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I have a date this Friday. A girl and I are going for drinks at a local bar (we met online).
However I have just come out of a pretty bad depression. As a result, my anxiety is pretty high. Fear of rejection is very real. I haven't dated in a long time, and struggle to even make basic small talk. I'd say I'm quite good looking, and I dress reasonably well (hence why she wants to meet). It's just that my social confidence sucks.
I should also add that I actually met this girl on a sex/swingers site (as opposed to something like Tinder). We're just meeting so we can see if there's a connection. So there is a higher expectation of sex at the end of the night. However this is making me even more nervous. If a women from a sex site rejects me - I must truly suck.
I'm sure the small talk will go okay - but could really do with some advice regarding how to escalate physically etc.
You've just come out of depression. You haven't dated in a long time. Your anxiety is high. You don't have much confidence. You're nervous.
Why on Earth are you putting pressure on yourself to perform? Mate, you can't expect yourself to be perfect given everything I listed above. Just go on the date and have fun - no pressure. She already likes you, because she's agreed to a date with you. So just go along and see what happens.
If you feel like touching her, then reach out and put your hand on her. If you're too nervous, then don't worry about it. At the end of the date, say "Wanna come back to mine and hangout?" If you're too nervous to say that, don't worry about it.
Baby steps, man. Take the pressure off yourself. Just go have a nice date with this girl then come back here and tell us about it, and we'll go from there.
First of all, it's important for you to know that the fact you met her off a sex/swingers site doesn't really increase your odds. It doesn't mean you suck, literally any man who uses those websites has gotten rejected many times. Remember: just because she met you on that website doesn't mean she's going to fuck you.
Why don't you just focus on getting her back to your place? That's the first step, anyway.
You're so anxious you're probably gonna fuck it up, so just accept that. And by "fuck it up", I mean "have no killer instinct and be too scared to pull the trigger". That's fine if that happens. The first step to getting better is trial and error.
What I want you to do instead is focus on HER. For this first hangout, just play game with yourself called "how much can I learn about her?"
The game works exactly like that. Just ask her about herself and listen very carefully to what she says. Don't focus on what you're gonna say next, focus on what she is saying right now. If there's an awkward silence, who cares? Awkward silences aren't a big deal and they don't really hurt your chances of getting laid.
You're scared of nothing. Worst case scenario you feel uncomfortable on the date and she doesn't come home with you and doesn't text you back. So what? It's just 1 date. I've had SO many more go-nowhere dates than dates that led to sex.
Stop strategizing and planning. Your only plan should be "ask her questions to learn about her as a person" and then "ask her if she wants to come over and watch a movie at your place". Ask her to come home with you maybe 30 minutes to 1 hour into the date. If you're FREAKING OUT internally while you're getting ready to ask her, then just be honest and say "hey I'm really nervous to ask you this, but do you want to come watch a movie at my place right now?"
You're gonna be okay bud, it's not as big a deal as you think it is. If you can get 1 girl on a date with you, you can get 10.
Thanks for everything you guys. It's time for me to move on to bigger things!
Thank you both for the responses. This really does help to hear this.
It's true that I'm putting far too much pressure on myself to perform well - especially considering the place I've been mentally over the past couple of months. I think "giving myself permission to suck" really is what I need.
My biggest worry is that I end up bombarding her with questions - gathering a ton of information about her, but with little real depth. I guess if I just take my time and really listen to what she is saying (as suggested), it will go a lot smoother.
I think the site I'm on doesn't exactly help. As there are very few women worth meeting on there, when you finally do get a date with one, you immediately enter a "scarcity" mindset - and feel like it needs to go well.
I should have also stated that I can't actually accommodate (she can, however).
Rational-Guy wrote: My biggest worry is that I end up bombarding her with questions - gathering a ton of information about her, but with little real depth. I guess if I just take my time and really listen to what she is saying (as suggested), it will go a lot smoother.
Exactly, you hit the nail on the head. By trying to imagine yourself in her shoes while you're chatting, you'll be paying attention and notice when there's something she wants to talk about.
If you notice she gets more animated after a certain question, pursue that a little further. Talk about what SHE wants to talk about, not what YOU want to talk about.
Tip: people love talking about their friends/family/relationships. Especially women.
One thing I almost always ask (because I have a little brother and finding out how they treat their siblings is important to me) is "do you have any siblings"? That leads itself to lots of follow-up questions like "is your sister a lot like you?" or "what was it like between you and your brother growing up?"
Same with any other relationship. "Do you and your roommate get along?" "are you best friends or just kind of live in the same apartment?"
Thanks for everything you guys. It's time for me to move on to bigger things!
So I had my date Friday - and it went far better than I expected.
Although I was quite nervous - I kept repeating "It's okay to suck" (thanks for the suggestion killtheinnerloser). Within minutes we really clicked and ended up having lots of great conversations - eventually leading on to conversations regarding sex.
At one point of the date I asked her what she considered the perfect kiss. After she answered, I asked if she found me attractive. She said yes. I then went straight in for the kiss. After that the entire night went smoothly, and we ended up going to a few different bars before I went home.
We got on so well that I suggested we get a coffee on Saturday (today), which she agreed to. Got the coffee, and somehow ended up back at hers. After about 20 minutes or so, we were both in her bed (I won't go into the details).
So a very successful date!
I think the takeaway is to not put any pressure on yourself, and remind yourself that it's okay if it goes horribly. This definitely helped me relax.
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