TOPIC: Ted's post MDMA therapy session log (and now LSD) (PTSD, BPD etc)

I have a borderline personality and dissociative disorder from childhood trauma, PTSD from near suicide and MDD from living with all this shit and getting sick of it all. Last night my entire world fell apart.

This is a very specific protocol and not just "get high and be happy". If anyone has an emotionally traumatic past, or if you ask yourself "does it count" (it probably does), I recommend you check it out.
www.maps.org/research/mdma/
www.maps.org/research/mdma/MDMA-Assisted..._Version_6_FINAL.pdf

reset.me/podcast/rachel-hope/

(btw the thing about the protocol is that MDMA is a very forgiving drug for talking about deep shit. It's not like proper psychedelics where the wrong word can set you off down a dark path. You will be able to identify when your friend is saying something not helpful and the drug will give you the balls to point that out, so all your friend really needs is to let you lead and be reasonably compliant. I have no doubt an experienced underground therapist will provide the best experience but it's not necessary and poor value)

So day 1: I feel like everything I have ever believed in is a lie, that I crammed 5 years of therapy into 5 hours and somehow forgave so many of my perpetrators. According to Pete Walker on recovery from C-PTSD, recovery happens in the following stages: acceptance->righteous anger->mourning->forgiveness over multiple years. I did all that last night for some traumas, however I have a complex past. Already I can feel my PTSD fading (and it's been 24 hours since I dosed so it's not the drug) - before I couldn't imagine my life going past this next year and that I'd probably give it up if I hadn't recovered in a few years, and that's just gone. I can do what I want now without the past holding me back so much.
It's like I took a sledgehammer to my head and all the glass shards fell out, and now I have to put them back in a way that's a bit more comfortable. I definitely got what I asked for...

If anyone has any questions, please ask them. It will help me reconcile the experience and I will be providing daily updates.

Day 2: Still feel extremely strange, but not in a bad way. The post session recovery is said to happen in "waves" of both positive and negative states/emotions, sometimes both at once, until it normalizes at the point of full integration. All my insights and "oooh, I forgive that person, that one and that other one", have stuck with me. Feel a bit more generally anxious today (I have never had generalized anxiety). I got strangely overexcited at getting Chinese but halfway through felt like there was something wrong...

Very interesting but keep in mind that the aftermath of MDMA can last weeks. Your state if mind changes a bit, making you more sensitive to any type of emotional stimulation. The over excitement fading into dullness is very MDMA-hangover like and not uncommon at all in my experience.

Not much to add except I'm really eager to read about your healing. Keep us updated.

Watched this video today and now your post. Interesting indeed.

Dannn wrote: Very interesting but keep in mind that the aftermath of MDMA can last weeks. Your state if mind changes a bit, making you more sensitive to any type of emotional stimulation. The over excitement fading into dullness is very MDMA-hangover like and not uncommon at all in my experience.

I think if you're abusing it excessively, rather in amount, or frequency, yeah of course.



Everyone is different, for some people it is no walk in the park, but I feel once in a blue moon with clean MDMA, the day after is actually a continuing pleasant after glow, that could even follow you past the "day after"

Dannn wrote: Very interesting but keep in mind that the aftermath of MDMA can last weeks. Your state if mind changes a bit, making you more sensitive to any type of emotional stimulation. The over excitement fading into dullness is very MDMA-hangover like and not uncommon at all in my experience.

In studies it doesn't seem to happen. I think this is because it is 1) definitely MDMA - mine was, 2) 100% pure - OK, mine was definitely clan lab MDMA but it was 85%+ for sure, and 3) it's not used in a typical MDMA setting like a club. Hyperthermia and dehydration exacerbates serotonergic toxicity. I'm going through a rollercoaster right now but it's not the molly blues. I think what you did on it is an underrated and crucial parameter into the comedown, in addition to what you took and how much.

Day 3: Back to work today, went in feeling very anxious about bringing this different self around other people and came out feeling like a million bucks. I was a lot nicer to certain people, assertive towards others where reasonable and my tolerance for work went up even though I was still tired from trying to process all of this. It's so draining going from hate to empathy and forgiveness almost overnight. Also I haven't had a single flashback that I couldn't process through while I was working, without slowing down. Whenever I felt the old hate, depression, anxiety, flashbacks etc, I didn't fight it (as outlined in the treatment manual) but dug around in it for a while and then it gave way to emotions (happiness, sadness, hope etc) as opposed to states of being (flashback mode, panic attack, depressed etc).

I have lost 2kg of water weight over the weekend since I was pretty nauseous on the comedown and not hungry the day afterwards but I can't hit the gym until Wednesday which is annoying... but it's all cool because it's the only here and now issue on my mind?

Norseman wrote: Not much to add except I'm really eager to read about your healing. Keep us updated.

Watched this video today and now your post. Interesting indeed.

Yeah that's the woman I linked to in my first post. Just inspiring. It's interesting that her IBS faded instantly. I have gastro problems from birth (part of my BPD but we won't go there) and have always had a shit appetite as what was assumed to be a physical side, and it seems to have improved a fair bit already. Unfortunately my insomnia hasn't but it's early days.

Day 4-6: Another rollercoaster but more stable. There've been moments where it just seems like I've gone back to the way I was and then bam, suddenly this self-empathy comes out of nowhere. It's like a war going on sometimes.

Day 7: Thought I'd treat myself to a good sleep last night with half a gram phenibut but it wasn't that great and I've felt off all day. Definitely not like it used to be and I have no tolerance. Think I'll just stick to my alpha blocker.

At least all I have to complain about is feeling "off" and not flashbacks.

Day 8: Today's rollercoaster was an idea came up that everything I want, I don't just want but I deserve. I've had occasional thoughts in the past like I've done my time and I didn't deserve what happened to me, but it never flipped into me deserving what I want. And it wasn't just a thought, just like everything else this last week it came out as a feeling that went through all of me.

Day 9: I was processing today, giving time to feel things that come up and take new perspectives as they arise just like the protocol says. And then it hit me. I have gone through everything. There was nothing left to think about because I didn't feel the same way about any of it any more. That was including the repressed stuff that came up for the first time on Day 0. That was including not just any events but my view of myself that they created. There was just one thing left: a friend who was unwittingly part of my PTSD due to just a single comment she said at Christmas when I was in a particularly vulnerable state and nearly drove me off the edge. So with the MDMA perspective (but not on it) in mind, we sat down and talked it through and within half an hour my heart rate went down from about 150 to 50.

And now I don't consider myself damaged or fundamentally broken anymore. That was all I really had before; fighting the negative parts of me CBT style and it was pretty much my entire life. So now I feel like I'm nothing really. Free from everything, free to do anything? I don't know but this isn't over yet.

Day 10: Nope definitely not over. Now it feels like even though I've made peace with the past in itself, there's still the effects of the past on the present to deal with. I was in full borderline swing when I got home.