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Down below is this screenplay I wrote that I believe is perfect to put up on this site. It's about Heath, who is a virgin, who gets dragged by his confident friend to a party and tries to get him laid. I tried to make it as realistic as possible and it really portrays how awkward and tough it is for a guy with low self-esteem to go out and talk to women. The theme is obvious, but I'll let you figure that out. If you hate it, love it, or whatever, just let me know why you do, but I'd like to see what people think. Even if you hate it and give your opinion, I'll thank you and give you + karma. It really picks up when they get to the party.
Jake’s at his friend’s house. The house is small and his friend’s room has junk all over the floor. His friend is skinny and Jake is slightly toned. They’re both 17.
Jake: Are you going to that party tonight?
Heath: Eh, I don’t know man. I don’t feel like it.
Jake: Why not? Everyone’s going to be there.
Heath: Except people that don’t feel like it, including me.
Jake: Alright, but I think you would have a good time if you did go.
Jake: If you do decide to go, I’ll pick you up.
Heath: What if I call you and you’re drunk?
Jake: I guess I’ll pick you up fucked up then. You know I’m a good driver when I’m drunk. Maybe even better than when I’m sober.
Heath: I know where it’s at. I’ll just walk if I happen to decide to go.
Jake: It’s supposed to rain.
Heath: Girl’s like wet guys.
Jake: I believe it’s the other way around. (Takes a drink of his grape soda) It is the other way around.
Heath: That’s true.
Jake: Dude, are you depressed or something? You’ve been mopey lately.
Heath: Mopey is an understatement. Depressed is not.
Jake: Hey, if you ever want to get something off of your chest. Anything; you can always tell me man.
Heath: Honestly . . . Never mind.
Heath: Nothing, it’s nothing. I haven’t been feeling well lately.
Jake: No shit, but there’s obviously a reason behind that.
Heath: I . . .
Jake: Go on.
Heath: I’m a virgin Jake.
Jake: I know that.
Jake: Just your mannerisms. You’re awkward in social situations, especially with girls.
Heath: Yeah, well . . . I want that to change.
Jake: Experience is the key. Go to that party tonight.
Heath: Well I would but . . . .
Jake: You would but you’re a fucking pussy? Come on man; I’m trying to help you. Hey, I’ll tell what, if you go, I will help you out to the best of my abilities.
Heath: (takes a deep breath) Okay sure, I’ll go.
Jake: My man! I’m gonna get you laid tonight. Do you understand?
Heath: What’s not to understand about that?
Jake: I want that statement to sink into your fucking brain Heath. You. Are. Going. To. Get. Laid.
Heath: We’ll see.
Jake: Yeah, we’ll certainly fucking see.
They enter Jake’s Honda Civic and they go to the party. It is at a nice two story house. They enter and they’re a little early, so it’s not packed yet. Jake walks over to two cute girls that he knows, with Heath following.
Jake: (Looks at Olivia) Hey.
Jake: Are you fucked up already?
Olivia: Not as much as I’m putting on to be.
Jake: That’s good, because I don’t think you’ve had your chance to be ‘that drunk girl’ yet have you?
Olivia: Oh Jake, there will be TONS of drunk girls.
Jake: Yeah, but there’s only one ‘that one drunk girl at that party last night.’
Olivia: I’ll try to only be ‘that other drunk girl.’
Jake: Don’t worry, if you are, you’ll just be ‘that drunk girl who almost did something stupid, until that guy stopped her from doing something stupid.’
Olivia: Nobody talks about the girl who almost did something stupid Jake.
Jake: I will if I am the one who saves you.
Jake: I love you Olivia. (Looks at Jessica, Olivia’s friend) Did she make you the DD again?
Jessica: Yeah, but since I don’t drink, it doesn’t matter.
Jake: You know you’re happy when you go to a party and can have as much fun without drinking.
Jessica: I’m happy to get high on life, which includes fucking my boyfriend and smoking a lot of weed.
Jake: Touché. You guys know my friend Heath right?
Jessica: Yeah, you’re in my World Civ. class.
Heath: I believe so. You sit on the other side of the room right?
Jessica: From your point of view, yes I do.
Jake: I’m really feeling your vibe Olivia. Hey Heath, let’s get some drinks. (Looks at Olivia) I’ve got my eyes on you. (She smiles broadly)
They leave the girls.
Heath: God, I fucking bombed that.
Jake: Don’t be so hard on yourself. She has a boyfriend anyways.
Heath: I just spaced out man.
Jake: I don’t think your social skills are as bad as how much you think about it afterwards. I think you should just embrace it man.
Heath: Easy for you to say. You’re slinging dick everywhere.
Jake: Hmm, okay. That’s an overstatement from hell. Dude, I’m not some expert with girls or anything. I just don’t give a fuck when I’m in conversations with people. I’m awkward sometimes too.
Heath: Whatever dude. I just want to get fucked up.
Jake: That will help you tremendously bro.
They drink a couple of beers.
Jake: You feeling a little better?
Heath: Yeah man, I want some pussy now. (says aggressively)
Jake: Chill man. You need to be patient. You want to attract girls, not scare them away with your sexual frustration. . . Look, there’s Patty.
Heath: She’s cute.
Jake: Yeah, she’s very cute man. Come on, I’ll help you out.
They walk up to Patty, who is alone because she just arrived.
Jake: Hey Patty, how have you been? (Gives her a hug)
Patty: Jake! What’s up?
Jake: Just getting a little tipsy with my friend. Do you know Heath?
Patty: Yeah, yeah. I’ve seen you around school before I think.
Heath: Yeah, I’ve seen you to . . . I think.
Patty cocks her head, while maintaining eye contact with Heath. Heath breaks it by looking down. Patty rolls her eyes.
Jake: (Whispers into Patty’s ear) He just got out of a long relationship, so he’s not feeling too hot tonight.
Patty: Oohh. Okay, I see. (Grabs Heath’s hand) Come on, let’s sit.
Jake: (Gives thumbs up while Heath is guided to the couch)
Heath: (Whispers) What did you say?
Jake: (Whispers) You’ve been in a long relationship, so play it off.
Heath: Oh, I stubbed my toe earlier and it’s still in pain.
Patty: (Giggles) Okay.
They sit about a foot away from each other on a sofa. Heath has his hands awkwardly clasped between his legs. Patty sits in a relaxed posture. Heath keeps his eyes down while Patty eyes him.
Patty: I’m sorry about you and your girlfriend. I know how you feel.
Heath: Oh, it’s okay. I just didn’t feel we were right for each other, (looks at Patty) you know?
Patty: Wait, so you broke up with her.
Heath: Well . . . it was kind of a mutual thing.
Heath: Yeah, we just both decided it was time to go our separate ways.
Patty: So it was a pretty shitty relationship.
Heath: Well yeah, one could say that.
Patty: I did just say that. So why would you be so bummed out over a shitty relationship?
Heath: I feel a little regretful.
Patty: A little regretful.
Heath: Yeah, um . . . why do you keep repeating most of what I say?
Patty: Because I’m trying to help you see how stupid most of what you’re saying really is.
Heath: Why is it stupid?
Patty: Because it’s a shitty lie. It’s a lie that a full grown fucking bull would shit out of its asshole. I think I felt little flakes of bullshit hitting my face while you were talking to me.
Patty: Listen, the only reason I’m being an asshole is because you are being a liar. I’m fucking done with you, but I’ll still give you a little advice. Be honest kid. If you’re just an awkward dude, just admit you’re just an awkward dude. I mean, don’t actually say, ‘well I’m just awkward.’ Just be congruent with everything you say. Embrace it. I would’ve really liked you as the awkward kid at the party who talked to me much better than the pussy liar who pretended he wasn’t awkward.
Heath: Yeah . . .
He finds Jake, who is talking to Olivia.
Jake: Hey, why aren’t you talking to Patty?
Heath: I really want to go home.
Jake: Patty’s a nice girl. Come on, let’s go find her.
Heath: She figured out I was lying. Well, you were lying.
Jake: You ran with it. Listen man, it’s just one night and plus, it hasn’t been even thirty minutes yet. You just hit a rough patch.
Olivia: What did you lie about?
Jake: I told Patty the reason Heath was being so awkward was because he just got out of a long relationship.
Olivia: But he didn’t.
Olivia laughs uncontrollably, while Heath speed walks out.
Jake: Come on Heath. Come back.
Jake catches up to heath underneath a streetlight.
Jake: Come on man. We can talk to another girl and you can be honest this time. Or we can try the lie on a dumber girl.
Heath: No Jake. I can’t handle that shit. I can’t handle being brutally rejected that way again. I just want to go home.
Jake: To do what? Play video games and jerk off? Dude, this shit is all in your head. Fuck Patty man, she’s just one chick. One fucking chick that doesn’t fucking matter a fucking bit.
Heath: Listen, I really appreciate what you are trying to do. Someday I’ll find a girl that’s right for me.
Jake: Not if you’re a pussy Heath. I’m telling you this because I am your friend. Girls and guys alike will walk all over you if you don’t grow some balls man. You’re only 17. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and you’re wasting your youth by not taking action. Come back inside. We’ll find you another girl to talk to.
Heath: I really don’t want to man.
Jake: If you talk to one more girl, you can leave.
Heath: (Takes deep breath) One more girl.
Jake: My man!
They walk back inside. Olivia and Patty are talking to each other. Heath notices Olivia laughing, while Patty whispers something to her.
Olivia: Jake! Come here!
Jake: I will in a minute! Hold on!
Heath: Thank you.
Jake: I’m risking losing good pussy because of you, so you better not puss out.
Heath: Okay I won’t.
Jake: Liz and Rachel are over there. I’ll try to hook you up with Rachel. Just be cool.
Heath: Liz is too fine though.
Jake: Exactly. And she’s a fucking man eater. If Patty fucked you up that bad, Elizabeth . . .
Jake: Rachel, What’s goin’ on? It’s been forever.
Rachel: It has! What have you been up to?
Jake: Oh just trying to get my friend laid.
Liz: Is he a virgin or something?
Jake: Yes he is.
Heath: Jake, what the fuck man?
Jake: (Whispers) Just roll with it.
Liz: (Looks at Heath) So you want one of us to do something about that? Maybe even both?
Heath: Oh . . . just . . . I’m just trying to have a good time. I don’t even see what being a virgin has to do with that. Just drink you know. Just drink and talk to chicks and have a good time. You know.
Jake: That was very well said Heath. Parties are all about having a good time.
Liz: Exactly, so what’s your fucking problem Jake? Why bring up personal shit like that?
Jake: (Narrows eyes to Liz)
Heath: Well, he’s just trying to help me get laid. Not that we saw you two and was like ‘I want to fuck them’ or anything. I just want to have a good time with everyone. You know.
Jake: I’m sorry Heath. I was totally in the wrong by saying that. (Starts bobbing head) Oh shit, this song.
Jake moves his body smoothly, while Heath awkwardly starts moving his arms and bouncing his legs.
Heath: I just want to have a good time. You know.
Liz: We do know that actually.
Heath: Would one of ya’ll . . .
Liz: (Looks at Rachel) Let’s dance with him. I think he really needs a boost of confidence.
Rachel: Yeah, no shit.
While the girls grind up against Heath, he starts panicking a little, but confidence builds within himself when he looks down at Liz’ ass.
Jake: Whoo! Fuck yeah Heath!
Jake runs over to Patty, who is still talking to Olivia.
Jake: Look at my boy Heath. Two girls grinding against him including Liz fucking Baker.
Patty: So did they actually buy his bullshit or did he listen to my advice?
Patty: Yeah, I told him to embrace his awkwardness basically.
Jake: Oh, well sorry, I thought you were just a bitch to him.
Patty: I was, but I still tried to help him out. Give him some pointers.
Jake: Damn, I’m handing apologies like candy tonight.
Olivia: And you still haven’t apologized to me for leaving me for the 1000th time!
Jake: How about I apologize on the dance floor.
Olivia: Apology accepted.
Jake takes Olivia’s hand, leading her to the dance floor. Heath is still dancing with the two girls, but Liz suddenly stops grinding on him.
Liz: I’m not going to dance with your boner poking me in the butt.
Heath: Sorry, I’m just trying to have a . . .
Liz: Yeah, I know what you’re trying to do.
Heath: What? (says panicky)
Liz: (Let’s out a burst of laughter) Are you fucking serious?
Heath: I didn’t even notice I had a boner, so . . .
Liz: You are hilarious. I’ll tell you what. When your junk deflates, I will resume grinding up against you. (Liz whispers in Rachel’s ear) You should talk to him.
Heath: (Whispers to himself) What’s with all of this whispering?
Heath sits down and Rachel follows.
Rachel: It’s okay, every guy gets boners.
Heath: I get them at the worst times.
Rachel: You’re drunk and you had two girls grinding up against you. One of them being Liz. Any guy would get a boner if she was grinding on his penis. That’s probably why she was so cool about it, since she’s used to it.
Heath: Well . . . You’re really pretty too.
Rachel smiles and blushes.
Rachel: Oh well thanks.
Heath: I mean, she wears way more makeup than you do. I think you’ve got that natural face.
Rachel: (Giggles) Natural face? Everyone’s got a natural face Heath.
Heath: Well . . . dammit.
Rachel: I know what you meant. I’m just giving you a hard time. (laughs) Just relax.
Heath: So . . . what do you do?
Rachel: Go to school at Redgemend High and work the register at my Dad’s vacuum cleaner store, Reggie’s Vacuums. The asshole can’t think of a name, so he just said fuck it and put his name in front of vacuums.
Heath: I don’t. . . I don’t know any names other than vacuums either.
Rachel: Who’s side are you on?
Heath: Well, nobody’s it’s just . . .
Rachel: Heath, just chill. I’m only joking.
Heath: He should change the name of it to joking Vacuums.
Rachel: Oh yeah? And why’s that?
Heath: So people will know he was only joking about the stupid name of it before.
Maybe another day I'll read this.
I'm glad to see you say "I tried to make it as realistic as possible"
Which is a fundamental to screenplays: the writer needs to portray the truth (even when truth is subjective), it needs to be the truth to YOU.
So glad you nailed that.
Did you also focus on the ups and downs, fast and slow parts, and a tension build up towards the ending/resolution?
The beginning is a little stale, but it does pick up after they reach the party, which doesn't take too long. I did some building up throughout the story, but the ending is not what you might think. Like I said, as realistic as possible.
This story sounds exactly like something that would've happened to me in high school haha. So it is pretty realistic. The only thing I found that's probably not very realistic are the witty comments these 17 year olds respond with lol. Especially when they are supposed to be drunk. I don't know the first thing about screen writing though.
Anyways, It was pretty good. I kept reading it up until the end so that's a good sign haha. Don't know if you are looking into a career with this sorta thing but good luck bro.
Thanks for reading it man! I put some comedy in there, but I tried to make the situations that Heath got himself into as realistic and awkward as possible. It all took place an hour into the party, up until Heath passed out, so the only one that was actually drunk was Olivia. Right now I'm just writing stuff like this for fun, but who knows, maybe some day I can do something with it.
I liked it...some of the advice seemed a little advanced...and usually when girls tell you what you did wrong they generally have no idea what they are talking about because because there are so many reasons as to why a girl will be turned off or uninterested
That being said...I liked it a lot...I don't know the first thing about writing screenplays so I can't offer much more constructive criticism
Thanks a lot for reading it. I didn't think about the advice being to advanced, so thank you for bringing that to my attention. I don't know much about screenplay either. I just set up the setting and used dialogue lol.
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