TOPIC: Keep me the hell accountable

Day 1
Made an account, read the posts, and introduced myself.

I'll be documenting my feelings as we go as per the first post. What I do is important too, but I understand it's more about how my more base reactions change as I face these tasks.

Day 2
Began thread, signed petition, started journal

Feelings: No anxiety yet. Maybe some anticipatory jitters.

Day 3
Already have a profile.

Day 4
Walk up to 5 women and ask them for the time. LEAVE.

Asked the first good looking girl at the supermarket who was with a friend, she took a while taking out her phone from her bag and I was surprisingly thrown off because of this. Then she told me the time. At that exact moment, my phone in my pocket got a text message. I don't know whether she heard... but it was like something out of a TV show.

Cool. I went home, got some food, then went back out. Decided to start over and do them in a row. Picked five women that I saw. I felt I had to approach them while they could see me coming so I wouldn't come off like a creep sneaking up on them. That's probably not a 100% healthy thought, but hey, day 1 down. Also, I was trying to avoid asking around other people that I had already asked before. Which is another irrational thought.

Also, Chris has a really reassuring voice. I do see other guys around the forum like KillYourInnerLoser who I respect for doing the video vlogs when they started.

"At that exact moment, my phone in my pocket got a text message. I don't know whether she heard... but it was like something out of a TV show"

Haha, im only on day 33 but I remember feeling nervous about these minor details like asking someone else the time when someone already saw you... lol no one cares but you realize all the irrational thoughts you have.

I'd say the biggest thing Im learning from the program so is how minor of a deal social interaction is. You may get a rush of anxiety telling a girl shes cute... but all that happens is she says 'thanks'. Not even worth a second thought and you'll wonder why you ever felt so extremely over something so small

I'm still finishing the program but definitely worth it, hope you see it out to the end

Day 5
Walk up to 5 women and ask them for the time. LEAVE. Walk up to 5 women again an ask them for the time, but do the drill faster. LEAVE.

Okay, so I don't know what came over me, but I went into a supermarket around 8 pm. The first woman I asked said it was 8:01. I said thanks and moved sufficiently far away for someone not to have overheard me asking the first woman, and asked someone else. So on. One of them didn't really speak English and said as much to me, and I pointed to my wrist, and she got the idea. By the time I asked the 5th woman, she told me it was 8:04. So I just did that in 2 to 3 minutes.

What the heck. How'd I do that? But now, I realized I had a challenge. Now I had to beat my time.

I switched venues (hah), to a Walmart. This was more sparsely populated than the first supermarket, so I had to kind of arrange myself to be able to finish in 1 to 2 minutes. I moved towards the middle of the store, spotted the first lady, and moved in. Asked the time, it's 8:17. Next, a brisk walk of a few aisles away, an Asian woman and her daughter. They looked at me rather suspiciously when I asked the time. The daughter said it was still 8:17. Moved on, this time the lady didn't know what time it was and said sorry. Moved to the next girl, who said it was 8:18. Went to the connected McDonald's, and asked a couple, but the man answered "almost eight-thirty". Come on, guy. That didn't count in my head because it was the guy answering and not the woman. So I walked and found a Walmart employee lady, who also said she didn't know the time. I said thanks, and checked my phone as I walked away... it was 8:19. I beat the first round, even after asking 6 women instead of 5!

I didn't really feel a lot of anxiety with this, for some reason. But I'm glad I set that goal and walked the walk. I got the impression in the Walmart that like 3 of the 6 women were kind of looking at me suspiciously. Don't know if it was in my head or not. Maybe it's the coronavirus thing. That's definitely going to up the challenges if there's physical contact coming up... ha!

Good to have someone doing the program at the same time as me even if you are a month ahead and maybe almost done. The thing about these irrational thoughts is that I know they're irrational, and it's just my amygdala generating them subconsciously, and they mean nothing. I know I'll have days very soon where these will try to overpower this conscious knowledge that I have to the point that I'll question doing that day's drill. I'll probably write about it here and see if any of you guys can help me beat that back.

Day 33, man. Wowzer

Yeah looking ahead the program looks tough, but you get better so it's always doable. But yeah, if I can give any advice, do the drills even on days you don't want to do. I am legitimately 200% socially better than when I started the program and Im not even done yet.

See you at the finish the line bro!

Day 6
Time, Leave
Time, Directions, Leave
Time, Directions, Have you been there?, Leave
Repeat this 5 times today, you will speak to 15 girls in total.

I did this one in about an hour total. After the second set of 3, I realized I was coming off like... unctuous towards people, because I felt like I was inconveniencing them. I'd smile wide and kind of imitate their speaking style, subconsciously. Using my normal mannerisms with people I don't know well has been somewhat of a challenge for me. Like keeping my own thoughts in my head even when I'm looking straight into an unfamiliar somebody's eyes. I can't seem to get it right. I tried to practice staying in my own frame, if you will, for the other three sets, but didn't quite manage. If people were nice to me and playful with it (like one girl was), I'd sort of mirror them and get really happy, and if someone seemed semi-annoyed, I'd act nice to sort of "be small" and shuffle off as soon as possible. I didn't like that in myself.

I can feel that familiar fear of judgment whenever I talk to people. So the bad habit continues unchecked. If anyone has any ideas on how to practice that, let me know. (Or maybe the program will lead me to it.)

Overall, though, this was pretty smooth. I was having fun doing it. Though my pits were sort of sweaty when I got back in the car, but that's pretty normal any given day.

Day 7
Time, Leave (talk to very first girl you see; DONT let her slip by)
Time, Directions, Leave
Time, Directions, Have you been there?, Leave

This was a lot easier than yesterday. I didn't really have that much trouble yesterday going for the first girl I saw as soon as I entered the open-air mall, who was a good-looking chick who looked like she had just gotten off her shift and was walking out. I had a good time walking around, and finished in around 40 minutes. No one really made conversation (in fact, the mall was rather empty), but more than once, they told me the time in military time, which was a laugh as I tried to subtract 12. One goth-looking girl said "Shit, you scared me", told me the time begrudgingly, and shuffled away quickly, but I seriously didn't think anything of it. Which is awesome. I'm still putting on somewhat of a persona without meaning to, but I forced myself to be stoic for a couple of the interactions to see how it would go, and I semi-did it. Still a sticking point, but we move on.

I never realized how many foreign people there are around here, mostly Chinese. Since I went for the first woman I saw each time (still trying to space them to avoid them hearing me ask the previous person, although I cared less today), I got like 3 older Chinese women who didn't know English, and a couple of them in the first two sets, even when they knew English, were somewhat unfriendly. But I've never had much trouble with people who don't know English too well (always seemed like less pressure, and I find it easier to be... socially free with them), so I skipped a few obviously foreign people in the last 3 sets to challenge myself with girls who looked to be more socially in sync with me.

Towards the end, I saw a kiosk employee who would call out to people as they walked by and invite them to try his stuff. I've always felt like this is a pretty difficult social task, and something that will certainly desensitize the employees to a lot of social anxiety, since you're exposing yourself to rejection with each call, and it's part of your job. I've always been fascinated with salespeople for the same reason. I talked to the guy and told him I respect him for what he does, and asked him what it was like when he started. Had a good convo and he fist bumped me in the end.

I've been following along with KillYourInnerLoser's log for fun after I do the drill, and the video he posted about strangers generally doing what you tell them to do really struck me. I've seen it before (the post's 5 years old), but now I genuinely want to try it out on people. I had more than a few people keep walking as they would answer my question, so I'm just going to tell at least 3 people "Don't walk away" in as much of a commanding voice as I can muster if they start doing that tomorrow, before doing tomorrow's actual drill. Let's call it Day 7.5.

Day 8
Time, Leave (talk to very first girl you see; DONT let her slip by)
Time, Directions, Leave
Time, Directions, Have you been there?, Leave
Time, Directions, Have you been there?, Do you like it?, Leave

Back at it again. I didn't do the Day 7.5 thing I planned since I found out today's drill was a repeat of Days 6 and 7 and added its own flair: asking girls/women if they liked a place. Finished quicker than planned because I initially read over the part where we do 4 reps instead of 5 like usual. Today was a bit harder than yesterday, since I realized I was putting pressure on myself today to get good reactions, or even a chance to slip in "Don't walk away". Just do the drills, bro. Just do the fucking drills. Or else it's like a recipe for regret and a cycle of increased anxiety. Do what you came to do, don't try to turn it into anything else, as Chris says.

Talked to one very cute girl for the "do you like it?" part and got the best reaction out of her, and she seemed game to keep talking. But I kept going. A lot of times today, I felt sort of annoyed at people for kind of walking past me and trying to move past when I wanted to ask other questions after asking for the time. I didn't gather the balls to call them out, but for a couple of girls, I kind of stepped in front of them as they were walking and asked. The first lady was kind of thrown off but answered my questions, and the other one responded better than usual. And I don't feel very uncomfortable doing that again. Beats being annoyed as they try to snake past you. Again, I know the response doesn't matter, but my subconscious isn't quite there—not yet.

It was funny to see some women's reactions when I said "Is it good?" when we were talking about Starbucks or Subway. You can guess why, but they smiled a little confused and almost playful. I approached one woman who was standing and got pretty close to her (which is hard when the other person is walking towards you... maybe it's better to engage people in conversation when they're standing still), and she gave me the most "heartfelt" description of almost all of them. Very interesting...

I'm considering repeating today until I get more comfortable talking to people as if they're people I know well (and not mirroring them at all), but I haven't run into any inability on my part to carry out the drill yet. And I'm getting kind of bored. Maybe I'll drive somewhere else to do it again tomorrow, since I've already hit up this place twice in three days. Chris says good things about repeating days, and tomorrow's Friday, so I have time to burn. So... let's see what happens.

P.S. Some feels incoming:

Also, today I realized something. To be frank, I thought I had social anxiety, and was even questioning doing this program since Chris had said maybe it's not a great idea if you have crazy anxiety. Like social phobia. I thought I had that. Listening to the audio today really made clear some feelings I had on the topic in the past week that I've been doing this... I realized I don't really have social anxiety. Yeah, I can't go up to girls I'm really attracted to and make open conversation with them yet. I've definitely overthought pretty much all conversations (still do) and I'm still fucking neurotic and maybe I've avoided making real guy friends for years now (I'm 25, by the way), but shit, I'm not that socially anxious. I don't go to the grocery store at 3 am to avoid seeing people. I can go up to any stranger and ask anything reasonable. I don't run away.

Where my anxiety does peak is inconveniencing people. And I've isolated myself quite a bit in the past (for any exposure therapy students out there, you may know that this is the number one, number one thing, the kryptonite of exposure therapy and will make even the most social person into an introverted anxious POS—avoidance). Like being part of a group of people that I hardly know (but who know each other). That shit's proper scary. But one step at a time.

Day 9
Time, Leave (talk to very first girl you see; DONT let her slip by)
Time, Have you ever eaten at [nearby restaurant]?, Leave
Time, Have you ever eaten at [nearby restaurant]?, Did you like it?, Leave

I did this in about an hour at a supermarket. Asked the very first girl I saw as soon as I walked in for the time. Actually, I kind of messed up and also asked her if she'd eaten somewhere, so I started over with the next girl. And so on and so forth.

I thought it'd be harder than it was to ask people "Did you like it?" even after they said they'd never eaten somewhere, but it was actually really funny. Those 2 seconds of someone trying to respond to that question were something to behold. That's something I really, really want to expose myself to, even though the thought of it (right now) is pretty scary. The gradual approach is great.

There was an ancient Greek philosopher, a Cynic, named Crates. According to an account from Diogenes Laertius, Crates "constantly reproached the courtesans, training himself to endure their abuse.” The Cynics were a school of thought that kind of emphasized living free as yourself, and literally just social freedom. They'd even masturbate in public, go against the social norms, and desensitize themselves. Funny people, but man, these ideas of exposure therapy are old. And they really work.

Something fucking hilarious happened though. One girl, I think I walked around too much instead of talking to her straight away, and I picked the wrong time to change up the restaurant I was asking about and kind of stumbled over my words a bit when asking if she'd been there, and she looked at me and said, "I have a boyfriend."

Hahahaha, holy shit. I didn't know this really happened in real life. We were in the middle of the aisle and there were others around us. I told her something like, "I just wanted to know if it was any good." as she walked away, and she looked back and said "Oh" and looked kind of embarrassed for herself. As I walked away, I felt my cheeks get warm. I don't think I've ever blushed before. It kind of threw me off, but I know that's what we're going for, and I kind of got a kick out of it. Amazing.

Also saw one of the hottest girls I've ever seen there. Like a raven-haired thin girl with bangs. Kind of looked like an Eastern European beauty. But she was with another guy, and although I've asked done the drills on girls that are with couples before, it feels like kind of cheating since the guy usually answers for the girl, and it doesn't make me any more anxious, so I didn't go for it. I definitely will next time. A couple of times, I would skip a girl I saw for some reason, then stop and think about it for a second, and walk after them and ask them. I think that was good. One older lady, after saying she didn't know the place I was talking about, came after me a few minutes later and told me she just remembered eating there and gave me the directions. Aww.

Fun day! Towards the end, I would just say the lines in the drill with more or less a straight face. Not trying to qualify my question. Just asking, "Ever eaten at XXX?" and "Did you like it?" It was suddenly really easy. I would have thought about that girl's "I have a boyfriend" reaction for days in the past, shitting on myself for asking for it by being creepy. But it just seems so funny to me now. And I'm taking lessons from my actions (and understanding that her reaction was by and far an outlier), instead of being emotional about it and not learning anything. Maybe because of the last week's experience, maybe because she was just one of the 20+ women I talked to within the hour, and maybe because someone else wrote these directions and I'm not personally invested in people's answers. Maybe that's the point.

Also, I've decided not to make up my own additions to drills in my head for now, since Chris seems to have designed a great program that controls for a lot of things and eases you in. He's thought of everything. So I'll be happy trusting the system now, and just doing the drill.

Day 10
Time, Leave (talk to very first girl you see; DONT let her slip by)
Time, Do you know if there is a movie theater near here?, Leave
Time, Do you know if there is a movie theater near here?, Have you seen any good movies lately?, Leave
Repeat this 5 times today, you will speak to 15 girls in total.

I unwisely took a nap in the middle of the day and woke up at nearly 9 pm. Thought, "Why didn't I do the drill earlier? I guess I'll just do it tomorrow." But no way. How hard is it to find 15 girls, if I really wanted to, even somewhat late at night? Not very. So I left the house and went to a bookshop.

Went for the first lady I saw in there (lots of women in bookshops late at night on Saturdays) and asked the time. Asked the next lady for the time and the movie theater (which was pretty close). Was pretty easy and I didn't really have trouble asking the next girl for whether she had seen any good movies lately, and she just went on and on. She seemed to want to keep talking, but I didn't think I would be able to finish the drill if I didn't hurry it up a bit and said thanks and moved on. Did it again.

The only bad part for me was an anxiety for whether the lady I asked had heard me asking the last lady, or whether the last lady was hearing me ask this next lady for the time. As I was walking around the aisles, I felt at one point paranoid that people were looking at me and wondering what the hell I was doing asking everyone for the time over and over. I forced myself to stop, really look at people, and ask myself whether they were really looking at me any differently, or if it was all in my head. It was all in my head.

Did like 3 of the sets in the bookstore, and then moved on to a department store and did the next set there. The first lady was pretty friendly and had a great smile. I was tempted to ask her for the movie theater and what movies she'd seen lately, but I know it wouldn't be great to do that. It's about doing the drill, not about the reaction. The next lady was a large woman, who was gruff with her answer. Finished the set with another lady, asked another for the time, so now I had 5 to go.

Went back to the bookstore and looked around for whether the previous women I had asked had mostly turned over and left. Finished the drill except one, which I wanted to do somewhere else. Here's why: when I did the time, and then the time-and-theater question, the third time-theater-and-what-movies question was easy. I wanted to go into it cold.

I went into a coffee shop and sat next to a woman, and asked her for the time, where the movie theater was, and if she'd seen any movies lately. She said she hadn't. I said thanks anyway. When I got my drink and was about to leave, she stopped me on the way out. She had pulled up showtimes for the movie theater, and we went through each of the movies together and talked for like 5 minutes. It was, in a word, nice.

Going into the city tomorrow. Will do the day 11 there. Not going to look at what it is until just before I do it, just as I have been doing so far.

Day 11 Drill (Level 2)
Time, Leave (talk to very first girl you see; DONT let her slip by)
Time, Is there a place that sells cell phones around here?, Leave
Time, Is there a place that sells cell phones around here?, What phone do you have?, Leave
Time, Is there a place that sells cell phones around here?, What phone do you have?, Do you like it? Leave
Repeat this 5 times today, you will speak to 20 girls in total.

I was really not feeling it today. Like questioning my life, want to watch TV till it gets dark, just not feeling it. Straight from waking up. But I forced myself out there anyway. Went to the open-air mall, did the first 3 sets of the drills. A couple people walked away before I could ask them the second and third questions, so I repeated that question until I got someone who didn't. One lady was pretty rude, saying "No" and then telling me "good luck" in a nasty way before walking away. One hot girl answered all my questions without making any overt movements to leave, so that was interesting. The last lady was also very responsive. One lady talked at length about how she doesn't like the Face ID on her new phone, and liked Touch ID instead. Nice. The last two drills were at the supermarket.

Overall, not a very enthusiastic day. I did do one exposure of my own after the very last drill. I realized I'm anxious about people honking at me in traffic if I do something stupid. I decided to expose myself to it, like really committed myself. So I was the first car at a traffic light, and when it turned green, I didn't move. 5 seconds passed. 10 seconds passed. I was about to break, but then the car behind me gave a quick honk. And this feeling of ecstasy kind of rushed in and I moved. Good to face these kinds of things.

Day 11 repeat

Took the day repeat thing at the end of yesterday’s directions seriously. Went to a college campus and asked some girls the drills again. Was easy, more laidback. One last girl, a very tall and large student, ignored my third question and walked away. Like literally ignored it and acted all weirded out. But I’ve never felt more unfazed. Hahaha

Did 3 sets, but then it got dark and I had to see a movie. So that’s okay for now.