TOPIC: My AA Journal

Thursday:
- Day 18 completed
- wasn't really too much of a challenge to complete (definitely easier than the last few days)
- did the challenge for the final rep which was slightly tougher and is a good warmup for the bieber hair cut drills done in a gay voice
- I thought the reactions would be more normal than they were (I was surprised how weirded out some women got; one even walked away as soon as I asked about my shirt)
- it seems like the women thought the reps where I talked about the shirt tag were pretty strange
- I tried to just walk away after the drill rather than say something like thanks to end the interaction as Chris recommended
- I wasn't too happy the time question came up again because it makes it harder to drill on consecutive girls but I suppose that isn't a bad thing per se
- I'm finding I'm caring less and less about being perceived as weird and more about just getting the drills done fast so I don't have to allot crazy amounts of time for drilling (I'm finding it easier to embrace the GET IN THERE mentality)
- I find myself saying, "Let's just get this done. Fuck it. She's next."
- Day 18 took me about an hour to complete
- Day 19 tomorrow!

Friday:
- crushed Day 19 in just under 20 minutes
- at first I thought acting gay would be hard and saved it for my last set
- when I finished my third set, the thought came up that the fourth set would be hard to start because of the gay voice but as I was thinking that, I saw a girl and did my first rep of the set and it was surprisingly easy and stayed easy thereafter (this girl just said hey and chuckled)
- I did the How's it hanging' challenge a few times and it wasn't really any harder (though it felt more natural in the gay voice)
- I wasn't really sure what 'completely serious' set meant until I did my first set and I couldn't help but smile a bit while I held back laughter
- by the third set I was able to remain completely serious
- I did it at a college campus which was pretty much deserted but still had enough girls (I pretty much drilled on every girl I saw, including one that was sitting by a bunch of dudes)
- I drilled one girls in groups of two as well three times
- the first time, the girl I talked to asked me to take my hat off and gave me actual advice while her friend walked away
- the second time, the girls were seated and the friend just watched and they laughed after I left
- the third time, I followed two girls, said excuse me to get their attention and make them stop, drilled on them, then walked away without saying anything
- I tried to keep it awkward and left after doing the drills without saying anything or acknowledging what they said the majority of the time
- oddly enough some of the girls were pretty foreign and twice the girls didn't even understand what I was saying
- I was pumped after I did the drills since I did them so fast and easily
- DAY 20 TOMORROW and I'll be at the beach

Saturday:
- spent the day at the beach with friends
- didn't have reception there so I didn't want to split away from the group briefly to do my drills
- did a few reps of Day 20 drills throughout the day as well as one of the future Beach Day drills at a store to a cashier but I was with my friends so these reps were just for kicks and I'm not counting them

Sunday:
- took the day off from drills to relax, do some chores, do meal prep for the week, and catch up on some work
- will crush Day 20 tomorrow morning

Monday:
- went to a mall and finished Day 20 in roughly 30 minutes (first time given was 11:02 and the last time was 11:33 but I did two bonus reps)
- the extra two reps were on the way to my car just for bonus exposure therapy
- when I asked where the bathroom was during the final bonus rep, one of the two girls I approached said it was probably inside the mall and I said okay and kept walking away from the mall toward my car to embrace being seen as weird
- completed the challenge of saying bathroom everytime although I don't see how it's any harder
- the majority of the interactions were neutral responses and a few girls were friendly and really keen to help
- some of the less attractive girls were miserable and dismissive which is pretty standard
- I'm starting to feel like drilling is just grinding out reps and want to get them done as fast as possible to make efficient use of my time rather than having to work up courage to do each rep which is cool
- I'll probably revert back to a more anxious state for the harder drills coming up but hope to overcome the anxiety with them as well
- later at lunch I told my waitress she had nice eyes when paying for some more bonus exposure therapy
- I'm pretty anxious about Day 21 but I think I can do it (a few weeks back when reading Day 21, I thought it would be impossible for me to ever do so feeling like it's possible now means I must have made progress)
- logistically I won't be able to do Day 21 till Thursday night, so I'll move on in the drills till then
- I'm aware it's not recommended to skip days but I'll definitely do Day 21 ASAP; I just don't want to miss drilling on Tuesday and Wednesday
- Day 22 tomorrow!

Tuesday:
- went to a college campus to do Day 22 (these drills were way more weird at a college campus than they would be at a more suitable setting like a mall, which was good)
- I recorded three videos of the reps and missed one rep in-between the recordings as well as one prior to recordings
- the first rep was done as I left my car to a girl walking in a different parking lot lane who looked over at me and I yelled, "Hey," from a distance and waved
- I also did two extra 'hey' drills on the way back to my car for bonus exposure therapy
- I finished the reps in under 15 minutes and really embraced the 'GET IN THERE' mentality and being seen as weird (my third rep even let me know I was weird which didn't phase me at all)
- I completed the ass crack challenge in my reps
- I'll attach a video I threw together of the reps (the audio is crap because my phone was in my pocket and the fabric rubbing against the phone creates a lot of noise)
- I ordered some camera gasses that should be here in a few weeks so I can record my drills in a more efficient way
- Day 23 tomorrow!

Wednesday:
- Completed Day 23 (completely forgot about the Challenge and regret not doing it because it looked pretty challenging)
- on the way out of the elevator to my car I saw a chick and GOT IN THERE and did the drill prior to starting the recording
- she was confused so I repeated myself and she laughed and said something like, "I couldn't tell if you were joking."
- travelled to the planned location of lurking (university campus) and arrived at 1:11 pm (left at 1:46 pm - 35 min total)
- got to it and recorded everything (or so I thought)
- my phone ran out of storage at 11 minutes and 24 seconds so I missed a lot of the reps
- I lost count a few times so I reverted back to a number I knew I had at least done each time I lost count to ensure I did at least 30 reps
- I approached girls by themselves as well as girls in groups (rep 4 was on some female Bible people who set up camp on a railway crossing)
- Right at the end of the drill video I had just entered a building where I went into rapid-fire mode so it sucks that the storage ran out here
- a few loser girls got creeped/weirded out
- a bunch of girls didn't get the reference and were shy about not knowing the answer to my question
- at least one girl didn't get the reference but was helpful
- a bunch of girls laughed and a few followed up the laughter by asking if I was doing a dare or if I was put up to it to which I said no
- in one group of three sitting at a fountain, the girl I targeted had an elaborate response where she told me to hop a fence and go into a construction zone nearby and give big bird a hug and when I walked in a different direction than she told me to so I could drill on another girl walking towards me she yelled out, "You're going the wrong way. That's not how you get to Sesame Street!"
- one girl in a group of two laughed and said, "I'm waiting for what comes next," as if she thought I was hitting on her and I turned around and walked away and drilled on a few others in the area
- once I knew I had done at least 30, I made my way back to my car and made a point to do the drill as much as I could on the way back
- on the way to my car, one girl asked if I had a phone
- I said no and she told me she'd take her phone out and help me but I said, "It's okay. I'll find it," and walked away
- going into these drills the one main concern was the volume of the drills which actually wasn't a problem at all (thanks to the 'GET IN THERE mindset')
- in total, I probably did the drills ~40 times in the 35 minutes walking from my car to and through the campus and back to my car
- going to do Day 21 tomorrow in Toronto and see if I can do it at two places (I had to wait till tomorrow due to logistics to do Day 21 and moved on so I wouldn't miss days in-between Day 20 and Day 21)
- the video of some of my reps today is below:



Thoughts about tomorrow:
- the physical dialogue drills were particularly difficult for me in the past so I'm going to really push myself here
- if I'm being honest, illogical fears come up going into it that girls will report me to staff for touching them (without any apparent reason or follow up conversation) or bouncers/staff will see what I'm doing, confront me, and kick me out (which isn't actually that big of a deal even if it happens)
- obviously logically I shouldn't be worried about those things and this is a great opportunity to work through those fears
- one huge problem I've had historically is getting physical before being 'absolutely certain' the girl is into me and will be 'okay with it'
- for some reason I have a guilt complex where I find myself thinking, "I have no problem doing (insert physical action here) but don't want to do it unless I know she'll be happy with it. I don't want to put her through something she doesn't want." --- nice guy syndrome
- I feel like this came up with the high fives too in the second of the two main fears I experienced during those particular drills below:
1) people seeing me doing something perceived as 'weird' (which I've made substantial progress with by completing the high fives and the various drills since then)
2) the fact some people might have a phobia of touching strangers for some reason like cleanliness concerns and I felt weird asking for people to be a part of that
- when it comes down to it, it's a fear of consequence and confrontation/worst possible scenario which I hope to destroy with the physical dialogue drills and hopefully I'll make a lot of progress in doing so tomorrow!!

Thursday:
- Completed Day 21
- as planned, I went out in Toronto to do Day 21 (1 hour and 20 minute drive to the place)
- as previously stated, physical dialogue is a huge problem area for me so this was a pretty daunting drill set
- I was planning on doing it sober but the $5 cover fee included a free drink ticket that was good for a beer, so I had one (I would have preferred to have a mixed drink since I never drink beer due to its estrogenic side effects, but the ticket was only good for beer and just having one once in a blue moon isn't a big deal)
- I didn't really know what "grab a girl on the arm and squeeze lightly" meant or what it's supposed to look like so it would have been good to have consulted a demonstration reference or example video in advance
- I found myself passing on opportunities early on (at least 3 or so good ones)
- I walked past two girls leaning on a stair railing and just to get some momentum going, I approached them and asked what nearby places are good on Thursday's for a more club-style vibe (the place I was at was a three storey system of small interconnected buildings and had one small dance floor area and a live music area but mostly was a bar-style and sit-down type venue) and they told me about two bars that were located side by side about a 10 minute drive away
- it was pretty easy to just approach with an honest question (thanks to the drills) and I included the, "I'm new around here," line Chris mentions in the 'Going To Bars Alone' program audios
- I actually wanted to know what was good nearby because I planned on doing ten more reps at another location after that, so that helped
- after this, I did my first rep walking by a girl where I put my hand on her upper arm/shoulder in a way that felt more natural than walking up to a girl, grabbing her, then walking away since it was crowded in that location and felt like I was just trying to get by in a bold way
- I did a bunch of reps like this including two where I said, "Excuse me," instinctually (I didn't count those reps)
- for one rep I walked up to a girl who was chugging a beer (she had her head tilted back and the bottle to her mouth for a while so either she was chugging or just drinks super slowly) and squeezed her forearm and walked away
- this girl was looking at me while I did it so I knew I wouldn't startle her and cause her to spill her drink or anything
- I think there was just one other rep where I walked up to a girl in a more open setting where I sort of pinched her forearm with two fingers while making eye contact and walked away
- I did a few reps on the dance floor in the 'club part' as well
- after my tenth rep, I was walking around a bit and saw a cute girl sitting alone with a bunch of groups of people sitting near her in the area
- in the past I would be anxious about having people see me go up to her (only if it didn't go well) but I didn't care much this time (progress!!) and went and asked, "Why is such a cute girl sitting alone?"
- she didn't seem to understand me so I asked, "Why are you sitting alone?" and then she just said the word 'waiting' in a strong accent (I couldn't tell what accent it was and she definitely didn't look like she'd have an accent) in a sort of panic so I said, "Okay cool," and walked away
- a few minutes later I saw some dude sitting with her who I suppose was the person she was waiting for
- as a side note, I think I remember reading before that the place you touch a girl's arm matters and I noticed this while doing the drills
- no one really reacted in any major way if it was on the forearm or closer to the elbow, but if I put my hands on a girls shoulder or higher up their arm, they'd get startled and jump a bit or quickly look to see what was happening (the two most major examples of this led me to instinctually say, "Excuse me.")
- when I was leaving the place through the narrow smoking area, there was a girl facing away who looked pretty decent from behind blatantly blocking the way with two short and tiny guys on either side of her, so I decided to go for a bonus 11th rep
- I put my hand on her shoulder lightly (I just placed it there and didn't squeeze) as I was passing through and she yelled, "JESUS! WAY TO FUCKING SQUEEZE ME!"
- I thought nothing of it and continued at the same pace to my car which was parked nearby
- I drove to the location the girls I asked earlier had told me about and the two places looked more like club-style venues that were more suitable for the squeezing drills (except for a few specific parts of the building, the place I was at was pretty open and had big lead-ups to the drills that were difficult to push through)
- there were big lines so I just called it a night since it was 12:30 and I had a 1 hour and 20 minute drive home but I'm happy I checked the places out so I can hit them up for the next squeezing drills
- On to Day 24 today!

Thoughts/reflections:
- I'll be honest that the thoughts of 'I can't do this' and 'I should give up and try another day' started to come up when I got to the place
- as I've been doing lately, I just tried to silence the negative thoughts by ignoring them, keeping my mind clear, and staying positive
- I told myself that I didn't drive all that way to be a pussy and that it was either now or never
- I told myself to 'JUST GET IN THERE' and that the physical drills were only going to get more challenging and that if I was to have any hope in seeing them through when I get to them, I'd have to man up and get my drills done
- I'm proud I stepped up to the plate last night and hope I have what it takes to keep pushing

Buffles wrote: Thursday:
Thoughts/reflections:
- I'll be honest that the thoughts of 'I can't do this' and 'I should give up and try another day' started to come up when I got to the place
- as I've been doing lately, I just tried to silence the negative thoughts by ignoring them, keeping my mind clear, and staying positive
- I told myself that I didn't drive all that way to be a pussy and that it was either now or never
- I told myself to 'JUST GET IN THERE' and that the physical drills were only going to get more challenging and that if I was to have any hope in seeing them through when I get to them, I'd have to man up and get my drills done
- I'm proud I stepped up to the plate last night and hope I have what it takes to keep pushing

Nice. Keep pushing it.

Friday:
- Completed Day 24 (31/30 reps)
- 2 of the reps were challenge reps
- did the first 17 reps at a campus around 2 PM (It was pretty dead at this time)
- did a few reps walking down a street at 8 PM or so and it was pretty dead so I went to a Walmart to finish the reps
- I recorded the reps with a voice recorder app this time so I wouldn't run out of storage space on my phone from recording video and there seems to be a lot of background noise, but you can still hear the reps
- in total, it took about half an hour of lurking to do the reps
- I approached single girls as well as girls in groups of just girls and girls with guys as well and I'm happy with how much easier 'weird' drills are getting for me to do
- I'm also finding it much easier to consecutively drill on girls in a given vicinity
- video of the reps below:



Saturday:
- taking the day off to work on catching up on other things, doing some chores, relaxing, and getting some rest (I went out Friday night with some friends)
- I found myself able to approach girls way easier and I'm noticing every Friday when I go out that it's getting easier and easier as the weeks go by
- I'm looking forward to the day I master physical screening because the interactions seem to fizzle away pretty quickly because I'm not good at getting physical fast and 'escalating' (my 'killer instinct' still needs a lot of work)
- I also really need to tackle the style aspect and get that in order (my clothing is okay, but not optimal)
- I'll aim to work on style this week
- will crush Day 25 tomorrow

Sunday:
- Completed Day 25 (18/15 Reps)
- 4 of the reps were challenge reps
- reactions ranged from someone getting freaked out (11th rep) to someone answering me the first time I asked and having a conversation with me about it
- in the cases when they didn't answer my question by the end of the rep, I just walked away instead of saying, "I'm just messing with you," every time except for the time the woman seemed legitimately freaked out in the 11th rep
- you can't tell from the audio but the girl in the 17th rep looked super into the interaction and was just shy --- having reactions like this gives such a rewarding feeling, especially when it's while I'm being weird
- I can't wait to capitalize on these good interactions
- the girl in the 10th rep had a pretty good reaction too (at least initially)
- once again, I found it easier to approach girls in groups and girls near other people
- the reps took me just under half an hour to complete and were done in a mall
- I may have mixed up the order of the 2nd and 3rd reps on a few occasions but that's not a big deal
- Gonna hit Day 26 tomorrow!
- video of the reps below:

Monday:
- went out Sunday for the long weekend and went way too hard
- spent the day recovering and didn't do any drills

Tuesday:
- Completed day 26
- didn't do the challenge
- one of the failures involved an almost complete rep (4th Rep (Failed)) but the woman got up as her husband came staring at me and I didn't finish the rep even though I could have and should have
- one of the girls I drilled on (5th Rep) looked like she might be a teenager (14-16) when I was talking to her even though she looked much older from far away so this rep was kind of weird
- it was hard to push through with being weird during certain interactions where they just kept saying they weren't willing to play along but I manned up and did it
- did one set of Day 27 drills as well but forgot about the tapping on the shoulder part so I'm not counting them
- video of the reps below:

Wednesday:
- Completed Day 27 and 28 without the challenges
- started in a mall in a different city and completed Day 27 and the first 11 reps of Day 28 there
- when trying to do the 12th rep of Day 28, the woman (middle-aged) tried to dodge me but I still made light contact and she looked back with a sour face and sinisterly squawked, “Don’t touch me!” (can be heard very faintly in the audio)
- moved to a plaza at a different location for the last reps and was a bit conflicted over the bad reaction I had because it was in line with my illogical fears of 'violating' people by touching them
- I could have stayed there and finished the reps, but the approx. 40 minute break was good to reflect and get my mind back on track
- on the way out, I realized that most of the girls hadn't really reacted to the fact that I touched them and if they had it was because I made it weird with how I treated it
- for example, if I said hey to get their attention before touching them so they wouldn't get scared from the touch (I usually did this), they'd look at me and sometimes watch (if the timing was off) as I awkwardly touched them for no apparent reason and get weirded out but that weirdness was on me
- I realized that if it I didn't make it weird and they reacted to the touch, then it was a problem with them since most girls were fine with/oblivious to touching
- with this epiphany in mind, while walking out to my car, I saw two hot girls in the ideal age bracket walking toward me and decided I would try to just go for the physical contact first without saying hey and try to be confident and slightly douchey (in terms of the 'fucking with her' mindset)
- I know I've been saying excuse me (sounds kinda beta) a lot so I made sure not to include it in this interaction
- I decided I had nothing to lose at this point since I was leaving the mall anyways (sadly, this interaction wasn't recorded as I had already stopped the voice recording)
- I kinda flicked one girl's shoulder as I walked by and said hey and the interaction went like this:
me: Hey, I have a question.
girl: (looks at me)
me: Do you know where I can find nerd glasses?
girl: Nerd glasses? Uh---
me: How COOL are nerd glasses? (cutting her off)
girl: Pretty cool? Haha
me: Pretttttty fucking cool, huh? (turn around and walk away)
girl: (to her friend as they walk away) That was hilarious (they giggle and laugh into the distance)
- this interaction went perfectly and was very satisfying
- it was the ideal demographic for the type of girl to drill on and doing it boldly resulted in no awkwardness; as long as I wasn't weird about it, it was fine (unless she had problems)
- at the new drill location, I messed up the first two reps by not saying, “I have a question,” (I wasn't concentrating on the drills enough yet since I was reflecting over the stuff that had happened at the end at the last location) but got back on track after
- I forgot I did the 11th rep already and repeated it and finished the remaining reps
- on the last rep, some middle-aged woman was facing away talking to her son and when I touched her she got mad but I just continued the rep because I wanted to get it over with (you can hear the pause where I decide not to reply to what she said and just continue with the drill in the audio --- it's pretty funny)
- videos of the Day 27 and Day 28 reps are below:





Thursday morning:
- Completed Day 29 at a college campus in about 12 minutes (11/10 reps)
- I made a point to not skip opportunities and really GET IN THERE
- nowadays most girls have their phone in one hand when walking around so I counted the drill if they used one hand to high five each of my hands separately
- I would repeat myself if they only gave one high five and only moved on if they'd either use their free hand twice or use both hands (even if one had a phone in it) and do the double (the latter case happened a few times)
- the reactions were pretty enthusiastic and I was very satisfied with how much better the actual demographic I'm interested in responds (college campus students)
- the one failed rep was with an awkward foreign student who looked frightened and sped up to walk away (happens a lot with shy, socially awkward people) so I made a point to ignore drilling on people like her since Chris said not to count the day if there were more than 8-10 failed reps (I didn't want to pointlessly inflate my failure count) and there were plenty of good opportunities anyways
- one girl I did the drill on was sitting with her female friend and I walked into the area, singled her out for the drill, then turned around to walk out of the area from the direction I came which was bold, weird, and great exposure therapy
- before this rep, I walked past a glass door where an attractive girl could be seen sitting outside smoking with some dude (who by the way was obviously not with her) sitting beside her so on the way back I walked out the door, drilled on her, and turned around and walked back through the door for another rep that was extra weird and bold
- I went for a bonus 11th rep as well because I saw the opportunity and didn't want to just settle at the required amount
- I was super pleased that only 1 rep failed and that the reps went so well
- I think I might start sticking to campuses for the reps because oddly enough I seldom come across girls in the optimal demographic to be targeting in malls
- there are a lot of kids and old people in malls and surprisingly enough, a lot of the people I drill on turn out to not even be fluent with English
- it just seems more efficient to target campuses although it could be argued that more outcome dependency is involved with girls in the targeted demographic (I actually don't really care since I've already worked through a lot of that outcome dependency/fear of rejection stuff and actually think dealing with more of it is a good thing)
- a huge win too was how much easier it was for me to go for the high fives seeing as I had a strong fear of physical dialogue before which evidently has decreased
- as always, I'm caring less and less about bystanders witnessing the drills

- video of the Day 29 reps below:



Thursday night:
- Completed Day 30 (30/10 reps)
- due to logistics, Thursday night is best for me to do the going out alone style drills so I felt like I had to take the opportunity to do it rather than wait till later
- I drove 1 hour and 20 minutes from home to a bar which was recommended to me during last week's going out alone drill
- before getting ready to go, I started feeling like I'd already had a really successful drill day and had other stuff to do and that I could postpone this drill till later (it would have to be NEXT Thursday, so I'd have to continue with other drills till then and mess up the order) but I knew the right thing was to do it then and there so I just got ready and went
- when I got there, I had a vodka water to help get me a little relaxed (I still have a lot of anxiety with the physical drills)
- I started getting pretty negative during the long pause after my first rep
- I felt like I was going to get in trouble if seen and a lot of illogical thoughts came up
- for the first ten 'nice' reps, the bar wasn't super packed
- I did these reps very slowly and they weren't satisfying
- eventually, I said, "Fuck this. I came all this way and this isn't something I can afford to fail. I'm just in that negative mindset right now and need to shut up, man up, and get this done. I'm not failing and having to reschedule this. I'm not saying I'll just try again. It's now or never."
- I started trying to do more bolder reps
- up to this point I had felt uncomfortable with the actual execution of the drill; not knowing how to do the squeezing action in an 'optimal' way
- this started changing during the challenge 'cute' reps
- I developed a method I'm pretty happy with for lightly squeezing
- the bar was super loud so I doubt anyone heard what I was saying, but I made a point to make sure they knew I said SOMETHING, especially in the later reps
- after the first 10 reps, the bar was actually getting really crowded, which made it slightly easier since I didn't feel as out in the open
- after finishing the 'cute' reps, I said I might as well go for 5 more since I was there and could benefit from the bonus exposure therapy (the physical dialogue is my biggest weakness right now)
- I got up to 26 total reps and thought I might as well go for an even 30 before I leave
- my 29th rep was on a girl I made eye contact with who was on the dance floor while I was doing a lap
- I reasoned that there was no point in singling her out for a drill since I shouldn't worry about individual girls or outcomes but I was technically done my reps and was allowed to do whatever I want so since I had the desire to pursue her, I should do it
- I then reasoned that I had finished my drills and I had a long drive home so there wasn't any point in pursuing her for any point other than a drill
- rather than do nothing about that girl, I decided I'd do the hard thing and drill on her, so I did
- I drilled on one other girl on my way out, and went home content
- I can't say I'm 100% as comfortable as I wanted to be with the drills at the end, but I'm happy with the progress I made and that I put in the effort to stay for the challenge and also do bonus reps
- my first ten reps weren't satisfying and I'm happy I didn't decide that I didn't need to do the 'cute' challenge and that I'd 'done enough' and go home especially since I felt I made a sort of breakthrough during the 'cute' reps with the 'form' of the drill and actually did some 'proper' and more challenging reps once I stopped being negative and shifted my mindset
- my ability to shut down the 'negative mind track' that starts up when pushing personal boundaries is actually getting pretty strong and not only am I able to shut it off/ignore it, I'm able to replace it with a positive mindset pretty well now