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Homeskills wrote: Try not to stress about it because that'll just make it worse.
That's absolutely true, it is a self fulfilling prophecy and a negative spiral.
I don't care about what the girl thinks, because I know she will keep seeing me, I would care if she was a random girl that I wanted to retain. I CARE. It makes me feel that I'm not a man. And thinking that probably makes it worse as you say.
Just kind of echoing what homeskills said. I had performance anxiety strike me down TWICE this past week. Yeah dude it makes you want to jump off a bridge when a girl you want to fuck is naked in front of you and your dick won’t get up. But like homeskills said, it’s not the end of the world (even though it feels that way in the moment). Happens to a lot of guys. I’m trying to get some Cialis too but I’ve never taken it before. If anyone has a good link for online Cialis that’s legit and not crazy expensive please pm me.
Really enjoyed reading about how you conquered day 26. That was awesome.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Gabo, Vergil
Slacked off September 24
Did 1 set of day 27 (Re-do) September 25
Did 1 set of day 27 (Re-do) September 26
Did 1 set of day 27 (Re-do) WITH CHALLENGE
I'm glad that I decided to re-do this day sober, because it is hard. I walk around a lot, let opportunities slip by, don't get in there at all and that has been a constant problem in the program. I'm reading through other losers logs and that's my parameter to say that my performance in this day and all throughout week 4 sucked ass. I get stuck in my head pretty easily, and I take a lot of time to re focus in my goal: killing anxiety/finish the AA program. I've kinda fallen a little bit in a "spiritual loophole" where my inner "self help coach" says "don't worry about material stuff, just be happy, stop fighting", but that's just another way to stay comfortable. I have to EARN THE RIGHT to take it easier, for now I am obligated to KEEP PUSHING and accept that the next couple of months will be hell, with lots of ups and downs. I have to work my ass off so everything after that is smooth sailing.
On the flipside, I got a new haircut, and also tried a lot of T shirts since summer is coming (didn't buy any). I'm starting to get better fashion iq and realized that buying clothes is a numbers game too, just try a lot of different stuff and gain experience until you find the one that goes well with you (clothes that FIT YOU are so so important). I will finish the program in December just when summer starts so I will start a looks/style log so I can start maxing out my looks to start approaching with great looks. I've been comparing myself with people I considered hot in highschool and I'm hyped because I see it is possible to get in the same level of hotness as my crush (maybe 1 point less) with some tweaks in my appearance. I thought that would never be possible, thanks gll. Speaking of things that I thought were impossible: getting a BIGGER DICK. I measured my dick and I increased length by 2cms in 1 year with manual exercises (started really consistent, then it was on and off). Started 13cms (below average) and now I'm 15cms (average or slightly above average). This made me very optimistic, if I get the bathmate I will have a big cock in a couple of months! This is almost of equal importance as not having aa so THANK YOU GLL.
(my phone sucks, the pictures are in a weird ratio so they rotate when I upload them here)
Day 27 Re Do 1 set WITH CHALLENGE September 28
Visited my fuckbuddy and we masturbated mutually as usual. I got hard and maintained the erection, which I could barely do in her house on other occasions But, most importantly, I really enjoyed, ended up relaxed (almost sedated) and got out of my head for the first time in weeks. I'm getting more comfortable with sex. I fingered her with 2 fingers (I had a lot of persistence) they penetrated her just a little bit because she is so tight. I moved my fingers a little bit and she orgasmed. We didn't have sex because we didn't have condoms (my fault). There is no rush anyway.
No drills. September 29
Did day 28 (nerd glasses), it was very easy, I did it in 30 minutes, which is fast for my standards. I didn't push myself very hard today but it is nice to give myself a break. I will try the challenge 4 times tomorro (or maybe today), I will be a little bit selective with the girls I do the challenge (girls I actually want to fuck so it comes more authentic).
Did 1 rep of day 28 with challenge (would you fuck me if I had nerd glasses) and it was very hard, it took me like 2 hours to have the courage to do it. The girl I drilled on was quite hot and she was extroverted so the drill was as smooth as it could get. She responded "umm I don't know" (yeah babe, I know you would fuck me, I would fuck me too).
The problem is that I tried to do it "authentically" instead of just fucking with the girl, so everything was on the line
No drills. But I did something important. This girl from college that I wanted to ask out. She went home earlier from class and I said that I had to go out earlier too because I had to study. She said she had to study too and she INVITED ME TO HER PLACE (she lives alone). At that point I was super nervous, but was able to small talk like a normal human being. We studied for an hour. Then we smoked wee, listened to music, I played ukelele, she complimented my skills even though I never played one (just guitar).
So eventually, in a very non smooth but slightly proactive way I squeezed her arm and said "Give me kiss. Come on girl" and... rejection, she said "oh, you misunderstood it, I just invited you to have some company". Then we hang out a little bit more, it was not too awkward (I did a decent job at not being too upset by the situation) and she kept insisting that I shouldn't misunderstand things. She asked what did she do that I interpreted it that way so she changes it in the future and I said that I prefer to read more than to read less and she shouldn't change anything.
I will try to not overthink this too much but here are the possible scenarios:
-She likes me but she doesn't want to happen too quickly. The girl doesn't seem to have issues with sex but I may come across as boyfriend material.
-I was completely dellusional and she doesn't like. I probably meet her looks threshold but I lack confidence/coolness (I'm too nervous around her).
-This one is the one that I'm afraid the most: she wanted sex but asking for a kiss make her think that I wanted a relationship.
Anyway, there is a lot to learn from this experience. I probably should have escalated on her differently, like grabbing her hand, doing a massage, etc. But at the moment anxiety kicks in and it is hard to execute, it is hard to even think.
Did day 28 (nerd glasses) remaining 3 challenges (would you fuck me if I had nerd glasses). I was super scared about this one and it still makes me kind of uncomfortable but reactions were overwhelmingly more positive than expected, all of them laughed at that creepy shit.
Did day 29 (super high fives) 12/10 in about 90 minutes. Started easy, then it got hard because I had 5 rejections in a row and got in my head, then it was easy again.
I felt a little bit sick today, but the drill helped me to get in a very good "vibe", like no other drill before. Feeling sick helped in some sense because I felt a little bit desensitized to everything in a good sense. I felt a good amount of social freedom at some point in the end. I was rejected like 60% of the time but in the end was rejected way less This was partially because I got in a better mood as I did the drills, but mostly because I was more selective in a good way, I have to trust my instinct, I'm usually right about what girls will respond positively. I drilled on a girl who was probably underage but she was hot and dressed slutty so I went for it and she super high fived me of course. Younger girls are undeniably more happy and submissive.
On another note, I talked with my therapist about what happened with the girl that invited me the other day. Having a pretty woman in her late 20's (my therapist) tell me that all I did was good, and the girl was hysterical as fuck makes all the money I pay for therapy worth it. I reflected about the issue and it is probably a sense of entitlement and killer instinct thing. I thought about what Chris said in day 29 audio about 'forcing yourself' and that's basically killer instinct. It is politically incorrect, it sounds bad and it looks bad from the outside but the girl WANTS you to be persistent and force yourself into her. I used to be a believer of gender equality. In an ideal world, you will tell a girl that you like her and she will said that she likes you, and you will both agree to have sex. But that's simply not how reality works. Girls will rarely give you the green light and will contradict themselves over and over, if you ask for permission they will refuse, but if you just do it instead they will have an awesome experience because they wanted it in the first place. But no one tells you this, because it is politically incorrect. My father never told me this.
Day 29 (super high fives) RE-DO 3/10. Felt a little bit tired today.
Day 29 RE-DO 10/10. Also did 1 where's the beach.
Day 30 12/20. I was doing pretty well with this one actually. Did 10 squeezes+nice in 5 minutes But tried to change location and that was a mistake, ended up walking endlessly trying to find the perfect bar, and I couldn't find a single bar with enough people standing. I like crowded places for anonymity. Eventually it became too late and no people around. Came.back to the first bar but there was very few people, did 2 squeezes+cute and left. Will repeat tomorrow
Did day 30 21/10. First set 10 minutes. Chilled a little bit (20 minutes), second set 15 minutes. When I repeat this day I wil try to slow down when I walk past this girls and say "CUUUTE" louder. Also I will try to look back everytime I do the squeezes.
Earlier this day I had the weirdest reaction ever. Recently I have been doing extra reps (mostly high fives) on the go, in my daily routine. I high fived a girl, she was smiling first. It was at the subway station. But then she panicked and started calling her boyfriend who was on the other side of the station. She was asking for HELP and saying "I don't know if he put drug on me with his hands!!!" I guess that's the downside of living in a third world country, people are more worried about their security. Although things like that happen in reality, everything is exaggerated by feminism, and now we live in a society where men and women are scared of each other.
I tried to stay calm, act like nothing happened, don't look around. Nothing happened and I continued my day normally.
Which single drill was the hardest for you?
Day 26 (who's your daddy) was the hardest, it took me almost 2 weeks to do it acceptably. You could say it was because of the bad reactions (I got plenty), but actually I got the best reactions in the entire program too. And there were other drills where I got bad reactions but weren't as hard. Another factor might be length of the interaction and that it is an outcome dependent drill, you need people to engage a little bit in order to complete the drill.
Second hardest drill was day 6 'been there?', it made me quit the first time. I don't know why.
Of course, I will re-do the drills I didn't do that well at, to crush the fear once and for all. I've planned a specific schedule for this but I will not post that here since this is a journal. Let's say It will be a deload week.
I will focus, specially with the easiest drills, on factors that aren't inherent to a specific drill like: people overhearing, samedrilling a girl, boyfriends, moms, girls that I'm not sure are underage, speed (GET IN THERE concept).
How are things going so far?
I got exactly the results I earned. I did a decent job but not excellent, so I improved my social freedom a little bit but I would be lying if I said I have crazy gains. For now it feels like when you have more vascularity right after a training session but it is deceptive, then you go back to normal. I feel like real gains only happen long term.
Some friends have pointed out that I'm more extroverted, I take the compliment, but I have higher standards of what social freedom is.
How does the future look?
At this point I am 100% sure that I will finish the program in 2 months, unless something really really bad happens. The question is will I actually kill approach anxiety once and for all or will I just 'finish' the program? If I want to actually kill anxiety I must work harder. This is my opportunity to redeem myself from a lifetime of not working hard.
But I also feel that the best is yet to come. The next drills are closer to actually hitting on women, to be honest I don't feel comfortable with the funny man/indirect stuff, it is not me. Also, as I said earlier, social anxiety is my sticking point and now I'm finally overcoming it, so now I will kill it
October 8 and 9
Asking for the time. Planned to do more days of week 1 but was a little bit busy. October 10
Most bizarre day ever in this fucking journey. I don't know where to begin. I was doing my time thing as usual. Entered to my usual mall. Asked a girl for the time. As soon as a I did that, a bunch of guys come over and say "You didn't wanted to know the time, do you?" I freaked out. One of them says "You are doing daygame?" At first I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about. They kept asking so I finally admitted, but said that I was just doing drills to desensitize myself. They said they went to a workshop of a famous spanish PUA that came here. They asked if I went there I said no. Also they were kinda surprised I was rolling solo. They asked what guy I followed and I named goodlookingloser (I shouldn't).
We talk a little bit more. One of the guys has been doing this for six years. We walk and they ask me why my approach was so indirect, if I was having problems with being shy and of course I said I was shy. They start to pressure/root for me me to approach and I was fucking panicking because I've never done any real approaches. I see the main guy doing some approaches. Of course, indirect pua like, with opinion openers and shit, theyused the pua lingo, they asked me if my jacket was for peacocking (it was hot inside). I was feeling like a fucking pussy, until finally I used that as a motivator to just do it, I won't be a pussy in front of this guys. You could say that doing this with other guys is easier but for me it is really not, I'm a loner, don't get along well with people, I don't like working in teams and I don't like sharing stuff. But at the same time this was the golden opportunity to prove that what I've been doing (AA drills) was worth it.
At first I did pseudo approaches, not actually trying to engage the girl, bailing the interaction too quickly, kind of similar to week 6 drills. I don't remember exactly my first approach, but I remember the first approach where I didn't bail or the girl didn't leave, it was a colombian girl, I said the basic guy line I thought you were cute and wanted to say hi, compliment, asked her if she worked here, if she liked the country, the city, etc, presented myself, handshake, eventually went for the number and got it (not sure if real or not yet).
As the evening progresses, I get more comfortable, I approach more (don't remember most of the approaches, I think I did 15-20 in total), the main guy still does the indirect shit, and I keep maxing my social freedom. He was about to approach a girl but the girl ends up talking to another guy. He started to think that he didn't knew him and she approached him, I say to him, no, she knows him, don't be in your head. So then I go and high five both guy and girl (the girl was smoking and I almost threw the cigarrette of her hand) and I ask if they both knew each other and she says yes.
We then approached in the street. The main guy approached a girl, I see cute-hot girl just next to them and I approached her lol, two approaches happening in 2 square meters. The girl was really into it, happy, smiling, compliment her, say she is beautiful, etc etc (for me it is easier to be direct than indirect, I can't think of stuff to say and saying to a girl that she is pretty comes from the bottom of my heart), I ask for number but she says that she has a boyfriend but if not for that she would totally do it (I know she meant it). The girl was hot and that was a big fucking ego boost, it was all I needed to feed up my sense of entitlement.
As the night progresses they get more and more discouraged, they started to say shit like "girls in this area are too hard", "argentinean girls are the hardest", "feminism and she situation and bla bla bla" (a girl said to a guy that he could get arrested for this and it set it back a little bit in his head), excuses and I'm like "bro, this is probably one of the best spots in the world to approach women, there is unlimited pussy". I realized the value of the aa drills, because they keep getting more discouraged with every approach while I get more momentum.
I notice how they keep avoiding hot girls, they approach average or barely above average girls, that never resonated with me, one of the reasons I was anxious at first is that they pressured me to talk girls I didn't WANT to talk in the first place or that I knew that were a waste of time (girls in groups, girls working, etc). Today I comfirmed something that was a constant during the program, it is easier for me to talk to hot girls, because with the average girls I'm more on the fence with the "she's not my type" excuses. It was a big WIN, I started being subordinated to the frame of this main guy but ended up feeling like my worldview triumphed over theirs, like I was a fucking GOD.
And I have the creepiest reaction. I did the bieber drill just for the lulz on a grop of a guy who seemed gay and a girl. The guy was cockblocking as I was trying to talk to the girl, and the girl turned to be a religious fanatic and started to talk me about God and how He knew me, loved me, followed me everywhere, in my room, in my thoughts. Totally bizarre. If there is one bad reaction that can throw me off is this one, because I have issues with this kind of stuff. Nevermind fear of rejection, my AA is made about thoughts like that. But kept approaching like a champ. because the girl was fucking crazy. And in my last approach I got an instagram from a girl. So it was like 20 approaches 2 numbers.
I feel kind of sorry for them because they just don't have access to the right information. Everything is late in Latin America and PUA is still a thing. I could show them GLL (well, maybe not because they don't read stuff in english) but it would be hard pill to swallow, they would give me shit. I feel like the guy who saw the daylight in the allegory of the cavern. I feel a little bit guilty, because it is like I have this cheat code that is the AA program and I feel like this is unfair. This guys were cool though, they were dorky to some extent but they helped me with some stuff because they actually have more experience and I still lack social skills. Some times pua gets right body language, at least they control it consciously, maybe towards the wrong goal but they control it. I think this has incidence in the real approaches, it is part of confidence/social freedom, you may feel socially free but if you have nervous ticks that you have not because of anxiety but because they are bad habits, you won't seem as confident, and that has impacted my performance in drills like high fives or whos your daddy where you have to ENGAGE the girl. I must not be arrogant just because I have better information in my hands, practice is important and I can learn stuff from this guys even if they don't rationalise it well. Take what's useful, discard the rest. Also, it is always good to hang out with guys that are trying to do the same as you, it is not gll but that's what it's available in the third world, I was very luck to find these people. As Chris says, it gives you permission.
I will only do real approaches when I'm with this guys just because I don't want to be a fucking pussy. 100 approaches seem like nothing, and if I can fuck a 7.5/10 in the 100th approach, ths is totally worth it and doable. But I know that the best for my development is to keep doing the drills and I'm more motivated to finish the program, because I've just seen it work in full power.
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.