TOPIC: I can't get rid of this feeling

Anyone else feel like it's difficult just getting from one moment to the next? I find it so hard to focus on anything for more than a few seconds or minutes before my brain bombards me with negative thoughts. I contemplate suicide constantly. I can't stop thinking about how much I hate myself and how much i just want my own brain to leave me in peace. I don't know what to do about it. I lack the energy and motivation to change despite my desire to. I find the thought of getting from one day to the next uncomfortable.

I'm not passionate about anything and the things I used to be able to lose myself in, video games, shows, YouTube, weightlifting, are no longer cathartic enough to distract me from self loathing thoughts and urges of self annihilation. I'm unemployed and I know I should get a job but I was also miserable a few years back when I was working.

I started meditating again today since I'm following the TJ Nelson's Dominate Depression program, but I had tried that in the past with no results since it's boring and it has no carry over to the rest of my day when I'm not meditating. My thoughts flit back and forth between anger and despair most of the time. I feel like I have no free will, Like I'm a train on a track unable to deviate from the predetermined destination. I know that's not a good way to feel, especially if I'm writing about it on a site dedicated to self improvement via taking control of your own life. But it seems to me like people who manage to do that were either born that way or raised that way and I unfortunately was neither.

I apologize for this post and being such a complainer. My previous post, titled 'I don't know what else to do', was locked and I really needed to vent, not that it helps.

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Ya, there are times I feel I need to fuck someone up really bad to release anger and rage, stress, whenever something feels like an injustice or unfair