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Day 14 (repeated)
Went out and high fived NOBODY. If you only knew... I am angry all time. And when I am angry with myself I get tense. My body language is tense. My neck gets tense. Edema worsens.
Intensive scents right now worsen my edema too. I went to the christmas market where all the smells are around the air. I should avoid that for sure though I didn't want to walk the same ways every day.
I have no active social life. No job. The last 4 years killed my trust to humans. They loose all the respect of me. Specially when the edema is very low und changes into a worsen state. That gived people headaches, including me when I look in the mirror then.
Felt the anxiety and waited for the perfect moment to high five them. The problem is that there is no perfect moment and wasn't all time. Now I am too fucking nervous when I see a hot girl/woman and want to high five them.
It is a sign of that my hormones recover from the stress I constantlty living with. I feel so disconnected to the people. It is not my day....or life
Day 14 (repeated)
This day gives me headaches and kills my motivation.
Yesterday and today I wanted to high five 10 girls. I even asked for time first to gain any connection. Nothing worked. I feel bad about myself although it is not my fault.
Don't know what to do....
Shall I move to the next drill or not...
I really did not know what happend last week.
It was like a hormonal rollercoster. And still it is.
For sure I have anxiety. Of course I find many excuses to not do the drills. But the most disillusional and most demotivationing facts I used to forget for the last 2-years came back and caused heavy mental challenges.
First that my body temperature raised up by 1-2 celsius to 36 degree of celsius which is the normal case. Second that this cause heavy problems regarded to my appearience.
For example, when my back (center of it) gets "hot/warmed up" and it is a contact to any wearing material it causes a worsen state of my lymphedema. People stare then, people look mean/disgraced or get shocked. Can happen all time until I cool my back down. Now let's go further!
Imagine that I don't want to be looked at in a weird way of course- I try to fresh my back or cool it down with moving my shirt all time so my back can get a 'better' climate.
And when it is in a better climate people react normal or even interested again(girls).
Now imagine... I have this problem for so long now. And keep in mind that people react and behave bad when it is in a swollen state. I knew all time and since I do the drills I have the proof.
So what I am trying to say is, how the fuck could I built up trust to ANY human being (or even pets)?! When they react in that disrespectful way ONLY BECAUSE OF MY FUCKING APPEARIENCE?! I was screwed and I am still screwed.
Though I built up confidence!
Though I built up a personality!
Though I lived so many years without hope for cure.
And now.... I really find it hard to find the right words... I mean what the fuck ... Do you know...
It was sooo damn hard for me to envolve. I stopped hating people. I stopped or still try to not take it personal when people wanna provocate me. I have big problems. Actually I forgot how I lost all motivation even to execute a new job or find one. I lost motivation to find new friends.
I CAN HAVE THE BEST CHARACTER on this planet THOUGH the BASIC RESPECT GETS LOST when they see me my lymphedema in a worsen state. So often... Every time... they even feel TRICKED! And that doubbles their reactions.
I don't give up.. Don't worry... I am just full of awareness what actually caused my last 'lost' 7
I am praying every day it stops.
I am currently taking judical steps against my isurance company since 1 year. Because these assholes don't want to pay.
And now I am more or less at the end of the process. I had to proceed an expert report by an doctor who should examine me . With a pretty good result. The scan showed a disruption of the lymph flow of my head. Things are getting better. And hopefully I get the operation so this nightmare stops. But you know.... I am always so unlucky.... Because of my disease... Because of whatever... I can not really imagine to succeed. I try but I have fallen down so many times in life.
And I only suceed in life when the operation is made... I hope I am wrong with this
long time no see!
Well many many things happend and many of them went bad for me. That means a bad outcome for me.
I am still somehow suffering and waiting for my operation.
Now, the reason why i am back here is that i want to tell you something that happend to me. I finally met a girl. Yes. For you it is normal, but for me it was special.
I overcame all possible bad circumstances and bad evil ideas in my head and i invited a hot girl, which i got to know over the internet to my place. I said to myself- " common give it a try only once". Betraying my worries is what i did.
She arrived at night. It was special for me. I was nervous as fuck. I got to know her over 8 months ago. We phoned and talked hours and hours. And then i met her. You can't belive what kind of feeling it was when she was lying next to me on my bed. But i will talk about this later.
Any way I had none of these feeling of proundness since so much time.
To be clear: all time in when i was around her i tried to be confident as i can be. To be cool as i can be. To be strong and masculin as i can be.
She often was very behaving sceptical, but then i somehow managed to keep my facial edema under control for a longer phase and she agreed to sleep in my bed, (only wearing a string-tanga, a longer t shirt and a bra ).
I said to myself, " thats it! She is lying on your bed, did not change position with her head, means she wants to sleep face to face and when i tried to put up her shirt to see her ass" (did that before i went shower) WOOOHOOOO )))))))
she turned around and smiled and said don't do that. DAMN.
After shower she was already sleeping lightly. But even before i went shower ( of course i invited her but she didn't want) i told her when i come out of shower i would smack her ass for all the swearing and bad behaviours she showed me on the phone )))
I have to say she had a very juicy ass. Yummy.
But then...I came out, lost almost all of my confidence as i thought "thats all , now go sleep and be happy that she is around you at all".
I was wearing a shirt and boxers.
Although i told her to spank her i did not dare to do it... and i had many doubts about me. Only because of my fucking appearance. I triend to think about nothing. Thats all you can do then. STOP TO THINK NEGATIVELY. But i was giving me a hard time. Old habbit.
Then something happend!!!! Something shat showed me that i am not a completely loser... That i have it.. still inside of me, that... what i am doing it right- although peoples and girls reactions often seem hopeless to me-If you know what i mean.
SHE SLAPPED ME ! - IN A WAY LIKE "COMMON SHOW ME IF YOU DARE TO PUNISH ME AS YOU SAID OR NOT!"
And what do you guys belive i did? )))) HAHAHAHA !!
I sprang up, jumped on her legs, removed the blanket and gave her some sexy slapps on her sexy ass!!!!
She was already trying to escape somehow haha , dont worry i did not rape her (she was unsure about it and curious), but i stayed dominant, corrected her position with my legs, i didn't even use hands and kept slapping and then touching her butt softly many times.
She said that it hurts... and then...I removed her string... i kissed her ass... oiled her body, gave her a massage... she enjoyed it, as she was moaning. She said she did not want to remove her bra but then she did... and i turned her around... i sucked her tits... kissed her neck, and as i was moving upwoards she wanted to kiss me but i did not want somehow, don't ask.
She had her period. HAHA. I just wanted to add that information right here! HAHA. And that's why she said "not there" as i still wanted to touch her pussy. But for that she allowed me to touch her ass, which was soooooooooooooo goooooooooooooooood. I still have it in my head.
Of course even during the bed phase my edema got worse and better and she probably saw that. Made me sad for seconds but then i thought to myelf , it is not for ever...
Anyway i did not fuck her. But she gave me something that i thought i would not experience again. My fully manhood. The part that was missing all time over the years. The extra testosterone push, the sweet smiles she gave me while i was doing something sexy. She gave me back my sexuality (not having sex alone). And most important she reactivated my hope and lust for girls. She gave me hope! Not she. The situation. Everything.
The day after the swelling got very bad... anyway she left and did not call me since... She said she wanted to buy zigarettes but did not come back. Blocked me on whatsapp. And blocked on phone too. I was shocked a bit. Not much. I know what i am and who i am. Yeah...
But i know i have not lost her. It is only for now. I only lost her for now.
I know She likes me. But nobody can really handle my appearance. Specially when sex comes into it. She probably got embarressed as she saw me like that in the morning and her ego did the rest...
You know, that story may sound weird to many of yours...but it is true. Thats my life and what it has been for the last 8 years.
This time i overcame my pride. MY PRIDE. I WON OVER IT first time, or second time. First time when i asked a girl for her whatsapp but she said "we talk later" only.. And then nothing happend,
Anyway it was a beautiful experience.
Hopefully in near future i will give you all details with my experiences with the AA programm as i continue it, after surgery.
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Kratom is next!
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