TOPIC: Thoughts on being an actual bad person (asshole)

I'm what you would call a "self-aware nice guy". Meaning, I used to say about myself that I'm a nice guy, and hence girls are not interested in me, but then I realized it's much deeper (and now I laugh at guys who say this nice guy shit). Like a lot of "nice guys", I'm actually an opportunistic asshole who has his nice/good moments.

A lot of people tell me I'm such a good guy, or that I look like one. I was even called "husband material" based on my photos I posted here in this forum.

The point is, I don't feel that way at all. I really dislike people in general. I used to be the kind of guy like JD from Scrubs. That was back when I studied medschool. I really tried hard to be a nice person, I had to force myself though before it came naturally.

Then I quit medschool and since then, I've been fighting with myself.

It's not like I wanna kill someone or steal or something like that. I'm talking about stuff like, call your mom when she has birthday. I think I did that twice in my life, and only because I felt bad that I never do this stuff. Or talk to your grandma (I'm a real asshole when I talk to her - like, vulgar even - and then I feel bad afterwards, when she leaves). I don't dodge when I'm on the sidewalk, I just push into people and then get angry that they didn't dodge. I hate when I have to be nice to someone I don't really like, for example, at work - i silently hate a lot of people.

With that said, I am really nice to people I actually care about. There are like, 5 of them in this world.

I also have a lot of regrets wheneve Im bad to someone. It usually leads to me then being extremely nice to everyone for a while, and then again return to being an asshole when I get angry because of something minor.

Don't get it wrong, I'm not some misanthropic emo guy. I am actually quite friendly and cool in general (I think). The problem is just that I have many of these small quirks, that add up during the day and I become angry/self-hateful extremely fast. It usually takes a couple of hours and some self-reflection for me to get back to normal.

I believe there are a couple of reasons for this (of course, if I ignore stuff like how I was brought up etc, basically Freud shit) - from experience, what has helped me with this in the past year:

1/ starting AA program (I believe some of my frustrations and aggression come from the fact that I cant get girls I like, so subconciously this helps me get relaxed)

2/ getting lots of sleep (I have a lot of sleep deprivation so probably some chemical stuff makes me anxious/depressed)

3/ generally going out (I spent last few months closed at home because of school, I dont even go out on dates, so I feel kind of "dark" when Im outside with people - I know it was much better 2 years ago when I just chilled outside by the river and went to concerts/food fests, just enjoyed life in general)

4/ limit porn or masturbation (this is without discussion, but unfortunately, due to the combination of everything else, I stay home and since I dont have anyone, I get kind of weak and horny and I dont even try resisting the urge)

5/ limit playing PC games, watching TV shows and generally wasting time (I get pissed off since I am procrastinating and I dont have time for that because of full time job + part time university, which leads to me having no time for going out and talking to girls, which leads to all this other shit)

6/ limit eating unhealthy (I eat McDonalds, pizza and all this shit X times in the week, because I dont have time + energy to eat properly, and basically "Fuck it" mentality)

7/ bonus broscience: since I haven't had time to actually date girls in the past year, I have been extensively using Tinder and Facebook to message them. I have a LOT of contacts, but I never went out with anyone. the girls I have actually been interested in (seriously) were not interested in me in the end. I have 200 new friends on facebook though. what Im getting at is, maybe my frustration has come from this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness - again, because of lack of time

So, I dont even know why Im writing this, guess I wanna hear your thoughts or if you went through the same thing and how you got out.

I got out 1 year ago by fighting all the stuff I mentioned above, and then it just went easily by itself, I had girls and good time and a genuine smile on my face, and I liked people. I felt a bit like a fuckboy, but a cool one. Now I feel like a genuine asshole. I dont have time to fight it or energy, basically everything fell apart because I joined university and I dont have the willpower for anything else anymore.

In addition, do you guys think that it's a turnoff for girls, when they see a guy is an asshole like that (and is not hiding it, like the "niceguys"). What if Im an asshole and I become comfortable with it. Can I still get hot girls if I am attractive/cool otherwise? I dont believe it, even Chris mentions to be a "scumbag" not an "asshole". But its my natural state.

I dont wanna be a bad person, I really hate it, but I dont know how to fight it. I think its a part of my personality and it has been since I was a child (my parents were always okay with me being an asshole to everyone ... I never got slapped, maybe once)

.

Very well said and thoughtful post.

I can definitely relate to how you feel. I found this quote by C.S Lewis super true:

"When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse he understands his own badness less and less. A moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is all right. This is common sense, really. You understand sleep when you are awake, not while you are sleeping. You can see mistakes in arithmetic when your mind is working properly: while you are making them you cannot see them. You can understand the nature of drunkenness when you are sober, not when you are drunk. Good people know about both good and evil: bad people do not know about either.”

You are on the right path. Try performing a simple act of kindness everyday for someone without expectations of getting something in return. It will feel so good you will naturally gravitate towards those decisions.

TL;DR.

Being an asshole comes from a scarcity mindset, a lot of girls will confuse you for being a confident bastard but truth is you are hiding your insecurities by putting other people down. Eventually this will explode in your face because probabily you will end up attracting super unhealthy girls.

There is a saying "You attract what you are" and that is completly true. Your surroundings are a mirror of what you are. If you are a drug addict, probabily most of your friends will be in that circle.

Hence, the solution of this is to delete your insecurities from the root. I promise you happiness with this method.

Letting go by David Hawkins touches on this topic nicely. Short book to read. Def. recommended.

Dekk

Don't be an asshole but also don't be some nice guy loser. As Chris says, be a GOOD GUY.

I was a nice guy loser before, I was called husband material and I HATED it. I ended up becoming an asshole because of it and made that girl who called me husband material choke on her tears in her sleep lol (not really, but she was very upset at the things I did thanks to her provoking me)

I was also an arrogant douche bag and honestly I don't recommend that either. It turns lots of girls off and guy friends know you aren't a reliable person.

Be a good guy, be charming and show people what they want to see. That being said, you can still be a douche deep down, just don't show it. NEVER BE A BETA WEAK NICE GUY THOUGH. ABSOLUTE WORST.

I didn't have the patience to read through the whole thing but everything that I glanced at are things I can identify with. Personally I don't wanna play any roles anymore. I just try to display the good qualities in myself and not act on the bad ones. There's multiple sides to every man and you choose which ones you want to show. However, that is not the same as pretending to be something you're not.

To add up. Most of the people that are on this forum, also most of the people who are into picking up women and self-improvement have some childhood trauma.

By childhood trauma It doesn't necessarily mean sexual abuse or similar, it can be subtle things like strict parents, being laughed off at school and so on.

Take for example strict parents. You grow up like a normal kid and try to chase women to compensate that rejection from your parents. You try to seek love in women, sex, drugs, money, career, gym...etc. You will notice that no matter how many girls you lay, you will never feel happy. Hence is important to remove the problem from the root.

I can't emphasize this enough.

I recommend meditation man, and therapy if you can afford it. Meditation is not a long term fix, but it slowly helps you sort things out. It's good to find a meditation group. I'm trying to quit watching porn too, as I have no women in my life, so porn has taken that role.

Doing more exercise is great too. I think making your health a priority (both physical and mental/emotional) will help you develop more self respect.

Do you like your job?

Thanks guys.

soup_cook: I'm not gonna do therapy. Meditation is pretty cool though, but just for getting chilled after, not for prevention. Porn I totally agree, it's one of my points^ and I just committed today to no porn and masturbation no more than once in 3 days. Will make that 1 week if I can.

Exercise has been one of my top goals now, I go to the gym every 2-3 days. Maybe I'm getting angry because even though I see finally results, I see all around me people saying that muscle won't help with women anyway. And yet, all the hot girls I know are with guys who have hot bodies. And the hottest girl I had a date with rejected me while saying that she likes buff military dudes. So there has to be something there. Im just kinda sick of all the bullshit around everything, its really hard to know what is true today. Everyone is an expert and has an opinion (wrong one) and forces it on you

Yeah man my job is pretty cool. Actually, I just got promoted from my old position which wasn't so good (had a great team, I was the team leader, and I loved them, but the job itself wasn't for me, now I'm doing business analysis so I can use my IT 1337 skillz. It's def more rewarding). Then again, with my new job I don't talk to people as much as I used to do in sales, and also the new team kinda sux. They are mostly boring serious adult people with families or sleazy salesmen. Some exceptions tho. Actually, maybe you have a good point. Even though I like the job itself, I was a bit depressed from losing my team. I don't really have people to talk to anymore and really connect with (outside of the internetz). Gotta start the AA program again.

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On a tangent (maybe not really): Today I had a slight revelation, cause in the gym, I was working out in a room alone and suddenly a cute girl came there, smelt really nice and she was Korean or something. It was like I got a signal from some higher power to go talk to her. We were silently working out next to each other for 5 minutes, she even slightly closed the door so no one would hear me talk to her. Everything was perfect. And I didn't approach anyway. I didn't know what I would say. I didn't even feel anxiety, I didn't feel anything. I just knew that I'm gonna leave anyway and not try it. And I left.

When I got out, I realized that this is the yearly shit I've been dealing with last spring as well. It's just after the winter, where I'm just comfortably closed at home the whole time. And I forgot everything I learnt. I need to stop PMO and start AA again. It's gonna get my selfconfidence back up and I can live again and feel like a man.

Everything was perfect. And I didn't approach anyway. I didn't know what I would say. I didn't even feel anxiety, I didn't feel anything. I just knew that I'm gonna leave anyway and not try it. And I left.

-Basic approach anxiety scenario. When your mind doesn't know what to say you are trying to find something to tell her so that she can give you a GOOD REACTION. Basically you have expectations. And when you're expectations are not met which will happen a lot of times in game, you will suffer more and more.

Moral of the story: Don't think about what you going to say, just jump in the pool and everything will come automatic and for your suprise everything will be more spontaneous because you have no agenda in mind.

Big in Japan wrote: Maybe I'm getting angry because even though I see finally results, I see all around me people saying that muscle won't help with women anyway.

You would do well to remember that those people are likely in denial. They will force their opinions on you, because that's the only way they can cope with themselves being non-muscular. They are suffering and feel the need to assert their opinions strongly so that they could get validation from others, because deep inside they feel unworthy for not having muscles.

I would definitely still be a virgin were it not for my physique, because no one has ever given a shit about me for who I am. It's only my physique that ever mattered to girls, and they merely tolerated me to be able to get my body.