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Im currently on pause with my AA program. i was currently in week 8, spinning girls drill
The reason for this is
1) i want to approach
2) the spinning girls drills take a lot of time to be completed successfully and im going very slow, considering that the weather is shit in this period and i always have few girls around, which makes it even slower
3) i feel im quite confortable doing drills, at least in easy/average situations, but my mood is down since many months so i'd rather do what feels more fun at the moment. The biggest problem i feel is my mood and lack of desire.
So i started doing some approaches during the day: always when i meet a girl im interested in (bus, metro, street), and sometimes i plan an entire morning/afternoon dedicated to approach, going in some place good for that (i want to do this at least 3-4 times a week).
in the last month i got only 3 numbers: 1 is surely going into a date if i want, but i dont want. Another i was more interested in, replied to me first but now she replies no more (1 month has passed actually, surely she lost interest)
The other doesnt reply.
Unfortunatly i feel so tired that im dedicating way too little time to approach...im doing only about 5-6 approaches a week. I will change that.
After im posting this, im going out and will dedicate this late morning/lunchtime to approach
I had to went around in the city center, and i approached the girls i met.
I had 2 nice approaches in the bus, but both had a boyfriend. The second one gave a nice reaction tho, and im happy of that.
Then i stayed a bit in the metro but i didnt find any occasion.
Then on the street i tried with a very nice blonde but she was on the phone (didnt noticed) and didnt react so well, then with 2 girls from another city, but they werent interested and went away.
On the way back home i was so tired that i didnt approach anyone.
Of course with cold weather, ppl is less likely to stop in the street and approaching on the outside now is harder, but still it is the way im more confortable with...still the reactions on the outside tend to be worse.
Actually i went out with the idea of getting practice in bars, because i suck in closed environments, but the bars i went in had no girls..... except for one bar near an university, which had about 3-4 tables with girls: but they all were in tables of 4 and i wasnt able to start a conversation going on my own. That situation feels so hard for me, because they see me alone in a table...i should just go over their table and approach directly, without sitting.
But still i feel in bars one should start a conversation in a more smooth way, and the direct approach on a table feels too aggressive.
Maybe im just making problems for myself, im sure if i approach a table of 4 being confident and not feeling guilty as i feel, things can go well.
I feel way too tired this days. I need to take more time to rest, so today i decided to do nothing and just fix something in my house, and tomorrow (saturday) i will make approaches in the afternoon, and if i dont collapse, i'll do something in the evening (very unlikely)
I liked the AA program so much that i start doing drills even when im not supposed to.
I entered the bus today and there was this average/nice girl seated. I didnt approach immediately both for tension and because i wasnt really interested (no excuse).
But i felt i should have approached anyway immediately. While im thinking about approaching, 2 middle aged husband and wife enter the bus, and the wife places herself just in front of the seated girl, so i couldnt reach her anymore.
So in my head i start imagining the scene of me going up to them saying "get away, i have to approach her" and i start laughing on my own
So i fight inside myself because i feel this is something i have to do, not as an approach, but as an exercise/drill.
After 1 minute passed laughing on my own, i finally go and say something more educated and not so loud to make the wife move away: "can i stay here, i have to approach her" ahahah not the best but i liked anyway. She moves away and i went on with the approach. I dont think the girl even heard me because she had headphones on, what a pity
Slightly positive reaction but she had a boyfriend.
Then i went to the gym. After that i planned to make some approaches and repeat a week 7 drill. But i was so tired i did only 5 reps of the drill, and no other real approach. I feel i still get tired fast and im not motivated, maybe its because i dont meet hot girls.....but this in turn is because im dedicating too little time to approaching, and i always start when im tired. I hope i will handle my time better during the weekend.
2 approaches today + some exercises and drills. 0 numbers
The first approach was on metro, i go to this hot peruvian girl. I was ok in this approach and i didnt talk in a weak way as i often do. But she had a boyfriend.
The second approach made me quite sad: on the bus, she was hot (i would say 7/8 ) and the situation went on very "smoothly" . We even had something to talk about (she was bringing a foldable bike with her).
She didnt have a boyfriend (at least she didnt say it) the interaction was good but she didnt want to give her number. She was friendly and nice, but I really felt i wasnt good enough. Maybe my looks, maybe my problems in talking (i have a problem to pronounce all -r -s -z, and i really cant talk clearly). Anyway i want to try another jacket, and i have to focus to talk clearly (i have often to repeat things)
before this approach i tried to make some drills of the AA program (the spinning girls drill) and i couldnt copmlete a single one: but it is cold outside and ppl isnt willing to be spinned around, i really felt it was so out of place...it was much easier in the past.
I have to find a more relaxed setting for this drill
1 girl yerstarday was very receptive, smiling, holding my hand after the handshake, but later she told me she had a boyfriend. I could tell something was wrong because she never asked me anything back about myself. Anyway i need to do better, i was very quick to ask her number (about 2 minutes) which is wrong anyway....but i had nothing to say.
I feel its always better to talk more than 2 minutes because it builds some connection....in the past when i got a number very quickly, they never reply to msg later.
then i did some reps of the justin bieber drill just to talk to more girls
I decided i need to do conversations/approaches in bars, but so far i didnt do that. I need experience in closed enviroments. So i always check out bars while im moving through the city: most of the times there arent girls to talk to. 1 time there were 2 girls but they were so engaged in their conversation i wasnt able to go talk to them. I know i had to get in there anyway but i failed.
TO BE COMPLETED BY THE HALF OF JANUARY:
-10 approach/conversations in bars buring the day
-3 approaches in pubs in the night
i imposed this to myself because i have much more anxiety in closed environments
these days i made another 5-6 approaches. 0 numbers
bar conversations 1/10
i really had no desire to approach, i just forced myself. Its not all about anxiety, now its about desire itself. Maybe i dont meet girls that turn me on, maybe its the fact that we are all covered because its cold. Maybe my mind is too often focused on other things and im staying home too much.
The approaches where bad because girls werent receptive and surely i wasnt giving a good vibe, because i myself wasnt interested in them.
I finally did an approach in a bar but it was indirect, the girl was eating alone and i seated near her (it wasnt a table so it was quite easy to do that). It was a conversation more than an approach: but that's ok i want to practice conversation, even with girls that are not interesting.
@Demonirus thanks! this community is great, among other things, because you dont feel alone in your journey ^^
talking about results this last month has been a complete disaster. But i dont care, i know i can do better than this. 3-4 days ago i repeated a simple drill of the AA program (just 6-7 reps) because i wanted something easy to talk to girls and wake up.
Im talking too little, in general.
Then i did 2 approaches, both failed, but the reaction wasnt bad
Yerstarday, i went out with a dear friend of mine, his girlfriend and a friend of her (very cute).
it has been the worse experience since many months, its like i reverted back being my old self of many years ago. I dont even want to describe the night, i've been sad enough about it and bashed myself enough, i just need to learn from it. I tend to close in desperation, feel sorry about myself and go down in mood. fuck that.
some consideration of things that went wrong and things to work on:
1) i went out in the evening with friends 5-6 times in my life, more than 10 years ago, + about 5 times for drills or personal exercises.
solution: fucking get more experience in the evening. i've been postpoing the AA drills in the evening (i did only one, after 3 tries lol) and i've been postponing personal exercises, approaches, experience that i planned doing during the night: one day im tired, the other day is cold, "tomorrow is better" ahahah i'm becoming an idiot fuck this the next available night i'll go out. "its worse not to do it" as i always remind myself when im stuck with those things. So fucking do it
2) Entering a pub makes my anxiety spike: its not only the usual anxiety: i have some association that i make with the past, and brings me back bad feelings and sufference. There are some situation, places, people that i unconsciosly link to the past, and pubs with friends is one of those. Friends themselves are one of those. Some bus stops are one of those. This is not an excuse for anxiety, this is something very strict that i came to realize and i wont digress about it here, but consider that i changed city for this reason, to try to recover (but now im back in my hometown).
solution: this is a problem i cant skip forever. But its harder to attack that AA or at least i need a different plan for it. So far its like living in 2 different worlds, the "new" world where i can do things, and the old one where i cant and i see the surroundings as a nightmare.
The only solution that comes to my mind is that i need to associate positive feelings with situations that now i feel only as sufference. I think this is the key.
I guess the best bet is to go to different pubs, alone, where i can actually talk and hear (not like yersterday where i didnt hear anything they said, so it was even harder to talk), and try some approaches while i look good.
So finally after postponing 3 times i went out yerstarday evening, to a place full of strangers, americans for the most part (im italian).
I really didnt want to go out, i found no pleasure at all with it, as it is usual in these months, so i did it purely as an exercise.
I went in this pub which was really good, had a few decent girls. I got a drink and went talking to a nice blonde girl from texas. He had this group of about 10 ppl scattered around the pub. She introduced me to her friends (3 of them). The interaction lasted about 3-4 minutes and was horrible, music was so loud and we didnt understand each other. But she was surely interested, she was actually the one to bring the conversation on. I just didnt care and wanted to be done with it and go away.
I went away after that because "the exercise was done"
So afterall it went much better than i expected and i get hope from this experience. Its actually the first time ever i approach in the night (almost first time ever that i go out in the night as well).
The place was great because u dont have isolated groups of friends each one in their table, but they are quite mixed and not everyone seated. So you dont look mad being alone and its easier to talk. I have to find more places like that.
The problem is still lack of desire. I can find many possible reasons:
1) in the last months im getting more stimulus and excitment from other things like studying, playing games etc etc and the number of interactions i make with girls is very low. I spend a lot of time at home. I feel like my mind can appreciate only 1 thing at a time between "social life" and "nerd life", and now im in the nerd setting.
2) My attitude is like doing drills/approaches because its an exercise i have to make, not because its something i like. In every moment in my life i feel i must say something in the bus, in the street, or try an approach, even if the girl is not interesting, because i have to train. If i dont do it i feel guilty, i feel that i got worse.
I think i stressed myself too much with this and i stopped appreciating it, seeing it only as something i must do. I know i can do things now but i always need to prove it.
3) im back in my hometown, and in my home, which brings very bad feeling and memories. I wont talk about it, i did already before.
4) anxiety: even if i feel is still present, i feel its not the main factor for the lack of desire. 2 years ago i had more desire, despite having much more anxiety.
But something that makes me notice anxiety is that i have more desire when im not in a social tense situation. For example this morning im at home, relaxed, and i see the interaction with yerstarday's girl with much pleasure, while in that moment i didnt care.
At the end of the story i can conclude 2 things: i have to stay more outside home, and do what i want when im outside. ONLY what i want.
I shouldnt feel the need to do what i dont want. I did it already in the last 2 years, training is over now.
things to remember:
in winter is worse to approach in the street. confirmed.
pub > bar > shop > street
about 5+ approaches since my last post, all in daytime as always.
i got 1 facebook, but it wont lead anywhere since we both werent interested in each other.
Today i felt shit, even if i got this facebook. I went downtown.
But it just felt i was out of place...it was hard to stop ppl in winter on a very busy street, i felt a great tendency to ignore me. I started thinking that i looked worse (i got older, my face is worse bla bla bla) but i realize its not about myself.
I really want to try to go out this evening, but im so tired and my eyes are dark. I feel in winter i should focus on closed places instead of getting tired in the street, people is less willing to stop. still have to get more practice in bars and pubs.
I hope i will go out this evening, 2 hours left to "rest" and decide. The point is, i will do what i want, i dont want to get bad feelings about what i do because "i have to do it". I trained and forced myself enough in the last 2 years, i need to take pleasure from what i do now (this is related to my previous post)
about 5 more apporaches since my last post, got 1 number
the number i got is from a girl i met while i was waiting to cut my hair, in the hairstyle place.
nice girl, about 7 id say, but i did indirect approach, which i dont like. But in that situation i felt it was the best thing. She replied to my msg, i'll see if i can get a date with her. Problems with dates is that i absolutely dont know any place, i almost never drove a car in my life (i can drive but have no practice), but it has been some weeks im handling these problems too, even if i dont write it here.
I find that still i go too much on my sweet side while i approach, instead i should keep a confident and stronger attitude.
Yerstarday (saturday evening) i didnt went out, because i didnt want. Now i started listening to myself sometimes, instead of forcing myself everytime (this is related to what i explained before about lack of desire).
I had 2 evenings out recently:
1 was again with a friend of mine, his girlfriend and her friend (very cute). Its the second time i went out with them and it was much better, i could talk a bit more freely, but still less than a normal person. Tension was fine, but i need more experience with life in general. I almost never went out in my life so i dont have arguments, when i talk i tend to go deep into some reasoning about some serious matter. Its like i cant talk of daily things, which should make the major part of a conversation, because i really dont have much experience with it. Now im getting more experience about the outside world, the social world.
The other night out was 4-5 days ago: i went alone, i felt really bad and i didnt talk to anyone in the pub, so it went much worse than my first try. Luckily i had a good conversation with a girl on my way home, in the bus. I could take her number but i wasnt interested.
I plan to got out now, in the afternoon today (sunday) but i have a lesson do to later so i dont know. I need to work more on my frame and attitude, i want to approach without feeling guilty or too sweet or too weak.
I havent posted lately, but many things happened.
I kept approaching, got only 2 numbers but 1 of them is so solid.
I went out with her to dinner, and went great, despite my anxiety (it was first time out with a girl on dinner for me, and i had to drive the car with her which was terrific since i dont have practice driving, and it shows lol). We had a great connection and we stood there 3 hours talking. The only downside is that i wasnt "aggressive" we just talked about various things, and many serious things too, so it wasnt sexually oriented at all. I didnt even kiss her.
Anyway it was a very big step for me and it went so good, i was really lucky with many things.
So now we keep texting each other, i actually postponed our second date because i was so tired 2 days ago, but she surely likes me....the point is that i absolutely dont know what to do. I never had a date before this, never a gf, never a lay, never a kiss. I feel this can only be a serious relationship which i dont want now, but she is very nice and it would be such a pity to let her go.
Now the most troubling thing is....she invited me to her birthday party tomorrow. This should be a great news for me, instead my anxiety is spiking so hard. I havent been to a party since about 12-13 years ago, and the few ones i had were so painful for me. And ofc i know noone there, but im used to this. I feel i have to go, and i probably will, but i'll be very awkward and out of place.....still i have to go: if it goes wrong, it is still social training i really need.
I cant help but wonder why so big steps are happening all together: first date ever = serious dinner where i drive, second = her birthday party where i know noone else.
I want some steps like the AA program
Tomorrow i will need to go out and wake me up, buy a present for her and do some AA drills while im at it, so i will be more tension free in the evening i hope. I have to do it.
I wonder when it happens that i can actually enjoy something....
I will decide tomorrow, the option of letting her go and restart approaching is maybe better....i dont know, i will think about it
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