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some of you may or not know me (i was active on gll 2014/2015 mainly working on girls/anxiety), and then i got involved with online business via my own blog, and then ecommerce, and then crypto.
in late 2016 i moved to thailand, and in 2017 i started making some real money for the first time in my life. i had an awesome place, girlfriend, and was on top of the world.
little did i know that money would make me a slave, and i stopped going outside/being social and just isolated myself in my room all day thinking of how to make more money. i also suffered many strange diseases and sicknesses which drove me absolutely crazy.
it was completely unhealthy and unnecessary, and it spiraled me into depression which lasted pretty much a whole year from my 24th birthday in april until now.
my dad recently came out to thailand and has been helping me become a normal human being again. with one month until my 25th birthday, i have a lot of work to do to be the person i want to be, and i never want to reach the low that i reached this past year ever again.
i am going to be strictly focusing on my health (diet/supplements/yoga/gym/muay thai) and social life (new friendships/building existing relationships/adventures/travel)
ive completely sunk myself into money and girls for the past few years, and i no longer want it to consume my life anymore. i want to have a balanced lifestyle that will ultimately make me more fulfilled and happy.
i am gonna start writing here again to keep me on track for my new goals in life, and to be around the guys who changed my life the first time. this forum was absolutely crucial for me, and i want to be here again and give back as best i can.
thanks for reading, and i hope everyone is doing well - brian
you went down the crypto spiral didn't you? Crypto is fucked now, no way to get into it without being a whale or inside trader. Or just start your own ICO and rip everyone else. +1 for balanced lifestyle. Achieve your goals and be happy doing it.
playtime - ya man i went down a lot of spirals. crypto definitely being one of them. made some gains, but ya like i said im not really concerned with chasing money anymore. i just wanna be fulfilled and have a real purpose.
in other news, i just met up with xentip on the forum in chiang mai. really cool guy and had a great talk about life
I don't know the details of what went behind your depression period, but what I can say is that living away from your native country and away from your family and loved ones can take a toll you.
One is capable of taking on any challenge in life(like making money), but without the support or at least presence of loved ones and meaningful relationships to balance it out you'll quickly be worn out.
It's good that your dad is there for you. Him just being there with you will get you back on track.
I understand that being a man we're supposed to learn to be alone and fend for ourselves, but that's not healthy no matter how strong you are.
Make sure that you spend time regularly with guy friends, communicate regularly with your family, even if it's just through video, and of course have a regular girl or two around to unwind. You don't need to go all spiritual to make up for that toxic period. Just have your basic human needs taken care of.
If you do all these, you'll be able to take on your business goals in a much healthier and sustainable way for longer periods of time.
i wanted to talk about a serious issue that i've recently come to terms with called sex and love addiction.
since i started my self-improvement back in 2013/2014, i was all about getting rid of my anxiety and getting good with girls.
i accomplished both of those goals, but yet for a long time i would still prioritize on meeting girls to hookup with them. just meaningless sex, which i didn't even enjoy.
i noticed that once you are good with girls, hooking up with girls for sport isn't fun anymore, so i then began searching for a serious relationship. i had one previous relationship back in college, but i wanted to experience it again and learn more.
basically a month after i got to thailand, i met my gf, which quickly progressed to being monogamous.
and the relationship literally cloned my experience with my girlfriend back in college.
at first it was awesome, life was perfect, and then slowly but surely, things started to get too comfortable. i didnt see my friends anymore, it was just me and her spending all of our together. and this time, i was with a girl who could barely speak english. i started getting depressed and didn't want to leave the house and laid in bed all day.
now im at the year and a half mark, same as my college gf, and i've been winding the relationship down (this part rly sucks). same reactions, they don't want to breakup, want to spend our lives together, etc.
i've come to realize that i've used girls (both hookups and relationships) as a coping mechanism for love and attention, and it's very unhealthy for me. it probably stems from my disaster of a childhood, and i think a lot of other people have this problem too, whether they've realized it yet or not.
if you have achieved your goals and gotten good with girls from gll, then thats awesome. but i would be very careful on how you proceed in your later years.
i've seen myself and many guys make their whole lives centered around banging as many girls as possible, or just one girlfriend and nothing else.
it's very very unhealthy, and it won't make you happy in the longrun. it really is an addiction, and the earlier you come to terms with it, the easier it will be to beat it, and live a fulfilling life.
and it's very easy to fall into this addiction living in the digital age we live in. tinder and porn have really changed society for the worse, i urge you guys to take some time and reflect to see if you're dealing with the same thing.
in terms of myself, i've been going to a fellowship meeting called sex and love addicts anonymous, and i find it's really helpful to talk to people going through similar issues. if u wanna find a meeting near u, check the website here -
i've also made a pact with myself to no longer have casual sex, watch porn, or get into a serious relationship. the only time ill have sex is if i already have a real existing friendship with a girl, and it just happens randomly. i don't want to be meeting girls for sex. i want to be meeting girls and guys as friends.
i want to focus on real friendships and community, as that's when i've found myself the most happy. not in a relationship or banging girls for sport. of course im not ruling out relationships in the future, but i am not going to be doing that anytime soon. and if i do, im going to be a lot stricter on the circumstances. love is not enough.
so far it's been about a month of working through these issues, and it's definitely been difficult at first. so many old brain patterns exist that i have to rewire. the good news is in only a few days ill be moving to phuket from chiang mai to start fresh and solely focus on my new health and social goals.
thank you all for reading and i hope you start working on this problem if you realize you have it too - brian
Hey all. I just wrote my last post ever on l2w. You can view it here or on the site, whichever you prefer. Please allow me to explain the reason below, but first it's necessary to begin with a complete recap of my past year. No details left out.
My Life (March 2017 - May 2018):
At the start of 2017, things were going really well for me. I was finally making some decent money with ecommerce, having a great time with my new girlfriend, and was just generally loving life in Thailand.
I had just moved into an awesome hotel overlooking the mountains in Chiang Mai, and one night I was just drinking some white wine on the balcony, reflecting on how much things had changed.
Just a few years prior I was at living at home, delivering pizza, and not knowing what the hell to do with my life.
I knew that I had put in a ton of hard work to get to where I was, but I still thought that this was all too good to be true. Unfortunately, as it turned out, I would end up being right.
Only a few weeks later, I ended up crashing my bike, which landed me in the hospital with some pretty bad cuts on my right leg.
I couldn't really walk for a month, and I also started peeing about 20 times per day (I figured I must have got infected with bacteria from the road).
So I began taking antibiotics, and had to lay in bed all day from my injury. I had nothing else to do but to work more, and I quickly began to get addicted to the easy money.
I also started making videos on YouTube about my ecommerce success, and was getting more attention than I'd ever gotten in my whole life.
It felt good at first, but then, an ego developed. I thought that I was so special, and that people should be lucky to get advice from me.
I started treating people badly, and ended up ignoring a lot of requests for help, even from existing friends in Chiang Mai.
Meanwhile, I kept on peeing a ridiculous amount of times per day, and it was driving me insane.
I went to numerous doctors, and they all said that I was fine and that it was "all in my head". Some gave me more antibiotics but they didn't help at all.
After going to a specialist in the Philippines, he told me it looks like Candida, which is an overgrowth of yeast inside the body. So he gave me some anti-fungal medicine, and in three days, my frequent urination problem disappeared.
I was so relieved, and happily flew back to Thailand. However shortly after arriving, the constant peeing began again. Was this some kind of sick joke?
I took more anti-fungal medicine, but this time it didn't work. I began to get extremely depressed.
Anyhow, ecommerce was slowing down as the summer approached, and I figured that it would just be a seasonal dip. I also had many requests to make a course on my method, as many other YouTubers were selling crap.
I didn't really want to do it as I was always against gurus and their marketing tactics, but since I had nothing else to do and was too depressed to leave my bed, I figured why not.
This is when things really went south. Instead of taking care of my health problem, I was making YouTube videos and an ecommerce course that I didn't even want to make. I was a slave to the attention.
In addition, I was getting really into conspiracy theories and investing in Bitcoin.
While I was relieved that I finally saw the truth about the world that I had always been searching for, it was an extremely depressing realization.
I had seen too much, and felt like Cypher wishing I could be put back into the Matrix and forget everything that I'd learned.
Then in September, I released my ecommerce course, and jumped back into the game myself. However, when I came back, Facebook Ads were no longer working as well as they used to.
Instead of it being a seasonal dip like I thought, Facebook had changed it's algorithm to make it much more difficult to advertise products listed on Shopify from Aliexpress.
The reason they did this, was because a lot of greedy advertisers weren't even shipping the items they were selling, and millions of customers were complaining to Facebook, thus making them look very bad.
Even though my course would've been really good at one point, it was no longer relevant after the Facebook algorithm change, and I felt like I let a lot of people down.
Now I was panicking. I had plenty of money already, but I was overspending and living way beyond my means. I was scared that I would end up broke and never be able to make money again.
I didn't know it at the time, but I desperately needed someone to talk to. I thought that I could do it all on my own (man was I delusional).
And even if I did know it, I didn't have any friends at the time. I had stopped talking to everyone since I started making money due to my stupid ego.
All I had was my girlfriend who could barely speak english, and she didn't understand what was going on with me.
Then I caught a break (or so I thought), when Bitcoin and Crypto started mooning during the Holidays.
I made some more money, but I could've made millions if I knew what I was doing and knew how to trade correctly.
This kind of thinking made me even more depressed, and decided that I should start a crypto business to make up for my trading mistakes.
I met a developer and we had an app that was going well for awhile, until we had some creative differences and the project was halted.
Then, my Candida overgrowth began causing more problems, and I got violently ill with leaky gut when I took a trip up to Pai for New Years.
It was at this point that I realized how insane I had been all year. I was chasing money when I was already pretty well off, and I was completely ignoring my health and social life which was getting worse everyday.
Once I got back to Chiang Mai, I made a pact with myself to change my life around. No more chasing money, and no more isolating myself with my girlfriend. I needed to take care of my health, both mentally and physically.
I did some research online and found some highly recommended probiotics, enzymes, and anti-fungal herbal supplements. I ordered them all and counted down the days until they arrived.
After getting the package, I took all the supplements aggressively, and a week later my symptoms were gone again.
Finally I thought, all my problems were over.
Unfortunately however, there was still a deep emptiness inside of me.
I had been holed up in my room for so long, that I didn't even know how to go outside and talk to people anymore.
One night I was so pissed at my vanished social skills, that I went over to 7-11 and bought some Vodka and Wine coolers and headed straight to Zoe In Yellow.
I hadn't been out drinking in a year, and figured that it would be a good way to loosen up and be social again.
It was fun at first, but stupid me didn't eat dinner that night, and I got absolutely hammered.
I ended up making out with some girl on the dance floor and immediately felt a weird taste in my mouth. I started spitting on the ground and took a tuk-tuk back home.
The next day I felt like death, and was once again, sick.
The doctor said I had picked up some rare strains of bacteria, and was given multiple rounds of antibiotics.
For a few weeks I was nauseas with no appetite, and became depressed again at my stupidity.
While the bad bacteria was finally killed, my Candida overgrowth reactivated, as I learned that antibiotics feed yeast in the body. Fucking hell.
Back to square one, I realized that just the supplements alone weren't going to get rid of my Candida for good. I needed to also follow a strict diet, which meant no sugar, dairy or bread.
I had never been a day in my life without chocolate, so this was going to be very difficult, but absolutely necessary.
I decided that I needed to get out of Chiang Mai, as I had been there way too long, and wanted to get to a more tropical location to begin my healing regimen.
At first I went to Phuket which was nice, but it didn't really have the atmosphere that I needed.
Then Koh Phangan kept popping into my head, with it being a more spiritual healthy place, so I packed my things and arrived on the island the next day.
Since I've been on the island, I've finally started to make some good progress on my health and mental well-being.
I met some really nice people who helped me with a 3 day juice fast, as well as a Shanka Cleanse.
The fast was great, and on the third day with zero energy left, I was laying down on the beach and started to get really emotional.
I was completely honest with myself for the first time in my life, and I managed to see the real reasons that caused my downward spiral.
At first I thought I was just unlucky, and then I thought that I deserved all the misfortune for the way I acted all year. These are both probably true, but now I could finally see the root cause of my demise.
Throughout my whole life, I had always been on my own. My parents were divorced since I could remember, and switching houses every few days was considered normal to me.
I never had a real family, and I never had any support or guidance from either side. My dad was more like a friend, and my mom remarried and I became the middle child of a very strict household.
I felt like a volleyball being passed around between two different extreme styles of living, and I hated every minute of it.
I just wanted to escape with TV and video games and forget my real life that was unfolding all around me.
This caused me to be very shy and antisocial as I grew up, which as you could imagine, did not bode too well for me in school. I always had few friends, and absolutely nothing going on with girls.
I was full of resentment to everyone else who seemed like they knew what they were doing.
I realize now, that this past year was me saying fuck you to everyone who had wronged me.
I wanted to make everyone jealous that I was making money online, and living the good life in Thailand. I wanted to use that as revenge for my very difficult upbringing. I wanted to prove to everyone that they were wrong about me.
But where did that get me?
It was just another coping mechanism to mask my pain, and as it turns out, the universe doesn't want me to repress my past anymore.
I feel like everything that has happened this year has happened for a reason, allowing me to wake up and face my problems head on instead of pretending they don't exist.
For years I have been using the internet, money, and girls to isolate myself, the same exact way that I used to use TV and video games when I was a kid.
Instead, it's crucial for me to focus on health and friendship, two areas that I can now see are the most important in life, and areas that I've never once taken seriously.
I've never been truly happy for any extended period of time, because I was searching for it in all the wrong places. And all that pain and resentment I was carrying, made it certain that I wasn't going to find it.
But I have now realized that I don't have to carry it. I can simply let it all go.
For anyone who has ever wronged me, either for real or in my mind, I forgive you. And for everyone who I have wronged, I am deeply sorry.
I have been through some very dark moments in my life, and I can't possibly wish anyone else to experience the same.
On a completely different note, my YouTube channel was terminated on my 25th birthday.
I had been getting some of my Kratom videos shut down for "dangerous content", and I knew that my channel would eventually be taken with it.
I could've stopped it by deleting my Kratom videos, but I simply didn't want it anymore.
I never even wanted to make videos, I just thought that I had to due to the fact that no-one was reading blogs anymore.
And then when I started making them, all the attention grew my ego to ridiculous and unwarranted levels. YouTube did nothing good for me, and I was glad to see it go.
I also find it quite ironic that it was terminated on my 25th birthday. My inner child died that day, and I am now ready to leave my past behind me and become a well functioning, responsible adult.
What's Next For Me:
This blog has done so much for me, and I am so glad that I got share my experiences and help others for the past few years.
It has taught me so many great lessons about business, psychology, and the human condition, and I am forever grateful that it guided me through my confusing college years.
However, all good things must come to an end.
I feel like I have shared everything that I have to offer, and I don't want to force anything when I don't have any fresh content to produce.
I also have a lot of work to do on myself in terms of my health and relationships, and spending time online would not be conducive to that.
Lastly, my heart is just not in it anymore. I want to go out and explore other new ventures, and it's time to move on from this chapter in my life.
For the short term, I am planning on going home to Connecticut, as it's been almost 2 years since I've been back. I think it will be good to go see some old friends and repair relationships.
I am going to be primarily focusing on my health with proper diet and supplementation, while also following a pretty intense training schedule to improve my Muay Thai and general fitness.
I recently began learning the sport, and I've really been enjoying it. I've never been good at any sort of physical activity, and I'm not okay with that anymore. Now I have a good reason to get in shape, as I would like to start fighting in the future.
In terms of business, I'm going to be taking a much needed break. The only thing I will be doing for money is trading crypto, just to give me some cash flow to cover my expenses.
Eventually, after I feel like my life is in order, I will slowly dip my feet back in the shark tank. Only this time, I will only be working on projects that I truly care about. As I have learned, making money just to make money is not fulfilling at all.
I know I have a purpose in life to do something great, I just have to find it. I don't know where or when, but you will see me again.
I want to end this post by saying thank you to everyone who has helped and supported me on my journey. Anyone who has ever left a comment, emailed me, or has just been a reader, I really truly appreciate it. I wouldn't have learned anything if it weren't for you.
And most importantly, none of this would have been possible without the great work and generosity of Chris Deoudes.
Stumbling across Good Looking Loser back in 2013 was single handedly the biggest turning point in my life. The impact it had on me was immense, as he gave me the knowledge and direction to start looking out for myself and to carve my own path.
As I did back then, it's time for me to get back into hardcore self-improvement mode.
Thank you for reading, and I wish us all to have a happy and fulfilling life - Brian
You just got addicted to your business, which is completely normal. Not to mention the fact that you didn't intentionally contract Candida, obviously.
Since you're going, I just ask that you do one little favor for us and try to be a little kinder to yourself. I'm kind of the pot calling the kettle black, here, but it's important to take it easy sometimes.
Good luck in everything you do, thanks for your contributions, and have a fulfilling life.
Thanks for everything you guys. It's time for me to move on to bigger things!
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.