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Day 4: I succesfully asked 5 girls for the time. My time was 14:30. Also drilled on a girl to warm up, but I didn't count that because I hadn't arrived to location. Neutral to positive reactions. My Anxiety was moderate to low. I wasn't nervous, but the volume of my voice could be better (it tends to be too soft). I did let some opportunities slip off. 2 were stationary, 3 were moving. 4 were alone, 1 was in a group with another woman. Some were hot, some were not. Drills didn't get easier, mostly because I was afraid of running twice into the same girl, etc. I couldn't remember exactly the face or the body or clothes of the girls that I already interacted. It is like my mind went blank when doing the drill (Is that normal?). Also, I think that, in the first drills I could frame myself to believe that I really needed to know the time, but in the later drills I felt that it was "unnecesary". I just don't like to bother people (ultimate nice guy sindrome). I felt better afterwards, it was pretty much like going to the gym, and then having the satisfaction of completing the work that I had to do. Definetely felt more socially free, and started to think about all the weird restrictions that social conditioning put to us, like having to stay x amount of time in a place, moving in a specific way, etc (but decided not to think to deeply on that, totally unproductive)
Day 5 Today I felt a little bit shittier in the morning than the day before, maybe my "social muscles" were sore?
Went to the street, asked 5 girls for the time. 3 (one of them was really hot) didn't know the time and gave me a dry answer (not bad, just dry), the other two, which were uglier, were more receptive and helped me. My time was 16:30, slightly bit worse than yesterday, but there were less girls in that area. Also got a bit paranoid of a guy following me. Then went to a nearby mall and repeated the sequence. One girl was kinda hot. Another girl was with her boyfriend, but he was fat, so he didn't intimidated me. Girls had warmer reactions, probably because girls in the street were more scared to pull their phones out (quite reasonable). My time was 9 minutes, quite better. There was a higher density of girls, so that made it easier. Also, I wanted to get over with drills and just go home, so I did them as quick as possible. I remained calm in all of the approaches, next time will try to establish more visual contact and project my voice more. Drills didn't get more pleasant or less awkward, but I did them more automatically, like I was just doing my job. Hopefully thrusting my penis in and out of various hot women's vaginas will feel like a job one day. I only felt better afterwards, like yesterday, it was kind of a "relief" I didn't feel like the approaches were rewarding, but I definitely gave less fucks. I think that is the feeling that I must aim for. Walking up to a girl without hesitation, open my mouth, say something arbitrary, no big deal and most importantly, not feeling like shit after that: that is what success is supposed to feel like.
Again, most of my issues come from having an identity of a nice guy (kid). I am honestly afraid of becoming a sexual predator, being kicked out by security guards, etc. But I am already seeing improvements. Two days ago talking to random chicks on tinder scared the shit out of me. Now I am determined to get a committed fuckbuddy as soon as possible because the later part of the program seems kinda impossible without that (or a performance enhancing drug, which I also should consider if I want to have any chance of getting rid of my approach anxiety forever).
Day 6: Yesterday it was hard. I only did 5 drills out of 15 and only time and time, directions. Couldn't bring myself to ask "Time, directions, have you been there?" My internal dialogue was "This is weird, this is weird, this is weird". I had a really long walk though the street, then the mall, and then again the street. STRONG Fight or flight sensations (even though there were no bad reactions at all, I felt bad, like I haven't felt in years). I felt like I wasn't "cool enough". At least I improved the quality of my approach, spoke louder, with a firm intention (maybe because that was my way of fighting). "You just can't walk up to a girl, even if it is just for asking the time, innocently, you have to strongly believe in yourself" (that is how I felt at that moment but now that I saw other logs that did this day easily, maybe it is not normal to feel the desire to man up in order to do such a simple task). I started to have negative views about women, like they are all bitches and I should approach them aggressively and not letting them to win the battle.
It's just so different to read the "theory" from the comfort of your home than actually being there in a crowded mall and being freezed. Experience... everything else is meaningless. YOUR experience, not another guy's experience. Only when you have the experience you can understand experience from others. It is not the same to read GLL posts before doing the program (mental masturbation) than now. It is so easy to fall back into the social conditioning. Part of that was due to going to a mall in an area where I spent most of my childhood. Doesn't matter that there is tangible evidence that this program works, there is always the feeling of "what if this doesn't work for me?" "what if this doesn't work here?" "what if simply weak and will never achieve anything?" "Maybe it's survivor's bias, it works of 1/10 guys and you only see the 10%". Insecurity is not rational. That's why this forum is so important, seeing other people that struggled with the same shit and succeded brings hope. But also, there are lot of people that start enthusiastically, saying basically the same shit as me or everyone "I want to get pussy" "I want to be socially free" "This is the last time (swear, last time!) that I'm going to be a pussy" only to never appear again -obviously signing some random petition is not enough for accountability. I don't wanna be them, I don't wanna be another number. I wanna be in the self-improvement mindset, not in the rat race mindset. I have reflected today and I have legitimate reasons for doing this program (beyond the initial hype), but I wont rant to deeply about this yet. I will complete this program, even if I quit and come back 10 times, even if I do it in 1 year.
In the same day I went to a therapist to see if I had social anxiety. Maybe I will expand on this in the Social Anxiety forum, but basically I have some degree of Social Anxiety but it is not severe by any stretch. It matches with GLL's test, I fall in the category of "I can do 10-14 by myself, with or without hesitation". I have to take this program slowly. Obviously didn't felt comfortable enough asking for the time. I just somehow did them fast anyway. " Also, I wanted to get over with drills and just go home" That is totally not the mindset to do this stuff. Guys that are succesful with this do a lot more drills than they have to do. The amount indicated is bare minimum. It doesn't work unless it is cake, maybe it takes 5 repetitions, maybe 30. It isn't positive reinforcement if you think back and cringe, you have to think back and wonder why it was so hard in the anticipation. So before I go to day 6 I will ask for the time until it becomes boring. I live in a very populated city (3 million people), I have plenty of time (literally could spend lots of hours in the mall). There are a lot of malls, and I live in walking distance to one. There is zero risk of running out of girls. If the same people sees me, probably a) they will be worried in their own shit b)will have social anxiety and won't do shit. And if they do something it probably won't be that bad, I will still be alive and will have more experience. Even if security guards want to put me behind the bars, I will probably outrun them (honestly, judging by their looks most of them won't do shit).
I'm restarting the program. I stopped doing it because a) I was too scared b) I had some legit social anxiety. I am going to a psychologist since february. Talk therapy is useful to an extent, and I made some progress, although it wasn't a lot, because I didn't put that much work and I wasn't that socially anxious to begin with. It helped a lot to organise my schedule and get rid of negative thinking.
Meanwhile, I used Tinder, got a few matches but didn't went on any dates. I went on two dates with a girl I met in school. I tried to kiss her in the first date but she said I was going too fast lol. That was a lot of exposure. After the second date she said she wasn't interested. It wasn't a total waste of time, I gained exposure of course and didn't waste money, but it was a little bit frustrating. Anyway, I'm messaging girls on a daily basis, that's good.
Another big thing was that I started training Muay Thai, I have been doing it for 4 months, 3 days a week and been doing it pretty consistently. It has done wonders for my confidence and for my masculinity. You're not a man if you are scared to punch/being punched by people in the face. I recommend it to anyone. You carry yourself differently when you know you could probably beat the shit out of someone with the same bodyweight and height.
Now, again, I'm in a position where I have a completely empty schedule for 1 month (I'm very lucky) and I'm not going to waste this opportunity. I live in a very crowded area, absolutely imposible to run out of girls (there is a fucking mall a few blocks away, jesus). I live in an upper middle class area, so there is plenty of HOT pussy. I already have a good body, I have decent genetics, I have upgraded my style in the last few months, so what's in the way between me and banging hot chicks? Approach anxiety. What's in the way between me and social freedom? Lack of work ethic, multitasking and being too comfortable. Before, I was somewhat insecure/negative, but now I'm in a much better place mentally. I'm confident that if I comit full time to the program I will succeed. I will see it through, no matter what. Everything else can wait.
Completing the approach anxiety program is my first goal/priority. Second is drawing (which is my passion/thing I want to do for a living in life).
My time management will be like this:
4 hours AA drills (number 1 goal)
2 hours using tinder, messaging girls, setting up dates, etc
4 hours drawing (Number 2 goal, time that I will sacrifice if I have to set up a date or go out with friends)
1 training Muay Thai, 5 days a week. closely related to number 1 goal
1 hour of penis enhacement session, 2 days on 1 day off. Closely related to number 1 goal.
2 hours of time wasting/reading a bunch of theory/information overload/calling friends and family/browsing good looking loser
2 hours of inevitably wasted time like commute (to the gym), groceries, cooking etc.
AA will be the first thing in the day. For now it will be AA/drawing. When school starts it will be AA/School. The sooner I finish this off, the better. My goal is to beat AA by December 2018. I will try to beat the first half of the program in this month. That's the hardest part. If it gets too hard I might do 6 hours of AA drills, even 8. I will survive. There is no way I don't kill AA if commit 100% to it.
Yesterday was day 4. I asked 25/5 girls for the time. The time where I felt the most anxiety was before leaving the house. The rest was easy, but I still get anxious about samedrilling a girl, or 'people watching' (I get waaay more anxious in crowded areas) Also did some Social Anxiety drills, like going to a store, asking to the employee for their opinion on certain clothe and then not buying anything, going to the restroom in a restaurant without buying anything to eat, etc. I did that about 7 times. That was at morning.
At afternoon I went on a date with girl I met through mutual friends. It was good, the girl was cute, cool to hang out with and she was quite into me, I could tell. I was a little bit nervous, came across totally as boyfriend material but guess what, I kissed her and now I'm one step closer to beating 'Date anxiety' and hence Approach Anxiety.
At night I went on another date with a girl from Tinder. It was kind of waste of time. The girl had absolutely no interest in hooking up with me (or anyone), no sexual vibe whatsoever (I swear, she just wanted to talk). Also she looked way worse in reality, she was short, chubby and her face looked older. But we met other tourists (one of them was hot French girl, she had a boyfriend but still acted slutty, probably sexually available if not for that), so it was good for Social Anxiety.
Edit: I took Phenibut this day before the date. I don't know if it helped that much. I've been trying it the last couple of months different doses, different timings without much effect. But I spent money in it so I will keep trying. I should buy a scale so I actually know what I'm doing. However, went I went out at night I think it amped the effect of alcohol. I drank about 2l of beer and I felt really socially free.
I've fallen behind today. I planned doing 40 drills today but did only 23. I asked for the time to 5 girls in 6 minutes. Took a rest but I spent like a whole hour just looking at my smartphone. Then I did the other 5 drills in 4,5 minutes. The mall was crowded as fuck so that made it quicker to find chicks. The faster you do stuff the easier. On one hand, crowded places make me more anxious, on the other, it gives me more anonymity. I still get anxious about people watching me, doing the drills twice, etc.
Then I drilled 7 other chicks in the street. It was raining outside, harder dynamics but I pushed through. I had some problem with girls with umbrellas, but I still did it.
Didn't do social anxiety drills, didn't go on dates, didn't go out at night.
At night I went to Muay Thai. We did some very light fighting, most people kicked my ass of course. It was good, I mean, my Ego went down to the toilet. I couldn't care less about what other people thought of me. I always go back home after training with some kind of social momentum, or at least a good, relaxed mood, but today it was more on the 'I don't give a fuck' spectrum, and I did about 6 or 7 drills, I don't remember. The dynamics were hard, it was late, raining, and, for the way I was dressed, I had some creep factor going on. But, bottom line, I executed.
I messaged girls in tinder and whatsapp, I still get a little bit anxious about that.
Today I beat my previous sticking point. For some reason the question "have you been there?" bugs me a lot. I did the first two sets at the mall. It wasn't that hard, I guess.
Then I went on a date with the first girl hung out two days ago. It was cool, we made out, I grabbed her hand, I took the lead. Easy. Best thing that happened: I got an erection when kissing her and when seeing her nice little body. I'm past 120 days of No PMO. Jelqing prevents flatlining. Both things work very well together. If I go back to the habit of cold showers (I don't know why, but body temperature has a lot to do with erection) I might achieve a high level of horniness, which is a great motivation to do the drills. I don't have any scientific evidence for this, it might be completely placebo. After the date I did another set in the street.
Late at night, after Muay Thai I did the last set. It was raining lightly, the streets were empty. I said to myself "YOU CAN'T GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE UNLESS YOU FINISH THIS DAY". That forced myself to do it. One thing that I learned doing crossfit (otherwise a complete waste of time) is that you have hidden sources of willpower when you have no other option. The problem is that I don't HAVE to do this, I must but I don't have. It is not essential for my survival, but it is essential for my happiness, which may be more important than survival. So the best thing that could possibly happen to me is to actually have no choice than to do the drills and leave, or at least trick my mind and body into thinking that this is actually the case.
The last rep of the last set was a group of guys and girls, it really stretched me. After that I felt extremely happy, almost like I was on drugs, probably even better. Reactions were nice, I mean, they were like wtf but responded yes or no. I know that reactions don't matter for getting laid, but at this stage positive reinforcement is important.
I still have problems with: girls with boyfriends, girls with kids, older women (27-40), people "discovering" me doing this drills. I did a Social Anxiety drill, the one where you ask for a sample of ice cream at the mall. I don't know why it is so hard, that piece of ice cream was the best positive reinforcement though. I think social anxiety is my sticking point, if I get through that I will kill it.
Today it was the day where I spent the most time doing drills. I'm still disapointed with my performance. I only did bare minimum, spent a lot of time walking around and letting opportunities slip by. The only way I see myself doing the program is building the habit of going out for 4+hours and not having other option than to do the drills and leave and build enough momentum to arrive to day 30. I'm all in.
Edit: I forgot to menation that I also did the last rep of the set 4 late at night, at the bus station, and I had done the first two reps of that set in the street at evening. So it was 6 drills at the mall, 5 drills in the street at evening, 4 drills in the street at night.
Today I finished the first week of the AA program.
I went on a date with the French girl from the other day. I asked a girl for a time right after leaving the house. She (the french girl) wasn't as attractive as I remembered, I was probably too drunk. She had a boyfriend, I knew that but I asked her out anyway to see what happens. Nothing happened, I didn't try anything either. She was very amusing though, I corrected her every time she made a mistake when she was talking in Spanish (she asked me to do so). Because of language barrier, there were a lot of awkward moments, so it was good for Social Anxiety. Weird thing that happened: a Brazilian guy, that both of us had met at the bar showed up out of nowhere. She didn't invited him. I will expand on that later.
Later, I decided to do the drills on the street. Went to a spot without people. I listened to Chris audio and it really motivated me, it was such a relief to hear that Scotty and Chris have outwalked me. Then, again, first girl I saw, I approached her. I did 1 set, then I went to Muay Thai.
This thought crossed my mind: why am I able to withstand punches in the stomach but I am unable to have awkward interactions with people? It's such an easy task, on paper. Again, I procrastinated and did the drills late at night, in the street. It was cold and rainy. Again, I was forced to do it so I did it. I did two sets. Then I went to McDonalds, sat on a table without buying anything. It's amazing how when you really need things you find a way to do them. It was cold outside, so I got in there because it was warmer.
While I was in McDonalds, this Brazilian guy messaged me, saying that he was in the same neighborhood as me. He asked me to go drink some beer. He sent me his real time location in Google Maps, he was like two blocks away. Then he showed up at McDonalds... it was very creepy. I walked away but he followed me and kept talking to me. I'm so stupid that I walked in the direction of my house. The guy was very friendly, but he asked suspicious questions. I'm very bad at lying. Then when we were two blocks away from my house he walked away.Right away, I turned off the gps of my phone and blocked him from whatsapp and facebook.
A lot of thoughts crossed my mind. First, that I'm such a good guy. I shouldn't be afraid of doing the drills because of looking creepy. Second, I'm so naive. A lot of what has happened had to do with lack of social freedom. I didn't have the balls to tell him to fuck off because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Haha, pathetic. Doing the AA program is a form of self-defense. What if something bad happens to me or my family because I'm not a man? Survival instinct kicked in. I've been so comfortable my whole life.
After that, doing the rest of the drills was easy. I took a while, but I approached groups of women, couples, without much hesitation. It finally happened: I asked a girl for the time and she said "You already asked me". I said "I'm sorry". It wasn't the end of the world. I asked also another 15 or so women for the time.
Going out and talking to people is making me see reality. Something bad could happen at any moment. People get sick and die, people kill other people, it is rare but it happens, and it happened very frequently back then. Am I prepared to face danger? Certainly not if I'm scared of talking to people.
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.