give it a long break. It seems like kratom feeds into my introverted self. Now im not blaming kratom for anything and i love the plant but when i take the stuff im way to comfortable playing video games, listening to music and watching movies. Also it seems to take away some of my wits during conversation. I just dont seem to be as quick as i am without it.
If it had not been for NAC and other supplements then the idea of going without kratom would scare the shit out of me.
Feeling very confident about the future.
Just ran across this article talking about Glutamate and addiction. It now makes complete sense why I havent been having cravings towards things ( alcohol, dating webites, texting, etc ).
Did an experiment yesterday and decided to take a day off of using NAC just to see how I would react.
Overall it was a very nice day and semi productive, cleaning my house, walking my parents dog, reading at the library and feeling no anxiety around people. But some old habits thought patterns were definitley noticeable. Thoughts of the past popped up and caused anger. I was checking my phone A LOT hoping a girl called me back.
Tomorrow ill be running out of kratom which im kind of ready for. Until its gone im just going to chill and enjoy myself but plan to run through a brick wall with enthusiasm and productivity towards my life after that. From now on I will not try to do the lifestyle with kratom anymore. In the future ill just order an ounce for the weekend or something and be done with it in two days. Kratom has been extremely useful and a blessing for me but it was definitley a self medication for my ADHD / mild ocd and depression. Saving money and having a consistent reliable sex drive will also be very nice.
My kratom will be running out today and though ill enjoy my last few burns, im pretty excited to have a completely clear mind and be sober for awhile. Also my sex drive is DEAD. Im shocked to hear some guys can take kratom in the quantities that they do and still get horny. Not to sound like a broken record but NAC and other health supplements have made it possible for me to be able to go without kratom.
Something I noticed last night but have been thinking about lately. It seems like since ive quit or mostly cut down on other bad addictions. Bad food, drinking, TV, online dating / texting, weed etc. Im feeling emotions a lot stronger than Im used to. Thankfully most of the emotions are good and im feeling genuine happiness which borders on euphoric. Ive been able to listen to music with a much better connection and just have a stupid grin on my face. Movies have been much more moving ( no pun intended ) lately and I actually shed a tear last night watching a movie. On the flip side ive felt moments of sadness and anger that were pretty intense but I was able to snap out of very quickly. This was very encourgaing and just continues to give me confidence that the choices ive been making lately are the right ones. I believe since Im not trying to suppress my negative emotions ( something I did with alcohol, weed, bad food, excessive internet use ) anymore that I can feel the positive emotions much stronger and is ultimatley making life much more exciting.
Its only recently that when Ive had moments of complete mental clarity and no anxiety / depression that I realize just how fucked up Ive actually been for so long. By no means am I out of the woods yet and theres a lot of work to do but damn im making some progress.
Something else that should be said is I havent seen my parents at all lately which I think is a very good thing. I could talk for a long time about this but ill just say my family is dysfunctional and the relationship I have with my mother is unpredictable and can be chaotic. I usually go over my parents house two or three times a week to watch sports with my dad but im starting to think ill drastically cut back on this.
Sleep has been inconsistent the last two nights so need to figure this out.
Kratoms all gone and im feeling pretty good and theres no cravings.
Lately ive been dressing better on a more consistent basis and its something I want to start making a habit.
My teeth keep looking better everyday and I credit this to consistently oil pulling with coconut oil. So glad I learned about that.
Yesterday I went to the mall for the first time in awhile just to be around people and look at girls pretty much which was pretty nice. A lot of hotties walking around and i got some looks which was good for my self esteem. Felt pretty anxious since Ive been sort of isolating myself lately but it was nothing terrible.
This will probly be my last post on here for a long time. Ever since i made my new goal of quitting texting and online dating ive had tons of time to think about things. Basically ive came to the conclusion that taking a very long break from the internet will have a very positive impact on my life. Lately ive had the urge to get outside my house and be around people more than i can ever remember. I fully credit this to quitting texting and online dating. It seems that when i cut out all device use from my life ( texting, video games, tv, internet etc) that my ADD is almost cured. I know in the future ill reintroduce these things back into my life but with a more discplined mindset. For now though im very happy with how life seems to be going and believe only good things will come from this. Something im starting to notice as well that is probly my biggest motivator is that im starting to feel this natural urge to approach when im out walking around. The difference now compared to the recent past is that it just seems fun rather than something scary. I believe this is also from increased testosterone. Ive been lifting weights again more consistently and my sex drive and overall mood has been very good. Im waking up with erections almost everyday. Lifting weights and having a proper diet filled with healthy fats and vegetables is something im taking much more seriously. It really does seem that with the right diet that eventually ill be able to drastically reduce my supplement use. Chris's recent article about guys being too comfortable in there lives just further confirms that what im doing is right. I plan to print out some things from here and a few others sites in the next couple days but after that ill be pretty much going without the internet for a long time. When i feel ive made some serious progress ( which is inevitable ) ill be back to tell my story and have some lay reports. Ill end this by leaving a message to any new guys out there. Everything chris talks about on here is right. I feel ive digested and memorized a lot of what hes said and i see it happening in my life and out in the world again and again. If you follow his advice you will get to where you want to go its just a matter of time. Happy hunting gentleman.
I've decided I want to come back on here and start logging again and just generally being on the forum more. Someone said the other day that the forum has given them so much and that they need to give back more. Thats exactly how im feeling lately.
Its strange but being gone from here for so long made it feel like I wasnt welcome back. I know this is irrational / delusional but its how I felt. Were all here to help each other and create better lives, bottom line. A few weeks ago I started reading through this whole log and I realize how great it actually is to have things documented and to be able to reflect on later. After reading through my old posts im realizing I have made good progress and life is becoming so much better than it used to.
Before I go on ill be honest and say that my writing / typing skills are highly disorganized and not always clear. I want to apologize for this to anyone who takes the time to read my log. I guess part of this goes back to the original reason i created this log. To improve my social skills. Being able to consistently and clearly communicate my own thoughts is something I need to work on.
Like I said earlier, as of lately my life has been going very good. I've been dating a girl from brazil the last month and a half and shes basically lit a fire under my ass that i greatly needed. Shes very average / cute looking but has potentiol to be hot. Her attitude and affectionate nature has been simply incredible for me and my self esteem which makes up for her other short comings. Shes very good in bed and completely knows her body, always trying to give me head or wanting sex. I have hope I can inspire this girl and be a good example so that maybe she can reach her potentiol, like I said she could be very hot but needs to put in the work. Ill be patient with her.
But... i must be honest with myself and say that i want more. I want better women. I get so much eye contact and it makes me sick sometimes that im letting opportunities pass by. Let me be clear though, something I now realize is that I dont care about getting laid by a ton of different girls. I genuinely enjoy having a girlfriend and being in a relationship. I simply want to become a better man and find a good woman who im extremely attracted to.
I have so many ideas in my head....
ill wrap it up since I need to go out get somethings done today. I had made a post about my goals months ago. I will think of new goals soon and write them out in here. But for now my main goal is to buy a gym membership in the next few days and start a consistent weight lifting regiment. Also I want to buy a lot of good clean and healthy food and stock up my kitchen. But for now the main goal is to start lifting weights 3-4 times per week and just have fun with my girlfriend.
any feedback is always appreciated. Have a good day losers.
So something sort of strange has happened that I havent expected. If you read back on this log a few pages, which means it was months ago. I was talking to this girl I met on the website badoo. We were only texting and exchanging pictures but this girl was one of the cooler girls i've ever talked to in my life. It turned into a big crush and I really wanted to meet her. Thing is, shes definitley has some problems and apparently she had some phobia of talking on the phone..?
Yet she did end up calling me one time. Had a really cute / sweet voice and seemed completely normal. I wanted to start talking on the phone a little bit more so we could eventually meet up. She ended up never calling back or texting me again, I deleted her # quickly as I didnt want to dwell on this girl and her reasons for not liking me... Well about a week ago I get a random text message from this girl explaining how she was sorry and that she was just to scared I wouldnt like her or something. Crazy girls..
So the last few days we have started talking again and im happy about this. She has sent some recent pictures and damn she looks good... Shes one of those half black girls with a touch of hispanic. A solid 7 for me and a great pair of boobs.
It seems the reason she has contacted me is that she actually is ready to meet me and she kept thinking of me. Heres some self awareness... I actually feeling a little guilty about talking to this girl because of my girlfiend.. I know, im a huge pussy. The plan I have with meeting this girl is to actually go on a date. Yet a very ordinary date, just getting coffee or something and then telling her I have a girlfriend and that I dont plan on cheating or anything but im not going to pass up an opportunity of seeing what else is out there. This is all true, I know the majority of you guys on here are cool with lying to girls or just not caring but I guess im just not there yet or ill never be like that. I think most of my strategy this way is because ive had such shitty retention in the past. And who knows maybe in a few months or years, after getting more experience ill completely change and turn into a scumbag.
Anyways, the bottom line is me and this girl may have much more chemistry than my current girlfriend. Plus shes just flat out hotter. When we hangout ill be screening her in my own ways to see if she would be a good girlfriend and how mentally stable she is ( I have concerns ).
This is a perfect example of how life has been improving these last few months. This is now one of my problems, a quality problem.
I have more to talk about but ill wrap it up for the day. Going to go to work and then im getting a one month gym membership from a gym up the street from me later. Need to do some serious leg work....
My heads very cloudy today and just generally havent been able to think clearly the last few days. I want to try and quickly write about some things Ive been dealing with to give everyone an update.
Last thursday I tryed to hangout with the girl whos scared to talk to me on the phone. I really just wanted to meet in public somewhere and hangout and get to know her. She said she wasnt ready so I ignored her for a few days and basically didnt care if we talked again. Just dont have time for flakey girls these days. She texted me sunday night saying " your not talking to me anymore ? "
Texted her back saying "of course i am " and that ive just been busy. She then said she would like to meet me at the mall sometime during the weekend whenever im free. Im thinking this saturday we will meet. Very curious to see how she is in person and I know shes thinking the same of me. I'll get this out there one more time, this girl is definitley fucked up and has issues. She has opened up to me about things she has experienced which is disturbing but also very interesting to me. I really need to spend time with her in person to fully understand whats going on with her. Of course ill update what happened after seeing her.
I've been dealing with what I believe is a stress fracture in my left tibia bone the last 2 -3 months now. But now im thinking both tibias might be fractured. I have a doctors appointment scheduled for x-rays and a possible bone scan in 8 days. The last couple weeks ive made a serious attempt to limit my walking or puting any serious pressure on my legs through exercise etc.... You see, I thought for awhile I was just being paranoid and that nothing was actually wrong with my leg (legs?) but im positive now that somethings definitley going on. When I do a lot of activity like walking / hiking or squats etc my left leg will start feeling weird sensations that lasts for hours and days until I give them a serious rest. It doesnt hurt, but the sensations have been getting worse and it takes them longer to go away.
The main point about my leg is that I havent been doing what I really love to do which is go hiking and walking around Ann Arbor or my town etc. I cant risk causing any serious injury to my leg as that would fuck my life up big time and stall everything Ive been working towards.
A couple days later after getting my legs examined Im also going to be getting checked for any STDS / HIV etc. This was supposed to happen about two months ago but the doctor confused me about my insurance and I decided to reschedule.
Basically... I've never actually been tested before..... Nothing has happened to me, never had any symptoms but its still so irresponsible and immature. Im extremely stressed out that I may have potentially given my girlfriend ( and maybe other girls? My lay count remains at 14 ) something because ive been so careless. The appointment is set for the 16th and then of course how many days it takes to get my results. Its going to be a very long couple weeks...
yesterday was a weird day for me and I ended up texting my girlfriend saying I needed to be alone for a few days to get my head clear. Theres a lot more to this that I simply dont care to write about right now. But she can be so cool sometimes and its a total 360 from the girls im usually involved with.
Last thing. Im going to be getting a new computer soon and internet back in my home. For anyone who hasnt followed this log, I havent owned a computer for well over a year now. 98% of the time Im logging on here im at the library computer which is a big reason why im just not very active on the forum.
So it seems that being on the forum more often wont be possible until I get a new computer. I just dont have the motivation to get to the library and use there computer consistently. Plus they close at 9 pm and arent open on thursdays and sundays. To update anyone who doesnt know, I ended up getting rid of my computer and internet from my home almost 2 years ago. Basically i was spending way too much time sitting on the computer at home by myself and i knew that getting it out of my home would force me to get out of the house and try to meet more girls and people. This plan worked very well, I think the following 2-3 months I ended up meeting and fucking 6 different girls. Some of them multiple times. The experience I got was invaluable. Im still not sure if getting a computer again is a good idea but I think this time around things are very different and it wont be as much a distraction.
My doctors appointment is tomorrow to get my leg checked and tested for stds / hiv. Though im still very nervous and scared about what might come up from the test im also extremely relieved and ready to just get it over with. The last 3 weeks have been very non productive since I cant seem to focus on anything else.
I havent seen my girlfriend since last sunday and we havent talked much. Basically Im on the fence about breaking up with her. Half of its due to boredom... I enjoy having a girlfriend but its hard to ignore that theres so many options out there. I guess the new relationship energy might be wearing off.... The thing thats making me question about being with her the most though is she might be flat out lazy and likes sweets too much. When were at my house she seems way too comfortable laying in bed all day. Im obviously being dramatic and making it sound extreme which isnt the case. She works a lot and goes to school and she goes to planet fitness sometimes so I cut her some slack. We have talked about this a little bit and she pretty much agrees that she needs to lose weight and eat better. When we meet again this week the one thing ill be trying to look for is if shes really motivated to change. Im going to be very clear with her and let her know I dont want to control her life or what she eats. If shes willing and ready to change her eating habits, lifestyle then ill help her do that. Im confident that if she can just start taking some supplements daily then she will feel a lot better and be able to control sugar cravings. If she cant atleast take some supplements ill recommend she takes ( provided by me ) then I think theres no hope for her. The thing that scares me is how excited she gets when she sees pictures of cakes and chocolate on facebook, lol.. Theres just been one too many times i see her scrolling through facebook and suddenly her eyes light up and she makes an " awwwww!! " sound. Then shows me a picture of ice cream or something. Huge red flag to me.
I was only able to workout at the gym one day almost two weeks ago. I tryed to get a month membership but the guy working the front counter was new and he couldnt find the forms i needed to sign or something. He ended up giving me the day for free and said we could figure it out later. Long story short the $55 i was going to use for the gym ended up being spent on other things. When I get paid in 3 days thats the first thing on the agenda, get that membership at the gym.
last thing I want to write about is something thats happening with my mom and sort of my dad. It would be impossible to explain my mothers history and our relationship but to say the least, Its been extremely dysfunctional since I was a child. She has a history of alcoholism and is just generally unstable emotionally. Our relationship has majorly improved the last 2 years which is great but its still far from ideal. But the last week ive gotten her to start taking BCM-95 curcumin. Its still too early but it really seems to be effecting her amazingly. My dad seems to be benefiting from it greatly as well. It just seems that since they have started taking it that there energy and enthusiasm is much better. In my moms case this gives me so much hope and im very curious to see how the next few weeks play out.
Edit. I tryed to cut off contact with the girl from badoo friday night. Theres just been one to many red flags that pop up in our text conversations. I decided it wasnt worth the headache and I want to trust my gut. Well she ended up texting me again last night with a lengthy text message trying to explain things. I texted her back breifly saying I dont really want to stop talking but that she worries me. So ill give her one more chance and see how things go.
.... this is all retarded since we havent even met yet. Im going to push for a meet up soon and limit our texting. ( havent heard back from her today though )
Im pretty sure your right man. We have planned to meet in a public place so its worth a shot atleast. I'm too curious to see what shes like in real life. Unfortunatley I think my guts also telling me my girlfriends destined to be a fat girl which is a damn shame.
The only thing that really matters at the moment is my test results.
I dont want to overreact too much. Shes only been in the states for about 4 months now. Im looking at her facebook pictures from may and she looks much better back then so im thinking its really just stress and being homesick that has caused the weight gain. I do care about her so im not going to walk away until I give it some time.
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.