TOPIC: Very Lost

Legendary wrote: Well... here I am.
Not really that certain how to explain myself but i'll do my best.

Basically the reason i'm here is i've been a lurker of Chris' youtube channel and on this forum.
I'm 26 years old, 2 days ago i called a suicide hotline which i've never done before. I pulled over in the middle of traffic and looked it up on my phone. I was having very very serious thoughts about putting a bullet into my brainstem. I also have other outlets for ending this existence as I have thought them out in detail if the time does come where I'm out.

As awful as this sounds let me explain,
When I hit about 19 years old, my best friend overdosed on narcotic pills, he layed braindead in a hospital bed for over a week while his parents begged god that he would come back. I knew better.
After that something in me snapped, i looked at this world as a much different place. It was not much fun anymore. I found myself having a hard time to truly enjoy myself. Idk how else to describe it but this undertone has stuck with me for about 7 years.
I'm not blaming i'm just telling you my experience.

I've been in college for about 7 years as well. Attempting to finish a bachelors degree. Idk who the fuck takes that long to do a 4 year degree but here I am. I'm actually in the middle of a semester as we speak (what could be my last one as i'm almost finished) but my classes are not going that well. I'm taking a heavy class load as I thought i could handle it but that's definitely not the case. I've got maybe one class i'm passing the other's i'm not. I might be able to get the grades up but when I really have given up it's hard to find that motivation. I have been diagnosed with ADD and did take meds for about 2 years; during this time my grades were heading up and I was having delusions of grandeur that maybe some day I would be something i'd dreamed of. Then one day I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair was thinning out a bit. Blamed in on the ADD meds and stopped them cold turkey, slept for about a week straight as my CNS recovered and went back to the way it was before.

I have no had a girlfriend or sex in a few years. I've read books about relationships and watched some of the pickup stuff on here and other you tube channels but just really don't care. There are a few girls in classes that i'd planned on getting their numbers but as my grades and chances of passing decline so does my view on myself and with that goes what confidence I had in asking for numbers.

I just recently moved out of my parents house to live with a friend, he's a good guy. No complaints there. It did not fix anything as I hoped it would. Big surprise right?

I used to train seriously in the gym but about 4 years ago; during the peak of my serious lifting and dieting my trainer blew his brains out with a shotgun. Was a wonderful time in my life as I looked up for him and he was the one who introduced me to meditation and other eastern trains of thought. After that i've never had the same drive to be fit or add muscle mass to my frame.

Here I am. This is what i've become; I'm to the point where i have no fucking clue if i'm going to snap and just end it. I do think about it a lot and I have several options. I'm not making this a final message. I'm just looking for some advice from maybe someone who can relate.

Thanks for reading.

Legendary wrote: Kratom looks interesting, I'm not so sure it's for me though.

Legendary wrote: I believe what you're referring to is that the minds EGO will never be satisfied, it is always looking for something/wanting more. One of the main ideas behind being "present" or in a meditative state is to take the ego out of the picture and appreciate what is.

I can agree with your statement on psychology being fkd up as i went to a shrink for over 2 years and after much arguing with me he just wanted me on meds. I said I can tell you that i'm not deficient in ecitalopram or any of those compounds.