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I really don't know where this started but i know that i felt left out even as a kid. I always had one or few friends in the course of growing up but i always felt lonely.
While i was turning 18 i started hanging with my old friends from childhood again and one of them gave my life a meaning. We both wanted to become musicians. So we started practicing, hanging out alot and just living in to this world.
I actually took it really seriously from day one and practiced almost everyday, it just made me feel so fucking good everytime i opened my mouth and started spilling my heart on to an instrumental.
But it always had a downside to it. I always tried to be so perfect.
Skipping ahead a year i still practiced but i suddenly realized that my motivation was my friends, family, everybody else. I wanted to be approved by them everytime i did something. I craved for feedback and i still do to this day.
I should mention that i've been single for 2yrs + now. And i also was then. I knew about gll so i wanted to give it a try. But it became just another problem for me.
I kept trying with tinder, i even approached few times but i always failed and felt miserable. I was insecure about my looks and i always tried to be perfect. Smoothly get laid but it never worked.
The point of this story is that whatever i do i never do it for myself. I always try to get approved by someone else by matching with just hottest chicks, sending my music to everybody for approval, starting projects just to tell that to someone.
I never do aything because of me and i feel like this is a big problem that needs to get fixed.
I've slowly started to hate myself for all the mistakes i've done. I'm constantly bashing myself after the need of approval. I can't even make music anymore just for fun, everything sounds forced bc i constantly think what others might think of this word etc. I get angry when people point out my flaws/mistakes or even mention what i've done before.
I'm regularly thinking of ending my life just because it feels much easier to be dead.
I hate giving up tho, i can't bc what others might think.
I really don't know the source of my problem but i fucking need to get out of my head. It's really fucking killing me. I even asked a professional once and she couldn't help me. I don't know what i'm expecting from here but GLL and Music once already gave me a motivation and a meaning, so...
I really don't know
My daily thoughts:
Fuck, i'm so stupid i did that
Damn, my nose looks so weird
How should i answer, how could i be funny or more interesting
Damn if i say this he/she might think that i'm a...
ETC... Everything i think starts with a "what if"
I know it sounds weak but tears are coming out of my eyes while writing this.
Yo dont sweat it so much. We all crave acceptance, approval, are scared of failure and have insecurities. Theres nothing wrong with you.
You sound very young and a lot of what youre going through is just a young teenage/adult brain and how it works. We all struggle to find our place.
I dont think its genuine when you say the only reason you do anything is acceptance from others. That very well may be a piece of it, maybe even a big piece. But it sounds like you enjoy music and shouldnt stop expressing yourself through that. Just be aware of your need for acceptance and try not to let it stop you from expressing how you really feel.
And honestly just because one professional cant help u out doesnt mean ur some lost cause. Thats one human being, besides what are you looking for another human to tell you, you want to put them on a pedestal and listen to what they think because you dont trust yourself.
I want to just be done with life sometimes too. Dont take things so seriously. Stop hanging onto negativity and failure, try to find things you like to do.
Im still working through a lot myself but healthy eating good sleep and exercise have helped me out a ton. Im looking into joining an improv class because Im in a new city and dont have any friends.
I look better than 90% of guys and work my ass off for it. I can get laid relatively consistently. It doesnt make me happy though. Nothing I do is ever gonna make me able to constantly fuck 9s, unless I were to somehow become famous.
Sometimes the simple things in life are what we need to make us happy. If you havent started approaching get ur shit together and start. Im not impervious to validation seeking or approval or weak thoughts, the difference is I acknowledge them and move through that shit and take axtion regardless
Don't forget there is a lot more than just SSRI's for medication, if that's something you want to consider.
- MAOis like Nardril (also lowers social anxiety, improves confidence and motivation)
- Kappa agonism (salvia) for anhedonia
- Stimulants like Dextroamphetamine
- Sarcosine + NAC
- Folinic acid (prescription dose, not otc dose)
and many more, so don't try one or two SSRI's and then think nothing can help you because there is lot's of other options out there. Drugs are serious business but they can help in many cases.
- By 2020: Reach 190lbs, <18% BF (@ 155lbs est. <10% BF)
- By 2020: Lift Goals: Bench - 270lb, 1 Arm Row - 150lb x 3, Leg Press - 450lb,
- Do some looks/edge maxing
- Start and complete the Going Out to Bars program
- (Done) Quit daily kratom
"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee." - Friedrich Nietzsche
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.