TOPIC: Thoughts on Polyamory/Open Relationships? I need advice...

I started seeing a girl who lives with her boyfriend and is polyamorous. We spent yesterday together and had an interesting conversation last night. I told her I keep finding bits and pieces of my "ideal woman" in people, but never in one person. She said that's a lot of why she's poly.

A couple years ago I slept with a bunch of girls, then decided I wanted something more "serious" and thought monogamy was the answer. When I've done that though girls have cheated on me and the deceit and lies bugged the shit out of me (more than the sex, cause we could have discussed that earlier).

I'm an emotional nurturing kind of guy so I prefer more serious relationships/close friends with benefits than just fuckbuddies.

I know a lot of you guys just do the whole sex with a bunch of people, but what do you think about all this?

I think I'm at that point myself. I have zero interest in being exclusive with anyone, but I don't have the energy nor desire to chase skirts or go on 5+ dates a week either (I actually went on 5 coffee dates in one weekend..that shit was exhausting lol). What I'm starting do now is screening women to see which ones are down to do non-monogamy. It definitely requires a "quality over quantity" mindset. My goal is to have 4 "regulars", women that I go out/sleep with on a consistent basis (i.e. At least once a week). I think the poly lifestyle is definitely worth looking into for a lot of guys, especially the types who want that balance between NSA sex and companionship.

There are some interesting ted talks on this subject. I like the idea too but I dont know how I would feel about it if the relationship started getting serious and I got real feelings for the women.

Having a rotation of friends with benefits is a totally different ball game than having a women you love but being ok with her fucking other dudes. Im conflicted about it.

Yeah I don't want to spend time running around either.

And I'll have to check out those TED talks. That's kind of what I was worried about too I guess - jury's out. Some people can split it between multiple people.

I think the key to minimizing feelings of jealousy is to a) Not live with the women that you're in poly arrangements with b) Have a schedule in place to where she's seeing you no more than twice a week. This is how a lot of eastern cultures do it apparently, at least when it comes to Polygamy (men + multiple wives). Each wife has her own living area that the husband visits according to a set schedule (once every 7-10 days).

It's worth noting that there is a HUGE difference between polyamory and open relationships.

Polyamory is where you have multiple "partners". As in you "love" multiple people at the same time. Personally, that's not possible for me. An open relationship can mean that you have a girlfriend or wife, but you occasionally get some on the side. Polyamory is basically a subset of open relationships.

I'm a huge advocate for open relationships, but personally I think polyamory is a little weird. By all means, go for it if it's your thing, but I think it has just as many problems as monogamy does.

Unfortunately, you do need to have SOME rules. The main rule I have with my girlfriend is this: if you're fucking someone on the side, it has to be JUST that. Fucking, nothing else. No dates, no sleeping over. No texting each other all day. Keep it a purely physical relationship.

What I discovered when I implemented these rules was that my girlfriend didn't even want to fuck other guys. Granted, that will change at some point in the relationship, but word on the street is that in guy-initiated open relationships, the girl just doesn't have as much of a desire to fuck a bunch of different people. I've heard it over and over again, and then I watched it play out in my own relationship. It's weird. It's like just KNOWING that she could fuck someone else is good enough for my girlfriend.

In the mean time, I'm just sort of waiting for her to eventually fuck someone else so I can see how I feel. Until then it's like the best possible arrangement, but I'll have to see how I manage my jealousy when we hit that point in the relationship.

Bad Idea Bear wrote: It's worth noting that there is a HUGE difference between polyamory and open relationships.

Polyamory is where you have multiple "partners". As in you "love" multiple people at the same time. Personally, that's not possible for me. An open relationship can mean that you have a girlfriend or wife, but you occasionally get some on the side. Polyamory is basically a subset of open relationships.

I'm a huge advocate for open relationships, but personally I think polyamory is a little weird. By all means, go for it if it's your thing, but I think it has just as many problems as monogamy does.

You make some very interesting points. Yeah I was kind of gathering that polyamory is more relationship based, and an open relationship is more sex based (in terms of stuff on the "side" or whatever). The girl I just started seeing, we have a good emotional connection, really get along, and the sex is amazing (I'm making up for basically a three year dry spell).

I didn't realize the girl would often not want to have sex on the side. I figured with the whole "girls are as horny as guys" that it would be more even. But, learn something every day I guess.

I wrote a big paragraph but then I just realized it's pretty much the exact same thing BIB wrote. I agree with everything he said.

I'll be happy to talk more about these ideas after i get some sleep! A few ideas I'll throw out are:

1. The women who are ok with non monogamy are pretty rare in my experience, but they do exist. An open but serious relationship is tough to find. I've lost plenty of women, even when initiated from the start, for wanting an open relationship. For one, the more a girl is attracted to you, the more she wants you to herself...and you want a girl to be super attracted to you.

2. The best feeling 6 months in my life was while dating a girl who was fine with me fucking other women. She asked to hear about my hookups, would tell me to find a girl to fuck when she couldn't come out with me for the night. It felt so manly to be 100% free, not have to censor my nature and attraction to women, knowing that I could chase a hot girl even though I had a girlfriend. It only ended because I moved to a different state (and I still hit her up when I'm in town).

I also gave her the greenlight to get some on the side. Mostly she just had 1 regular guy she would call up if I wasn't available. Usually, her trying a new guy was a disappointment and just made me look even better.

I think it's an important experience to go through. It reveals your own insecurity and jealousy. Even if she had permission, I still considered her "mine" and I'm going to watch out for her wellbeing. It's also a gratifying experience to conquer such insecurities like "will she want to leave me after she starts fucking another guy"? Imagine: it's rewarding when you set a girl free and she doesn't leave. She fucks another guy, and she still wants to be with me (and in this case preferred me). The other guy was a "backup" and that was a powerful affirmation in my mind.

Finally, having multiple women, a harem, a lion with a pride, just feels so fucking awesome. It's hard to pull off just from time constraints with the rest of life, but feels indescribable when the stars align.

Win Big wrote: I'll be happy to talk more about these ideas after i get some sleep! A few ideas I'll throw out are:

1. The women who are ok with non monogamy are pretty rare in my experience, but they do exist. An open but serious relationship is tough to find. I've lost plenty of women, even when initiated from the start, for wanting an open relationship. For one, the more a girl is attracted to you, the more she wants you to herself...and you want a girl to be super attracted to you.

2. The best feeling 6 months in my life was while dating a girl who was fine with me fucking other women. She asked to hear about my hookups, would tell me to find a girl to fuck when she couldn't come out with me for the night. It felt so manly to be 100% free, not have to censor my nature and attraction to women, knowing that I could chase a hot girl even though I had a girlfriend. It only ended because I moved to a different state (and I still hit her up when I'm in town).

I also gave her the greenlight to get some on the side. Mostly she just had 1 regular guy she would call up if I wasn't available. Usually, her trying a new guy was a disappointment and just made me look even better.

I think it's an important experience to go through. It reveals your own insecurity and jealousy. Even if she had permission, I still considered her "mine" and I'm going to watch out for her wellbeing. It's also a gratifying experience to conquer such insecurities like "will she want to leave me after she starts fucking another guy"? Imagine: it's rewarding when you set a girl free and she doesn't leave. She fucks another guy, and she still wants to be with me (and in this case preferred me). The other guy was a "backup" and that was a powerful affirmation in my mind.

Finally, having multiple women, a harem, a lion with a pride, just feels so fucking awesome. It's hard to pull off just from time constraints with the rest of life, but feels indescribable when the stars align.

This was some great info man! I've love more of your thoughts on this

Yeah dating again, especially this girl, is bringing up sooooo many insecurities to the surface about trust and lies and people being sneaky. It's painful but interesting!

tjfromnyc wrote: I think I'm at that point myself. I have zero interest in being exclusive with anyone, but I don't have the energy nor desire to chase skirts or go on 5+ dates a week either (I actually went on 5 coffee dates in one weekend..that shit was exhausting lol). What I'm starting do now is screening women to see which ones are down to do non-monogamy. It definitely requires a "quality over quantity" mindset. My goal is to have 4 "regulars", women that I go out/sleep with on a consistent basis (i.e. At least once a week). I think the poly lifestyle is definitely worth looking into for a lot of guys, especially the types who want that balance between NSA sex and companionship.

This is exactly what I have, I'm seeing 4 girls currently who stay over each time. It's more than just fucking, we watch Netflix series or go out for the day in the weekend etc.

They know I'm seeing other girls, actually 2 of them have seen me with other girls. I know they are seeing other guys but I don't know much, I'm not really bothered.

Just be totally upfront, down to earth and honest on the first date, the ones that want what you're offering will stay around, just like they always will.

I was in an open relationship for a year, for me that meant I loved her but I still fucked other girls. It ended because she didn't like knowing I was fucking other girls, which is common. They don't see any future in an open relationship.

Bear in mind you can do whatever you want, the terms everyone is using are just models to describe something.

Do what you want, there will be a girl out there (or 10) that want the same thing so just be honest and you'll screen them in.