TOPIC: I don't know what else to do.

I don't even know where to begin...

First let me say that I apologize for this long ass sob story. I know that billions on this planet have it much worse than me.

I'm 29 years old going on thirty in May. As long as I remember I have always been a very negative person, even as a child. I didn't have any friends until I was twelve.

I started lifting weights when I was fourteen going on fifteen and still lift(15 years). I'm not very big and strong considering the years I've been training(180lbs 315 max bench/squat, 425 deadlift). As I got older I lost interest in the few friends I had and started slowly cutting them from my life because I felt/feel that we have nothing to offer each other as far as growth, empowerment, knowledge, motivation etc. I was a virgin until the age of twenty-two when I got fed up and finally hired an escort. In my twenties I fucked nothing but escorts because i was afraid of rejection, felt like a loser, and was/am insecure about my penis size(5.75 in. length by 4.9 in. girth).

I stumbled across this site in November of 2016 and it gave me hope. I started doing PE again(Bathmate, extenders, Bib Hanger) after my inconsistent attempt with the Size Genetics Extender in my early twenties(I haven't seen any permanent gains yet but it's only been four months). I cut back on carbs losing nine pounds of body fat in the process(no six pack, close, but the rest of my body is ripped), upgraded my wardrobe, started getting haircuts(used to just shave my head with a buzzer), and upgraded my bed from a twin size which I slept on my whole life to a king size in anticipation of getting women into it.

My problem lies in success in general and my mindset specifically.

After I graduated from high school twelve years ago I did one semester in Montclair State and dropped out on academic probation. Afterwards I worked entry level jobs, mostly temporary positions, and collected unemployment for as long as possible whenever I was laid off. I tried to become a police officer but failed the psychological evaluation. I spent the majority of my time playing video games and harbored a strong Skyrim and modding addiction between 2011 and 2014.

I have been unemployed for over six years. I live with my parents(both around 76 years old/mother is bedridden with Alzheimer's disease) and have no motivation to get a job. Five years ago I started turning down job opportunities in the hopes that I would win the lottery which I played at the time(don't anymore), or that my bodybuilding/writing dreams would come true. after eight months I quite bodybuilding(didn't have the mindset, hated eating so much, didn't want to use drugs, was running out of money etc.). I continued playing the lottery and writing until I finally came to accept that I would never win the lottery and finally quit.

I have kept writing, and in all these years, have been unable to finish one story. I either get bored of it or find that it's not good enough and trash it. i have a stimulant addiction and find it difficult to get through the day without some form of caffeine(pre-workouts preferred). I tell myself that I use stimulants to be productive but the reality is that I produce nothing. The only thing I have been consistent in is weight training, and now PE since I started, but my genetics are mediocre and there are no career paths for me there. i have no motivation to be a personal trainer or anything like that. I have considered the military but can't get myself to pull the trigger. My relationship with my family is strained because they are all elderly, illiterate people with bad communication skills who see me as a disappointment and don't understand why I don't work. Worst of all, i still have approach anxiety(though not as bad as it was before GLL) and almost everything I do is in some way shape or form is either geared towards getting female validation which I have never received, or trying to escape the pain of being an insignificant failure through escapism(fantasy writing, video games, stimulant euphoria, binge watching personal development videos on YouTube).

I have taken generic Lexapro for depression and anxiety a few years ago but it didn't work for me. I have no medical insurance. I have been contemplating suicide since I was nineteen due to feelings of inadequacy(small penis, broke, mediocre genetics, inability to pull the trigger and get my shit together). I purchased the items necessary to make an exit bag a few months bag.(Google exit bag/suffocation if you don't know what that is) I have recently blocked the numbers of the few friends I had because when I talk to them i have the tendency to complain about my life. They are also losers who have given up on their goals and harbor some form of addiction. I have spent my twenties trying to fix myself to no avail. I have never posted on any other forum, ever. I'm hoping this makes a difference though I doubt it will.

Sorry for the long post of negativity.

first, i'm just slightly disappointed that this was posted roughly 5 days ago and no one's even bothered replying. i'm not as active in GLL anymore as i used to be back in 2014/5, but this was such a helpful community back then

second, what's your height/ethnicity ? if you are white and over 5'5, you can still smash if you move to Asia. asian/filipina chicks always looking for white boys, personally i hate the underlying racism/superiority complex but hey if it works for you, just steer clear of the gold diggers

third, i'm jealous that you actually have a lot of time on your plate, ever since i got into law school i've had so little time to do things for myself ( penis ehnancement, gym, talking to girls, other hobbies, etc) heck the reason why i'm even here right now when i should be studying is bec i'm going through a phase myself. point is, you should use this time to do productive things. gym, penis enhancement, talk to girls, get a PRODUCTIVE/social hobby (drop the games. I speak with authority, bec i used to be addicted to games/dota/steam whatever but just got bored with em fortunately). i dunno learn a language, go wall-climbing, learn how to cook, go to the beach ,travel, learn how to play a guitar, mate i would give anything for it to be summer break already and get back to doing fun activities

fourth, keep reading GLL

good luck

I agree with Alejandro but to an extent, this was a helpful community back then... the problem today is that there's too little people getting real results and killing it... and a big bunch of people asking for help. It was more balanced before.

Gio, I see you have problems with motivation, drugs, not working... so after reading your post... this is what I would do if I was in your position:

First, we want you to feel better with yourself. Forget about girls for now. Remember that NO ONE IS GOING TO SAVE YOU, as hard as this sounds.
People can show you the way... but it's up to you to take the decisions and do the grunt work.

So, again, forget about girls. We don't you to have more drama.

My first recommendation is that you focus on feeling better, and how do you do that?

- Read this, APPLY IT: www.gll-getalife.com/get-success/how-to-stop-being-negative (this is to remove negativity from your life)

- Find your culture, you group of people. Reading this might help you: badassu.net/summary/
You say you like writing, that's great! find courses, or communities of writers... and connect with them. (this is to feel better and gain some motivation, you will also stop feeling disconnected) (this is also to gain some new friends)

- You say you like writing... start applying for jobs online on Upwork, Fiverr... 30daystox.com/how-to-become-a-freelance-writer/ (this is to gain money, some confidence... and eventually moving out of your house)

And most importantly... give it a year!!! stay consistent for ONE WHOLE YEAR! even if you don't see results at first... these things take time. If you are consistent you will start getting results.

In about 6 months you will start feeling better, and in a year you will be much better.
If you do all of this and apply all of your efforts, the best case scenario in a year is going to be:

- You will be a positive person
- You will have new friends in your life
- You will feel better
- You will have money of your own, probably able to move out of your house

After that... you can probably start thinking about solving your girl and relationship problems... but one thing at a time mate!! ok??

Best of luck

I don't really like writing, I started doing it because I didn't/don't believe I could do anything else and I made the mistake of thinking it was easier than it actually is. I wanted to find a way to make money without having to work because due to strong work aversion I can't cut it as an employee. I started because I thought it was convenient. I can't do it consistently. I feel like I need stimulants in order to concentrate while I do it because i find it difficult and tedious. i don't believe anything can make me a positive person. if I was able to muster up the motivation to get anything done I wouldn't have started posting on GLL. I honestly feel like it might be my destiny to commit suicide. I don't like it, I want to change it, but my brain won't cooperate with me. I honestly don't know what the fuck I was looking for on here, maybe some kind of miracle technique I had never heard of that helps you to make yourself do what you feel you can't and don't want to, or maybe some form of confirmation that my situation is not hopeless, but rather so difficult to get out of, that the work necessary to fix it would not be worth the reward of having it fixed. i have thin skin and a weak mind. unfortunately i think that people like me were meant to be weeded out.

Before you kill yourself just do something for me, ok?

Buy this: dominatedepression.com/six-weeks-dominate-depression/ , I bought it a couple months ago and was very helpful for me. It will help you to quit stimulants.

Follow the steps laid there, REALLY FOLLOW THEM.

Apply it and you will start to feel better.

After you feel better... you can follow the steps I gave to you or do whatever you want, you will feel a lot better and motivated to do things anyway.

Really follow the program, AJ went though similar things (no motivation to work, negativity, stimulants...) and he managed to fix his depression.

Now go do it.

I've been following the six week dominate depression program and honesty it's not much different from the things I was already doing. It doesn't seem to be working unless it is and I just don't know it yet. I fantasize about suicide a lot nowadays. In the past I would contemplate suicide whenever I felt overwhelmed by emotional/psychological pain, which was once every couple of months. But now it seems like I think about it from the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep even if I'm not in any emotional pain.

I feel like life is really just a series of addictions and distractions that we use to keep ourselves from dying.

I want to get laid because I desire the temporary pleasure and validation I would get from it. I consume stimulants because I crave the temporary euphoria I gain from them. I play a video game for the temporary dopamine release it gives when you level up or complete an objective. I lift weights because of the endorphin release and feeling of productivity after a good workout. Despite a low carb diet I'll occasionally give in and eat pizza or pasta, especially if I'm depressed, for the temporary mouth pleasure I get from those foods. If you took away these things, I wouldn't want to live at all. Yet so far these things are the only things keeping me alive. But I know I cannot continue to live FOR those things because those things alone are not worth the pain of living.

My brain wants me to die, and it harbors this desire without my permission. I don't like it, yet from a rational perspective, I find it hard to disagree with it's wishes despite my resistance to them. I feel like I have nothing to live for. The only reason I'm alive right now is because when I tried to use the exit bag, my limbs started tingling as they fell asleep and I panicked. My anxiety, one of the culprits of my depression I'm sure, might have just kept me from self destruction due to the discomfort involved, without eliminating the original desire to die.

I wonder if I'm just waiting for things to get bad enough that my desire to escape the darkness is greater than the discomfort of the suicide process. I hope not. But if I'm honest, I sincerely feel this is the truth as ugly and depressing as it is.

I don't mean to vent so hard, or to seem so resilient to help, but I have to get these things off my chest to a community I know and trust even if it makes no difference in the end.

Depression is caused by not working. By working, I mean keeping your mind busy so you're not dwelling on your own depression, which makes it a never ending thing. Keeping your mind busy is work.

Things like writing, reading incessantly and philosophizing is not considered to be work, regardless if you get paid to do them or not. This is a big part of the reason why writers, artists, and philosophers are often alcoholics who die from suicide or they abuse drugs their entire life.

You have to make goals and achieve them, and you have to never stop making goals and achieving them. You have to be busy at all times.

That is the cure to depression.

People with depression are pretty much always people who are either over-worked and see no way out because they have no leisure time, have nothing going on in their life at all because they have no goals and all they do is think, and the small minority of people have clinical depression caused by imbalances which are probably super rare.

If I were you. I would 1) get a part-time job so you have less time to dwell on your problems and 2) finish the AA program.

Start applying to jobs using Kijiji every day. Send out 5 applications per day. It will take you 5 minutes per day.

Then, head out every day and finish the AA drills.

After that, we'll talk to you about what to do next.

Post pictures of what your style looks like so we can make sure that you won't scare any women away by the way you look.

So this is what your day should look like for the next little while:

1) wake up
2) send out 5 resumes through Kijiji
3) go to gym
4) AA drills
5) P.E.
6) Leisure activity like video games, or jerking off. It doesn't matter.

Post some pictures so we have a better way of helping you.

I highly agree with Rousseau. Depression is usually either a) working too much, no free time or b) not working, too much free time.

What is making you unhappy? Do the steps it takes to fix what is making you unhappy.

I would think this is a very good realization, because once you realize and accept this, you understand that this is under your control. It will probably be hard to beat your depression, but I think it will definitely be worth it.

Sorry to hear that Gio, I don't know what to tell you.

I hope you feel better soon .

BTW have you tried the natural supplements and all of that? I'm surprised none of that advice worked for you... =(

No offense Mariano, but fuck supplements.

Get to work buddy, you can do it.