TOPIC: I'm killing AA for good

Day 15 (Final Repeat)

Points of the day
1. Eye contact
2. Vibing
3. Be relentless and push yourself.

First set of 10 high-fives: in the morning, on my way to work. Time: 3 min, below my goal of 3.5 min.

Second set in the evening, on way to meat packing district in New York City: Time 3:15 min, including one stop at a traffic light for one minute.

Third set directly after that, Time 2:15 min. Girl #9 saw me doing the high-fives and ran towards me - "I wanna do a high-five! I wanna do a high-five!" - whoa. Social momentum...

What went well?
1.  Eye contact
    I realized that if I gave girls eye contact and smiles while I was walking up to them, they were more likely to high-five me back. One girl who refused to high-five me told me that she didn't know me. So making them a bit more familiar with me - through eye contact and smile - will help.

2. "Vibing"
    Today marks the day when I realized that it really doesn't fucking matter when a girl "refuses" the high-five/physical contact. Because with the girls that were good game, I felt we were sort of on one wavelength, even though the contact was only brief.

3. Relentlessness
    Relentlessness is the ability to get back up on your feet and execute again if you have to, So far this week, I was relentless indeed. I could have easily said - next exercise, I did day 14 on sunday, then I was faster on monday and even faster on tuesday. Plus I badly wanted to move on already. Only thing is that this is not a race, and that I want to finish each drill with me feeling good about it. So I stayed on and pushed myself.
And look what I learnt. This week was the most challenging in the program so far, from time to time I felt like shit, but I learnt the most out of it… because I stayed in and never gave up.

There are really not many points that I want to improve today... I am really happy that I moved a step ahead. Day 16 will be me walking up to standing girls... I figure that won't be a big deal, since I already did that several times during the last days.

Ah, one thing I do want to improve after all - I let the online dating slide a bit. Gonna pick that up over the weekend.

You're so analytical I feel like I'm learning stuff by reading your journal entries. I would highly recommend investing in online dating. I've gained so many dates and sex from it. I read your introduction and you're not 26% bodyfat, lol. Definitely under 20.

Thanks Billybob,

I'm just writing down what's in my head, so no guarantee that it's correct. It;s juts an assessment that helps me make sense of the situation.

20% bodyfat? Ha ha, that would be nice... but the Omron doesn't lie.

I did lose 14 pounds of fat (20 pounds in total) though within january - february. Just by eating almost no carbs... and doing 100 squats, push-ups and sit-ups every morning (from the 30-days of discipline).

Day 16

1. How different the reactions can be!
2. Glitches
3. Ripple effect

Did 2x10(+1) sets today - had to walk up to girls that were standing still. The (+1) were girls that smoked a cigarette.

The first 11 reps I did in broad daylight on my way to work, the second set I did in darkness on my way home.

What went well
1. How different the reactions can be!
Approached a group of two girls and one guy who were talking with a saleswoman about going up to the Empire State building.
High-fived the first girl, then the guy tells the second girl what I wanted so she could high-five me as well. Awesome! Finished with high-fiving the sales girl - who said "yeah, folks, this is New York, people are friendly here!"
Then the next group, three girls, I went in and high-fived the best looking one who happened to be "mother hen" of the group. She was upset that I went in and high-fived her and muttered "I... don't... think... so" while I was high-riving her friends. Ha ha ha!
The point here is that I did the same thing to two different groups and the reactions were diametrally opposite. Reminds me of my research career 5 years ago - we were talking over lunch to a "big shot" professor, I asked him about career stuff and setting personal goals and he gave a lukewarm and bored answer.
Now... one week later I asked another "big shot" the exact same questions, and he was enthusiastically explaining his opinion. I could have banged myself up about the first professor dismissing me - clearly, my questions must have been really stupid, right? - but then magically prof #2 likes my ideas.
How people react is completely out of your influence. Go with the ones that you are vining with and having most fun.
2. High-fived in Starbuck's. Thought before hand that it would be awkward, but no - everything went fine. Another limiting belief smashed.
3. Ripple effect
I had to report a mistake I made at work. Did this without fear! A big change of mindset, all courtesy of the AA program,,,,,

What can I improve?
Glitches
1. From time to time, I skip approaches and go to the next girl afterwards. No idea why those glitches happen. Single hot girls, mother with small children and husband around, does not matter. When I spot myself letting that happen, I go more determined into the next set, but still... I  want to avoid these glitches in the first place.

How will I improve?
1. Remember that this program teaches you to become outcome independent. So next time when I see myself clamming up, I will remember the AA program and push myself to go in. No excuse.

Day 17

Major points
1. Get great reactions and feel good yourself
2. Turn "Approach Anxiety" into "Approach Anticipation"
3. Adding elements to Social Freedom
4. Frame control

This day was surprisingly easy for me... probably because I play the cello since 20+ years and am used to perform on stage. I have also given a lot of professional talks in my job, so I am used to performing in public. Plus music is in my mind ALL the time. I even enjoyed singing the alphabet.

I did 3 sets (of 4 reps plus challenge) in the morning on my way to work and the 4th set on my way home. I always included the challenge (sing the ABC over and over until the girl walks away)... however, all the girls I did the challenge on walked away before I came to the end of the first alphabet.

I sang the ABC. I went full in and actually enjoyed the balance at the edge of my comfort zone.

What went well
1. Get great reactions and feel good yourself
Especially in the morning, girls were smiling, laughing etc. I did not distinguish between single girls, girls with bf or groups of girls.

2. Turn "Approach Anxiety" into "Approach Anticipation"
I was really nervous - until I approached and started singing. It's always like that before I give a public speech or play my cello in front of an audience as well. What I have learnt over the years is that there is no use of fighting the nervousness - so I rather embrace it. And all of a sudden, the built-up energy carries me towards the performance. With each "ABC", I added a little more energy and that basically carries me more easily into the next set. Social momentum.

3. Adding elements to Social Freedom
I can now ask for directions/opinions (and am not worried about "bragging" anymore); I can high-five girls; and now I can sing. Those are all great elements to have for later on, when I am actually trying to get laid. It seems as if these AA drills are not only serving the purpose of overcoming your fears, but are also little "routines" in and of themselves. Though when I use them, they will be much more genuine as if I had read them in a book. There is a whole other level of appreciation and sense of accomplishment behind them.

4. Building a strong frame
This exercise also taught me to hold my own. The girl is surprised when I start singing, but her surprise does not affect me, so I don't wuss out. Singing to her with a straight face while everybody else looks at you... that teaches you to keep focusing on the stuff YOU want to say (or sing

What do I need to improve?
Nothing much today... though the reactions I got when doing the drill on my way home were much less fun. It was cold and dark outside and people were in a hurry to get home. Who cares. I executed.

How will I improve?
Nothing to improve on, though gradually I expect to learn to distinguish the girls that would be likely down for some fun from the grumpy and judgmental ones.

other observations
Funny how people standing by while I was singing to a girl didn't react at all. So approaching can not ever be awkward.

Here are the audio files from one complete set:

A to G:


A to P:


A to V:


A to Z:

Day 18 - Do You Like My Coat?

We had to submit a grant at work, so I'm catching up with posting now. Good that I made some notes already in my phone while I was doing the drills.

I know that the drill was originally about asking about my shirt - but these days in New York City are freezing outside, and I did not want to open my coat all the time to ask about my shirt. So I asked if they liked my coat instead of my shirt.

Important points
1. Freely walking up to girls
2. Enjoyment
3. Bystanders
4. Becoming too selective?

This was the drill:
1.  Time?
2.  Time? Random question - do you like my shirt?
3.  Time? Random question - do you like my shirt? I just got it and can't decide.
4.  Time? Random question - do you like my shirt? I just got it and can't decide. I'm going to wear it and keep the tag on so I can return it.
5.    Challenge: Time? Random question - do you like my shirt? My boyfriend bought it for me, I think it's gay.

What went well?
1. Freely walking up to girls
I can walk up to any girl that I want to. Actually, the bigger the group of girls, the better. Before doing the AA program, I was always afraid of groups. Now I am embracing them. There is something about the energy level, that is automatically higher. So any good vibe you project comes back so much stronger. From time to time, a big group is slightly intimidating to me, but in 90% of cases, I love approaching a large group. At least during THIS stage of the AA program.
2. Enjoyment
Once I have started talking to the girl, I am usually feeling pretty good. I try to go "all in" as much as I can. Sometimes I am very enthusiastic, sometimes I am more casual, whatever my current state of mind is.

What do I want to improve?
1. Bystanders
Sometimes I hesitate to approach because (a) people stand next to the girl or (b) the girl I just asked for e.g. the time is still near. I am afraid of being judged by people standing close. This is especially strange, since I just mentioned that I love approaching large groups.
(This is why I love doing all these approaches and throwing myself in situations I am scared about: I learn so much)
So what does that tell me? In a group - even in a large one - I have control. The people in the group look at me, at least at first, and respond to me. With bystanders, I don't have that possibility.
2. Becoming too selective
Don't know if that's really a problem, but I am starting to not approach the girls I don't feel really attracted to. I find the hotter girls are usually more fun, the "lesser" ones often don't really understand what I am doing or get very shy. Even though this is not supposed to be outcome dependent, I try to bring good emotions and have a little fun with the drills. And if the girl does not play along well, I get a bit annoyed/saddened.

How will I improve?
1. Bystanders
(a) reframe the negative thought: People may judge me, but that is a chance rather than danger - they will either think I am bad or they will judge as being pretty cool. The haters will always hate. So there is not even a problem if I have an "audience". If at all. (b) Approach especially in situations where there are lots of people standing nearby.
(c) Maybe I can just smile at bystanders in a friendly way and this way sort of make contact with them. Then my mind thinks they are somehow part of the group I am talking to and relaxes.

2. Becoming too selective
I think I have to just walk up to a girl when I even START seeing her. That way, I can not ever be selective. I can still walk up to the hotter ones later and do additional drills. The point is to be able to get in a state where ANY outcome does not matter anymore, later, when I try getting laid - because when I walk up to every girl in the bar, chances are much better I am ending up taking a girl home that night.

Day 19 - The Bieber

Important points
1. The Bieber gives a good response.
2. Screening
3. I love groups

The Drills
1. How's it going? Wait for answer, leave.
2. How's it going? Wait for answer, leave. Do you know there's a hair salon around here?
3. How's it going? Wait for answer, leave. Do you know there's a hair salon around here? I’m getting the Justin Bieber haircut.
4. How's it going? Wait for answer, leave. Do you know there's a hair salon around here? I’m getting the Justin Bieber haircut. What’s your favorite hairstyle for guys?
5. Challenge: replace "How's it going?" with "How's it hang in’?"
6. One time super-serious, two times casual, one time super-gay.

What went well?
1. Most girls find the Justin Bieber haircut part funny
They all had to laugh when it came to that part of the drill.
2. Screening with the first sentence
While almost everyone gave at least a "sorry" as a reply when I asked for the time, this time several girls walked by and did not stop when I asked them how it was going. This was strongly exacerbated when I said "How's it hangin'?"
While I was bummed out a couple of days back when girls did not want to high-five me back, this time I just saw it for what it was - a good first step into determining if she was at all into me or not. If not, NEXT
3. I love groups
I had mostly single girls, but some notable exceptions, for example a mother with two daughters. Was no different to me than single girls.
The last three "gay" approaches I fond groups. And I was sooo happy. Maybe it brought out the performer in me... or maybe I lost my fear because groups seem tough to begin with, so my mind thinks I have nothing to lose... either way, I went smack dab in, guns blazing.
4. Have something else to do
It really helps, I realize that once again: if I have something better to do - if I am on my way to work, or if I want to go home - it is much easier to approach than when I have "nothing better" to do than the drills.

Today, I really found nothing much to improve. Fun day.

Here is an audio recording of one of the gay approaches. It doesn't sound as gay as I thought - in fact, more like a child - but the mindset counts.

Day 20 - Bathroom

Main points
1. Approaches feel easier
2. Judgementalness
3. Feeling Blue

Drills
1.    Time? Thanks. Leave.
2.    Time? Where is the nearest restroom? Thanks. Leave.
3.    Time? Where is the nearest restroom? Oh, I mean the men's room. Thanks. Leave.
4.    Time? Where is the nearest restroom? Oh, I mean the men's room. I hope it's clean. Leave.
5.    Time? Where is the nearest restroom? Oh, I mean the men's room. I hope it's clean. Because the men's room is usually gross. Leave.
6.    Challenge: ask for the "bathroom" instead of "restroom".

Did 4 sets in the morning on the way to work. One set in the evening on the way to the next venue.

What went well?
1. Approaches feel easier...
... than a couple of weeks ago. Did the drills without any qualms whatsoever. This was normal questioning for me, and I am not afraid to go up to most girls...

What do I want to improve?
1. Judgementalness
If the girl is alone, or even if she is with a group of friends, I can approach fine, I am almost giddy to do so when they are hot. However, with people standing around - or when another girl that I had just asked before walks by - I am becoming anxious. I think I am afraid of being judged by others.

2. Feeling blue
For some unexplainable reason, I was really not "feeling it" today... this drill had me feeling like I was dragging my feet. I don't know why.

How will I improve?
1. Judgementalness
I think this is a gradual process. I grew up around pretty judgmental people, so undoubtedly some of it has rubbed off - and it stayed with me since I never really challenged that mindset.
The first and most important part is actually removing judgment against myself. So whenever I find myself saying: "That was bad what you did" I will turn that around into "This was not useful for your long-term goal... it was good that you did x, just focus on improving y for next time."
I have been practicing that already for a couple of months, and it slowly works. Despite the occasional bouts of harshness, I am much more forgiving towards myself than I was a year ago. I'l continue along that path.

Feeling Blue
I think I have to just embrace that - yes, sometimes I am feeling blue and bored. Usually, I get exhausted because something occupies my mind. And also as usual, there is no need to think too deep about it - who knows what bothers my subconscious mind? Instead, I just have to embrace that I "don't feel it" as something outside my control. Very similar to not being judgmental, see above. What can I do instead? Take a little break from doing the drill, get a cup of coffee, read a nice book I have on my iPhone, sit down and chill. Think about different stuff. Then do the drills again, without outcome dependence.
I think most days I am feeling a little "blue" in the beginning, and I get better after a few drills/approaches.
A few days, though, I can't seem to get it ever going. It's just what it is. An "off" day. Everyone has those.
Then, of course, there are days where we just kill it from the very get-go. Also unexplainable.
I imagine it'll be same with girls. Some days no girl will react positive towards me. Some days all of them will. Most days will be in between. Nothing we can do about it than doing our "spiel" and wait for the clouds to subside. They will always subside, eventually. This too shall pass.

I want to stress that no matter how long it takes me, it is important that I finish the drills. Besides reducing my anxiety, I will also learn how to deal with times when I don't "feel like" going out or doing something.

I think most days I am feeling a little "blue" in the beginning, and I get better after a few drills/approaches.
A few days, though, I can't seem to get it ever going. It's just what it is. An "off" day. Everyone has those.
Then, of course, there are days where we just kill it from the very get-go. Also unexplainable.
I imagine it'll be same with girls. Some days no girl will react positive towards me. Some days all of them will. Most days will be in between. Nothing we can do about it than doing our "spiel" and wait for the clouds to subside. They will always subside, eventually. This too shall pass.

I want to stress that no matter how long it takes me, it is important that I finish the drills. Besides reducing my anxiety, I will also learn how to deal with times when I don't "feel like" going out or doing something.

I feel quite the same way sometimes. I liken it to being "tail between legs" (submissive) or "tail up high" (confident). Usually I try to do at least a few drills even when I'm not feeling like it, because as you say a lot of times when you start doing it the blue feeling goes away and things start to run on their own steam. You always have to push yourself a little, because if this was easy we wouldn't be needing this program. The reactions are also much better when I'm in the "tail high" mode, further improving my state. When you have your tail between your legs, girls will sense the "bad vibe" from you and react accordingly. You know what I mean?

Yesterday for example I felt physically sickly and really didn't feel like doing drills. I attempted, but then thought it best to just try again today. And today all of a sudden I felt great right from the outset! What felt impossible to do yesterday felt totally doable today even though there was no practice in between. Just my state was better. My suggestion is that when you're down, just "fake it till you make it" in the hopes that you'll start to feel better.

That's true, Billybob. Some of these exercises are more than you would normally use, so... it is not about the exercises. It's about getting more confident ourselves. And that just happens in our subconscious. That's why all of a sudden things start working.

I also believe our own mood sometimes tricks us. We think the girls react badly, but they just react normal. We only happen to expect a bad reaction because of our inner state of mind and then interpret their reaction worse than they really are. We tend to see the world according to our emotions.

Day 21 - Squeeze!


Shortly before I started the "squeeze" drill, I finished out the "bathroom drill" from this morning - I still had to do the "challenge" -> asking for the bathroom, which went down without any problem.

I still felt a bit down, similar to this morning. But I finished the drills, touched 10 - 12 girls on the arm in "Penny Farthing" and afterwards 10 more girls at the Standard Beergarden. After I was finished there, I started chatting to one girl who was holding two drinks and wanted to high-five her. But she did not want to, even though I offered to take the drinks out of her hands. So I shrugged my shoulder and left. High-five "rejections" don't bother me no more. Their loss.

Main points
1. Never touched that many girls before!
2. "Approach mode"
3. Feeling creepy

What went well?
1. I never touched that many girls before in one bar! I always chatted with them in a friendly way, teased them and rarely came anything out of it. So today I did not talk much, but touched 5 times more girls within 10 minutes than within two hours in the past. Win!

What do I want to improve?
1. "Approach mode"
I realize that I too often just stop after I have finished the drill. On one hand understandable - the drills are not always easy, so it's ok to relax a bit afterwards - but I want to be able to talk to women everywhere, every time, not only when I am in "Approach Mode".
2. Feeling creepy
I felt I had done the exercises in the proper way. I did not feel down as it was when I was first doing the high-fives. But still... I wonder whether I can do anything against feeling creepy.

How will I improve?
1. "Approach mode"
I think one thing I can do is to not only talk to the first girl I see every day, but mores talk to the first girl I see when I come out of a store, out of my work place, out of the station etc. - even when I've done the required number of drills and feel good about them. That way, I always give my mind the chance to reengage.
2. Feeling creepy
Maybe this is something I can only shake off after doing more drills. There is a reason that I never really touched the girls in the past. I did not feel comfortable doing that. So therefore I am not feeling super easy now with touching the girls.
Moreover, "feeling creepy" is a self-image problem. In the past, I was talking to girls and making them laugh. Now I don't have the validation anymore, because they don't laugh at my jokes... so my mind rationalizes that I must be creepy.

All in all I think - I hope! - this drill will form one basis for me consistently approaching in the night WITH CONTACT.

The CRAZY thing is that some of these drills seem SO EASY on paper. But there really is no way of knowing reliably how easy the drill will be for me in reality. I can't predict how my gut feels "in field".

Day 22 - Suspender

Bit of a bad habit not posting here immediately. But I'm catching up...

Main points
1. Low energy
2. Less social anxiety
3. Mindsets

The Drills
Hey! Leave
Hey! Do you know where I can purchase suspenders around here? Leave
Hey! Do you know where I can purchase suspenders around here? My mom says I look good in suspenders. Leave
Hey! Do you know where I can purchase suspenders around here? My mom says I look good in suspenders. Leave
Hey! Do you know where I can purchase suspenders around here? My mom says I look good in suspenders. Suspenders are a good idea because I lost so much weight my pants won't even stay up. Leave
Hey! Do you know where I can purchase suspenders around here? My mom says I look good in suspenders. Suspenders are a good idea because I lost so much weight my pants won't even stay up. You can see my ass crack. Leave

I did this drill 2x in a normal voice, 1x gay, 1x completely normal.

Reactions were mixed, most were neutral to friendly, some girls were a bit rude, some girls laughed.

What went well?
1. Less social anxiety
I realize that I don't mind to talk into my digital voice recorder on a big crowded place. In the past, I was often worried people would perceive me as weird when I am walking around talking into a recorder. But not anymore, since I have been exposed to so many people.

What do I want to improve?
1. Dealing with low energy
My approaches are still depending too much on my mood. The lower my energy, the harder the approaches are, because I don't have much enthusiasm to carry me through. I am still giving all I can on my approaches, I am just not getting excited enough.


How will I improve?
1. Dealing with low energy
Maybe there is no clear remedy other than approach, approach, approach and cut yourself some slack. I might have mentioned it before - there is apparently even a physiological difference in your brain. You are either "in your head" or talking to people. The more you make yourself talk to people, the more likely that "switch" is going to be flipped around.
I think I have to simply embrace my mood, even if not the best, and approach anyway. I keep my chances of eventually meeting a cute girl and at the very least next time I feel low energy I am not bringing myself down more. Fake it till I make it, as BillyBob Terminator was telling me.
Sometimes it's also ok to stop work a bit earlier and go home and just do what you always wanted to do. For example a hot bath, play your favorite game or read a cool book.
Our life is a constant cycle of expansion and retraction. You can't always be super extrovert. Just accept it and move on.

others
Mindsets
I not only try to speak in different voices, I try to feel what it's like doing it.
One time, I am just being myself. One time, I try to imagine myself as much as I can as a gay dude. And when I am serious, I try to see it as a business transaction.