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I work(ed) at a real estate development firm in Chicago. My boss is out all week and I was gonna be doing boring shit in Excel all day, so I drank two Black Box wines (13% alcohol wine. the malt liquor of wine, I guess. Saw this shit for the first time at a CVS) while walking from the train station to the office.
Came in, got situated, fucked around on the internet for a while and started doing some work. I got bored and went downstairs for a smoke. The building I work at has a Holiday Inn and an art institute in it too, so there's always a lot of people outside the front coming and going.
I smoked a cigarette, talked with some strangers, and decided I was too sober for such a lovely day. I walked to the 7-11 a block away and bought two more of those shits and consumed them with my face.
After this point, the day had a lot of blurry and outright blacked-out regions. Oh yeah, I had also taken 4mg of Klonipin the night before and it was still definitely affecting me.
I spent some more time chain smoking and talking to people out front. Next thing I know, I'm back in my office sitting in my desk. I had fallen asleep and I wake up to two HR chicks staring at me all concerned-like.
They ask me what the deal is and I'm like, I'm just tired as fuck from classes and work and other shit, so I passed out. No biggie. Go back to sending obnoxiously polite rejection emails.
They asked me if I was drinking or anything and I said no, I'm just tired. I'm gonna get back to work now. They insisted I go home and rest and called me a car. I'm like fine, whatever.
Some chick picks me up in a black SUV and we start driving. She turns out to be pretty cute, in her early 30s, and pretty cool to talk to. She periodically would puff on one of those gay little E-cigs. I had a try and it was pretty good actually. But still gay as fuck though.
I had to piss, but she said she wasn't supposed to stop. I told her that's a fucking stupid rule and I would piss out of her window, so we stopped at an IHOP.
Don't remember how, but I convinced the driver chick to come eat pancakes with me. We did that and kept driving. I had her drop me off at a bar by my house. I'm pretty sure I gave her my number. Not sure though.
So I go in this bar and order a Guiness. We're in the suburbs now, so it's pretty fucking slow. There are two dudes at a table having a drink and I'm feeling sociable, so I come sit down with them.
Don't remember what we talked about at all, but the first dude leaves and for some reason, the second dude drives us to this bar/grill called Twin Peaks that's like Hooters.
Suddenly, this dude who's fat and like 45 starts talking about gay shit. He's like, would you be open to me sucking you off? I'm like I'm good bro. He says some more shit and before I know it, dude unzips my jeans and has his hand on my shaft. I was pretty smashed already and this happened pretty quickly. And I was counting on him to get me back to my car which was at the train station. So I kind of just went with it.
We get there and he still wants to blow me. I tell him I'm going in to stare at butts and drink liquor and he comes in with me. I was gonna go to the bar, but he insists on sitting at a table.
Oh yeah, I drove by this Twin Peaks joint for years before ever going in. Its slogan is "Eats, Drinks, and Scenic Views."
I was always like, what fucking views? That bitch is facing a highway and a shopping plaza. Scenic views as in girlie parts, get it? lewllewllewl
We have a drink each and he's trying to get us out of there. At this point, I've decided that I'm not doing this shit. Mind you, I considered it. I'm totally straight, but dude was convincing and said he gives awesome head. But I'm like, nah fuck that shit.
He's saying he has to go feed his dog. I don't really give a shit about his dog. So he eventually leaves. I have a few more drinks and talk to some random people. Then, I realize my car is like 4 miles away, I'm smashed, it's 10:30pm, and I don't know anyone here. And some old white guy just tried to blow me, which is fucking weird to me.
So I go have a smoke in the parking lot and walk up to some random dude walking to his truck. I don't remember what I said, but he agreed to drive me to the train station my car was at.
We get there, I thank him, and I get in my car. Now, I should have gone home at this point. I had to be up at 6am to get to class. But I drove back to fucking Fridays and went in.
Oh, and the first time I was there, I left without paying. I didn't pay at Twin Peaks either. So I go back in and have some drinks and bullshit with the patrons and with the bar staff (1 dude and a girl).
Then, this cute brunette chick in a black hoodie and a great ass with her hair in a bun walks in and orders some food at the bar. I sit next to her and talk to her for a bit. She's pretty cool. I'm very drunk. Everyone in that bitch is having a good time.
It's like midnight now. I try to convince the girl to spontaneously go see a movie with me. She says she has some shit in the morning. I tell her that her shit is gay and to ditch it. At one point, she's like, "I really feel like just not going to school tomorrow blalabla." I couldn't think of anything to say to tip her over the edge and fuck off with me, so I left. She said to come back on Wednesday. Apparently, she's a regular. But I'm thinking fuck that shit.
Oh, and she went to the bathroom at one point and the lady bartender is like trying to give me tips on getting with her. Guys, never take tips on women from women. She then asked if I was planning on paying this time. I tipped that ho two dollars hard cash.
So anyway, I fucking went home and fell asleep trying to jerk off.
So today, I get a call from work and tl;dr: They tell me some people saw me drinking alcohol outside of the building (I know, how fucking stupid can you be? Well, I've done much dumber shit, but anyway) and I'm fired.
Shit sucks, but whatever. I'm a white male with all the right shit going for me. I'll be fine. Manifest destiny, motherfuckers.
So today, I'm sitting in class and I get a call from a restricted number. I walk outside and take it and guess who it is. It's fucking Blowjob Billy from down the way. I tell him I'm in class and I can't talk. He says when can I call you. I say I don't fucking know, I can't talk.
Oh, and when I was at the bar with him, he kept saying how glad he was he met me and shit. Was kind of odd.
Later, I get this text:
12:17pm: "This Dre from the college"
Me (5:02pm): What's up
Dre (5:20pm): What up I'm with my girl you ok bro lol you were gone but I gave that girl your number tho seem like she liked u haha
Dre (8:36pm): Was gud tho I'm headed backthat way
Me (8:38pm Wait who is this
Dre (8:40pm): This Dre the Latin guy from the college bro
Me (8:41pm): What's up dude
*I still have no idea who the fuck this is at this point
Dre (8:42pm): Wat up bro lemme kno if u need any green n how that girl turn out Mallary
Dre (8:50pm): That's her name but lemme kno i got that. Green
Then, like 90 minutes ago, I got a text from this chick who I apparently met and we're texting now.
I texted this Dre dude and asked if she's cute and he replied in the affirmative, so I'm gonna set something up.
I now come to the tragic realization that this thread has been rather anticlimactic and probably disappointing.
I'm just fucking confused they cared so much I was drunk at work. I'm of age and it's owned by a fucking Wall St. prop trading firm. They're all a bunch of fucking degenerates.
So now this girl who I apparently met texted me:
9:50pm: (Her) Hey, it's Mallary from yesterday. You might not remember me, lol... but Dre gave me your number
9:56pm: (Me) Yeah that dude dre texted me trying to sell me pot haha. Remind me where we met
10:00pm: (Her) He tried selling to me too! You guys came & sat by me at that table for a while. We went outside to smoke before the hotel manager took you away..haha
10:11pm: (Me) Pretty classy of me
10:24pm: (Her) Haha, you handled yourself pretty well actually once he came. What ended up happening?
10:31pm: (Me) passed out at my desk for a few hours and hr called me a car and told me to go home and sleep. Got dropped off at Fridays
10:38pm (Her): Oh wow, well you had a very interesting day
10:46pm (Me): Nah movie sucked. So what's your deal
11:04pm (Her): My deal? I'm a junior at the <art school>. Majoringin fashion whateverthefuck. I'll be 21 next month...what about you?
11:42pm (Me): I'm a retired pirate living on the outskirts of society, You wanna pull off a heist with me and move to prague?
11:55pm (Her): Very intriguing, sounds like a plan Wink
12:11am (Me): You live in the city? We'll meet up and craft the masterplan
12:24am (Her): No, I live in XXX. Small town about an hour & a half away. I take the Metra to Chicago for school. You're right though, we should meet up
12:42am (Me): Youre like 35 min from me, I take the train too or drive
12:44am (Her): Where do you live?
12:53am (Me): NW burbs. My lease just expired so I'm looking for a new apartment. There any good hookah bars by you?
12:57am (Her): Not in my town but I'm sure nearby. I've never actually been to one before. Why, is that how you'll decide where to live? Haha
1:07am (Me): I know where I'm gonna live. Here's a homework assignment for you. Find a chill place to go plan world domination near you and we'll make it happen
1:23am (Her): I'll definitely look into it & let you know what I find. You look too though. I don't mind traveling.
So yeah.... I know this is weird as fuck, but what would you guys do in my retarded shoes?
Cool, you sound like a fucking idiot. You're judging people who smoke ecigs, calling them gay, yet in this novel of a post you write how another guy was touching your cock and trying to blow you and you didn't do anything about it. I only read a couple sentences so there's probably all sorts of pro-homosexual shit going on. I don't even care if you're gay but the fact that you judge people so critically, down to the technology they use for inhalation, makes you a piece of shit. The only advice I can give you: Kill yourself.
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