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Back after one week of not doing drills. It was super hard to push myself to get started again. I was scared more than I was the last few times. I told myself in advance that if I don't manage to do the 10 high-fives in under 10:30 minutes (which is what I need to do to finish day 15) and get 40 rejections, then I will allow myself to call it a day. Setting a goal that allows for a stopping point even in the case of failure felt good.
Started off rough. Only got 2 out of 15 high fives. I thought to myself at that point that I'm probably not gonna finish day 15 today but at least I will get in some practice and it will be less hard to go out again tomorrow.
I must have forgotten about the power of social momentum. Next I got 10 out of 18 attempts. And I made them in just below 10 minutes. I fucking made it!!!! That felt great and relieving. This day has been a real blockade for me.
Today was a perfect day to do the drills. The weather was nice, the park was packed. Honestly, I wasn't even that ballsy. Skipped a lot of opportunities, even in the successful sub-10min run. Shorter times are definitely possible
But I did work hard for it. The last two of the ten high fives I got from a group of two chicks. I walked up to them frontal, told them to high five and got one from one of the two. The other one had already passed me to my left side. She had looked much more hesitant than her friend. But I wasn't gonna let this opportunity go, turned around, walked two steps after her and was like "come on!" and she gave me my high five! High fives 7 and 8 were from two chicks waiting at a pedestrian crossing that I had to cross as well. I thought it would become awkward since the drill is to get out afterwards and not keep talking but I had to wait besides them for the street to clear out. Wasn't awkward at all I just stepped to the side a few steps and stopped talking to them haha. Lesson learned.
Today was giving 2 times 10 high fives to girls that are stationary (sitting, standing, not walking). The challenge was to approach girls that were smoking on the last approach or on the 11th.
I felt ready for doing this drill today, rested and confident. I was scared anyways though.
I had crazy "success": I got all of the first high five attempts and finished with a streak of 8. In between I got a fair amount of rejections, especially because I approached a group of 8 chicks which were not down for high-fives. After girls gave me high-fives, I told them that they are cool and then left. I didn't do this previously, where I just said bye or have a nice day or nothing at all. Complimenting them on being cool for giving me high fives felt like a frigging power move. I am slowly trying to adopt the GLL Mr. Pussy Inspector mindset. These drills definitely help.
Out of the first five high fives three girls were smoking. It wasn't on the 10th or 11th approach like Chris instructed for the challenge, but I really don't think that matters here. I did it earlier, which is even harder I guess. It wasn't harder for me than the other approaches. I think Chris found it harder because he has a fetish for smoking chicks. They aren't special or scary to me, so not really a challenge. Overall, today was easy. I had been high-fiving girls on benches for the past four times I went out so this wasn't even new. Not having to high-five girls that were walking in the opposite direction as me also took some of the pressure out. With sitting or standing girls I have more control over timing and can take another deep breath before going in.
I looked like a fucking douchebag today (in my eyes, it probably was not as much edge as I think). I was wearing a black t-shirt. Not a regular round or v-neck, but one of those with a huge round hole so that you see a good amount of chest. On top, I was wearing a silver colored necklace. Haha looking like a douchebag, pushing out my chest and having such a run felt great. I felt like a fucking gigachad.
Today was the abc's. I was scared but once I got started, it became easier of course. Before going out I was more afraid of doing the first rep of the set than the others. I feared that the people thought I didn't have the balls to sing the full alphabet. Well whatever, I stopped after the G like the drill said.
The reactions were mostly just big smiles. Some were confused, some weirded out. Some complimented me ironically after finishing. Some asked whether I was playing truth or dare. Some asked whether I lost a bet. I just shrugged, smiled, said thanks and left.
Chris' example audio was helpful. I always used the "listen to this" before I started the ABC. Raising your finger while saying "listen to this" also helps catch and keep the attention of the girls, especially if u stop them walking.
I did the challenge part on some walking girls that I stopped. But they left already towards the end of the first alphabet, so it wasn't as awkward as the challenge is probably supposed to be.
A fuckbuddy of mine is visiting me from out of town from today until Sunday so I probably won't post or do drills until Monday.
Yesterday I was too tired. Today I was rekt too, but I knew I needed to get back out.
Today was about asking girls for their opinion on my shirt.
I did the drills. Reactions were mostly positive or neutral. One chick didn't give me her opinion but sent me away. The bad apple of the day. Also did the challenge. There is no German word for boyfriend - one says "friend", which is ambigous between a boyfriend and just a friend, so I used "my man", which is more like it. Maybe I'll use husband if I try again.
I was not happy with my performance today. Even though I finished the drills, I was not energetic and confident. I skipped out too often. I was insecure too much and didn't do the drills as literal as I wanted to. It is astonishing how much ones confidence and performance is dependent upon being well-rested. I will do some more reps from this day when I go out the next time.
Had a fuckbuddy over for the weekend which was nice, but also exhausting (sex, irregular sleep, alcohol). Plus she revealed she had profound emotions for me. I can't reciprocate them, which makes me feel kind of guilty. I know that is bullshit and I owe her nothing and I don't need to feel this way, but it is the way it is. So that has been tearing on me.
On top, my job keeps sucking out my energy. I seriously considered quitting today. I could really use this internship on my CV though, so I am very conflicted and don't want to make rash decisions.
Anyways, I'll try to keep pushing the AA program but I can't do daily drills right now. It pisses me off that I am progressing on the days this slowly. In the beginning I went out almost every day and racked up the days very quickly. That memory makes me feel bad for my current performance. But looking back, it was not sustainable at all. I'll have to finish the program at my pace, but I will finish it.
I wasn't happy with my performance on day 18 and also with the challenge on day 17 (didn't finish a full abc before the chicks walked away), so I redid some reps today.
Started out with 5 iso-reps of day 18, the ones with the longest talking. Didn't bother redoing the shorter ones. Was happy after that and moved on from day 18.
Then I stopped two girls and told them to "listen to this". Sang the ABC. When I was at the E of the second ABC, they started moving, so I was like "wait, you are missing the best part!". One of them said "I bet we're not", but they didn't walk away, so I achieved my goal. Kept singing. Got until P in the third alphabet when they left and said "we're gonna go now, you can practice on someone else". Fucking great.
Then did the day 19 drills. It was good that I already gathered some social momentum from the redos, because these ones felt hard for me. The last few days I did next do the river in my town. Today I returned to the park that I did a lot of the earlier days in. That also, not surprisingly, contributed to my anxiety because of the police story which I associate with the place. I approached one chick that was like "do I know you?" - and turns out I knew her. She remembered me talking to her about the candles (day 12). I just glossed over and acted like I had a hard time remembering it and continued the drill. It wasn't a bad reaction either like weirded out, more like interested. And honestly by now, I don't give a fuck anymore about approaching the same chick twice. Happened to me 3+ times by now and it really doesn't matter.
The first rep of each set of the day 19 drills was the hardest for me, not the easiest. Asking how it is going, listening and then just fucking off is pretty rude. I seem to still have somewhat of a rough time with being rude.
The gay voice stuff was fun. The serious voice stuff was hard, I slipped a few smiles in there accidentally.
Did the challenge but that wasn't really harder than the normal reps and I'm not sure whether I was able to catch the difference through translation.
Only went out twice this week, which I am not happy about. Was planning to do three times (which is way too little in general, but I can't manage more right now), but I was too rekt. Either way, progress is progress.
Also went shopping for jeans, shorts and a leather jacket today and some (middle-aged) women asked me a question because she thought I was working at the store. I'll take that as an "I don't dress completely shit"-compliment
If you have read my AA log during the past few weeks, you might have noticed how much my work was pulling me down. I was doing an internship in the insurance industry as an actuary. I finished my bachelors degree recently and was planning to do this as a voluntary internship before my masters degree to get an insight into work life. But I swear the job was fucking hell for me. I spent full time working in front of a screen, analyzing numbers and writing code. I was somewhere between boredom and digital overwrought. I was feeling exhausted most of the time outside of work hours. I slept less well than usually. I had little energy for sports and couldn’t get myself to do the AA program as often as I wanted because I felt rekt. The truth might be that the job itself was not as horrible in general as I perceived it. If I had no goals and side-projects, I might have been content with the job. But I do have goals and working a boring and straining full-time job is getting me nowhere near them and that really pulled me down.
There were pragmatic reasons against quitting. Mainly, I have only done internships in the public sector before, so this internship would have been good for my CV. Additionally, I was earning some money. Not great but not as shit as some other internships over here in Germany and I guess work experience could have benefited me personally as well.
But these reasons were not sufficient for me. My real priorities lie elsewhere. I want to get my sex life in order, that is my resolution for the year. I want to do sports and take care of my psyche. I want to live an interesting life. This internship was suffocating me.
I have been thinking about quitting the job for quite a while and finally decided Thursday last week to do it. I resolved to contemplate over it for the weekend and talk to my parents about it and then hand in the resignation on Monday. I wanted to talk to my parents first because I have a good relation to them and appreciate their advice. Furthermore, they are financing my education so I feel like I owe them some sort of accountability. Not that I would let their opposition stop me from doing it, but I wanted them to be in the picture. They were not happy about it but could somewhat understand and were not pushing me towards not doing it.
Yesterday I told my boss. In my contract I have a two week notice period, so worst case would have been me having to work for another two weeks. But I guided the conversation in such a fashion that he was ready to mutually agree to cancel the contract. It only took one day to go through HR so I had my last day of work today.
The pragmatic reasons listed above (CV, money, experience) sound serious but by now I think they were mere excuses. I don’t desperately need an internship on my CV in an area in which I do not want to go. Plus I have other good qualities that make me interesting on the labor market if I even go to the labor market. Second, the money was just minimal wage and I can earn minimum wage anywhere and work less than full-time jobs to sustain my life. Third, the experience of this internship is fucking useless, sitting in front of a computer staring at numbers and code that I am not remotely interested in. I can gather way more significant experiences in different manners.
So these reasons against quitting were mostly excuses and a rationalization hiding the true reason that was holding me back: The fear of breaking social norms. The way that my parents, my grandparents, my siblings, my friends, girls, and also strangers might see me. In many people’s eyes, I am “slacking off”, not studying or working a serious job for the next months. I have a fairly straight record, being a good student both in school and university and having no gaps in my CV. The thought of deviating from this path threatened my self-image and made me feel like I was failing if I quit this job.
All of that is humongous bullcrap. This is my life, I will live it HOW I WANT. I will not live a mediocre and mundane life, following a straight line to a regretful casket. I will define for myself what success and failure are and will not blindly follow the get-a-job-get-a-house-get-a-wife-get-kids-happiness-illusion. I will no longer feel guilty for prioritizing my sex life. Thanks Chris for your amazing points on this.
I am taking a new road. I will embrace freedom and the uncertainty that comes along with it. My plan for the coming months is this:
- first, I will take a few days to recover from the job and the stress of deciding on and quitting the job
- then, I will not work for a few weeks. I will focus on AA, sports, enjoying life, getting better style and a working tinder profile. My main goal is the AA program and my plan is to go out 5-6 times a week for drills. If I can keep up this pace, I will be done with the AA program in 4-6+ weeks, depending on how many redos I have to do and whether I can finish full days in one day
- meanwhile, I will apply for one specific job, that I will start after finishing the AA program: Street fundraising.
It will be a great addition to the AA program skill set. Plus I might be good at the job and enjoy it because I am generally extroverted, just shy when it comes to hitting on girls. Plus I might be good at the job due to the AA program and the absolute ferocity it teaches you. Over here in Germany, street fundraising works like this: You travel from town to town as a team, one town a week. You work Monday through Saturday, 8+ hours a day. On Sunday, you travel to the next town. Very stressful, so I will probably only do three weeks in a row for starters (that’s the minimum). What you do all day is to cold approach strangers to convince them to donate money to some charity like WWF, Amnesty International, whatever. You get paid minimum wage and get bonuses the more people you get to sign the papers for donation contracts. Money is not my main goal though here, it is building social skills and social freedom.
There is another reason for this job. I want to explore the complete opposite of sitting in front of a screen. I am heading for an economics master degree in autumn. But I am not sure at all whether I should.
In my bachelors, I studied a degree program called “Philosophy & Economics.” There is no money in philosophy and it is not something I can see myself doing. So the choice that suggests itself for the masters degree is economics. But that is a falacy. I didn’t pick my bachelors program because I had any idea of the kind of job I wanted to do. I picked it because I had a thirst for knowledge and for understanding the world. I have satisfied this thirst and that might be all that my bachelors might be good for. I might never do a masters program that builds upon it. I might never get a job that requires the specific skills associated with the program. It might have just been there for fulfilling an imminent desire of mine. Figuring out what I might want to do instead is therefore the other weighty reason for exploring a completely different job.
Quitting this job feels great. This is a new chapter on my journey towards my goals and self-discovery.
The task was to ask girls where the nearest restroom is. An absolutely retarded drill for those who do not have a fear for specifically that. Did it anyways of course, I want to get through the program.
The reactions were friendly or neutral as usual in these kind of drills where you have a believable everyday request. Kind of a boring drill. I didn't get giggles as Chris claimed when you do the "I mean the men's room"-part. I think you have to do it with a big grin to get that. The reactions when I talked about how I hope the restroom is not disgusting because they usually are were priceless. The faces were super confused/weirded out haha like "why the fuck is this guy talking to me about dirty public restrooms?!?"
Also did the challenge one but today was one of the days where its not really a challenge and the minute difference between restroom and bathroom probably got lost in translation to German.
Glad to be back in the streets and hustling down these drills.
I went out again today after resting at home. I wanted to do the day 20 drills the day before but couldn’t because I had huge blisters on my feet and wasn’t able to walk that much. So I did it today but also did Day 21 because it is the first nighttime drill and today is Saturday so my best chance for a while. Doing it on a less crowded day is probably harder.
The fear of this day had been building up for a while, I had had it every since hearing of it. I tried a mental technique. I imagined what would be the absolute worst case scenario. The pretty much worst I could imagine was being beaten up by some bouncer. Then I wondered: Am I ready to take a beating in order to finish the AA program? The answer was a big fat YES. Imagining the worst case scenario took away the diffuse fear that approach anxiety creates and which is much harder to handle than a very specific fear. I also talked to a good friend who is fairly good with chicks. He liked the drill and said that he would enjoy doing it and that he would make a whole show of it like acting all pumped up and checking the chicks bizeps. I explained that the drill is not targeted towards that but the convo relaxed me nonetheless. Listening to Chris’ audio for today was also very helpful. Understanding the arms squeeze as a signaling towards the girl to express interest made this whole thing much less creepy in my mind.
Nonetheless, I was scared shitless when going out. In the end though, it just came down to fucking doing it.
There is still a lot of Covid restrictions over here in Germany. Clubs will remain closed until September. Bars are open but under strict conditions. There has to be assigned seating and when u get up you have to wear a mask. So this didn’t make the drill any easier. Walking through a crowded club or through a bar with a lot of people standing at the bar ordering drinks would be more convenient. But there is not even any seating at the bar allowed and people have to wait for the waiter to take their order at their seat.
So I went to the street where a lot of student bars are at and basically just walked past them, hoping to find an overcrowded place. I didn’t want to walk through a bar where people where seated and basically walk around tables as the only motherfucker and then touch girls on their arm. I was too scared to do that. I found one bar where a few people were standing at the bar. I think they were only paying for their drinks and then leaving. I went in and walked towards the bar. Three chicks at the bar. One was talking to a guy standing on the other side of the corridor and I bitched out on doing it on her. Did it though on a chick standing right next to her that was talking to the third chick. I was wearing a mask, she was looking at me kinda weirded out. Walked past and noticed that that was all I was gonna get that easy in this bar. So I walked back out and did the squeeze on her friend on the way out. Hell yeah, 2/10.
Then I kept walking, trying to find bars that had similar conditions. Found none. So I brought myself to admitting that I was gonna have to squeeze seated chicks in order to finish this drill today. Found a pretty crowded bar. When I was inside the place I noticed that this place was good for these drills. The waiters and the people didn’t pay close attention to the Covid restrictions, not wearing masks and there were people sitting at the bar. I sat down and ordered a small alcohol-free beer. I wanted to do the drill sober. After finishing half of it I noticed it was a regular beer, which kinda pissed me off. But I did get the first reps in completely sober and a small beer didn’t get me drunk and Chris said that drinking was Ok for this day. So I was sitting there, scouting out the bar and trying to figure out how I was gonna squeeze eight girls in one route without causing much commotion and circling entire tables of girls and with getting out afterwards. But I couldn’t come up with a plausible way to do that. During the process my anxiety started getting stronger once again, the effect from the first two reps was ceasing. So I decided I had to do it in smaller bits. Got up, left my beer at the bar and squeezed a girl on the way to the restroom. She was sitting on a high chair at a table with one dude and one other chick like 1,5m away from me haha so I was really putting myself on the line for some awkwardness after the fact. She was sitting with her back to the corridor and when I was walking by I squeezed her arm. I guess she didn’t see me coming because she was startled when I did it. I came back from the restroom and sat down again. Then took my beer and went out to get some fresh air. On the way I squeezed three girls that were sitting on high chairs at tables. Two of them were sitting together at a table and I had to really lean in from the corridor to squeeze one of the two. The third one was sitting at a table with a mixed group of people. I chilled outside for like a minute, standing right next to the bouncer. Then I squeezed a girl that was sitting on a regular chair outside, like one meter from the bouncer. Haha looking back that was fucking ballsy. I wasn’t even thinking of the bouncer though, what was scarier to me is that she was essentially sitting at a restaurant table with a mixed group of friends. I mean that was just weird to me because it didn’t have the nightlife feeling attached to it. Plus her boyfriend could have been sitting at the table with her. But at this point I was on such a roll that I did it. I went back inside, said down, finished my beer and ordered another one, this time I fortunately got the alcohol-free one I ordered. On the way back one of the two chicks I squeezed swerved to get more distance from me when I passed. They were definitely weirded out as fuck. I chilled a while, drank half my bottle and then got my balls together to do the three final reps. The table behind me had new girls there, three of them. I squeezed the two of them sitting near the corridor and took a large off-tour to get to a table with some more chicks where I squeezed one. Then I got out.
When squeezing the girls I usually briefly looked at them and smiled. I could not see some of the reactions, and if so, only for 1 or 2 seconds. Most of them were weirded out or at least surprised/interested in what is going on. After the fact, they didn’t do anything about it, but I also didn’t go for much deliberate eye contact afterwards. There was not an overall awkward atmosphere after or anything like that. That stuff is usually just inside your head anyways. Nobody, neither the girls, nor their friends, nor the staff addressed me on what I was doing. You can do a lot of shit to people before they speak up. I knew this before but just didn’t properly apply it in my mind to this case. When I was doing the last three reps one female waiter saw it and smiled like she found it funny. I had made some friendly convo with her before that which is good because I’m hoping to return to this place for the other nighttime drills and not having made too much of a name for myself tonight.
The challenge today was to do 10 more reps in another bar. I knew that I was not ready to do that and I would be content with not doing the challenge this time, or at least not before moving on to day 22. Before doing reps 3-10 I had also considered slightly altering the drill, but of course decided against it because I don’t want to alter the program. There is a town square where a lot of people hang out and drink, just standing around. It is as crowded as a club. I though maybe I could use it as a club-replacement during Covid times. But it would have also been sorta cheating because that was less scary to me than doing it in the place I did eventually do it in.
Nonetheless, I squeezed some girls arms there when walking through the crowd. I squeezed two while passing through the crowd the first time. I was scared to do more but turned around and squeezed two more in another passthrough. I didn’t finish the whole ten for a count of reasons. First, I would’t have counted it as the challenge anyways, only as some extra exposure. Second, some cops had started showing up and the crowd was slowly disolving. Third, it started raining and the weather forecast was some heavy thunderstorm so I didn’t want to get caught up in it. But truth be told, I was still just really fucking scared and at this point was out of energy to push myself to do more reps that were not strictly necessary or even exactly the drill. I am happy there are some more drills like this later in the program so I am forced to get more exposure.
Today was HUGE for me. I got back after not doing drills for a week and quitting my job. I finished two days worth of drills. Including the day 21 drill, which I was super scared of ever since I heard of it. An absolute breakthrough day. In the podcast in which Killyourinnerloser interviews Manganiello, they say that once you get to this day, they guarantee that you will finish. I am super determined and I will. (1h41min18sec)
Today was about asking where to get suspenders, being mamas boy and talking about one's asscrack. In a nutshell, just fucking around with chicks.
The drills were hilarious because I was out in my coolest outfit. Black boots, black leather jacket, white tee with big cutout and, a silver chain, and tight-fitting black jeans (pic attached). But then I was talking about suspenders, taking clothing advice from my mom and my pants being so loose that they fall down. Fucking comical.
Went out during noon because I wanted to get the drills done early. But in addition to the bad time I also was in a bad part of town so I wandered around for over two hours without getting a handful of hot chicks in my way. Wandering around so much was a huge waste of time, built up my anxiety and got me a blister.
So I had to go out again later in the evening. Much better. Did the asscrack-challenge which was the funnest part of the day.
- one girl claimed the suspenders would look good with my leather jacket. wtf. I guess she was trying to compliment me or something because even though I don't know much about fashion, that sounds like eye-rape to me
- approached some chicks who turned out to be tourists, so I was able to do a rep in the English original
- approached a group of 7 chicks that were sitting in a circle in the park. They started laughing pretty hard
- approached a couple of chicks of which one worked at a men's clothing store and her boyfriend at another one, she thought it was a funny and crazy coincidence even though I was just hardcore fucking with her and her friend
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dO YoU kNOW WhERe i cAn PuRcHAse sUSPEndErS? MY mOM SayS i LoOk gOod IN SuSPeNDerS
I didn't have the time to write this log yesterday so I'm doing it now in the morning. Might do that more often from now on because I don't like sitting in front of a screen too close to bedtime.
The material was easy, asking chicks how to get to sesame street. The main challenge about this day was the high rep count of 30, especially because it was raining the whole time. But with some legwork, I got it done. I mostly did the starting lines in a serious fashion and oftentimes asked jokingly "you don't know sesame street?!?" when they said they didn't know and tgey didn't crack a smile before. I didn't like the challenge because it is beyond creepy to tell chicks that you are not a rapist. If I were a woman I think I would be really scared. Didn't want to leave the challenge untouched though, so I did the tenth rep of each set with it and managed to do it less creepy than I imagined (I think). To be honest, those were the most fun reps though, I laughed pretty hard when walking away afterwards because it was such a cringe NPC convo.
Fun fact: Sesame street really does exist. A handful of chicks pulled out Google Maps and searched it for me and there is seriously a street called "Sesamstraße" in my current home town Cologne, which is the German name of the sesame street TV show.
I feel like this drill was extremely easy. It's either that or day 21 was such a step up that now everything else feels easy. Chris says that these week 4 drills are level 3 and I agree. This is not only bad though since it gives you some time for introspection during the drills and to observe how exactly your mood changes during the drills. Sometimes a downturn in mood is just hunger or having to take a piss. But my mood also does really change in relation to the reactions, so the outcome-dependence is still strong. At least I am at the point where I don't let negative reactions throw me off. I still keep going. But today whenever a girl legitimately thought it was funny (not a fake laugh but real), that did make me happy inside. Not sure how I should relate to this fact.
The drill was easy but I am at least happy that there was no more asking for the time included. That is the most indirect bullshit I can think of. It was nice to get soothed into in the first days of the program, but now it is just annoying and clumsy.
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.