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I'm newly single after an 8yr relationship. I moved out of town for work about 6 years ago and she came with me. We did not have a social circle in the new town and I was trying hustle and make some money. We moved back to our hometown due to her mother battling cancer. Her mother recently passed away and about a month later she says she's leaving me to "find herself". We had other issues and I did not want to get married until I found more financial success/stability. I was a bit more put together than her, but I liked the stability, so I stuck it out and stayed loyal. I made some mistakes, but never cheated, slept around or fooled around with anyone.
So here is my current status:
30yo, 31 in October
Financially stable/ok, no debt
Central Valley, CA
I work from home
Own a pickup
Renting a house (we shared, but now I'm stuck with it)
I workout and eat right (5'9", 175lbs, 12%-15%bf, working towards a lower bf%)
Ok looks, understand style, still look pretty young and working on hair and skin care
Social circle sucks (couple married guys, couple fat guys and a few acquaintances from high school and college)
Minor depression (been going on for 12-15 years)
Pretty insecure and shy. I get stuck in my head a lot and do not have a lot of energy.
Always had issues with PE (busting too quick)
Was always into self improvement throughout the relationship
Watched a lot pua stuff when I was younger, but never had a period to implement it in my 20's. Her and I were together through college also (missed that train)
During a rough period in the relationship, I found out about GLL (2015 ish). Was really impressed with Chris's work and insight. It was far better than the other pua content I was exposed to at the time (the game, simple pickup, random youtube channals, some forums). I began working on trying to talk to people while at stores or whatever as a passive attempt to get out of my shell. Minor AA stuff, never got too deep. Never really tried talking to women I found attractive (1) I was still intimidated (2) was trying to keep my nose clean (3) nervous that if I did talk to them, I'd be too impulsive.
After watching a lot of Chris's content, I was able to reflect back on every time I got laid and realized it usually worked out once I put my mind to it, decided this is what I want and was assertive in making my intentions known. So I do have that mental barrier dealt with.
I do not have much experience with dating apps. I used OkCupid for a bit before getting into the relationship, but not for an extended period. I also don't recall dating apps being super mainstream circa 2011-2012, but that might just be me.
Anyone with a similar story that can lend some advise or anyone with some guidance? I'm focusing on myself right now, trying to figure life out and solve for what I really want out of it, but definitely want to put down some notches before I get too old.
EDIT: Added a few more points and clarified some topics. I'm open to any discussion points, criticism or advice on where/how I should focus my efforts. Really looking forward to growing into the community.
Based on all you said, it sounds like you need to put pen to paper and try and work out what it is you want. What you would choose as your number 1 priority. And then make a plan. Then put it into action!
You are 30. That isn't old at all. Never too late to start claiming those notches though!
Thanks, Boss! Trying to stay motivated and out of a rut. You are 100% correct in that I need to layout a decisive plan of where and who I want to be. I realized that I was also complacent and coasting for a lot of that time.
Holyshit dude... I paused my reply to go read your story and now I'm back. I'll be rereading it later tonight, but there were some seriously helpful and inspirational points. Fantastic work on the writeup and continued improvement through the years. I am definitely in the red pill phase and have been for a couple years. I thought that was the end state, but I need to learn more. There were a few acronyms and terms that I did not know off hand, so I'll be following up on those later.
Feel free to make your own thread where you can lay out your thoughts and try and find your direction. We will do our best to aid you. Just remember you are the one who needs to pay your dues and make shit happen. It will be a massive challenge to escape from that rut, and even more to stay out of it. But as long as you do not quit, you will succeed. That is the number one rule.
Feel free to get in touch if you want to compare notes sometime!
I have some seriously close similarities. I was married around age 24-30. Mother in law had ovarian cancer and died in her 40s. How can you tell your wife "sorry we can't help your mom"? That contributed to my future bankruptcy as we were sending her mother thousand$$$ to help with futile medical treatments. I'm sure that took a terrible toll on my ex, but we both had other problems.
Our sex life was pathetic. Typically once a month, and boring or annoying. Even worse, she was damn sexy so it was like a constant tease.
After divorce I made a point to learn about women, psychology, relationship and dating dynamics. 12 years now, I've enjoyed divorced life so much more. Grown and gained much better experience. It was such a turning point that sometimes I think in terms of before vs after divorce. I'm a different person now.
What I'll tell you is, at 30 y/o you're hitting your peak. Don't be concerned that you've missed out, or are behind schedule. You're at the perfect time to turn things around. In a year you could be doing the kind of things you only used to jerk to on the internet
Thank you for the encouragement and sharing a bit of your story. I'm sure it was the same for you, but watching someone die and knowing how it is affecting your significant other was fucking hard on it's own. Then after finally cooling off for a bit, I get boned by her leaving me. I know it's far worse for her with her loss, but just a real downer situation on all fronts.
I have a lot I want to prove to myself regarding my sex life. I've been with 10 women. 7 were one timers and in my social circle when I was younger. However, I've always had a problem with PE. It really ruins sex for me as I become anxiety ridden and can't even enjoy it much. Every once in a while I would be able to last for a good amount of time (usually booze is involved), but mostly it was 1-2min and done. In my relationship, we had the same issue of only fucking once a month. We had a good sex life at first, but it died out after 2 years, me avoiding performance anxiety and her putting on weight. So I have a lot of pent up urges that need to get out and the desire to conquer my PE.
She pushed really hard on wanting to get married, but the idea of marriage bothers the fuck out of me due to (a) my parents got divorced, (b) statistics and (c) every married person and divorced person I've talked to said to never get married
It wasn't until I was about 26-27 that I really started to feel comfortable in my skin. I was always a skinny and awkward dude growing up, but after really digging into the gym for some years, I felt a bit more grounded and confident in myself. I eventually met with an endocrinologist to get my levels checked. I had "meh" levels, but he helped me maximize it to a higher natural range level by putting me on a quarter tablet of Clomid everyday. My physique started to greatly improve and I finally felt attractive and confident. I can definitely say that I am peaked at this time in my life. As long as my hair stays where its at. The CA lock down has also been a real bummer on gym progress.
Question for anyone... I've started to re-listen through all of Chris's AA recordings and the AA index. Is this program still recommended and relevant? Or should I just take his advice from his last (circa 2017) videos about AA and just nut up and be a man?
I'm finally going to take a leap that I've thought about taking for many years now. I am no where near ready to start dating or starting the AA program. Before I can start that part of my life, I need to solve some other things first. I've reached out to a family friend that is a psychiatrist to discuss my depression. It feels good as I've wanted to do this for some time, but had too much ego and was too embarrassed. I found out this morning that my girlfriend actually left me for someone else. I've been in a deep emotional pit all day, but realized that this is the moment I need to seek help. I have a lot of things that I need to work on. Eventually I will dive into some dating apps and maybe try the AA program. Just depends on how I grow as a person from here. Thank you all.
You said you’re in pretty decent shape. One thing I can say for sure is that going from a “decent” body, to a “shredded” physique, will make a giant difference in how easy the online dating game is.
After my ex cheated on me (with her ex) I doubled down on the gym and the results were crazy. Use this bad experience as a catalyst to fuel your self improvement efforts. Then once you’re ready, start trying to get laid.
Thank you for the encouragement, Proto. Sorry to hear that you were cheated on. Just like what you expressed, I've realized that these are the things in life that break us away from the mundane/safe path and leads us to where we need to be going. Is a painful path, but that is where there is opportunity and growth.
I've been talking to a close buddy about his experiences with online dating. Seems pretty daunting, but I'm open to the challenge in due time. Once I get out of this rut, or maybe even sooner, I'll be back at working on my body. It is something that I can control, set goals for and achieve.
(also, I'm inadvertently kind of using this thread topic now as a running journal. Mods, if you want this moved somewhere else, just let me know)
The past few days (since my last post) have been extremely fucked and dark, but also productive and insightful. I'm going to skip over the "fucked and dark" stuff as everyone knows what that is like and there's no point in a pity party.
Actions and events:
- I realized that I must seek professional help. I should have a long time ago, but I know that if I do not take action now, my life might spiral out of control. Realizing this and acting on hit has been very empowering and a huge relief.
- I got over my issues of talking about my depression and anxiety with close friends, family and professionals.
- I reached out to my family friend, Chris, that is a psychiatrist and he is setting me up with a therapist that is a close colleague of his.
- He also has been very supportive and is helping me through these steps.
- I've made an appointment with a local psychiatrist to help compliment the therapy. Chris is in support of this.
- By chance, my uncle was in town two days ago and met up and I was totally comfortable telling him everything.
- A close friend from northern California drove down to stay with me for a few days.
- I spoke with my ex's father, there was not underlying agenda on my end, just looking for life advice from another man.
- He put me in contact with a support counselor and we meet for coffee. That discussion was very helpful as well and we will be meeting again next week.
Due to my depression, I lost a lot of motivation in life and no longer had any goals. I use to be a "go-getter" if I had a goal or vision, but I lost all of that many years ago. Now that I am finally opening up and taking steps to work on myself and my issues, I am super motivated to pursue these challenges. I have a goal again that I know I can work towards. The same way I found fulfillment in achieving small goals in the gym that lead to larger goals, I feeling that here. Feels good, man. Even though I feel like total fucking shit, this is something I feel really good about pursuing. I am also very thankful for the people that have been supportive. I am going to take any opportunity that is in front of me, try to rebuild a good social circle and attempt to be decisive instead of just floating through life.
Good on you for admitting you need to get some professional help. A lot of people would rather pretend everything is fine and bury their head in the sand, so i commend you for being able to look at your situation objectively.
Online dating can seem daunting, but you're in the right place. Both Andy (andy also has his own site) and BIB have some great threads on how to be successful in online dating.
Taking some time to get out of the rut is probably a good idea. Just don't fall into the trap of letting a bunch of time go by while you sit idle, telling yourself that you're "healing". I lost about a year of my life that way. Take a few weeks to sort your feelings out, write down a few goals you want to achieve, and then attack those goals.
- My buddy from up north who stayed and watched over me for about a week is now moving in. This is a huge relief for many reasons. 1) I'm going stir crazy working from home and being stuck in this house by myself 2) His current roommates suck and gets him out of a bad situation 3) rent is going to be easier 4) We've talked about some business ideas in the past and this will help enable us to work towards those goals 5) We're both neat freaks, so the place will stay looking nice. I'm driving up there this Saturday to help get him packed up and down here.
- I've been on 50mg of Sertraline for about two weeks now. I can definitely tell that my anxiety is not as sever. It still comes on and I feel like shit, but I'm able to just shrug it off or deal with it better. It's been a relief in that aspect as I was going to some pretty bad places. It's making me tired as hell during the day and causing some insomnia at night. Should still take another week or so before it is in full effect and the side-effects subside. We'll see how it goes.
- I had about 5-6 friends over for a bbq last weekend. I was not sure how I'd handle it, but it went really well and was nice to just hangout with people, eat some good food and have some drinks. Felt good to reconnect with people especially after being isolated with my gf up north for 5 years and being a hermit since I moved down. Really looking forward to my buddy moving down and making this a regular thing.
- I started therapy and have had two sessions so far. Nothing too exciting to share so far. Seems like it's going to be pretty expensive as she has been holding off on giving me an actual rate.
- Ex text me two days ago thanking me for being there for her, her mom and her dad during the death. She's already in a relationship with the other guy, so fuck her. I wanted to come back with a laundry list of things to tear into her, but just didn't respond until today. I just said that it was the right thing for me to do at the time and left it at that.
- Was at a friend's house and there was a mutual friend there that was a waitress at a bar that we frequented when we were younger. She's not my type and I really had no interest, but I just handed her my phone with a new contact entry open. She input her info and text herself to get my number. We text back and forth a few times and I asked if she wanted to come over later in the night. She was getting up early for a trip, but asked for a rain check. A few seconds after that she followed me on instagram. I was just looking for a little confidence practice and potentially an easy squeeze. meh.
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.