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Fucking hell, I'm in such a hole right now. Posting this I guess as a way to kick my ass into gear.
Just been doing nothing the last 3 weeks. Been working, watching porn, watching youtube, sitting around the house, that's about it. I fall into these fucking funks so often where I think "What's the point?" Without getting too much into it, I'm 100% a nihilist. I truly believe there's no fucking point to being on this planet, there is no god, it doesn't matter if I live or die, nothing ever matters. There's tremendous freedom with that - if nothing matters, then you could technically do anything and who cares if you fail. But there's also a huge potential for depression, and if I sit around my apartment too much without interacting with other people, depression creeps in.
So I'm posting this as a way to make myself accountable. Trying to break the pattern I guess. I've fallen into these funks so many times in my life, it happens once or twice a year. I want this time to be different. I'm not a fucking victim, I'm a man who gets shit done. I don't want to just let life happen to me like a piece of shit.
That's all great, but tough talk doesn't get anything done. Action I've taken/am taking:
1) Took some LSD. Small dose, this is only the second time I've tried it. Last time it gave me a huge amount of insight, this time seems to be motivational as fuck. It's why I'm writing this right now.
2) I've reinstalled Tinder and reopened my OkCupid account. Messaged a bunch of chicks on OkCupid tonight. I've gotta get back into dating and fucking new women - I'm too complacent because I have 2 fuckbuddies right now.
3) RSVP'ing to a few events on meetup.com. Gotta be social again.
4) Catching up with a mate tomorrow night for dinner, haven't seen him in weeks.
5) Smashed the absolute fuck out of the weights in my home gym, while on LSD. Made it fucking EPIC. Hardest workout in months, good stuff.
6) Will update this thread with more, when I'm not trippin' balls. Lol.
I've also started doing OkCupid and Tinder again, and having success like I used to. Right now I've got 8 chicks numbers in my phone, with dates lined up all this week. Two of them are hot, the rest are average, but it's doing wonders for my sense of entitlement again. It feels fucking AMAZING to have chicks who want to date you, and it's something I just stopped doing for some reason.
The last 2 months I've just been so fucking complacent. I think because I have 2 fuckbuddies, so it's really easy to be lazy and stop dating/hitting on chicks. But that complacency has lead to depression, and it's been fucking awful. So it feels good to take the bull by the horns again and try and get laid. Got a date in an hour with a hot asian chick, gonna go for the first date kiss.
I've also been lifting weights, getting in 3 workouts a week. Because I'm cutting, my energy is much lower, so I'm skipping squats and just doing deadlifts, bench, overhead press and bent-over rows, with a few chinups and pushups if I feel like it.
Bathmate: Been doing about 3 times a week for 18 minute sessions. Gonna step it up to 4 times a week, then 5, then eventually 6 times a week. At the moment my dick is really sore for like a day after, so I gotta rest the poor bugger.
So those are my current goals I'm working on. Losing weight, fixing health issues, getting laid with online dating, lifting weights, bathmate. I feel "guilty" for putting the AA program aside, but I absolutely 100% know I'll come back to it. Online dating can be frustrating as fuck, and I know eventually I'm going to get sick of it again and that's when I'll jump back to the AA program and do cold approaches.
Ok just had date with 28yo asian chick. Was really interesting, ended so weird.
We were vibing, and she was VERY into me. Touching me nonstop, flirty, clearly into me.
At one point she says "How many girls have you met on OkCupid". I'm well and truly used to these stupid questions (shit tests, if you wanna call them that) so i answered "723 girls, this week."
She laughed and hit me playfully.
I said" No im serious! In fact you have to go in 5 mins, it's time for my next date"
She laughs again.
Date keeps going. 20 min later she asks again, so i say "Ok, i lied before. It's not 723. It's actually 722."
She laughs a little.
Date keeps going. Then at one point, completely fucking out of the blue, she gets dead serious and asks the question again, this time saying "This is your last chance." im thinking wtf at this point, so I say "723."
She gets up and storms out of the bar. Like a little fucking child. I calmly get up and walk after her, not rushing. She's slow so i catch up. She's INSANELY BITCHY from that point, giving me the cold shoulder. Holy fucking shit, it came out of nowhere - we were vibing, she was touching me non stop, i was about to kiss her. She keeps being a bitch and pretending to ignore me like she's 3 years old so I say "Yo. Stop for a sec."
She stops and looks at me with fucking hate in her eyes, pouting like a little child. A 28yo "woman", pouting. Wtf. So i say "Nice meeting you" and walk off and go home.
Holy shit. Psycho. I was probably giving off a "player" vibe and she wanted to know how many other girls ive seen. She's 28 so she's in "boyfriend hunter" mode.
This is why i have the rule of never going for chicks over 25. Almost every single time ive regretted it. My current 31yo fuckbuddy "K" is the only exception.
But I gained experience tonight, that's the main thing. I'm back in the dating game. And it's an INCREDIBLE self esteem boost to not play into this girl's bullshit and instead just say "nice meeting you" and bail. Before GLL i probably would have tried to win her back or get her to "just talk about it" or some shit. These days I don't ever accept ANY drama or games.
I feel like I'm back. The old me is back.
Ps if anyone is thinking "why didnt you just answer her question? Hell, you could have made up a number like 5 or something"... NO. I never ever ever ever ever take girls seriously. I'm not capable of it anymore, I'm too sexist. It's so ingrained. My job basically involves me seeing women's true nature (long story), not to mention the dates I've been on and the experience I've had with girls. Most of them just aren't that smart. Or empathetic when it comes to anyone other than themselves.
I can't see girls as anything but children. I don't respect their intelligence. I absolutely LOVE their femininity, their sweetness, their kindness, their joyful youthfulness, etc. I fucking LOVE women, i wouldnt be on here if I didn't.
But I have zero respect for their intelligence, because rare is the woman who has any ("K" is one exception, my mother is another). And i CERTAINLY have no respect for their emotions which change at the drop of a hat, as this girl was a perfect example of.
So when a woman demands an answer to a question I don't particularly want to answer... She's not getting a serious answer from me. 99.999% of the time my silly answers actually make the girl laugh and she gets distracted and forgets about the question and goes back to being happy (see why I dont respect their intelligence?) But every now and then, especially with older chicks, you get one who just won't let it go. That stubbornness is a turnoff to me, its not feminine. She's just killed all my attraction for her. It's gross to me.
Lol man. It wasn't really justice. More just like "I can't be bothered dealing with this drama, goodbye". I'm sure MOST guys would have gone "I'm sorry, what's wrong, let me fix it, oh you're sad let me help".
I just don't give a fuck about any woman's emotions any more. Their emotions are so fucking childish, they are literally children when they're upset. They literally turn into children. "Everyone must stop what they are doing, the world must stop, and you all must attend to my emotions. I'm completely oblivious to your point of view, I'm not even capable of imagining you might have your own wants and needs, I literally don't see anyone else as a human being because all that matters is me and what I'm feeling."
Also had another date tonight with a 35yo asian girl from OkCupid (WAY over my usual preferred maximum age of 25).
Nice girl but DEFINITELY has that "old woman" vibe about her. As in, just a general sense of sadness, like life has gotten her down a bit. Pessimistic, whereas I'm a natural optimist and I fucking LOVE life. She doesn't particularly like her job, doesn't have a lot of hobbies, and dating isn't going brilliantly for her.
Conversation was good though, ended up chatting for 2 hours and only left when the bar closed. But it wasn't sexual or flirty in any way shape or form. Felt more like two friends chatting. No sexual chemistry.
Young girls (girls under 25) tend to have that awesome youthful energy, they're feminine, they're joyful, they make you feel young. They rejuvenate you with their mere presence. But old girls like this 35yo just don't have any of that. They're worn down, tired, lonely, out of energy. Like life has beaten them down.
I only want to bang/date girls who ADD something to my life. I won't see this chick again.
Also forgot to say, I fucking love Asian girls. She only weighs 55kg so at one point I picked her up over my shoulder like a "fireman's carry" and walked for like 5 minutes lol, whole time she's giggling like a little kid. Gave her a piggy back at another point for about 10 minutes, took almost no effort. Short/light chicks are the best, highly recommended.
Date 21yo "L" from OkCupid, aka best date of my life:
Damn this chick was cute as fuck. Affectionate as fuck. Adorable as fuck. And awesome personality and lots of cool hobbies. This was the best date I've ever had, I had the most fun, and she was more into me than any other chick I've dated (funny because she's hot as fuck).
Walked around the shopping centre where I used to do most of my drills. Didn't do any, just walked around. It felt good to be back there, though I definitely was a pussy for not doing any drills or approaches.
I wanna get back into it. Online dating is wearing me down. The girls online suck, they have too many other guys messaging them and my looks aren't where they need to be for me to succeed.
I hate the nerves of cold approach. But I have to face them one of these days.
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I didn't think the "Get Hung" guide would have girls eyeing my bulge. It did.
I didn't think that your exercise and diet advice would have girls checking me out. It did.
I DEFINITELY didn't think that your hair-loss prevention would fix my hairline. Not in a billion years. It mother fucking did. You saved me a crazy amount of time, a ton of money, unnecessary pain, and destroyed my #1 source of anxiety. DESTROYED IT.
Kratom is next!
To anyone reading this, follow through, read this material, APPLY this material, and enjoy life.