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Today was a pretty good day. My biggest trip up throughout the process has been people (including girls I did the drills on.. noticing me doing drills. I think I overcame that (somewhat today).
Drill 13 Time, Random question- Do you know anywhere that sells good wine?, I got a promotion at work/Passed my test at school and I want to celebrate, What type do you recommend?, Leave
Went to a mall for this one. Did the drill on the same women twice (by accident) the first time she did not want to give me the time. The second time she did. This was a very good thing.
Drill 14: (20 high fives)
-Only gave out 10 high fives. I definitely tried 20 times but girls did not want to give me a high five! Will get 10 more tomorrow. IDK if its cheating but I tried approaching groups of girls to get high fives from EACH.
This drill wasn't very uncomfortable but it was annoying how hard it was to get high fives!
Also, a girl I tried to give a high five too at first didn't want to give me one. I tried again, she smiled and gave me one.
Reflection: I DEFINETLY feel the program working. I am feeling more social in general.
Another thing I have noticed is that I am starting to get very good at noticing girls that are checking me out. Every time I approached girl who was looking at me first (once a day) they are always VERY happy that I approached them.
-Today was a bit tough. I did the drill fasted so the anxiety was "worse" than it usually is. I probably wont do that again. However, I finished the drill.
Some thoughts. Im going to rant a little bit but because I should put this somewhere. This program captivated me because I think I realized that AA runs really deep. This thought is definitely confirmed. While I am going through some of these drills I am realizing that I am also facing psychological issues that I should have faced some time ago. I am glad I am taking the time to face them now. Some of them include:
A) Self consciousness about my race. I look kind of Armenian but Im half mexican/half white. This kind of screwed me up for all kinds of reasons that don't matter. I currently live in a really white neighborhood. The fact that I am facing this here is really healthy.
Societal Approval. A keep thinking"what will people around me think that I am doing this." Another thought when I "man up" and do the drills is "WHO CARES." This internal dialogue is great.
This AA program is fantastic. It may sound a bit dramatic but I feel like I am becoming a different person.
Also, would it be possible to change my username? I think people I know may stumble on this journal.
Drill (Finish 10 high fives with girls standing still)
Today SUCKED it was valenties day and there weren't any girls standing still. Took forever to have received high fives. SOOO many girls didn't want to give them to me. The time in between girls got me in my head.
Was fucking weird I was walking around pretty much fiending for high fives.
I feel like a failure. I wasnt satisfied with my ABC performance so I tried to go back and do that drill for the past two day. However, I freaking COULDN'T. I would literally find any excuse to not execute. 1) Shes with friends
2) The area is too crowded
3) She seems like shes in a rush.
I feel pretty discouraged. I am not going to quit the program but the last two days were rough to say the least. Somethng about this abc drill is seriously tripping me up. I literally spent at least 6 hours or more over the last few days trying to tell girls the fucking ABCs.
Im coming to the conclusion that feeling embarrassed in front of others is really at the core of my fucking anxiety. I can't stand it. I seriously cannot think of anything else other than executing this drill. And then when it comes time to do them I end up getting trapped in my head.
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.