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Alright so this is going to be a wall of text but I really feel like pouring it all out. I've been a lurker but I never really took action and I feel like writing all this. I'll leave some details out cause some guys I know might lurk this forum as I shown it to them and I don't want to be identified, I feel quite vulnerable writing all this, it's the first time I'm revealing some of these things to anyone, but you'll definitely get the picture.
So a 23 year old guy from Europe here. Yep, a virgin. Why? That is a good question.
I'm not saying this is a hard rule but I observed that in general 20-something virgins are ones for a reason - social anxiety, depression, obesity/extremely bad looks or not having their life in order in a different way. Me, I'm no of these things. In highschool I very fast became one of the cool guys of my year and eventually the school. By the senior year I was that guy who everyone with a party life knew. So how the fuck can you not get laid being the cool guy in highschool? I honestly don't know how to answer this. It just didn't happen. I was a late bloomer - I think I hit puberty as the very last among everyone. So my best guess is I hit it mentally even later - for all my highschool I honestly didn't think about girls at all. All I cared about was playing video games and/or getting wasted once I discovered the sweet taste of alcohol - I did go out a lot, now looking at it a lot of girls would give me the signs, but as I said my sorry ass just didn't care. It finally hit me somewhere in my senior year but it was too late at this point - the girls were taken and I was estabilished as a friend to all of them, it would be weird to make a move. But hey, no worries, I go to university, there's drinking and fucking all the time there, right? Nope.
I went for a very technical uni, I was always a natural with this stuff and there's an abundance of good paying jobs. But a lot of people would tell me there are like no girls there. I thought, meh, they gotta be exaggerating. Guess what? They weren't. My year had a staggering amount of 6 girls, all either taken or utterly unfuckable no matter how much would I lower my standards. And in case anybody is wondering, in here universities aren't like in the US - there are no frats and this whole campus partying social hierarchy thing, it's more like a just another school, except people kinda separate into smaller social groups, the whole year doesn't integrate as much as in highschool. So since day one the social circle prospects were a complete zero. My social circle from the highschool isn't any better - even though I love these guys they are all either in relationships for years now or completely uninterested in getting laid, they just want to get drunk weekend after weekend. I can't say I don't enjoy this but my priorities are now becoming different. And there's absolutely no rotation of people/girls in the circle, same ol' faces every weekend. So no lays throughout the whole uni. And things remained like this up to this day.
So where am I now? I'll be on my final year on uni, I'm already working in my field. My current and first job doesn't pay a lot, but I'm gaining experience and sometime this year I hope to change jobs with having a better resume, then I'll be earning significantly more and probably will be able to move away from my parents (here very many people stay with them until they get married but that's not what I want). So everything in my life is heading in a good direction. Yet I just can't be truly happy. Zero intimacy in my life has been bugging me but I thought it will somehow happen eventually, yet it didn't. I tried to block it out in a variety of ways - telling myself I don't need this, it's better to stay safe from STDs and having an accidental child, women are evil and cheating, basically every excuse you could think of... but it won't work. It's really nearly impossible to shut off your natural hardwiring to want sex. And since some time now it's just intolerable - each day I wake up I can't stand being such a loser. So that's why I'm writing all this.
So what's stopping me from getting laid now?
My #1 problem is definitely approach anxiety - or as I should call it in my case, approach panic. I definitely don't think I've got any social anxiety - I don't feel any discomfort in crowded places or nightclubs. If there's a concert nobody of my friends wants to go to (and being a hardcore fan, that happens a lot), I've got no problem going there alone and finding someone to have a beer with on the spot. But trying to approach girls I find attractive? It's pure tragedy - I just can't do it in even the most indirect of ways. I feel like everyone learned the ropes of how to interact with girls in HS and I just missed it. Like a bird that was never thrown out of the nest to learn how to fly. They are like different species for me. I've had girls eyefuck me or even approach first but in these cases my body goes in full fucking panic mode, I eject myself as fast as possible before I can help it. I can't hold eye contact, I can't even ask a girl for time - I tried attempting the AA program but couldn't even do that. Additionally I just think too much - I have a brain that is on 120% all the time, analyzing everything 10 steps ahead. While it's the best possible trait for my job, it makes talking with people even worse - I constantly think about the outcome, I can't just be in the moment. Only being drunk remedies it, but then I'm usually too wasted to hold a half-intelligent conversation.
The #2 problem is insecurity over my height - I'm just 5'5 and while I pretty much never think anything of it during my daily activities, I think this is the thing that stopped me from trying online dating yet. My head just keeps playing scenarios when they ask how tall I am and then stop answering or worse, her assuming I'm of decent height and then going "I thought you were taller" when we actually meet and this completely killing what's left of my confidence.
#3 is me living with parents. I truly love them but they are religious and very traditional ("love is the most important thing of them all", "why do you want to move out if you're not getting married?" - my pops' words), they probably expect me to have a wife and children by 30 - they would definitely not be happy about me bringing girls for sex without being in a deep relationship with them. It doesn't help that they have their own business so they are home 90% of the time and the walls are paper thin - so aside from a few tiny windows when they are not home my house is a no-go. As I already mentioned this one may hopefully change in the following months and anyway it's not my biggest worry right now when I don't even talk to any girl.
About my looks - I'm 5'5, average body with a bit of fat. I'm not visibly overweight in clothes, but I do have a bit of a belly. I estimate somewhere around 18-22% bodyfat. Since a few weeks now I lift and diet hard (is this a good approach? I saw the fat loss diet here but should I do it cardio only having no muscle mass?) and my weight is going down - if I can keep it up I should be looking good in a few months. I definitely have above-average style. I can't rate my face, but from everything I read here if I were ugly I wouldn't get approached first as happened a few times, so I figure I must be at least somewhat attractive but a fucked up mind bars me from any success.
Since you guys here preach setting goals I guess mine are: #1 - lose my v-card
#2 - get a new job and move out
#3 - get down to 10-12% BF, then probably bulk
These are the vital ones for now.
Finally, what ultimately pushed me to write this - today, the #1 blockade I described happened again - when I was in bus going home from work a like 6.5/10 girl was noticeably peeking and faintly smiling at me. All I had to do was say fucking hi to get a shot. But me being me of course the anxiety kicked in and I did my best to avoid her. Then when I left I wanted to break my own face for being such a bitch. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE LIKE THIS or I'll be suffering forever.
I chose GLL because every regular poster seems to be really legit as opposed to other ones filled with keyboards jockeys that even I can notice they don't get laid. Every one of you is so inspiring. Particularly Thebastardfromglasgow for also being short and completely relentless in approaching and going crazy with his lays for some time now and Terminator for fighting every setback in his life. I really feel this is the only place that can help me, as I already told you my friends and family won't help me in this regard. So I really hope for a motivational kick in the ass from you guys.
I read your entire intro. I think you have a knack for writing, which from what I've seen: this does translate to all other forms of communication. So that's kool.
I'm not going to comment on anything in particular....
I lost my virginity on my graduation day of my bachelor's degree (i was 22, going on 23)
I was basically "friends" with everyone in high school. (everyone from the losers to the winners, so to speak)
I had an inordinate amount of anxiety as well. Cultivated over far too many embarrassing experiences with chicks. At some point I consciously or unconsciously turned away a fuck load of girls, and simply played basketball / played video games / worked out. This persisted through practically all of college.
I didn't make ANY changes in my life until I found
If you take everything these places have to offer, and apply them simultaneously, you will see results (practically guaranteed). As far as your height goes, you can absolutely delve into height-increasing insoles (there information on here about this).
I have a younger cousin than me who is also 5'5.
The guy is doing well for himself.
He has likely fucked more chicks than me (wouldn't doubt it for a second)
He looks good. In shape (~9-10%). Good style, good haircut, good social skills. Confident dude. STILL 5'5.
He fucks chicks.
Anyways... Welcome to GLL bro
future hall-of-famer Burt Reynold's grandson
If you hungry - you healthy
SQUEEZE THE GLUTES, MONO! =)
@KingKratom: Thanks for the answer dude. It's nice to hear I have good writing seeing as the only thing I ever write is computer code, haha
Your story is kinda similar to mine I see. That's cool, gives me a bit of hope. I checked the other website, Gorilla Mindset looks interesting to me, maybe I'll get it as it looks like it could help me with my mindset on all this. Today I was thinking about it as well as of my general past and I noticed something weird: I usually have ultimate confidence in myself. If I want to learn something, no matter how hard it seems, I just do: I learned music production, singing, guitar, photography and shitload of other things completely by myself. To get my current job I really made myself look more competent than I actually was, I actually didn't know a lot of things they asked for, I just thought I'd learn them on the go. And I did just that, long before the end of trial period they offered me a longer contract. Yet the getting laid thing is the sole exception - it just seems so damn hard/near impossible. Yet on a logical level I know it's no different from all the other things I could achieve myself. So I really can't answer myself why am I so anxious of this shit. But whatever... I know I need to tackle it from some side.
In the losing virginity guide Chris said that guys like me shouldn't cold approach, only online dating. Even though I'm anxious of it because of my height it still seems like a better option than direct approaching at least 100 girls before anything happens. So I guess my absolute first step would be getting some good photos of me - as I have none. I'm that guy who hates having his photos taken and has an almost supernatural ability to dodge cameras on every party, so yeah. Fortunately I have a remote controlled DSLR and a tripod so I can try taking very good quality photos of myself. I'll try it on the weekend. About the weekend - I'll probably hit bars with my bros as usual. So this time I'll try to not get completely wasted so that with a bit of liquid courage maybe I'll actually be able to talk to a girl. So yeah, it's a gameplan I thought of today. If anyone alse has some input I'd love to hear it. Thanks guys
fuckkkkk computer coding man. I didn't get a taste of it until college (chemical engineering)
i was -not- good at it, at all.
It was not a huge emphasis while in college. However, my friends who have a job; they do a fair bit of coding and designing (no surprise). They had to learn a lot on the job.
Based off what you just wrote --- you taught yourself most of what you know about coding?
That's impressive man.
I think you teaching yourself music / photography / etc is also impressive. Something to stand by.
I used to play piano (like over 10 years ago). I expect to get myself back into it in the future. As of now I can't do anything musically-inclined.
Coincidentally, my brother just picked up a violin. He's teaching himself.
As far as other "stuff" goes
Absolutely man - go ahead and take some high-quality photos
Have your expectations in check, though
You had mentioned you do need to get in better shape. This is something you cannot exactly "cheat", even in photos. In my humble opinion.
As far as drinking with your boy's and gaining some liquid courage, who else isn't doing this?
Oddly enough, liquor NEVER gave me courage.
Any mental/emotional inhibitions I had prior to drinking myself drunk --- they didn't go away
But hey fuck it, put yourself in a position of opportunity. Just don't let "going out and drinking with your buds" turn into a negative experience, because this can happen. But going out and getting shutdown by a bunch of girls and/or going out and not having the ability to approach ANY of them at all... these experiences can sometimes be the difference between you taking action or not
Staying home and playing video games is going to leave you neutral or worse off. So be in a position of opportunity
future hall-of-famer Burt Reynold's grandson
If you hungry - you healthy
SQUEEZE THE GLUTES, MONO! =)
@KingKratom: Yeah I did pretty much. On my uni I found lectures far too theoretical for good use so I ditched them completely after the first semester and I started just doing the assignments trial and error, supported by online tutorials. Oddly enough I learn 10x faster without a teacher and that goes for just about everything (especially the guitar - once I stopped working with my teacher who only tried to enforce his musical tastes on me, my progress skyrocketed). When I got the job I had the very basics of the stuff they wanted but I said I can do shit in it, so I definitely learned on the go after I got it. And what you said about chemical engineering I know all too well - the students of it are in the same building as we are and I frequently did programming stuff for them for a bit of money or a bottle of whisky, they all hate it. I'm not surprised - you really need to have a specific flow in your mind to be good at it. I like to say that the core of coding is being able to break up complex tasks into tiny steps that this dumbass lump of silicon can understand and execute. But obviously it's not so easy, for example a single line of code can be interpreted different than you think and then you spend hours cussing and looking for this bug. Every year 100+ people get kicked out after the first semester because they can't pass the very first coding exam, that includes people who get straight A's from maths and physics. It's kinda like this thing when some people are very good at sports since little kids while others are definitely not even if they practice a lot. But I digress a bit here.
Yeah I am a bit out of shape. Can you give me any pointers on it? Should I lift or just do straight cardio to burn fat ASAP like described here on GLL even though I have no real muscle mass?
But still, I remember Chris saying somewhere that you should only postpone anything if you are more than 20lbs overweight. From my estimations I've got 15lbs to lose tops to reach 10% BF. So should I already try to to the program?
About the going out thing: I'm not putting any pressure of myself. Actually the bigger reason why I don't want to drink as much is that I'm just tired of being hungover every single Saturday, it's kinda my little new year resolution. One day I'd love to be able to swoop girls from bars like you guys here do but it's definitely not a time for this yet. So no worries, go out as usual and if some girls smiles at me maybe I'll gather enough balls to approach. Just putting myself in a position of opportunity as you nicely put it
we need to see a picture of your physique. its the ONLY way for us to see how out of shape you are. People often have incredibly distorted perceptions of how much fat they have to lose (myself included)
Thanks for everything you guys. It's time for me to move on to bigger things!
Okay then, will focus on it. I count them and keep decreasing once I start to feel comfortable at current level (1500-1600 right now with intermittent fasting but I feel good so I'll try to go even lower). Should it be my sole goal for now?
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.