TOPIC: My AA Journal

Tuesday:
- went to do Day 15 with plans immediately after the allotted drill time to meet up with a friend for a bit before a family dinner
- it was a really nice day at a very busy mall and I parked by the bus terminal entrance
- I failed hard here and didn't even start the drills
- I realized I need to figure out what I'm going to do to combat the fear of having people see me drill on multiple people (including the girls I drill on) and the fear of having people see what I'm doing in general
- I was making great progress on this up until the security guard incident a few days ago but after that I am more paranoid than ever before (the day I told myself it didn't matter if a girl I drilled on saw me drill on someone else coincidentally was the day I was confronted by the security guard who said people complained about me)
- I don't want to just rush through the drills when problems like this come up
- I ended up feeling like a loser and just left after a quick walk into the terminal (saw 10+ opportunities to high five)
- I really want to see this through and need to figure out how best to proceed
- I might just redo Day 14 until I feel comfortable high fiving everyone I see
- I feel like I need to return to the mall with the security guard and deal with confrontation again because whether I like it or not, it had a very negative effect on me
- I understand I shouldn't let it bother me, but it's a subconscious issue and we all know you can't just will those away (like AA)
- I'm planning on reaching out to the community for advice

Huh, I feel like high five days are more mall-worthy days than most. What else do people do in malls besides shop and dick around, ya know? So as you already know, it's not weird to high five people in a mall; you're cover story (not that you need one) is that you're just trying to kill time.

If the mall is just a red flag for you tho, you might want to back off it for a while. Any college campuses or major city downtowns near you?

There are a bunch of good spots semi close (30 minute drive) which include some malls and some university campuses yeah. I should be fine going back to that mall and I actually think it's a good idea to face the confrontation again if it happens.

Something about the high fives is very hard for me for some reason..

Wednesday:
- managed to get only one Day 14 rep in at the grocery store
- when I paid for my food and the cashier gave me my receipt, I high fived her and I saw her give a look of confusion to the guy immediately behind me in line which was good exposure therapy

Thursday:
- did two more reps at my grocery store picking up water
- high fived the cashier at the end of my transaction and turned around and high fived the woman behind me
- the funny hing is I assumed the woman behind me was grumpy because she looked like she mad or something when I saw her walking around the store but she actually smiled and was friendly and said, "High five for a great day!"

I've got the next few days planned out to do a full Day 14 again tomorrow, 15 on Saturday, and see if I'm ready for 16 on Sunday.

Also, I reached out to some of the community and got lots of helpful advice.

Friday:
- started off the day still working on Day 14 (even though I'm up to 24 high fives)
- started my lurking after chest day at 1:21 and took 50 minutes (includes travel time between the four places) for ten high fives
- I took a different approach which can be seen as cheating but I used it to help me feel more comfortable (I still did the drills properly before and will do them properly again)
- went to RONA and asked three female workers where the doors are and gave them high fives
- went to Home Depot and did the same with three female workers
- picked up some supplements from Popeye's and high fived the cashier girl
- I planned on making two transactions because sometimes they say you can only apply one deal per transaction so I made a point to do it during my first one so I'd be dealing with her again after
- she was really talkative and asked me about my weekend and we had a chat for a few minutes during the second transaction
- went to a mall and used the time drill opener to help me high five a girl sitting down (gave me a weird look) and a mother looking up something on her phone with a baby in a stroller
- did the tenth high five on the girl working in the Bell store after asking her about phone plans
- I already did 21 standard high five drills so even though these extra ones involve 'tactics' that can be considered cheating, I'm just using them to help me build comfort with doing the action
- overall 8 of the girls today laughed and thought it was funny and random, one had to think about it for a second and was slightly weirded out, and one gave me a weird look but they all still complied to my commands
- tonight I will go time 10 where I just do the standard high five drill (totalling 44 high fives in the last few days) and move on to Day 15 tomorrow

Also Friday:
- went for a drill run before going out to the bar
- only tried once on a girl walking past me and she just gave me a weird look and ignored me
- it was super hot outside and I was in jeans so I just called it quits after that
- decided I wasn't ready for Day 15 the following day

Saturday:
- was pretty hungover but I still went to the mall (the same one I was confronted by security in) and did 10 high fives with no problems with security
- I'm still calling these high fives Day 14 drills since I'm not comfortable enough for rapid fire still
- I had a friend with me for some of the high fives so those were technically cheat reps but they still helped (I just used having him with me as a temporary crutch)
- it seems like it's going to be a while before I'm ready for Day 15 but I'll keep at it

My current Day 14 high five total is at 45 now.

Sunday:
- Day 14 total high five count: 52
- did 7 high fives at a mall (again with a friend present for some)
- still not ready for Day 15

Reflection:
I'm legitimately doubting if I can do the program. I have the luxury to be able to commit the time to the program, prioritize it, and am willing to make an effort to go out and do the drills, but I feel like I'm making reverse progress now. It feels like every time I pussy out of GETTING IN THERE, I become more and more likely to pussy out. I was able to do Day 14 after Day 13 all in one day (I did 21 high fives) but now find it hard to even get 10 high fives done.

The annoying thing is that I don't really care about negative reactions (although 90% are pretty good reactions which involve an initial puzzled look followed by a smile and laughter) but I'm still struggling. I'm even starting to feel more comfortable having people see me do the high fives. For some reason I find it SO hard to initiate the interaction though. It's a huge jump from the candle drills for me. When I pass on an opportunity, I'm starting to 'bully' myself and feel an onslaught of stress and I get stuck in my head. This started when I realized I would need to up my GET IN THERE if I want to honestly be able to say I performed the rapid-fire high fives after I do Day 15.

On a side note, I'm worried the way failing these drills makes me feel is going to have a negative effect on me physically. I know the feeling of being defeated has an extremely strong effect on your hormones. The cortisol spike and testosterone drop from this kind of thing has a cyclical downward spiral effect. I don't want to force myself to experience this daily since it will have an effect on my energy, ability to perform in the gym, and recovery. I have noticed a drop in energy over the last few weeks and have a pretty non-existent libido right now. I'm also having difficulty pushing myself hard in the gym and have been having a harder time pushing the weight I was pushing before. I scheduled a hormone test for August 15 to see what's up on that front.

The drop in energy has actually been an ongoing thing the past few months (dating back to before the program) but definitely has seemed more extreme lately. I first noticed it after stopping some natural test boosters I was trying out based on a recommendation from a friend of a friend. I didn't really notice any significant improvement starting the boosters (which was just a supplement with some B6, ZMA, and some other stuff) but after they ran out and I chose not to take them again, I noticed a decrease in energy that gradually got worse. I had my test checked a few months ago and was told it was on the higher end of average.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic so I'll get back to the point. I feel like the natural conversation question drills were fine for me and now that I'm doing something that can be considered weird or out of the ordinary, I'm having a hard time. If I use a natural conversation question like the time drill to get me started, the high five isn't so bad, but if I do the actual drill alone, I find it almost impossible to initiate. High fiving isn't even weird. It's just something kind of random so I don't know how I'm going to be able to do something legitimately weird like the abc drills or grabbing girls arms and walking away at a bar.

I want so badly to get through this program but it's not as simple as just allotting some time in my schedule for the drills and travelling to a suitable place to do them. You have to also push yourself to do what feels impossible and I don't know if I have it in me. I don't want to quit but don't see myself making it through. Travelling to a suitable location and wandering around for way longer than I should need to and not being able to do the drills is fucking with me mentally.

I'll try again tomorrow but don't know how long I can keep going through this.

Week 2 shouldn't be that hard. You might have social anxiety or actually fucked with your hormones.
If it is something like that, then this isn't your fault. But there are also plenty of people who start the program and drop it because they wimp out. You have to really want it to make it through. Only the strongest survive.

@RogerRoger It wasn't very hard until I got to the high fives. Even then I was able to do Day 14. Once I got to Day 15 and the high fives had to be done in 15 minutes (half the time I timed for my second set of ten on Day 14), I started falling apart.

My social skills definitely have room for improvement but I passed the social anxiety test on GLL easily and I'm at least average in terms of social anxiety. "Physical dialogue" is new to me which might be what put me off.

I'm going to redo the wine drills before doing more high fives to get some momentum going. When it comes down to it, I'm just being a bitch so time will tell if I can overcome that. I'm gonna hit up a busy mall tomorrow and see what I can do.

Monday:
- travelled to a big mall in a nearby city to drill
- started off with a set of wine drills from Day 13 to get some momentum to tackle timed high fives for Day 15
- walked around a bit and had the same inability to initiate that's been fucking with me the last few days
- rather than be hard on myself like the last few days, I told myself I wasn't going to think negative and made an effort to keep my mind clear of thoughts
- I walked into an H&M and passed the opportunity to high five some middle aged woman and saw two girls at the front of the store
- I started making my way toward them slowly and was working up the courage to just start and they left the store
- at this point I got frustrated and thought, "Fuck this shit. This isn't happening again. I'm walking out of this store and high fiving the first girl I see."
- walked out and turned left and high fived a girl
- at this point, I thought, "It's on. Okay go, go, go!"
- checked my watch and saw 3:49 and went on a spree with my heart beating fast
- number 6 was a super hot girl sitting at the middle table in a square of nine tables (mostly occupied so she was surrounded by people) and I just thought, "Fuck it she's number 6," and went in
- finished the tenth at 3:56 (7 minutes) and was aiming for 14 minutes or under
- I felt great and partly wanted to call it a day and do the second ten another day but I texted my friend on GLL and he said to go do the second
- I agreed that it would be way more beneficial to get the second set done in close proximity to the first
- after taking a break to collect myself and chill for a bit, I went at it again at 4:43 and completed the final ten by 4:50 (7 minutes again) with a number of the girls being stationary targets like two were from the first set
- a bunch of the twenty girls I drilled on just looked at me weird and walked away or were with a friend and just laughed at me with their friend but it didn't bother me; they served their purpose as a rep regardless of how they responded
- I did pass on some potential targets but the drill wasn't to be perfect. It was to do the high fives in half the time I wrote down on Day 14 and I did it in a quarter each time.
- I'm super excited about finally manning up and breaking my plateau and I'm pumped to kill it again for Day 16 tomorrow

Tuesday:
- successfully completed Day 16
- first ten high fives took approx. 15 minutes
- second set took around 30 minutes
- I hit the the mall separately for the two rounds and the second time I found it hard to find stationary girls but made it happen
- did two double sets of two girls in an interaction (the first was actually two girls sitting outside the mall smoking after the first round of high fives - these two girls aren't included in the main 20 girls and are bonus for the challenge)
- I didn't really go looking for the girls smoking; they just happened to be there when I was leaving the mall after the first set
- I don't really see how girls who are smoking are any harder to drill on but regardless I completed the challenge
- some high fives were done on women standing still looking at stuff in stores and the rest were women sitting down or just standing against a wall or railing
- the second time around there were two security people chilling in the centre of the mall so I avoided that area and doing drills within their sight which technically isn't optimal but I still got them done
- on to Day 17 tomorrow!

Wednesday:
- Day 17 completed
- went to a mall and did the reps walking around the mall area and also some stores
- somewhat tried to avoid doing it within earshot of others but still did a bunch of reps where I was obviously heard
- reactions included them laughing, giving me weird looks, and one walked away as I was finishing
- I have to admit it felt pretty weird being strange on purpose (the prior experience high giving helped with this) but I got them done relatively quickly (it took a little under an hour)
- oddly enough the full alphabet reps were easier for me than the partial reps since I was walking away mid-alphabet
- I did the alphabet in verses with pauses rather than just saying the letters as fast as possible and the girls stayed put to hear the whole thing (except for the one who started leaving as I was finishing)
- time to find out what girls think about my shirt tomorrow (Day 18)