TOPIC: No proper friends. Am I emotionally unhealthy?

Hey gang,

The first thing I am going to say is that I know the problem lies with me. I used to be in a bad place and have come leaps and bounds since then, due to hard work.

I know I am better looking than the average guy. I am always popular in the workplace or amongst groups. Everyone likes me.... yet I have no proper friends. I have a couple of chums at work whom are my 'friends' but we don't really communicate outside of work. I read something Chris had written which said if you have no friends you are emotionally unhealthy. I think that is very true.

I have improved my confidence, self esteem, looks and social skills remarkably but things are still not ideal. I never had any practice in making friends growing up. I always waited for friends to come to me. I'm fairly sure that people around me think I am this super awesome social god with friends everywhere, but it's not the case. Everyone else seems happily married to their own social circles and I feel like this bundle of energy that keeps bouncing between them all with no place to fit in.

Life's good but there are still potholes that need to be filled. Despite me practicing relentlessly, I think there have been certain social skills that have been completely neglected and are still at socially awkward low self esteem shy depressed loser level.

I am currently working on my interactions with girls, but I cannot neglect friendship, as I find myself craving that just as much if not more.

I don't know what I am asking really, but would love to have a discussion with a few of the dudes on this site to hear your views on my situation.

(P.S what I love about this site is that everyone actually wants to help each other)

Maybe in order to answer your question you need to ask yourself WHY you have no "proper" friends, and then once you have an idea think to yourself "am I ok with this? Is this who I want to be right now? Am I on the right path?"

As someone who for years had (and still has tbh) a problem making NEW friends/turning acquaintances that even show interest in friendship INTO friends, I understand where you're coming from

Mike Cernovich has a video about - I actually turned it off at one point because I 'felt gay' lol, but it's a realistic thing.
Main points: actually do what you want to be doing and if you see a guy you'd think would make a cool friend talk to him

For me, because of my 'flat affect' - I'm kind of just 'turned off' in life if I'm not comfortable. I have a lot of preconceptions about what's appropriate whereas when I'm with my friends I'm just me.

Basically it comes down to the whole concept of giving yourself permission, and this carries over to how I act toward women. I think once I develop social freedom and continue to give myself permission in all environments I develop friendships with people I haven't known for years and actually have feelings for girls that aren't my ex (who I've known for years)

Note feelings are for my own enjoyment, not looking to settle down soon/never looking to be monogamous for too long

Don't beat yourself up over this. Making friends is tough, there is a reason that 90% of people have the same small group of friends their whole life and rarely make new friends.

As your out hitting on girls, talking to people, invite everyone back to your place for your party. Girls will show up, sometimes only one random dude will show up. Be open, entertain the people that show up. Perhaps you make some friends.

Get some hobbies and make friends that way.

- I hope this helps.

I think you need to open up a little bit with people who you think might make good friends. Waxing philosophical or about more serious life topics like difficulty dating, making friends, etc... strengthens a friendship more than just making small talk with coworkers. Try inviting people to hang out and then share something meaningful to you, maybe a secret or a story or something. Some people may not take well, fuck them. Other people will reciprocate, these people make for the best friends I think.

Just my two cents, I tend to get close with people I open up to

www.amazon.com/Its-Not-All-About-Techniques-ebook/dp/B0060YIBLK


this and the classic Dale Carnegie "How to win Friends and Influence People" should help at least a bit.

Sgt.Red wrote: I think you need to open up a little bit with people who you think might make good friends. Waxing philosophical or about more serious life topics like difficulty dating, making friends, etc... strengthens a friendship more than just making small talk with coworkers. Try inviting people to hang out and then share something meaningful to you, maybe a secret or a story or something. Some people may not take well, fuck them. Other people will reciprocate, these people make for the best friends I think.

Just my two cents, I tend to get close with people I open up to

This... the opportunity to express vulnerability is paramount to forming trust

Hey bro,

It's better to take care of your friendship needs first. Bros first, who will support ya and you hang out with regularly (on the daily). It'll make interacting with girls so much easier, cuz girls like socially free guys and if you can be socially free with your bros then you can be socially free with the girls you meet easier

my 2 cents

Thanks for the responses guys. Really great to hear what you have to say.

I'll give you an update. The friend situation has gotten a little better. I realise that I just need to be a little bit proactive about it and that people are open for friendship. It looks like for the time being I am going to build up a very scattered friend ship group. No actual crew just a single friend here, and another friend there sort of thing. I got to start somewhere.

You may meet your friends everythere - you just start group studying of what you like or want to know better.
Friends - group with the same interests, they may talk long hours and time runs out.
Good luck, man!!

How old are you OP?im mid 30s Znd its very hard making new friends..I have good social skills and social freedom but I lack the ability or capacity(?) to just sit around and hang out, just socialize with people..the key to maintaining friendships is just simply hanging out with people at their house or a restaurant talking about small things..this is my weakness as im very introverted..it's very draining..what are your hobbies OP?it doesn't help me in that most of my hobbies are solitRy and I don't like the bar scene