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Klbsa wrote: Quite honestly it sounds like the chemistry with those women just wasn't there....It happens, I have met and fucked super hot women that didnt do it for me like the "cute" girls I fuck.... In fact it really makes me ponder WTF it is that makes attraction so different from woman to woman.
Sex is in the mind. This is a very true thing whether you want to believe it or not.
Some extreme examples:
-people who can get themselves off by thinking about it (no stimulation). There are men and women who can do this.
-victim orgasm during rape. This is known to happen to both men and women. Yup, that's what I'm sayin': you could come while being raped by Big Bubba in prison. Doesn't mean you liked it, doesn't mean it was pleasurable and it doesn't mean you're gay. It just means that the body can respond to the physical stimuli without consent from the brain, horrific though it is for rape victims.
Most normal examples resemble what Klbsa just mentioned; chick who doesn't meet your 'perfect' criteria or is downright physically flawed in some way still really turns you on by hitting your mental buttons the right way, with the result that sex with her is way better than with the super-perfect looking hottie who doesn't stimulate your mind as much as you feel she should.
For me, I tend to have a thing for older women. Could be something to do with one of my first sexual experiences being essentially a statutory rape by one of my Mom's friends (I liked it, btw). Or maybe it's something else. But a well-put together cougar can get me fired up in a way that no picture-perfect 19 year-old can (not that I don't like them too). I don't argue with my urges any more, I just enjoy where they take me.
A lot of guys on here could likely benefit from thinking more about pleasing themselves with women they actually find most attractive and fun to fuck vs. what society tells them they should like and what impresses other people (notch count stuff, '9s and 10s', etc.)
Many of you have posted some good things. However I think that "getting uncomfortable" will not ultimately solve my "lack of sexual pleasure" issues.
Getting uncomfortable is great for beating social anxiety. I can attest to this. My social anxiety is the lowest that it has ever been. I have been joining my friends at bars more than ever, socializing, and having a good time. People describe me as a "riot" when I'm drinking. Of course, the alcohol helps to smooth things along.
Looking back at how I was when I first visited bars when I was 21, I'm an entirely different person. I was so socially anxious, cautious, and scared, I always ended up being upset at the end of the night rather than having a good time and not caring about what happened.
People tend to gravitate towards me more nonchalant personality now, of course, that side of me comes out when I'm drinking. When I am sober, I am definitely more reserved, shy, and quiet. But from my experience and meeting people, most people are. I have come across many other introverted men at the bars who also remind me of myself. They, too, aren't ugly - but they are just shy. There are plenty of people like me and other introverts and loners.
However, I would bet that most of them would WANT to be in some sort of serious, continual relationship with a woman. I just don't. I like my "me time" so much that I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I really don't seem to get lonely like some people do.
I would say my biggest hurdle is experiencing intense pleasure (or even mediocre pleasure, lol) when engaging in sexual activities.
Obtaining SEX is like the peak of social interaction. Most everything that we do, socially, has something to do with sex. Meeting women, establishing platonic relationships, trying to push it to the next level....sex is always the peak of that. I now know that I can achieve this peak with moderate effort. I somewhat enjoy performing cunnilingus for the ladies, but all in all, when she's sucking me off or we're attempting to fuck, it's like I don't feel anything at all. I wish I could. I wish I could feel how "good" it is supposed to feel. But I just don't. So yes, I do go out to bars to socialize and have a good time. But my objective isn't bringing a woman home with me, because ultimately, it will be a waste for me.
I can relate to the pleasure side of things. Reading this, ive realised it might be due to the same reason as yourself. I masturbate a lot (well I did up until a month or two ago), and I probably use 'death grip' too. I only started having sex at the end of March. Since then Ive had 3 lays, and ive got no pleasure from any of them. I didnt really think that this would be the case. I just assumed that I was rubbish in bed, my dick was too small or that it was because of wearing condoms.
Im going to stop masturbating. Im not sure if it can be corrected, or how long it will take, but its worth a shot I suppose. At the moment, the only reason I bother with fucking women is for my ego and validation. Id get waaay more pleasure from masturbating than sex. Hopefully this can change.
"Getting uncomfortable" has made me more comfortable in social situations, most definitely. So does the alcohol.
I don't mind going out and meeting people. There have been a couple of women in relationships who tell me "I could be their boyfriend." It is kind of disheartening when you realize that most all women are looking for "strange" or are always looking to upgrade from their current men.
I realize that all women NEED a man in order to feel safe and secure, but it can be ANY man at that moment. I guess this is just a fact of life that we all just need to get accustomed to.
It is also sad how many women in their early 20s are already talking about kids. I have no problem openly talking about my desire to one day get a vasectomy. I don't think I'll have any worries about getting a girl pregnant, due to my sexual sensitivity issues - but it's about the only want a man could get trapped without getting married. And I don't want to get married.
I tell women, "if that's what you're looking for, I am not the man."
Also, there are so many other people out there in the world - why would I want to settle down with just one woman in particular? I'm not in this gig for the sex or relationships.
Anyway.....probably every weekend I will have a new social experience to build my character upon and become more confident in the process. It is an interesting process. Like I said already, I am a totally different man than I was years ago! I am 26 now and can't believe the progress I have made.....and most of it has come RECENTLY, just in the past 4 or so months. Amazing, really.
i honestly dont bame my problem on chronic masturbation or using a death grip lol..ive never been a a guy who sits and watches porn and masturbates all day..i might masturbate 3-4 times a week..when younger it was more often but nothign drastic.
im not sure i built sex up to be some amazing event but it is supposed to be the pinnacle of the human experience..its what keeps us as a human species motivated..again i had sex a week ago after meeting a local girl and it was very underwhelming..i was like wtf, she got off like crazy but i was almost bored..it could be true that none of these girls im connecting with but some of these women ive had some pretty good connections to and still not much enjoyment on the sex end..i remember thinking "damn, i go through the phone-calls, playing games, doing all that only to have the sex fall completely flat every time..ive been reading asexual forums and turns out there are many different types of asexual personalities..i fit a few of them or mine might be a hormonal problem..at this point, i have no idea and talking to doctors about this isnt helping and is quite awkward..lol..
Tongue, I totally get what you are saying. The women really enjoy themselves, but you and I are "bored" and we aren't experiencing what everyone else seems to describe as heavenly. It isn't worth all of the trouble and hassle.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having female friends. But I really don't care to date them. When you aren't a sexual being, women lose interest, or take it personally as if they are flawed and we are not attracted to them. It is an extremely position to be in since we are straight males.
Asexuality may be the answer. You can still be straight and attracted to women, yet be asexual at the same time. For some reason, getting off on the real thing apparently wasn't wired into our brains for one reason or another. It is the most logical "explanation" that I can think of, as it currently stands.
And as I already mentioned, I am definitely an introvert and also somewhat of a loner too. You combine the disinterest in sex, dating, constant social contact, this and that, and well, you get someone that isn't very interesting or exciting. You just get me
Hey, I can identify with a lot of the stuff you're saying Das (to a lesser extent on the drive and pleasure but still on the same wavelength).
I wanted to add something helpful to this thread but GLL and KLBSA said both of the things that I was going to say, so I'll go ahead and second them both of those things make a HUGE difference.
Something that has helped me is: learning to be happy being me and learning to be more selfish, focus on what makes you happy, if that's being friends with women fine, if that's having a 1 night stand then returning to an introverted lifestyle for a while before repeating the cycle, that's fine too. Figure out what makes you happy and what makes you better and forget what other people/society thinks.
Figuring yourself out is a lifelong process man, good luck on it.
That's what I'm doing. I originally felt a bit overwhelmed. But if that's not what I want, then that isn't what I am going to do. If I don't care to be sexual with a girl again, I won't. It does make me feel somewhat "bad" though, because I understand their feelings. It's just hard to keep a friendship alive when a girl is asking me for sexual favors but I don't want to give them to her. There won't be any friendship when that happens.
Women generally don't seem to allow themselves to be friend zoned. But I have been stuck in the friend zone before. It's awfully comical how I am doing the same thing, when I used to complain about it so much in the past. Once again, that makes me feel somewhat bad about myself.....but only briefly
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