TOPIC: What do SOCIAL/POPULAR People's Schedules Look Like and HOW? (college)

And how do they have that schedule?

I've been kind of a loner my whole high school, playing video games with online buddies. All the work I would do would be to play more games. Obviously I'm regretting that. I've been trying to do a 180 and trying to be more social, make more cool friends and make meaningful memories. Obviously covid didn't help but I wasn't getting anywhere beforehand.

But I'm still hearing people rowding it up on weekends in my dorm, and constantly going out. I have no idea how people manage to do this. I'm having challenges trying just keep convos with friends over text and these people are constantly talking to people.

Am I not offering enough value to my "acquaintances?" Is it because I'm not in an established social circle? Am I just missing something in my social ability (I don't think I'm completely retarded because I can keep convos going with girls and keep them laughing/flirty)? And how do these social peers manage to constantly have things planned? I feel so lost. I would be angry but I only have myself and my lack of knowledge to blame. At least if I knew what was going on I would have initiative to fix it.

You have to stop being a bitch and put yourself out there if you want to develop social skills.

It's easy to get stuck inside a mindset of "fuck them" or theyre dumb, or I'm smarter than everyone else. You're not. You have to work out who the popular people are, who the A's are and who the B's are or the people who are on the margins of the popular groups. Those people on the margins will be your in. Make friends with them.

Have something to offer. Be the stoner, or be the jock, or be the nazi gamer. There are plenty of personalities to choose from.

I'm sure there's shit going on around campus, join in on some of it, work out who the marginal people in the popular groups are, befriend them and make your way in. At the very least you will develop social skills. WHICH ARE VERY IMPORTANT

If I went back to college I wouldn't even focus on getting laid. I'd focus on becoming popular and getting laid would be a result of that. You don't want to be that weird guy who's obsessed with getting laid but never does. And it's much better to have friends than to be a loner, you're just happier and more emotionally stable as a person.

I'm actually just re-iterating a Tim Dillon podcast I listened to yesterday. But its bang on in a lot of ways and hilarious. You should check it out.

My personal experience: I went to 7 different high schools and was constantly the new kid. I smoked weed, played video games a lot and had a hot tub room we could skip class and hotbox in which helped me make friends in grade 10. I did drugs, was pretty good looking and usually found myself on the margins of the popular groups but never in them. I hated myself for it. Thought something was wrong with me. I did have a few problems with people ganging up on me and jumping me a few times but always had a couple friends.. Still went out and partied even though it was semi-dangerous out there.

Then I moved to Australia in grade 11 and had more problems because I was good looking and people saw it as a challenge. My mistake was going head on and challenging others. They saw me as a threat. If I could go back I would've made my way in in the way Tim describes in this episode, through a marginal popular kids social circle. I would've figured out what people needed and not been so threatening to others.

By the time I was in college at 21 I had sold drugs dropped out of high school and spent a few years basically fucking around and causing problems with others. I hated the people around me from the town I was in because I was butting heads with everybody. I was a negative person who just went to the gym and tried to fuck chicks. I didn't like the popular kids even though I'd be around at their parties I never broke into the social circles and fucked the girls (who I definitely could have fucked) because I never played my part to try and fit in. I blamed everyone else and thought they were all "faggots"

I was just being an asshole. And I could have had a way better experience if I had played my role and figured out how to fit in and become popular, instead of giving off such a challenging and cold vibe.

One life lesson I've learned is: Make (sh) IT happen. Trademark please.

I'm plenty introverted, but over and over, when I've made things happen the results have been very positive.

Helped a mom find a cool restaurant for her daughters Bday. Showed them a Hibachi restaurant with fire, juggling, and good food. I was a hero to the whole group that night. Mommy was very thankful.

In UNI I had a kegger in my dorm room. Girls were coming and hanging their bras on our room lights...and none were my GF.

Hosted a going away party for a guy friend. 3 different women were fighting for my attention that night.

1 takeaway: if you're a king in any group, even among geeks, women will be attracted to you. Taking INITIATIVE and making things happen, makes you a king.

2nd: you need a social group, so go build one. My top suggestion is to join coed rec sports. Kickball, volleyball, soccer. I found volleyball to be a great way to meet new people. For a gamer, I'd even go with starting a board gaming night.

Listen to the other advice on here. Just take initiative. You be the one introducing yourself to people and taking down numbers on the first day of class. You be the one setting up study groups, and suggesting people hang out. Go to clubs/events and things YOU enjoy, try talking to as many people as you can. You can either try to join an established social circle or make your own. I'm sure there's plenty of kids that feel the same as you, even cute girls that are still unattached to any social circles. You just have to put yourself out there man. Also ,consistency is key, the longer you know someone the more they like you, the more they trust you.

Well all the replies seem to be reaching the same message. Create an environment that allows me to make cool friends. That makes sense. This is what I am doing right now, i'm wondering if this is on the right track.

I start up small talk in places with cool-looking people when I'm around campus. I think if I try to force a conversation it seems really needy/desperate, so I'll try to make it seem as natural as possible. And obviously like with girls, screen the guy as well to see if we click together.

But connections are best made when it's natural and it's consistent. I feel like if it's not a person I'm going to naturally be running into often it's going to be short-lasting. If I find the dude cool, it seems very forced to ask to grab a bite together. It might go okay but I'm lost what to do after that. Not to sound gay and all, but how do we deepen the friendship?

I don't think I know what a normal bro-relationship looks like, or how to join a bigger group of friends by taking initiative. I know I have to offer value like parties/booze/girls but how do I do that without seeming needy?

Dude. I understand what you're saying, but you're looking at things from the wrong perspective. First of all, drop this whole "I want to be accepted by the cool kids." Just be you, dress like how you want to dress(e.g. if you want to dress more stylish, then do that), do what you like to do, look for people that like the same things as you. People are attracted to similar individuals to themselves.

If you're in college, I highly recommend that you schedule an appointment with a school counselor. You already get charged for it in your tuition, you might as well use it. You seem like it could help you loads. Tell the therapist everything you're telling us on here. We can only do so much. I can't really recommend this, but I've heard good things about him from other guys I trust on the forum, maybe try some life coaching sessions with Andy (Killyourinnerloser).

"I think if I try to force a conversation it seems really needy/desperate, so I'll try to make it seem as natural as possible. And obviously like with girls, screen the guy as well to see if we click together.

But connections are best made when it's natural and it's consistent. I feel like if it's not a person I'm going to naturally be running into often it's going to be short-lasting. If I find the dude cool, it seems very forced to ask to grab a bite together."

there is nothing wrong with forcing things. Thats what it takes sometimes to become natural at something. SAme shit with cold approach, but applied differently. Stop giving a fuck so much

modernmachiavelli wrote: Well all the replies seem to be reaching the same message. Create an environment that allows me to make cool friends. That makes sense. This is what I am doing right now, i'm wondering if this is on the right track.

I start up small talk in places with cool-looking people when I'm around campus. I think if I try to force a conversation it seems really needy/desperate, so I'll try to make it seem as natural as possible. And obviously like with girls, screen the guy as well to see if we click together.

But connections are best made when it's natural and it's consistent. I feel like if it's not a person I'm going to naturally be running into often it's going to be short-lasting. If I find the dude cool, it seems very forced to ask to grab a bite together. It might go okay but I'm lost what to do after that. Not to sound gay and all, but how do we deepen the friendship?

I don't think I know what a normal bro-relationship looks like, or how to join a bigger group of friends by taking initiative. I know I have to offer value like parties/booze/girls but how do I do that without seeming needy?

Don't be the guy constantly chasing people and driving the relationship. Be excited to do things and be hungry but sometimes sit back and let others come to you. You learn this shit from experience. You live in a dorm don't you? Grab a bottle of liquor on friday night and offer people shots. Ask them what they're up to, where they're from. Go out to bars, do drugs, have fun. If you live in a dorm say whats up to the people that live around you and see who they are. Find someone you get along with and roll with them

If you want to be popular, do not be yourself. This is honestly the worst piece of advice for being popular because if it worked you would have been popular since you were a kid.

In order to be popular, you need to be friends with popular kids. It's that easy. I'd recommend having a close group of friends that you can hit up to hang out any time. To do this you need basic social skills, basic style, and you need to be interested in the same stuff they are (sports, music, clubs, etc...).

You will not click with everyone popular right away. Find popular kids you do click with and then invest into that relationship. Eventually you will become established and you can then climb the social ladder.

Being popular...I'm assuming you want to be popular amongst the cool people.

Being valuable (value attracts value):
-Workout and eat properly until you look good enough that you (and others) see the results
-Dress sharp
-Go out twice a week to socialize, with both old friends and new friends.

Meeting new people:
-Spend time out of home: if you have the option between doing something at home or in public, go do it in public (e.g.:studying or doing homework? go study to the school library, don't stay home for either of them if you have the option; )
-Be social enough i.e. dare talking to new people that you want to befriend. As you go on your daily life at your new work or in university, any fortuitous interaction is a chance to introduce yourself to a stranger. Eg.: you seat down in class next to somebody you don't know. Just say hello with a smile. Then tell them your name and ask the person what the person's name is. Then ask the stranger anything basic about themselves (eg.: where they come from if they have an obvious accent, were they in the same class/company last year, etc). IMPORTANT TIP: a genuine smile always helps when saying hello to people, especially people you don't know; therefore, try to find reasons to genuinely smile. Also, having done the AA program usually helps being at ease when interacting with new people and people in general, men or women.

Bottomline: 1) be "valuable" and 2) "knock on the door" of new people you're interested in befriending.

Doing only one of them will not be optimal. If you do 1) and not 2), you'll have to wait for people to muster the courage themselves to come talk to you. Arguably, if you do 1) extremely well (e.g.: you arrive in a Ferrari or you're a celebrity) you might get away with half-assing 2).

If you do 2) and not 1) don't expect "cool" people to stick to you. You'll attract people as cool as you are yourself, and less "cool" than yourself.

Notice that "cool" just means valuable. And what's valuable? Presumably anything that has proven over our evolutionary history to be a net positive on our chances of surviving and passing on our genes. And "knocking on people's door"? It seems to me you're just showing people they need not fear you...5k years ago it was better to fear strangers than to trust them immediately.