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THIS STORY IS OLD. I'm better than I was after posting this on a relationship forum some three weeks ago. I just want feedback here. When I posted this I was a manic wreck.
This girl and I talked for two weeks before we started actually dating for about a month. It was great, when we were together it was effortless. Our conversations went great over text and over the phone. She felt we were made for each other. She said I made her feel better about what she stressed about. She told me I did a good job of keeping her happy and did well at dealing with her moods and she appreciated it. She made me feel good about myself, she made me happy, I made mistakes and I had flaws but she stuck through them for me. I did the same for her.
One time when we were hanging out, she let "I love you" slip. I told her what she was worth to me and she did the same. She said I was worth a best friend and a partner, someone to love and cherish and be loved and cherished by, someone she could lean on and go day by day with, and someone who changed her mind about being alone.
But I guess expectations and needs were not fully communicated at the beginning of the relationship, even though the connection we had was in our energy. We could feed off of each other. She would see me when she could when she was on my side of town, and try to talk to me when she was busy at her cousins house helping take care of their kids. She'd make a willing effort to text me or talk on the phone with me when she could. I understood that she was busy and she understood I was busy too, because I have my own job and things to do as well, I didn't have nothing to do besides talk to her. But at one point, she was couped up in her cousins apartment with 10 other people, 4 young kids in that mix. She was STRESSED OUT.
I didn't realize and kept trying to get attention when she literally couldn't do it. So she said I needed to back off, it wasn't my fault, but I needed to let her breathe because it was stressing her out worrying about making me happy as well as herself. I respected it, told her I'd back off, and told her I was happy just being with her in the first place and to not worry about making me happy. I also said we'd take the relationship day by day and to think of me as her friend before her boyfriend. She appreciated it very much. So I gave her space, but she still hit me up when she could.
I asked if I was doing well at letting her breathe and she said yes, she just felt obligated to talk to me when she really couldn't. I said I understood and that she should never feel obligated to talk to me. She said I meant the world to her. The next night, unexpectedly, she made time to talk to me on the phone and told me it was good to hear my voice. But I still gave her her space.
Then one day, she told me after all day of not talking to me that she misses her "piece of shit" baby daddy. I said I understand and that it's human to miss someone. I told her I'm here to talk about it if she needs and to let me know what she wanted and to take time to think about it. At this point in time in missing a medication I take out of the two for bipolar, so I obsess over what she will decide all day. I was worried if she would want to stay with me or not. She hits me up the next day and it was wearing on my mind all day so I asked if she knew what she wanted. She said she couldn't handle the intensity of a committed relationship and she needs a break. I told her to take as much time as she needed for herself because she said she needed more time for herself.
She told me to call her for sex and to stay close friends because she didn't want another girl giving me that unless they made me happier than she did. I said okay, but it confused me. So the next day I over thought it. I over thought it to hell, so that night I questioned what she wanted. I told her how much I think of her and how I hoped she thought about me the same way. She responded negatively, wondering why I couldn't grasp what she wanted after a couple days and saying she literally didn't have any time to think about me that way, that's why she broke up with me.
She told me to stop over thinking, to grow up, and to be grown because I was gonna ruin it and she "couldn't do all this extra shit." At this point I think I started stressing her out more because my mania (legit bipolar disorder) made me over think and start thinking some of her posts on Facebook involved me in her thought process in posting them.
She posted "people who have done you wrong will forever think your posts are about them," even though she made it clear not all her posts were subliminal. I posted "stay away from people who make you feel like you're hard to love," and it was the only thing I posted that she liked that day. It started getting passive aggressive. I was torn between letting her come to me and hitting her up.
Eventually she told me she really, really can't do all of this. She told me, bottom line, that she could not uphold my needs in a relationship. She said we weren't right for each other and I was too soft for her and she was too hard, "too hood." So I said I understand, whatever makes you happy, and accepted the fate.
Here's where it gets really hairy.
All this time I was working on a self portrait. I showed her and she said, "that really looks good, BABY" (emphasis on the confusing pet name for the situation). But on Twitter, an app I don't use, she tweeted "how cocky do you have to be to draw a picture of your own selfie?" Even if it's a legitimate question, you're insinuating I'm cocky for my talent. She basically talked shit behind my back. So I blew up, the same morning I said "cool whatever makes you happy." I said some hurtful things. She said, "fuck you, I'm too grown to do that to you." Then she turned around and contradicted herself by attacking my insecurities, reasoning that "it needed to be said and heard" and "it would teach me a lesson so I may fix myself."
I said sorry for what I said and felt sorry for myself. But she said she wasn't sorry at all, even though what she said was far more fucked up. She told me to fuck off and get out of her life and I didn't hurt her at all. The next day I wanted her to admit she was wrong too and to have the humility to say sorry, but she refused and told me to fuck off again, that she was tired of dealing with me. She said she regrets nothing and told me to suck a dick. I told her she's too prideful to admit she's wrong.
Then, she called me, said she was done with me all together, that she didn't care about me anymore, and called me a bitch for having human emotions and my feelings being hurt so much. I want her to feel my pain, I want her to realize she's wrong, but I also think about how awesome it was with her and I have to fight talking to her.
I feel crazy thinking about maybe she'll apologize eventually and maybe we can start fresh once we've both grown individually. I'm in between "fuck her, she doesn't mean shit to me, I'm what matters and I won't let her win," and "I can't stop thinking I fucked up, I wish it didn't end like this, what changed so drastically?" My mental illness is not giving me any help.
I hope we can maybe associate again in the future but I also want to not care at all about her feelings or what she thinks and do my own thing. What do I do? I'm sorry this is a novel, but I'm on the brink right now and she doesn't seem to have any compassion and doesn't give two shits about what she did.
My bad on the lack of paragraphs. I'll edit it for future readers.
I'm assuming "oneitis" is seeing only one girl being right for me? I mean now I'm realizing she's definitely not for me as she has a bad reputation (ex-prostitute, drug addict, cheater) that precedes her.
My friends tried warning me about her, but I was too stupid and egotistical to listen. I should've banged and dipped out.
In regards to over-reacting, what are good ways to make yourself be non-reactive?
I'm moving on, I'm better than I was. Honestly that story is old, but I wanted feedback on it from members on here.
From how I am right now though, do you think the AA program would be useful or are there things I need to do before learning?
Your issues are beyond the scope of what we can fix here.
You've got to get a handle on your mental health before we can even talk about girls. This kind of obsession with a person you barely even know is not normal and could lead to severe problems down the road.
Being non-reactive is impossible if you have uncontrolled bipolar disorder.
Thanks for everything you guys. It's time for me to move on to bigger things!
I take meds but I don't think they're the right ones.
I guess I'll just use this place for PE and workout stuff.
I'll have to figure out how to not think about it so much.
Cause I still do.
Bro, first off, please please make your future posts shorter, like don't go off quoting every single thing that was said because it makes posts that much longer.
I'll give my 2 cents since I was in a somewhat similar relationship with a somewhat similar girl.
I don't know why you keep saying you're "legit bipolar", literally everything you say you did that makes you "legit bipolar" is what ALL guys have done at one point or another, this is what happens when you are a girl's bitch, but that's not all. Clearly, neither of you had better prospects for a relationship, so you two had to make do with each other, this is what happens when you put two people who are resented towards everything: a toxic relationship. Most resentful people are that way because of a lack of focus, they don't know what they want out of life and they see their lives slip by without accomplishing anything (because they are just so unfocused) and become resentful, obviously, they are not going to admit it, but from my own experience, that's how it usually goes.
Right now, this girl is probably having her brains fucked out by some other guy who's probably not her bitch, and she's now using you as a way to let go of her anger, when the other guy dumps her, she'll try to get you back, obviously, don't take her, actually, stop all forms of communication with her RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. DON'T TRY TO BE A WHITE KNIGHT, right now you're rationalizing why you shouldn't give up on her, you do this because you have no real-life dating experience and because you're lazy and don't take action towards getting your dating life handled (that's alright, we've all been there, that's what this forum is about), but you damn well know this girl is a lost cause and that her ways are not what you deserve.
As I said, what you say makes you bipolar is what we have ALL done at one point (which doesn't makes us bipolar), this is because at one point we have ALL thought we can do better but we only had one or two prospects for a relationship so we eventually got mad and that can take many forms including insulting and ghosting the other person for seemingly no reason.
Like BIB said, you need to get a hold of yourself, I disagree with him in that I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with you, your "bipolarity" sounds more like a symptom and not the actual problem which is probably why you feel like the medication you're taking is not working for you.
I'd do what cool guy said, but I want to over-emphazise THERE'S NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU, take for example the many many people who have intrusive thoughts about grabbing a kid and throwing it against an incoming train or raping a teenager in the ass or interrupting their pastor in church and carve a swastika into his forehead while chanting an incantation to dark gods or some shit, THAT SHIT IS NORMAL, it's not ideal, but it's normal (as long as it doesn't cross the line between fantasy and reality), the problem is that our white fence 2.5 kids obssesed society likes to point out how ANYTHING that slightly deviates from social boundaries is wrong and needs to be treated with meds.
I already learned that I was a pushover for this girl because I had lack of focus and already was resentful towards everything, having not been happy with myself for a while anyways. She was too so you're right that we had to make due with each other.
But my mental disorder is no just a symptom or self-manifested mumbo jumbo.
Before any medication I'd go several months in crippling, self-isolating depression. Not interested in my hobbies. Not interested in anything.
Then a month of doing whatever the hell I felt like on a whim. Partying every other night getting wasted. Skating long distances at random.
My biological mom had bipolar, and was homeless. BPD is a disorder a good majority of the homeless have.
So it wasn't the reason it went wrong, that was me being her "bitch" like you put it and the fact the relationship was toxic and we're not made for each other, but I'm saying the BPD didn't help.
I see what you mean by I an rationalizing wanting her back cause I'm denying she's a lost cause, but it's not like she's the first girl I've dated. Granted she was the first one in a while, and I shouldn't have tried since I don't know myself, but I'm not sure where you get I have "no real-life dating experience."
I haven't contacted her at all since then. I'm not gonna take her back. I'm working on accomplishing things.
How do I not be a girl's bitch again and not feel sorry about that I was (like you put it) with this one?
SCexton95 wrote: but I'm not sure where you get I have "no real-life dating experience."
Sorry, I meant to say "not much real-life dating experience" not none at all. Anyway, it all boils down to having options, if you had had more options you probably wouldn't have bothered with this one girl regardless of your experience, you also don't become any girl's bitch when you have more options that are around the same level of beauty.
As I said, I doubt there's anything inherently wrong with you, I might be wrong obviously, but that's what I think based on what you posted.
If I were you this is what I'd do:
End goal: complete the aa program
1st. check with other doctors (not the one that diagnosed you)
2nd. try natural complementary therapies (yoga, meditation, bach flower remedies)
3rd. definitely have some sort of physical activity that you like and doesn't stress you out like playing some sport that you enjoy.
Once you have your disorder in check, start the aa program and don't do anything else until you complete it.
I think PE is the least of your problems right now, it's ok to start PE if sticking to it doesn't drain you as you should be focusing all your energy into getting a hold of yourself and ultimately completing the aa program.
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Kratom is next!
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