This is a major issue and probably the one we focus on the most with our students.
You need to have social courage or "balls" to meet and bang hot chicks.
It's the most important thing.
More important than looks, money, funny/smooth lines, or interesting hobbies.
Approach anxiety, social anxiety, sexual anxiety and general anxiety will totally fuck up your chances with women.
The good news is you can overcome all of these issues, or at least enough to get hot chicks in bed on the regular.
Let's focus on approach anxiety.
Beating Approach Anxiety Audio 1/3
00:00 - Approach anxiety (not having balls) is the #1 obstacle from getting laid
01:30 - Not that many guys have an actively hit on chicks regularly
02:30 - Approach anxiety is fight or flight response, real quick explanation
03:40 - Approach anxiety can be beaten, even severe cases; It takes time though
04:50 - Football analogy, changing muscle/psychological responses
06:00 - Chris estimates that you can significantly reduce your approach anxiety by doing 100-300 approaches over the course of a month or so
06:20 - Good Looking Loser exposure therapy (if you have bad approach/social anxiety, we'll do this with you in workshops). Works good
07:00 - Baby steps (small exposures) will slowly reduce your anxiety
Beating Approach Anxiety Audio 2/3
00:00 - Exposure therapy will slowly desensitize you from irrational fears
00:45 - "Get Laid or Get Lost" will kill your approach anxiety since you are trying to get rejected some of the time
02:00 - Non-aggressive game will prevent rejection, but you'll probably not get laid much
02:35 - You want non-compatible girls to Get Lost
02:50 - Judge your progress by where you started, not how far you are from your goal(s)
03:30 - Measure your anxiety, when are you alone - not when you are with friends
Beating Approach Anxiety Audio 3/3
00:00 - You don't need a wingman, you don't want a wingman
01:15 - Approach anxiety was a huge issue for me
03:15 - The more girls you talk to, the less any one will matter
04:00 - (example) Chris picks up high fashion hottie Daria at Happy Endings (sunset strip)
08:00 - Really being detached from the outcome, your results will multiply
I'll spare you an unnecessary comprehensive biochemistry discussion of approach anxiety - but it goes something like this: In order to keep you out of danger, your body automatically triggers a fight or flight response to a perceived danger or an unfamiliar situation - even if the danger is psychological and not physical. This is natural, but obviously not too helpful if you want to meet new girls.
If you are unfamiliar with walking up and talking to a hot chick that you want to bang - your brain will probably trigger the fight or flight response that can leave you nervous, less confident or tongue tied. That's way it was for me and everybody I know when we just started out, even my handful of friends that were natural really good with women.
A lot guys, even top flight players, 'self medicate' with alcohol to ease their approach anxiety and 'not give a fuck'. I'm in favor of doing what works and then doing it again. But if you become reliant on alcohol it will hurt your overall game, make your interactions 'sloppy', hurt your sexual performance - plus you don't exactly want to have to drink during the day to go meet chicks at the gym, grocery store or mall. Furthermore, we have and use better, more healthful solutions that will absolutely destroy your anxiety better than alcohol and give you a kick in the ass (please see: Performance Enhancing Drugs: Anti-Anxiety Compounds).
You Aren't Going to Totally Beat Approach Anxiety in a Single Day
Approach anxiety is something you can gradually overcome. Everyone will have a different level of approach anxiety. I think I had an above-average level of approach anxiety when I was starting out, probably because I was unfamiliar with walking up to new girls and not too confident when I started. Most people starting out have a average to extreme approach anxiety. Since it is a gradual process and - sometimes a delicate one initially - we train our students based with small amounts of exposure therapy.
How to Beat Approach Anxiety
Everyone is unique, but the vast number of people respond pretty well with small amounts of exposure therapy/baby steps with our specific "reps" or mini-approaches if they have approach anxiety. We do a brief description of this process here- "Baby Steps for Approach Anxiety".
Tom Martinez, Tom Brady's quarterback coach, explains that it takes a 3000 to 5000 repetitions (football throws) to retrain a muscle to have a automatically repeatable motion. Your brain isn't quite a muscle, but the same theory still applies. Thankfully you won't need anywhere close 3000 to 5000 approaches to train your brain to not have a fight or flight response when you walk up to some hot chick. How many "reps" or mini-approaches you'll need depends on: How much approach anxiety to have to begin with, How well you respond to exposure therapy and How far you are willing to push your comfort zone to reprogram your brain. We have found that the average guy needs 100 to 300 "reps" of mini-approaches to beat their approach anxiety. Not bad.
Approach anxiety can be tough to kick, especially if you are just starting out or if you are in a rut. If you need more help check out our customized [Beat Anxiety Programs].
Reps and Mini Approaches & Examples
Again a "rep" or mini-approach is our own unique exposure therapy drill to slowly recalibrate your brain from having a fight or flight response to approaching.
Here are some examples of exposure therapy from "reps" and mini-approaches - this is something we actually do with students battling approach anxiety: If you have too much anxiety to walk up to a girl at the mall and hit on her, try this instead - just walk up to the girl and ask her the time, then leave. That's right, don't say anything else, you're not allowed to. The stakes are pretty low and most people can do this pretty easily. If that goes well but you still have too much anxiety to hit on a girl - do this - just walk up to the girl and give her a compliment (not with the intention to bang her, just to brighten her day). Say something like, "Hey, I'm not hitting on you, but I just wanted to tell you that I thought you were pretty." or "I just wanted to tell you that you are the cutest girl I've seen all day." Then leave. That's right, don't say anything else, you're not allowed to. 99.999% of the girls will say "Thank you." in a genuine way. We often have our students repeat the "quick compliment" mini-approach to show them have nearly 10 out of 10 times, the girl will be nice and totally receptive - they are sometimes confused why you walked away and probably wish you stayed. These are a few example of "reps" that we have students doing during the day, we have more aggressive "reps" for beating social anxiety in competitive night time environments.
Slowly your fears are desensitized and you can approach girls much easier and get way better results since you aren't nervous. It works.
Get used to talking to hot girls if you aren't ready to start hitting on them.
Remember - If You Are Being Aggressive, You Aren't Suppose to Get Every Girl
When your approach anxiety decreases, your game gets better and you start to get more and more pussy, your initial "rejection" rate will probably not significantly go up or down.
This might seem confusing at first.
But this is why -
When your social anxiety drops and you don't give a shit about screening out girls or "rejection" you will naturally begin to get more aggressive and start to internalize "Get Laid or Get Lost". When you get more aggressive, more likely than not, you'll filter out more girls but you'll get laid more at a MUCH higher rate.
Aggressive and Screen = Get Laid More, Get "Rejected" More
Less Aggressive and Don't Screen = Get Laid Less, Get "Rejected" Less
Keep in mind the basic formula: Talk to a lot of Chicks + Be Aggressive = Get Laid
Statistics are fun in fantasy sports and when comparing different athletes but you cannot measure your game by how little you get rejected. You have to measure it on how many girls you bang. Or, at the very least, how many girls you bring home.
Get Laid or Get Lost: The more aggressive you are, the more you'll get laid.
Approach Anxiety is Best Measured and Beaten When You Are Alone.
Since anxiety, in general, is hard to quantify and very subjective - it's pretty hard to measure. After spending over 2 years picking up women on a regular basis and coaching guys in the field, I have pretty decent idea of how to measure it and how to help you beat it. One important thing to remember is - you need to measure and desensitize yourself from approach anxiety when you are alone. Not when you are with friends, a wing-man, other forms of social support.
There are two reasons for this:
First, your anxiety levels will fluctuate. If you are with a bunch of people at a bar and you're drunk and having a good time, your approach anxiety might be artificially low.
Second, in order get good with women and good at approaching women - you can't rely on other people for emotional support. Literally, if you are by yourself see a girl at the mall that you want to bang - you have to go talk to her by yourself. If you bring a girl home with you - you have to undress her by yourself. Just get used to doing this stuff by yourself.
When helping students beat approach anxiety, we often work together but formulate a plan to make sure they can permanently decrease their approach anxiety.
Social Anxiety is Different From Approach Anxiety
Approach anxiety is a form of social anxiety, but they aren't quite the same. Make no mistake about it, it takes legitimate "balls" or social courage to approach women. It doesn't take as much "balls" or social courage to just be part of social situations.
Some dating advice or gurus try to help you combat your social anxiety to help you get better with women. While the intention may be noble, social anxiety and approach anxiety aren't the same thing - they are only slightly related. Most people will have much higher levels of approach anxiety than social anxiety. Even people that don't have a lot of social anxiety can have a high level of approach anxiety.
Here's an example: I have a friend that acts like a total lunatic in public, extroverted beyond belief, constantly draws attention to himself - but is scared to death to approach a hottie that is by herself at the grocery store. In order to overcome approach anxiety, you need to focus on overcoming approach anxiety.
I've gotten to a point where I have more social anxiety than approach anxiety, it's weird to go to bars and clubs and not hit on chicks. I don't have much of either now though. This is a huge change, I never thought I'd get to this point. I had a lot of approach anxiety and was a huge pussy. I admit it.
Consistent Exposure Therapy Works To Combat Approach Anxiety
The key to combating approach anxiety (and a lot of your anxiety in general) is consistent exposure therapy. When I was fighting approach anxiety and learning to pick up chicks, I would go out 4 or 5 times a week and probably hit on 15 or 20 girls a day. When Scotty was first really getting good experience and results, he was going out 7 days a week and aggressive hitting on up to 50+ girls at a time. Sometimes the hardest part is just starting and getting moving, that's what we're here for [Beat Anxiety Programs], but ultimately, you will need to take consistent again to really overcome approach anxiety.
Approach Anxiety is Your #1 Obstacle
My Personal Struggle With Approach Anxiety (check out the audios above for more details)
My first experience with approach anxiety was when I was 18 years old. It was probably the very first time ever that I approached a group of girls. I was at a bar in Washington DC. I saw three girls at the corner of a the bar, they had their backs turned to everyone and one girl was having a bad night. After 25 minutes of psyching myself up (or psyching myself out), I walked over to them and said something non-intrusive and lame like, "Hey, girl's night out?" The ugly, troubled girl from the group yelled at me, "We aren't talking to you." I got mad and called her ugly and walked away irritated. Her friends even apologized to me. Although I was happy at the time that I had the courage to approach them, later on I got really discouraged with myself and the incident really scarred me for another 6 or 7 years. It made me scared of rejection and I only approached really "safe" groups of girls after that. I must have replayed that silly incident 300 times in my head. The funny thing is, I've never had a "rejection" that much worse than that and I knew it wasn't my fault - the girl was having a bad night.
When I started getting serious at really trying to improve my sex life in 2007 - I still had approach anxiety but I was determined to beat it. I would go out with friends that were really supportive and were kind of just in "awe" that I could approach girls that I didn't know. This made it a lot easier. Plus I had some really good material that was pretty funny and that I believed in. Since it wasn't aggressive material, I wasn't getting laid but girls would react positively and my confidence grew. Then I started going out alone and hitting on girls during the day - just asking them for their Facebook or email, it was pretty safe - I still wasn't get laid from it, but my confidence was growing. Soon enough, I pushed things a little more and started taking phone numbers. The whole process was about 11 months to beat approach anxiety, it could have happened a lot quicker if I had pushed myself harder, but it was a good experience and I was proud of my success. By the time I moved to Los Angeles in 2009, I had pretty much no approach anxiety - I just need to "be more aggressive".
We train a lot of students and our #1 focus is killing their approach anxiety. Anxiety prevents you from having social courage or balls. If you don't have balls, you won't get laid - let alone get phone numbers. If it takes you 2 years to beat approach anxiety it is worth it. Social courage is your foundation to approaching and bang hot girls - and to live life on your terms. Emotional and psychological independence has nearly infinite rewards. If we work with you, we'll do everything in our power to help you beat approach anxiety.
We also use and recommend certain anti-anxiety supplements and herbals that will kill your approach and general anxiety - you'd be surprised. :)
For more discussion and personal stories about beating approach anxiety check out: Good Looking Loser - Approach Anxiety
Good Looking Loser uses and recommends some of these anti-anxiety compounds and herbals: Good Looking Loser - Get Relaxed